Jacksons arms wrapping around me, taking the gun off me.

"Did you see who it was?" I should have stopped her from leaving, I should have chased her with her own gun, I should have fought for him.

"Roxy" Jacksons shock showing on his face, his arms cuddling me, as I break down in his arms. 

It feels like Jackson dying all over again, the pain is unbearable, I will do anything to get rid of this feeling. 

Jackson lifts me up, carrying me to the sofa, sitting me down, I stare outside where he said goodbye.

"This is how she was when we said you were dead" Liam is looking at me, disbelief on his face, but it is.

"Actually, it's worse I think she never believed you were dead but now she's watched him die there is no denying it" 

The pain is the same, I feel like someone has ripped my heart out my chest and is slowly cutting pieces off, watching them fall to the floor I can't escape, pulling my legs up I hide myself crying. 

Why does the world hate me so much it takes everyone I love away? Staying here, I just stare at that spot, the last memory of Marcus in my mind, his goodbye, him telling me he loved me. I can't move, I can't say goodbye, not to Marcus, I can't do it. 

I don't think I can move, if I take my eyes from that spot I will lose him forever, the blood on my hands, I should have saved him. Everyone walking in, the police came, asking me questions, I can see their lips moving but there is no sound, no sound just silence and Marcus's last words on replay. 

I watch as Troy, Alexander and the other lads come in, all staring at me, unsure what to say. 

Jackson giving my space, my heart breaking seeing every one of their faces, the pain of the loss, hours pass by, everyone walking around, talking but I take none of it in. 

"Alena, go get a shower, please do something" Jackson, kneeling in front of me, but I can't move, I can't go away I can't do it.

"I don't know how to help her" Jackson's words quiet, no one can help, Marcus has gone, I watched myself he isn't coming back. 

This isn't like Jackson, where there is no body, no proof, I saw the body and felt it drain of life and turn cold in my hands.

"Marcus would be the one to tell me what to do" Jacksons head lowers, Marcus was more than his friend, and his brother, he was his mentor. 

I need to be strong for him, this will no doubt be hurting him more than me. Getting up, I walk upstairs quietly, Jackson watching, but not following, walking into the bathroom, I turn the shower on. 

Why is this dream not ending? Standing in the shower, I watch as the blood runs away with the water, looking at the mirror, his blood on my face, everywhere, and I couldn't save him. 

He's gone, he has really gone, all those times I said I would choose Jackson, and I couldn't walk away, I now wonder was I right? His last memories are finding out he might be a dad, to have them taken away. 

I destroyed him, slowly falling on the shower floor, I begin to cry, the water still running red, as it washes the blood from my skin and clothes. I don't know how long I have being here, all I know is Jackson walked in and picked me up, the water no long tainted red, taking my clothes off, he dries me, wrapping a robe around my body, he walks me to the bed. 

Lying down, I feel numb, lost and like I have nothing left, Jackson's arms wrapping around me, listening to my cries as I fall into a sleep, the awful visions that just replayed the whole night over and over, his last words haunting my dreams, his face relaxing as he took his last breath, his heart beating for the last time. 

Opening my eyes, I smile, I feel happy, which quickly is replaced with guilt and grief, remembering Marcus dying last night, looking at my hands I still see the red from his blood, getting up I wash my hands, no amount of scrubbing is washing it away, the redness just getting brighter.

"What are you doing?" Jackson is standing at the door watching me.

"Trying to clean my hands, the blood won't wash off" My hands scrubbing harder, he walks over to me, his hands grasping mine.

"Alena, there is no blood on them, look" Looking down, I still see the blood, bright crimson red.

"Believe me, there is nothing there, I thought the same after last time, I tried scrubbing and realised the blood was in my mind, there is no blood Alena" Looking down again, I still see the blood, is he telling the truth? 

"We need to talk Alena, and the police need you to give a statement, they have arrested Roxy, and Jake, but they need you to speak to them" Looking at him, shaking my head the tears beginning again.

"I can't, I see it all in my mind, I can't say it out loud, it will make it true and I don't want that" I don't think I am strong enough.

"Try, please Alena, just try" Shaking my head I refuse. 

"How can I try speak about him, when I can hardly breathe, every time I try it feels like someone is pushing down on my chest, suffocating me" Looking at him, I can see his pain as well, he is hurting just like me.

"Alena, I know you loved him, and I know right now you don't think you can carry on but please do, try for Marcus, try and help to get him justice" 

Nodding I agree, I am the only one who saw her, the only one who can tell them that and hopefully get her locked up.

"Do you want me in the room with you or someone else?" I don't even know, but I know if I come close to breaking down, Jackson is the only one who can keep me grounded, or at least has the best chance to.

"You, I don't think anyone else should be in with me" I can do this for Marcus, I have to otherwise she could just walk free.

"Okay, well they are here, so when you're ready come down, I will be waiting for you" Nodding I walk back into the bedroom, grabbing my clothes, I get dressed, I have to do this, I can't not. 

