Song of the chapter is
I Love You by Billie Eilish

-43-
-Veronica D' Rosario-
-Present-

_______________

Daffodil Hospital
11 December, 2019
10:34 pm

There was darkness around me.

There were voices and words echoing in the vast nothingness of darkness, sentences picked apart by the storm that was brewing in my mind. Everything was tangled and knotted, forming a confused cloud in my memory. My body felt as though it was floating mid-air, wandering around a place that was beyond the sky and the entire galaxy --- a place inside me, far from human reach but close to the secret of existence.

Then I saw my mother.

She was outlined in the grey mist, her hands extended towards me.

" Mommy?"

My voice came out as a whisper, solemnly wanting to not be heard. I took a step closer towards her. I could see her clearly now. She was wearing the light blue nightgown that accentuated her beauty even more. She was like goddess Aphrodite --- elegant and sublime, a plethora of scent emanating from her body.

' How are you, baby? '

She asked me, her voice a gentle hum. My eyes lit up for a moment, at the hint of care that she exhibited for me. I smiled for a second and then realised.

"No..."

I took a step backwards. My heart pounding in my chest and my hands trembling were indications of the horror that was about to go down.

'Won't you come hug your mother?'

She took a step forward. Her eyes were gleaming with rage whilst her voice remained passively calm. She smiled even.

"You're...not...real. "

My voice quivered. Her smile started lessening, slowly and slowly until it was gone. Her image started distorting, floating away. She was a monster now; no longer able to hide her true self. She looked at me, her eyes empty and dark, and with her head tipping down. Her smile was no longer sweet---- it was razor sharp, ready to cut.

In my nightmares I saw my mother.

Blood was pooling down from her eyes, down her cheeks, staining her light blue gown. Her nose was bleeding too, the fresh trail reaching her lips making her white smile red. She was screaming.

' You are a monster, Veronica. '

No.

' You're a curse to everyone around you. '

No.

' You're made for destruction. You destroy everything you touch.'

No, I don't!

' No one can ever love a monster like you. '

shut up, shut up, shut up.

' You don't deserve to live, Veronica.'

Stop.

' I wish you were never born.'

I wish too.

' Let me take away all the pain. '

Please.

' Let me kill you. '

She plunged towards me, her frail hands getting a grip on my neck. I tried to get away, to free myself, but no avail. Her hands started gripping tighter and tighter until I was gasping for air.

And then I did it.

She staggered back with the impact of the knife twisting in her abdomen. Her blue nightgown was now oozing with blood, as she looked at me with gleaming eyes.

And then she smiled.

My lungs ached for air as my eyes drooped down to my trembling hands. They were covered in blood.

My mother's blood.

I woke up with a jolt. A piercing light burned behind my eyelids, a flash of light that doesn't blink in and out of focus. It stayed there, getting brighter by the second. There was a strong smell of disinfectant and chemicals and antiseptics , all combining to produce a scent that was familiar but strange at the same time.

Where was I?

My body grew alert, the numbness dissipating to give way to a jolting panic. I looked around me. White walls surrounded me, with dark green curtains at the right side of the room I was in. There was a beeping machine at my other side. I was covered in white sheets.

I was in a hospital.

As I tried to get up, someone rushed to my side and gently pushed my body back down on the bed.

" Honey, don't move much." Jennifer said, pulling the sheets on top of me. Zoya and Ahaan stood beside her, their eyes curiously fixated at me.

" Why am I here? What's going on?" I asked.

A doctor came in the room,his salt and pepper hair shining against the ceiling lights. His name tag reads ' Mr.Ghosh' . He's all cheery and shit, a carton cup of water in one hand and some greyish pills in another.

" I'm glad you're awake, Veronica. I am Doctor Ghosh , and I'm here to give your mother a summary of what's going on with your health." He said, a beaming smile on his aging face. He approached my bed and attempted to give me the sickening pills. " Here take these pills. They'll help you with-"

" I don't." My inner rage came out for a moment before I contained myself, " I don't want to have anymore medicine."

" Vivi, the doctor is giving it for your benefit. Come on, now, don't be rude." Jen scolded a bit sternly.

" No, no that's okay. I can understand her reason." He said, that stupid smile never getting off his face. " I'll just give this to you, Ms. Rosario. Just give it to her whenever she feels better, okay?"

Jen nodded as he proceeded to give her the vial of medicine in his hand. Jen apologized for my behavior, claiming that I wasn't usually like this. The doctor laughed in response, dismissing her apologies, claiming that it was normal after everything that had occurred. How would he know anyways? After the doctor talked about a 'possible concussion' and 'past mental health issues' and 'trauma' , he went with the promise of coming back in a few hours.

" That wasn't very nice of you, Vivi." Jen looked at me sternly as the doctor went out of the room.

