As soon as my front door is opened, I slide out of my heels immediately and grab them off of the floor on my way to the bedroom. Taking my shoes off at the front door is still a habit of mine. While I won't go to the lengths to do it at other people's homes, I still won't wear shoes in my own. Even the friends that come over know that their shoes must be kicked off at the front door. Yes, it stems from my time living with Uncle Kim and Taehyung, but it's also just much easier to keep my apartment clean.

Knowing I have to just bite the bullet and spill the details, I decide to give Madison a call before Ethan gets here. It'll already be awkward enough being put on the spot to answer question after question. There's no need to make it worse by waiting until he's around to hear me talk about it, too.

"Hello? Oh my God. Hold on! Let me go in the other room." Madison excitedly answers the phone before I even have a chance to say anything. "Okay, okay, okay. Tell me please!"

"You're acting like you're in high school again." I giggle.

"Shut up and tell me. What was the kiss like? Is he a good kisser? How do you feel about it?" She begins to ramble.

After walking back into the living room and lighting the scented candles on the coffee table, I plop down on the couch with my legs curled underneath me and grab one of the accent pillows to snuggle in my lap. The warm vanilla scent slowly begins to feel the room and wash a wave of calmness over me as I get ready to put it out in the universe that I have been with someone other than Taehyung for the first time in my life.

"He's a very good kisser. It was sweet and timid at first, but then got a bit more passionate, but that's really my fault." I reply.

"How do you feel about it?" She asks a bit more cautiously knowing how I've been about Taehyung over the last almost half a decade.

"I felt fine about the kiss actually. It was the sex that took a while for me to get comfortable with."

Madison gasps and then squeals a little bit as I hear her flop back onto her bed. "I knew it! I could tell by how you two were acting so different today! Okay, okay...whew! Okay so how how do you feel about the sex?"

I take a deep breath and really think it through. That's one thing about Madison, she won't let me bottle things up. She'll make me face them head on. But I mean, sure, it was good. Very enjoyable actually, but I'd be lying if it didn't feel a bit strange still. My heart is still attached to my first love.

"He was very patient and understanding with me about it all. Able to empathize about where I was at mentally and emotionally and he helped me through that. I'm very thankful to him for that. After the fourth time..."

"The fourth time?!" She gasped with surprise in her diction.

I roll my eyes and laugh, "After the fourth time, it was much easier. You know he's a good guy so I'm glad it was him if it was going to be anyone else."

"So you're okay? Do you think you could see yourself with him?" She questions.

See myself with him? Beyond just sex, but in an actual relationship? I guess I could. We are friends after all and what are couples if not friends who have a deeper love between one another? I think the real question is, could I see myself falling in love with him?

I think about his kind heart and his feelings towards me. I think about all of the years he stuck by my side without pressuring me, wiped my tears, celebrated with me and helped me grow into the adult I am today. All while appreciating me for who I am. I think about how he knew about me painting when I'm stressed without me even having to tell him. He knows me. He knows all of me if I really think about it. And there's only one other man in this world that knows me that well. But would I be able to love more than one man?

"Possibly. Maybe." It's all I can manage to say.

"Because of he who shall not be named?" She asks.

"You make it seem like he's Voldemort. You can say his name," I laugh, "but yes. You know I still love him."

"I do baby girl and that's okay. You'll always hold a special place in your heart for him, but it's okay to move on. It's not like waiting around for over four years for him is jumping from one guy to the next." Madison's voice was sincere and understanding.

I know she means well and I know she only has my best interest in mind, but more than anything, I know that I don't want to listen to anything other than my own heart.

There's a long pause in our conversation as I contemplate it all. It's not like I need to begin a serious relationship today, but what would be the harm in opening myself up for the possibility?

Would it be so wrong to let someone love me again?

My intercom buzzes and I know it's Ethan downstairs asking for permission to come up given the fact no one else is supposed to be here and he rang it in the same tune he always does. That same melody did also inform Madison of his arrival since she is well aware of his special way of announcing himself.

"I see that Ethan is there so I'll let you go, but look, all I'm saying is to let yourself feel again. Know that it's okay to do so and give yourself a chance. If Ethan is someone you could love then cool and if not, then that's okay too, but giving up entirely isn't. I love you babe." She concludes.

"I love you too. I'll see you tomorrow." I say as I press the button to allow Ethan to walk inside of the building and hang up the phone call.

Standing by the door, I fiddle with my dress that I haven't changed out of and finger comb my hair. A small chuckle escapes me when I realize I'm kind of excited to see him and spend time with him. Before it was just the feeling of hanging with a friend, but now I'm seeing him in a totally new light. Maybe I am allowing myself to feel again and Madison is right, that's completely okay.

Using the same tune he uses for the buzzer, he knocks on my front door to once again announce his presence. It seems dumb, but he started doing that when I first moved in and began living alone for the first time. I was terrified of anyone not announcing themselves before they came to see me, thinking I was going to get robbed or murdered or some other overly dramatic scenario, so he came up with a short little sound specific to him in an effort to ease my worries a bit.

