04

Breaking Free

The night after that, I talk to Patricia.

I cried for the whole night together with the dark as a company. She knows how broke I was. She witness how I attempted to starve myself thinking everything was, but a dream. That it will end but the pain reminds me that I'm wrong.

"We're done. Tapos na ang lahat, Patricia."

But I never once saw any pity in her eyes. And I was more than thankful for that.

She'll just articulate, "It's okay. You tried your best. There's nothing to regret about. So no need to put your make up on everyday."

I nodded and convinced myself that she's right.

Ipinaramdam ko sa kanya na ayaw ko pa sanang matapos. Gusto ko pa sanang magtagal kami. But reality is cruel.

After she goes home, I limp my way to the comfort room together with the intravenous drip. I just bit my lip everytime the stitches in my stomach hurts until I found myself facing a mirror.

Mariin kong tinitigan ang sariling repleksyon. My face was caked with make-up, that even I was unsure if it was me.

"What happen to you, Helga?"

My grip on the wet wipes tightened.

"Ang pangit-pangit mo na."

Hilaw na ngumiti ako. The girl in the mirror did the same. Her smile look crooked. It was very unsightly.

Marahang pinunasan ko ang pisngi. Layers upon layers of powder foamed the wet wipes. Binura ko lahat ng bakas ng koloreteng halos tuluyan ng nakapinta na sa aking balat.

I stare intently at my reflection. Natural freckles scatters randomly below my eyes and some on my nose bridge. Marahang hinila ko ang buhok. A burst of fiery red curls was revealed. Itinapon ko sa basurahan ang wig na matagal ko ng isinusuot. My fingers comb the familiar but unfamiliar hair.

Saka ko lamang nareyalisa kung gaano kalayo ng ipinagbago ko mula ng magbago ang takbo ng buhay namin ni Martin. I almost, almost lost myself.

Wala siyang kasalanan, dahil ako mismo ang bumago sa sarili ko. I want to please the people around us and shape myself into a person I barely knew. Para lamang bumagay ako sa mundong kinagagalawan niya naging ibang tao ako.

I tried dressing up into a woman society will love. I limit my words hoping that society will flatter me back. Sinubukan kong makibagay, pero habang ginagawa ko iyon nalimutan ko kung sino talaga ako.

"I am Helga, a woman with a normal background. Hindi mayaman. Hindi kagandahan. Walang pamilya. A soon divorcee, but I am strong and I will be stronger than my pain."

I whisphered full of determination.

.........

"Hey, are you okay? Kanina ka pa tulala diyan. Hinahanap ka na ni Thirdy sa baba."

Napakurap-kurap ako at binalingan si Patricia na ngayon ay naka-busangot sa aking harap.

"Wala lang may naalala lang ako bigla. Naayos na ba lahat ng kailangang papeles? Sila Tita nasabihan mo na ba?"

"Oo kaya tumayo ka na diyan." Patricia paused. "Iniisip mo na naman ba siya?"

"Pat, naka-move on na ako. Atsaka ang tagal na non, limot ko na. Maski nga ata makasalubong ko yon 'di ko maalala 'yung mukha niya. I have Thirdy now. He's enough." I uncomfortably smile.

Patricia sighed.

"H'wag mo lang kalilimutan si Thirdy. Helga, hindi ka na nag-iisa ngayon. He's doing his part unconciously, atleast do your's."

Napabuntong hininga ako. Naunang bumaba ito. Inayos ko muna ang mga ginamit ko bago sila pinuntahan.

"Thirdy!" masiglang bati ko dito.

Thirdy's face immediately brightens. "Mom!"

A smile automatically blossoms on my face. Thirdy becomes the light that guides me all this years. Maybe it was fate. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko kung hindi siya kasama.

I cupped his small face and put little kisses on his cheeks. Pinugpog ko ng halik ang kanyang matatabang pisngi.

The boy's giggle brought warmth in my heart.

My little bundle of joy happily clings his chubby arms around my neck. Natatawang kinarga ko ito at tinungo ang itim na kotseng nakaparada sa harap ng bahay. It's an outdated BMW, Patricia's treasured car.

