"Alena" Turning Jackson is behind me, all I want is time alone, isolated from everyone and he won't give me it, why is he following me?

"Please don't run from this" I can't believe he said that, of everything he could say he chose that?

"How would I even start to run away from this? You see this?" My finger taps my head hard.

"This reminds me every second of what happened, not giving me a second peace not even in my dreams Jackson, so how can I run from my own mind? How about this?" I stab at my heart, wishing it worked and killed me so it ended the pain I am in.

"This doesn't stop hurting, every time part is being crushed, what am I meant to be able to run away from my heart as well? If I could run believe me I would, but there is no escaping my mind, the torture the blood, his last words or the pain I felt when he stopped breathing, while I screamed for anyone, anyone to help" He steps closer, tears in his eyes.

"I understand, I do Alena" Shaking my head I back up a few steps.

"Did you hold someone as they took their last breath, knowing there is a chance they would survive if you just knew what to do? Have you Jackson? Did you hold someone watching their blood spill out as they say their final goodbye and take their last breath alone with you?" Standing I look at him waiting for his answer.

"No, I haven't but I know grief, I lost Katie, and I held my baby, Tallulah, not breathing and had to say goodbye, I know how you feel Alena, please don't push me out" He steps forward, he does know about grief, I don't. Marcus is the first person I know that has died, my grandparents died before I could even remember.

"He's gone Jackson, he's really gone" Looking at him, I fight back the sobs, my eyes clouding from the salty tears, Jackson rushing to me, wrapping his arms around me.

"Let's go see the girls, you need something positive, you need to see the girls, we are only a minute away now anyway" Nodding Jackson wraps his arm around my waist, walking to the cottage, I stand outside looking at it. 

"I can't do it, I can't walk in there and pretend everything is fine, I just can't" I don't know how he thinks I can. 

"Then don't, you're not here to fake being happy, you're here to see the girls, to cuddle them and remember why Marcus would risk his life for you, even if he knew he would die. Don't let Marcus's death be for nothing Alena, he wouldn't want that" 

Nodding we walk into the cottage, Liam and Georgina sat with the girls, both of them looking at me, I can't do this, being forced to be around people really isn't what I want. 

Georgina gets up and walks towards us, her arms hugging me, Jackson walks to Liam and the girls.

"Stupid question, but how do you feel?" Looking at her I fight back the cries and screams I want to let out.

"Honestly, in a way, I wish the baby was Marcus's now, I would still have a bit of him to hold onto" She looks at me shocked, but it is the truth, I would have a part of Marcus, something that would keep his family going, now there is nothing at all.

"Come see the girls, they have missed you" Nodding I walk into the room, trying to smile, hugging them, I think of Marcus and what he would want.

"We were saying, until things settle down, police go and what not, the girls can stay here, you come here during the day, stay get them settled and go home?" 

I am not sure, I mean I don't want them there with police and everything, but I also don't know if I can leave them for that long.

"Look, how about now, we spend the day here with them, have tea here, get them in bed then go home?" Jackson looks at me, trying to make me see the sense in them staying away from the house. 

He is right, they can't go back there yet, nodding I agree, I spend the day sat with the girls, Helen coming in, and clearly knowing, does not say anything. She sits with Jackson, clearly trying to comfort him, that is what I should be doing, Marcus was Jacksons friend, if there is anything I can do it is be strong for him.

 I will help Jackson get through this, like I did last time, like I always should, he is my husband. Sitting with the girls, we spend the whole day with them getting them in bed, we say goodbye and leave. 

Walking back, I have no idea what to expect will everyone be there still? Or will everyone has left and gone home?

"Look, when we get in I need to call Maria" He is joking right? Stopping I face him, this has to be a joke.

"She is his wife Alena" Not a chance, not at all.

"No, she gave up that right when she left him for someone else, she has no rights in his life now, just because legally the papers are not signed, she will probably be grateful" How can she have a say or a know in this, she left him broken, she made him want more from life then left him without it.

"I am telling you, I have to they are still legally married, chance is she will just say deal with it ourselves, but she has to be told" 

Nodding I agree, well I will agree to him but deep down I still think she lost all rights when she walked away from him. Getting home, the police are still stood outside, but inside is empty, no one here at all, it feels wrong, strange, almost like this is not a home anymore.

"You need to take your pills, I will call her while you do" I walk towards the kitchen, getting my pills I take them, Jackson on the phone, I wish I could speak to her, but I know if I did, I wouldn't be nice. 

Jackson walks back through, towards me, turning on the kettle he grabs two cups.

"She doesn't want to do anything, she said it is up to the team to plan his funeral" As I thought, she does not care about him at all, not even now in his death.