" Why have you admitted me here?" I asked, irritatingly.

Jennifer looked at Zoya worriedly. Zoya gave her a quick nod and said, " You fainted on your way here. That's why we admitted you too. "

You too? Who else-

" Moose." Realisation hit me like a truck and I sat up with a jolt. How could I have forgotten?

" He's okay. The doctors stitched up his injury. He's unconscious though." Ahaan said in a hurry.

A wave of relief washed over me. He was okay.

" Can I see him?"

" Not now, honey. He's resting. And you need some too. You look exhausted." Jen said, caressing my hand.

" No, I'm okay. I just need to see him once. Even if through the window. I don't care. I just-"

" Vivi-"

" Jen," I drawled, looking seriously at her. " Please, I need to see him."

She hesitated for a minute before helping me get off the bed. Zoya led the way to his cabin. The hallway was filled with people crying and praying for the safety of their loved ones.

If only god listened to me like he listened to them.

I spotted Siya and Kartik standing alongside Saina near the cabin. Their eyes looked up as I walked up to them. Kartik took a step towards me.

" How are you?" He asked. But I didn't know what to answer him.

" I'm okay."

He nodded , giving way for me to go up to the cabin's window. Through the glass partition, I looked in.

There he was. Cladded in white sheets, his body laid limp and stiff against the white bed. A plastic tube was below his nose, encircling the middle of his face. Another tube was attached to the middle of his arm, which connected with the beeping machine.

I placed a hand on the partition. This was all my fault. He didn't deserve this. Not him out of all people. He shouldn't be bearing the repercussions of my life.

No one should.

I moved back, my eyes closing with the anticipation of the tears burning in the back of my eyes. I took a deep breath.

I wasn't going to let anyone get hurt anymore because of me. No one was going to face the consequences of my messed up life.

And I was going to make sure of it.

______________

Jennifer made sure that I got some good rest before they discharged me. And so I was here, sitting in the cabin assigned to me, just staring at the ceiling. After the last nightmare, I wasn't sure I could go back to sleep anytime soon.

The cabin door suddenly opened and in came Zoya. She gave me a tight lipped smile, before sitting in the chair beside the bed.

" How are you feeling?" She asked.

" Okay, I guess." I said and realised how I insensitive I was to not ask her whether she was okay. " I'm sorry, Zoya. I didn't ask you, how are you?"

She sighed, " Well, that's a scene no one wants to go through. I'll be okay."

I nodded slightly.

" Can I ask you something?" She asked and then immediately added, " You don't have to answer if you don't want to. I'll totally understand."

" Yeah, go on."

She hesitated for a moment before asking, " Before you woke up, were you having a nightmare?"

The colour drained from my face. My throat was dry, just like my lips.

" Yeah."

" Okay, " she nodded, and asked seriously, " was it about your real mother?"

My body grew tense. My shallow breaths came out in aggressive bouts.

" No.....why would you think that?"

" You were mumbling the word 'mommy'. Now I know that you weren't dreaming of Jennifer since you don't call her mommy. So I thought...." Her voice trailed off looking at my solemn expression.

My breath hitched in my throat. What would I answer her? What could I answer her?

" Uh....it was... nothing....just a bad dream."

She nodded slowly. And I knew that she wasn't convinced. But I didn't want to do anything to salvage that.

The door opened again, revealing Ahaan and Jennifer. Jen came up to the edge of the bed and said, "They're ready to discharge you."

I breathed.

" So we can go home now?" I asked, getting off the bed.

Jen nodded.

" Wait, you'll go home? Without meeting Himanshu?" Zoya asked, her brows creased.

I looked at her , my lips parting with hesitance. I couldn't tell her the real reason why I didn't want to meet Moose. Now. Or ever again if possible.

" Uh...you guys are here right? So I guess it wouldn't matter if I wasn't there." I said, my voice soft.

" V, " Ahaan drawled, taking a step towards me." You do know that you will probably be the first person that Himanshu would want to meet when he opens his eyes."

My breaths grew shallow again. I swallowed the lump that had been forming in my throat for long.

No, I couldn't stay.

Cause the longer I did, the more Moose would be in danger.

" Come on, peaches." I said, nervously without blinking. Jen gave me a look which I ignored.
" He'll be okay. I'll see you guys in school anyways."

No , I wouldn't.

" Veronica-"

" Jen, can we go now? Please." I said, as I pleaded her with my eyes not to say anything more. She sighed and nodded.

I said my goodbyes to Zoya and Ahaan, not even waiting for them to say it back and stalked my way out of the cabin I was in, with Jen beside me. She squeezed my hand as we walked over to the other end of the hallway. Away from my friends. Away from Moose.

My darkness had finally seeped me in. Away from everyone else. And I knew it better than anyone that I would never get out of its claws.