*.*.*.*.*.*

November 24

Despite Shane having asked me to stay in until he calls me, I make my way out as soon as I have a jacket on. It's dark, and the only source of light is the few streetlights standing tall in the street. They illuminate the damp sidewalk as I exit my house, closing the door softly behind me. I glance at the garage as I walk, noticing mom's car standing there. The wind is cold, biting against the bare skin of my face, and I rip my hair free of the loose rubber band. I sigh a breath of relief when they cascade down my shoulders, covering my ears on their way. As I make it down the walking path toward the gate and the main street, I see two bright lights preceding closer.

Shane's Navigator stops right before me and I hug myself tighter as I approach it, my fluffy slippers barely making a sound on the concrete. He cuts the engine and I pull the passenger side door open, jumping in and closing it shut behind me.

"Shit, Taylor," Shane mumbles in the darkness, reaching up for something.

The light pops on, shining bright between us. I squint, noticing how warm the inside of the car is. Before I can see Shane's face, though, I extend a hand and grab his arm, pulling it toward me.

"Taylor --" he begins.

I don't care, pulling back his sleeves to see his clean left inner forearm before taking his right hand into mine. Once I'm sure he hasn't cut himself, I lift my gaze to his face.

"You haven't taken anything, have you?" I say, realizing only then how breathless I sound. I clear my throat and swallow down my panic, never blinking or breaking eye contact. "Pills, poison, anything --"

"No," Shane says quickly, shaking his head. "No, Tay, relax, I haven't."

"You promise?" I croak.

"Yes, I swear," Shane says.

Dropping his hand, I slump back against the seat. I huff out a heavy breath, willing my heart to stop pounding. I didn't know how worried I was until I saw Shane. My fingers tremble and I clench them in my lap, focusing on my breathing. It's strange how frightened I was for Shane.

"Taylor?" Shane speaks, peeking closely at my face.

"I was afraid you hurt yourself," I confess, closing my eyes and inhaling deeply. "You said you did."

There isn't an answer and I open my eyes, looking at Shane and noticing how pale he is. The circles under his eyes are more pronounced than I remember, his cheekbones sticking out. He's lost weight.

"Shane." I straighten up and adjust closer. "You said you're hurting yourself. Please tell me you were kidding. I know you weren't but ..."

His upper teeth dig into his lower lip and he signs mournfully, closing his eyes.

"I'm sorry," he whispers.

"I want to know why," I say, not at all sure of myself.

Do I really want to know? A part of me doesn't, to be honest. I would rather know Shane is fine and happy. Nonetheless, I hope finding out what's hurting him might enable me to help him out of it.

Without answering me, Shane lifts a hand and digs into a pocket of the coat he's wearing. He pulls out something small and cylindrical and orange, holding it out to me. As I place my palm before him, Shane places the small pill bottle in my hand.

"I've been taking Adderall," he says, his voice low and uncertain.

I stare at him.

"What's Adderall?" I ask, afraid of what he might say.

"It's a stimulant," Shane tells me, his breathing coming raggedly. "Kind of like a ... performance-enhancing drug?"

I don't speak, staring unblinkingly at Shane who sighs.

"It boosts performance," he explains, not meeting my gaze. "Keeps me going when I'm tired, when I'm sleepy, when I can't concentrate. Basically, it gives me the boost of energy I need to keep up my grades and football and ... being perfect, you know?"

I close my mouth and swallow, feeling the sudden weight of the bottle on my palm. It stings me, burning my skin and scorching through so that I want to wrench it away from me.

"I started taking them because ... because I didn't want to let my parents down," Shane confesses, staring straight of the windshield at something I can't see. "It kept me going nonstop, you know? I didn't get tired after practice and I could stay up all night to cram for my tests so people would think I'm some super genius who gets A's without even trying. And it helped. It still does but ..."

He licks his lips and looks at me at last.

"I think I'm addicted."

The word addicted hits me in the gut and I nearly choke on air. Focusing on my breathing, I try not to show how what Shane is telling me affects me. I shouldn't be scared. It's just pills he's been taking. They've helped him, made him smarter and stronger than he is.

They're controlling him.

"I want to stop," Shane chokes, gasping for air. "I swear I want to but ... I can't."

"Why not?" I ask, my voice too breathless for my liking.

"I can't handle it," Shane admits, his eyes wide and scared. "My body hurts all over, I'm always tired, I can't sleep, I can't think straight, I just ... I want the pain to end but the only way to stop it is to take --"

"More Adderall," I finish for him.

He doesn't disagree.

I lower my gaze to the small bottle of circular pills in my hand.

"So this is the candy you were taking," I infer.

Shane sighs. "Adderall is called candy for college students. It's like ... I do no, something most of them take. I just started taking it early because I was dumb."

"How did it start?" I ask.