Walking downstairs, everyone is still here, Troy trying to give me a smile but failing, I know he blames me like everyone else. Does he know what me and Marcus did? That Marcus thought he was going to be a dad, that I ruined his life? 

Walking into the living room the police are sat there, Jackson with them, this makes it all so much more real.

"Hello Mrs. Woodcock, we are sorry for your loss and understand this will be hard for you" Nodding I sit down, Jackson's arm wrapping around me, it is the same police officers as last time, he clearly sees my pain and now realises just how much I did agree.

"If you could explain exactly what happened last night, how you know who it was please" Looking at them, I don't want to tell them these things, they were my last moments with Marcus, my last moments with him. I have to though, I can't ignore it and hope it will go away. 

"I woke up, it was a scream that woke me, I went to find the girls, our babies but they were not here. Jackson wasn't there either, my phone was downstairs, I had no choice but to go get it. Downstairs, I sent Marcus and Liam a text, telling them I needed help, I rang Jackson, and Roxy answered" 

He smiled, and wrote down what I said. 

"Can I just confirm, you are Jackson yes? Liam is your brother who you came home with?" Jackson nodding in reply to his question. My turn to talk now.

"Roxy was talking about she didn't want to share, saying it was me she wanted, that Jackson's business took someone she cared about away, and she wanted me in their place" 

What happened next? Did I go upstairs? Did Marcus come in? I really am struggling to remember. 

"I remember the conversation ending, I was about to go upstairs when Marcus came in, he asked what was wrong, he told me to run to the safe room and he would follow me" That smile, even then he was trying to protect me, and doing so he died.

"He didn't, I walked back down, and he was outside searching for something in the car, as he turned, he smiled" I don't think I can do this, I really don't think I can.

Jacksons hold gets tighter around my waist.

"I heard the shot, I looked around and couldn't see her at that point, I ran to Marcus, seeing the blood, he, he fell to the floor, I saw her reflection in the window, she stood there holding the gun" My eyes look to were Marcus died, a small tent around where his body laid, where he died. 

"He knew he was dying, he said goodbye, that he loved me, and he was dying a happy man because of me. He told me to look after Jackson, and he just stopped moving, stopped talking, I was screaming for him to wake up, for anyone to help me, shaking him but he didn't wake up, he didn't wake up and no one came to help" My face is soaked from the tears, I can't do this, I need to get out this house, away from here, anywhere at all.

"I killed him" The police turn and look at me, confusion on their faces, Jackson looking worried.

"He would be alive if he never met me, if I didn't text him he wouldn't have come home, he would still be alive, I killed him" Jackson slightly shakes me, trying to get me to see sense, but I am seeing clear as anything.

"Alena, can you confirm you saw Roxy with the gun, and the same gun that was found outside?" Looking at the policeman, I nod.

"Yes, I watched her drop it, that is how I knew where it was, she dropped it and ran, I should have chased her, stopped her, but I didn't. I let Marcus down in his last moments, I wasn't able to save him" my words the truth. 

"Thank you, that is all for now, if we have any more questions we will call" 

Jackson stood up and walked them out, he walks back in, sitting next to me, his hand gripping mine.

"Alena, you didn't let him down, and you certainly did not kill him. Remember his last words, that he was happy, because of you and no one else. You made him happy, that should be enough for you to realise" Nodding I agree, he did say that.

"It won't help bring him back though, and he still died because of me, everyone will hate me. I saw the way Troy looked at me, he tried smiling and couldn't even he blames me" What a year this has started out to be, new year's day, and we already have a death.

"Stay here" Jackson walks out, I see him talking to the team, they all look towards me, then back to Jackson, walking back to me, Jackson is followed by them all, walking into the room, I prepare myself for their abuse, and the blame.

"Alena, we don't blame you at all, I tried smiling, the only reason I couldn't is because you look more hurt and broken by this than any of us. Seeing your pain, hurts us as well, we don't blame you at all. He died happy with you, something he would have being happy to do. We know how much he grew to love you, and he would stand in front of a thousand bullets too save you and we can see you would have last night if you could" 

I don't feel like I did, and to be honest them saying this just makes me feel worse. Getting up I walk to the door, grabbing my coat I open it to walk out, Jackson grabbing my arm and stopping me.

"I don't think you should go out alone" Is he for real? He can't keep me locked up forever.

"Roxy and Jake are locked up, I need space, I need to get away from here, just let me go" Looking at him I plead for him to let me go, I can't stand staying in this house right now with Marcus dying just outside. 

His hand lets go of my arm, walking outside I have no choices, I can go to Georgina and Liam's and see the girls, but I am afraid of them seeing me in this state. I can't go to my dad, he won't understand, and neither will Freya or my mum, I have no one. 

All I can do is keep walking, waiting for my mind to become free and empty, will that even be possible? The further I walk the less it helps. It isn't the house holding my memory hostage in those final moments, it is myself. 

I am doing it, if I let go of those moments that is accepting I will never see him again, how can I let that happen? The future feels bleak without Marcus, how will we cope now, I did not realise until last night just how much I love him.