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Aurora
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Author :: Mochi_archer
Reviewer :: gukkeun

First Impression :: 5/20

» Cover :: 1/10
I get what you're trying to deliver here; the Northern lights and dawn, correct? The intention is good, but the end result doesn't cut it. The tone of both ends are visibly in contrast of one another. This forces the title and subtitles to own a shade of colour that matches both sides. When you split the colour tones into two sections, it failed, miserably. If you eye it properly, you'll notice just how badly it matches up with the background. A change of cover is what your book needs. So visit your desirable cover shop and have them create the best cover to match up with your plot.

» Title :: 1/5
Where's the relevance? From how far I've read the book, it's not exactly related to vampires or the side theme of sci-fi. The rarity isn't it either.

» Blurb :: 3/5
"Even if I tell you that I'm a vampire?"

We won't go for the base of realism since this book clearly falls in the fantasy category. But without glancing into the story, imagine if this situation were to happen. Would one propose his love for another, and immediately drop the idea that he's a vampire? In that case scenario, wouldn't the girl have run away?

The dialogues aren't playing a huge part, very unnecessary. The content below it however, is promising. It carries the right amount of information. But do try and fix the sentences. They're bland. Build in some poetry words that'll give your description a poetic rhythm. The tenses, watch out for them. Don't flip back and forth between the past and the present.

Beginning of a new start :: 6/10

The letter Jimin wrote for Cheriko needs a lot of adjustments and fixing. The first paragraph is literally Jimin repeating the same thing over and over again. He repeated "I'm leaving you" in five different ways. Very unnecessary. Throughout the letter, it's very visible the way you tried to lengthen each paragraph, but the information they contain remained the same. It's similar to one saying, "I am Cheriko. My name is Cheriko, you can call me Cheriko. If people ask for me, just tell them I'm Cheriko."

There's the frequent flipping between the past and the present. The flashbacks are indeed very important. So, instead of stuffing her memories into her daily life, do some time travelling in your writing. Write about the past first instead of switching back and forth between the two different times. It's gets unnecessarily frustrating, especially when the readers understood from the very beginning that Jimin had left the lead with a meaningful purpose, now having to go through all her flashbacks and the switching back and forth.

Concept and plot :: 15/25

The plot has its strengths and flaws. Say, the moment Cheriko was pulled into another world, there wasn't a single hint of fear or shock depicted. Being surrounded by random men in a place she had never been to. What with all the magic happening, a heart attack would've been more believable than her in awe expression.

The concept has potential, IF pulled off correctly. And in all honesty, I don't feel the fantasy part of the plot. The scenes and actions are very well pulled off, but the emotions are what I'm pinpointing here. The story only surrounds Cheriko and Jimin's love life. I couldn't feel how magical the story was supposed to be. The excitement you placed into the readers from the vampire concept was brutally extracted and replaced with chapters of the couple uniting, which could've been pulled off without fantasy in all honesty.

Then came a whole chapter of Jimin explaining how their two worlds work. I understood nothing after scanning the words twice. I'm even more surprised when Cheriko swallowed every single piece of information like it's nothing. I dare say you have great potential in books surrounding the romance genre, and less of that when it comes to fantasy. Especially when you have to describe an overcomplicated situation.

Characters and emotions :: 6/15

Emotions. The only emotion you focused on were the ones they felt for each other. Love, concern. Depicted well. But you didn't focus on their actual thoughts in other situations. For example, Cheriko's nonexistent fear when the men pulled her into the other world. She's just extremely unbothered and focused more on how one of the men reminded her of Jimin. Everything is just about Jimin.  Even when he roughly shoved her against the vanity table, with all the glasses piercing through her skin, her first thought was of how strong Jimin was?

Love stories don't surround a single relationship only. You have the plot, you have the couple, but the connection between the two is missing. They only cared about their relationship and have no personality of their own. Cheriko would've gained more respect from me if the beginning chapters showed her independence and her personality. Instead her thoughts are constantly clouded by Jimin.

Tone and style :: 7.5/10

Plenty of scenes were over-described and the redundancy of certain situations could've been avoided altogether. Take the first chapter for example, the shower scene? Honestly, fasten the pace and avoid telling the readers parts that are irrelevant to the plot, especially for the first few chapters. The whole scene about Cheriko waking up and getting ready could've been removed and the pace would've gone faster than the one you set it at. Avoid spending too much time over these, we could sense her sadness over Jimin from her dream, there is no need for more explanation. It drags the story. Move on with the plot or else you'll lose one's attention in a blink.

Your writing style on the other hand, has a smooth rhythm to it. The tone in your writing is very well depicted. You express the love the two mains had for each other very well. Most of the conversations are very poetic, go casual once in a while, let them talk informally and express some childish like fun that'll make readers scan the page with googoo eyes.

Grammar :: 18/20

Your story is set in the present. In the first chapter, there were plenty of flashbacks to the past. Suggestion? Use past tense instead. Other than that, that were very minor mistakes that were overlooked, and of course, the punctuation rule for dialogue tags.

And there's also this:

"I looked at them and looked at them."

Edit this sentence. If you're referring to her hands then looking back at the grave of her parents, it's very unclear.

Other than that, I'd say your grammar is pretty good. The book is very well edited. Well done.

Extra Note :: You have the idea, yet the explaining causes confusion. It takes one multiple reads to understand what's going on. Cheriko shouldn't have understood the situation so fast or immune to all kinds of emotions. They love each other, we get it. But we want their acknowledgement to the situation they're in. We want to see their shock, fear, disgust. Negative emotions are what riles up angst and intrigues us.

TOTAL :: 57.5/100