28th September 2020

I refuse to believe that my life is about to end.

In my 23 years of existence, I made a lot of friends and unforgettable memories pero mas nananaig ang hinanakit at galit. Siguro dahil sira ang pamilya ko at naiwan akong mag-isa sa buhay.

It wasn't an excuse, though. I chose to be like this. It was my decision to live a life like this. The only thing that I have no control over with is my condition.

It's living inside of me the day I was born pero huli ko na nalaman. Hindi ko pa na-e-enjoy ang buhay. Ang dami ko pang 'di nagagawa, ang dami ko pang gustong puntahan.

But the reality is life is too short, and we cannot do anything to make it long if you're already meeting its end.

I want to live. I still wanna live.

Tomorrow is my surgery day and I'm scared. Takot na baka ito na ang huling araw ko. Takot na baka hindi na ako magising.

Alam ko pinangarap ko na makasama na si mama agad pero napagtanto kong masyado pang maaga.

Gusto ko kapag nakita ko na siya, I can tell that I have fully lived my life, that I have no regrets. Gusto ko yung wala na akong bitbit na mabigat na bagahe pero that would be impossible 'cause I'm still not ready to forgive my father.

This might be my last entry. 'Di natin alam pero umaasa akong hindi.

Nagbilin rin pala ako kay Hiraya ng sasabihin kay Uncle Rei in case lang na 'di magtagumpay ang operasyon. I also told her that I like her. No pressure, sinabi ko lang para malaman niyang sa maiksing panahon na nagkasama kami, I'd seen her.

We may never know each other that much but I told her that I plan to know her more if I get through the surgery and she agreed. Nakangiti habang sinusuklay ang buhok ko gamit ang kamay niya.

Hiraya also prayed for me earlier and it was the best thing that happened in my entire life. Nobody dares to do that for me. Siya lang.

I don't know how to pray kaya nang marinig ko siyang ipagdasal ako, hindi ko maiwasang 'di maiyak.

I find it weird but it felt good, so good that I started to open my mouth and whispered my own prayer.

To the Guy above, I don't know if you heard me but I hope that you do.