"I just started taking them, you know, on my own because ... well, I didn't want to hear my parents say I couldn't do something. I started with ... one in the morning and then I was taking three a day and now I ... I take several at a time but I still ..."

"Where did you get them?" I ask, not knowing why I'm going into these details. It really doesn't matter how it started or why. All that matters is Shane admitting he's addicted to pills that are clearly hurting him.

Shane hesitates. "They're over the counter, Taylor, anyone can get them," he mumbles.

I don't believe him but I let it slide.

"And how long have you been taking them?"

He scratches his head and shifts in his seat. "Five months?"

A sound halfway between a sigh and groan leaves my lips but I quickly pull myself together, straightening up and looking at Shane.

"You want to stop?" I ask him.

"Of course," he agrees without a beat.

"Then we get you help," I tell him. "There are therapists. Rehabs. We can get some professional help and you'll be fine. They'll help you stop --"

"No no no no no," Shane breathes, eyes wide as he shakes his head fast. "No, Taylor, you can't tell anyone."

"But Shane, this is --"

"Don't you get it? I'll get kicked out of school," Shane tells me in panic. "My grades, my football performance, it's all because of the drug. The minute the principal finds out, my future is done. I'll lose everything, Taylor, my college scholarship, my place on the team, my star status ... my parents --"

His face crumples and he inhales a shuddering breath. I blink, realizing that this is the first time I've met Shane that he hasn't smiled. His smile is gone, just like the spark in his eyes, the spring in his step, and the confidence in his posture. He doesn't seem like the Shane Gray I know, not like Shane at all. This boy before me isn't him and I know what he means.

"I promised you I'd tell you if I ever hurt myself," Shane reminds me. "And you promised me you'd never tell anyone." He grimaces, helplessness evident in every pore of his face, every line on his forehead. "I've been hurting myself without even knowing it."

"What do I do?" I ask, sounding so small. "I can't just sit back and let you do this to yourself."

"I want to stop," Shane insists. "I promise I will. I just ... I need someone with me. Someone who knows. Someone I can trust. I trust you, Taylor, but I need you to assure me you won't tell anyone. I made a mistake, okay? But I can't lose everything I've worked so hard for."

"I'll help you but I don't know how," I admit.

"Just ... stay with me," Shane says, his eyes pleading with me in the light of the dome. "I won't take the pills again and I promise you that but ... I just need someone I can rely on. Someone who knows about it."

I nod. "Okay," I agree, closing my fingers around the bottle of pills and putting it in my pocket. "As long as you won't take them, I won't tell anyone. But you hurt yourself and I won't keep my promise, okay?"

"Okay." Shane swallows.

Silence falls between us and my heart slowly returns to normal. As for Shane, I notice him clenching and unclenching his hands, tapping his foot.

"Why me?" I ask, keeping my eyes on his bouncing knee.

"What?"

"Why are you telling me?" I ask, looking up to meet Shane's gray eyes. "You have friends. So many of them. You have Carlos and ... your entire team. You could tell anyone and they'd help you. Why me?"

Shane blinks and I see him thinking. He didn't think this through, probably making the decision at the spur of the moment. It surprises me, though. How could he make up his mind about disclosing something that could destroy his entire life to me?

"I like you," Shane says at last. "I mean, I know I've said it before but ... I actually like you. And I know it sounds stupid for me to be telling you I'm probably addicted to stimulants and my entire life is a freaking lie and then telling you I like you but ... I like you."

He pauses and I hold my breath.

"You said you didn't even know my name," I remind him weakly.

"I lied." Shane looks into my eyes. "I lied because I didn't want you to find me so pathetic."

I stare at him.

"I swear I fucking like you," he repeats in a lower voice.

Before I know what I'm doing, I lean over the middle of the car, placing a hand on Shane's cheek and leaning in so that my lips find his.

I kiss Shane without knowing what the hell is wrong with me.

A brief moment of shock is followed by Shane pressing closer, his lips molding with mine as my hand slides towards his hair, my fingers winding through them. He tastes like coffee and vanilla, smells so similar to the scent of his car seats, a strange combination of cologne and car-oil, and feels just right. It's strange how his warmth spreads through my skin, tingling through my pores and making me alive. And for the first time, I know ...

Shane Gray might not be perfect. But he's sure fucking perfect to me.

*.*.*.*.*.*.*

A/N: Surprise! The much-awaited kiss is here and out in the open without warning, unlike Shane's secret which was a long time coming. Did you guys think it could be something like this? I know it might have come as a shock for some of you but Adderall is known as candy among some college students and is easily the most abused legal drug out there. It's dangerous and, as the story will show, extremely life-threatening in overdose or withdrawal. Remember, kids, NEVER take drugs unless your doctor prescribes them. I don't even take painkillers.