I open the door and crane my neck to look up at him with a bright smile as he peers down at me with those damned heart stopping dimples. I'm much shorter compared to his six foot stance now without my high heels on that I had been wearing in the office. His casual style was in full force with his freshly washed messy hair that's still slightly damp and his gray sweatpants and plain black T-shirt. The small silver hoops decorated his ear lobes matching the plain silver necklace around his neck. Leaning down to my level, he lets the backpack slip from his shoulder as he leaves three chaste pecks on my lips while slipping out of his sneakers. I love that I've never had to argue with him or explain myself about that rule. One time of saying that's how I preferred it and he's done it ever since.

Noticing the cell phone in my hand, he quirks an eyebrow before walking over to sit his backpack down right inside of my bedroom door. "I take it Meddlesome Madison knows about us now?"

"Meddlesome Madison?" I chuckle as I walk back to sit back down on the couch. He shrugs with a chuckle himself as he comes over to sit next to me, pulling me into his side while he wraps his arms around me. "Yeah, she knows. We had a good talk."

"Not my business. I just hope you're okay." He kisses my forehead.

"I'm good." I smile up at him and offer him another chaste kiss.

That night...

I can't tell where I am or see anything else around me through the cloud-like haze surrounding me, but something is pulling me forward like a moth to a flame.

"Gongju...saranghae gongju. I promise to come back for you. Don't give up on me. Please." A deep voice echoes in the distance that seems so familiar.

"Where are you?" I shout as I spin around trying to find out where the voice is coming from.

My heart beat accelerates and my temperature feels like it's rising as I'm now desperately and blindly running across an empty sand filled beach still covered by a dense fog. Distant sounds of ocean waves rolling against the shore, but I can't see the water anywhere either.

"Don't give up on me." The voice begs a bit louder.

"Where are you? Please tell me." I plead as I stop and drop to my knees suddenly feeling weak and full of sadness.

"Jagi..." The voice clearly speaks as I get up and turn around to see him standing there with the same deep brown hooded eyes that have been etched into my memory since the last time I saw him at the airport.

"Baby..." Tears begin to roll down my cheeks, "where have you been?"

I reach out to him, but I'm unable to touch him. With every step I take to get closer, he seems to move farther and farther away.

"Forever yours." He says as he fades away into nothingness leaving me feeling helpless and more alone than I ever thought possible.

"Ava?" Ethan shakes me from my slumber with a furrowed brow and an urgency in his tone. "Ava, wake up please."

As my eyes open, I realize that I hadn't only been crying in my dreams. My pillow is tear stained and puddles of warm heartache collect under my eyes. I look back at Ethan whose empathetic eyes search mine for some sort of information. Turning around to fully face him, I nuzzle my head into his neck and let myself silently cry. He's apprehensive to hold me at first as he slowly wraps his arms around me, but when I squeeze him tightly, he knows what I need.

"I'll be okay. It was just another bad dream." I whisper as if there was a need to.

"Want to talk about it? I'm still the same ol' Ethan you've always known." He gently reminds me.

"But things are different between us now." I reach up to swipe the wetness running down my cheek.

"They are, but that doesn't mean I'm not your friend still." He adjusts himself so that he's laying face to face with me and competes with my still flowing tears, trying his best to keep my face dry with the pads of his thumbs.

"It was about Taehyung. If you don't want to hear it, I understand." I shake my head, closing my puffy heat filled eyes.

"It's okay." He hums in a lullaby-like way.

With a heavy sigh, I begin to describe the reoccurring dream I've had over the past couple of years. It started around my senior year of college and every time I think I'm done having them and start to get a good nights sleep again, they start back up. Those mesmerizing deep brown eyes that I have adored since the first time I saw them at that graduation party and relished in up until the very last time I saw them in person back in South Korea have come to haunt me in the most beautifully hurtful way.

I feel like the dream must mean something. The beach, I feel, symbolizes our special place that, to this day, no one else knows about. The sound of the ocean waves, but unable to see the water symbolizes the ocean between us and the inability to get to him since I have no clue where he's even at or if I'm even wanted. The fog is my hazy memories and the inability to reach out and touch him symbolizes his unavailability.

But his words reverberate in my mind. I used to think it was reminding me to not give up, but now I think it's just my conscious fucking with my sanity.

I've analyzed this dream to death ever since I started having it, but I've never spoken about it to anyone until now. Avoiding ever sleeping next to another person to dodge having to have this conversation, but to my own surprise, I really feel comfortable getting this off of my chest for once. I think it must have been time.

"You've never spoken about this to anyone?" He looks at me with sorrow filled eyes.

"No I haven't." I answer with a relieved sigh.

"Baby, you really shouldn't hold everything in. It's good that you paint. I was so thankful to catch on to that little detail about you, but you should still talk to someone. Anyone. It doesn't have to be me if you don't want it to be." He sweeps the hair away from my face.

"I'm glad it was. Like you said, we've always talked about everything, right?" I smile softly at him in the darkened and quiet bedroom.

"Right." He smiles back at me and leaves a chaste kiss on my lips before turning me back around so that he can mold his body to mine. "Try to sleep baby girl. I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere."

I know he meant well, but the words kind of stung my already ultra-sensitive heart. Taehyung also said he wasn't going anywhere, but he left me alone and heartbroken while still desiring him to come back to me.