"Hindi kaya magloko ang makina niyan pagdating natin sa highway?" Tinaasan ko ito ng kilay.

"Come on, Helga. This car can even endure a hard sexy time!" Patricia smirks and wiggle her brows. Puno ng kapilyahan ang kanyang mata.

Iritang pinukol ko ito ng masamang tingin. "God your mouth!"

Inis na kinuha ko ang tissue na nasa dashboard at ibinato sa kanya.

"Hey! Be careful of what you touch. Baka basa pa 'yan!"

"Ew!"

Patricia burst out laughing. "Don't worry bagong stock lang 'yan." she shamelessly grin.

Napatingin naman ako sa nagtatakang mukha ni Thirdy. His big innocent eyes looking at us back and forth.

"Mom?"

"Don't listen to your Tita, there's something wrong with her head today."

Thirdy nodded his small head obediently. After the stuffs and important baggages was loaded at the trunk, Patricia starts the cars engine.

It takes about one and a half hour until we reach the airport. Pagdating namin ay agad kaming dumiretso sa linya ng mga upuan.

We waited for a few more minutes before their flight was announced.

"Have a safe trip honey. H'wag kang magpapasaway kay Tita Pat okay?"

I press one last kiss on Thirdy's forehead before tightly hugging his plump body. Thirdy smile and nodded.

"Take care!"

I watch as they boarded the plane until they take off.

Patricia and Thirdy are heading to Spain. Ngayon kasi naka-schedule ang konsultasyon niya sa psychiatrist. Siguradong dalawang buwan na naman ang gugugulin nila don. Normally I would be the one to accompany Thirdy. Kaya nga lang ay nagpresinta si Patricia na siya na muna ang magbabantay sa bata tutal doon din lang naman ang duty niya.

"Helga! It's been a long time, how are you?"

My gaze met with a woman's dark one. She was waving at me from afar. Mukhang kadarating lamang nito sa bansa. Isang maliit na ngiti ang ibinigay ko dito.

"I'm doing great Auntie. How about you? You're getting younger and younger each time I saw you. I barely recognize you. And here I thought you're some rich young madame."

The woman giggled. Planting a soft kiss on my right cheek.

"Such a sweet tongue you got." Auntie Lena smiled and winked. "Come let me treat you a snack," magiliw na pahayag niya.

We quickly hailed a cab to a western restaurant.

Growing up Auntie Lena was the woman who I considered as my mother. My biological mother died when I was three years old. Her name is Henrietta Chen, a half Chinese descent. Mula ng ipanganak ako nito naging mahina na ang kanyang katawan. She was prone to sickness and later her body gave up. Si Auntie ang nag-iisang pinsang babae ni Mama kaya naman napunta ako sa kanyang pangangalaga hanggang sa maging disenwebe anyos ako. They are living at the Philippines so I had to travel from China to there.

At 19 I chose to live on my own and be independent. At the same time Aunt had her first daughter, Cassandra.

"So how have you been? Everything good?"

"En, everything's fine Auntie. Namiss ko lang kayo. Ang tagal na mula ng makasama ko kayo nila Cassandra at Tito." I picked the table napkin and dab my lips which was coated with a tasty sauce.

"I mean, your ex-husband," She paused. "My condolences."

"W-what do you mean? C-condolence for whom?"

Napatigil sa pagsubo si Auntie. Tila ba hindi niya inaasahan ang aking sagot. "Martin died, Helga."

My whole body froze. Tulalang nakatutok lamang ang aking paningin rito.

My fingers are trembling. Maybe Auntie got it wrong? How can he be dead? Samantalang ni wala nga itong iniindang sakit!

I already moved on. Pero bakit? Bakit ang bigat-bigat ng dibdib ko?

"M-martin? H-how?"

Agad na nag-iba ang timpla ng mukha niya. The woman was silent for awhile as if to gage my reaction. There was a faint disbelief and doubt on her face. Her lips opens and closed.

She sighed. Maya-maya ay dahan-dahan itong nagsalita.

"We receive the news after your second anniversary. I'm sorry."

.........

Thank you for reading!

#dinamarupok