"I want to help, with the funeral" Maybe helping will help me, I don't even know if it will be surely it is worth a try? Jackson hands me the cup of tea, walking to the sofa we sit, his arm around me.

"I don't want you to be strong for me Alena, yes I am hurting, a lot but seeing you broken is what is keeping me going, I can't be weak when you need me" I don't even know what to say anymore, I just want to hide away. 

"Whatever you want Alena, whatever you need to get you through this I will do" I don't even know what I want or need right now.

"Marcus mentioned a plan for that night, something for me, what exactly was it?" Maybe knowing this will help, maybe it won't but I won't know until I ask.

"Well, I heard you talking to him, about how you wonder what it would be like if you had met him and not me. What it would be like to be his brat, I was going to come home and talk to you, and let you two have that moment together, me in the room of course, but him in complete control, you being his brat, so you know what it was like" I wish I got that, that one last night with him before this happened, but I didn't I got nothing.

"What are you thinking Alena, whatever it is you can tell me, everything I want to know" What am I thinking? Everything there is not one thought in my mind it is every thought possible.

"I wish I got that night before he died, it would be like saying goodbye, I hate myself for causing this, I only then, in those minutes realised how much he actually loved me, I then realised I loved him more then I let myself believe, and in some ways, I wish the baby had being his, so we would have a part of him left, something he keep his family going because now it's just gone" He doesn't look shocked at all by what I said, none of it.

"None of that can be changed now Alena, you need to remember the times you had together, and I told you that you love him, I can see it you looked at him like you look at me" I just didn't realise fully until he was dying.

"As for the baby, he might not be Marcus's but what about calling him Marcus? Like your dream, maybe that was a sign to call him Marcus?" He is right, that dream was a sign, of so many things, I thought at first it was because Marcus was the dad, maybe I was just so wrong.

"Come on, let's get to bed, you look awful, no offense" Nodding I agree, going to bed, we lay there quiet, I don't even know what to do anymore, my body and mind is numb from the pain. 

Jackson cuddling against me, a slight comfort but it doesn't feel like enough at all, he falls asleep, but I can't every time I close my eyes I see Marcus, laying there while I cradle him crying, watching as he takes his left breath, finally falling asleep, I can get some rest, but my dreams are just the same there is no escape. The next week we spend planning the funeral, the girls back home and the garden cleaned up like nothing happened, the police building their case. 

Tomorrow is the funeral and I have no idea how I will get through it, I have faked it all week, my hearts broken but I carried on, pretending everything is fine. I seem to have sat at this kitchen table all week, watching as people come and go, my mind not letting me move on. 

In some ways this table is a comfort, it is the place Marcus sat at most days, drinking his coffee, letting the world pass him by. That day when he sat staring and I asked him why he does it, this exact table on that day when he said goodbye, when I couldn't let him go. This was the table being the one he bent me over, the one that started all this mess, and now it is ending with this table, me sat here thinking about him.

"Alena" Looking up Jackson is stood there looking at me. Has he been talking to me and I didn't even realise?

"You have hardly moved from this table all week" He is concerned, I can see it in his eyes, and he is right I have not moved from this table, it is my safety net, but I can't always stay on this table, it wouldn't work.

"I am fine, honestly, how are you feeling?" Looking at him, he sits down next to me.

"I don't know right now kitten, all I know is tomorrow is not going to be easy, everything is sorted and ready though, are you sure you can speak at the funeral?" I have no option but to speak about him, I am one of the very few who saw him for him, the kind Marcus, soft and loving.

"I am sure, I don't want to not and regret it, so I will do it and be fine" To be honest, I know I won't be and I know I will break down and that there will be nothing to help me through it other than Jackson.

"Right well tomorrow is a big day, we should get an early night Alena, I will meet you upstairs, nodding I agree. Getting upstairs, I walk to Marcus's room, looking around makes me smile, I don't want to touch anything, just look and remember him. 

Walking into the playroom, I search through the drawers, finding the phone, I unlock it. Hitting play on the video, I sit and watch Marcus, the love on his face as he touches me, Jackson by his side. I will miss this, I will miss him, the playroom door opens, Jackson sitting down next to me.

"Is it weird, that right now, this does not turn me on, it just makes me sad to think I won't ever get this again?" Staring at the phone, I wait for his answer, does he even know if it is weird?

"No, it isn't, I have no doubts that each time you watch this, you will feel different, no two times the same. It doesn't make you weird Alena, not at all" 

My eyes stay on the screen watching, Jackson moving closer, my head resting against his shoulder as we sit and watch it together, every time it finishes I put it back on. Over and over, until slowly my eyes shut, and I fell asleep in Jacksons arms on the floor.