Songs for the chapter:

Estranged- Guns N' Roses

Leave Me Alone- Michael Jackson

Sometimes She Cries- Warrant

{M A U R A}

It had only been two weeks since she'd first cornered him.

I went looking for Jon at lunch in the courtyard. It was an annoyance by itself, since I usually didn't have to ask for his company.

It was worse when I looked across the courtyard and saw him sitting with that slut.

They had their food and books all spread out in front of them. Jon was talking animatedly like he always does, using his hands, laughing. She was laughing too, and smiling at him, putting her hand on his forearm.

I felt a pang of something in my chest, something I didn't wanna identify as pain. I was hurt and I didn't know why, not really. Denial was a rough thing.

I bit down so hard on the inside of my cheek that it began to bleed. I wanted to storm over there and grab that bitch by her ratty hair, I wanted to beat her to a pulp for trying to seduce someone as naive as Jon, and I wanted everyone to watch her humiliation.

Instead I just went home. I didn't trust myself not to do something stupid.

In general, I wasn't feeling good. Macy came around, but I felt like Jon was slipping through my fingers. I had the thing with Jax, but that was purely physical and I could feel it starting to suck the life out of me. I wasn't gonna admit that to Jon because that'd give him too much of an ego boost.

I wanted to tell my mom about what was going on, but all she cared about were the god damned peonies that kept showing up for me every morning like demented clockwork, day after day. The note from Jesse always said something new.

I warned my father not to invite the Williamses over for dinner again while I was around.

After school that day I just sat at my dresser with my head in my hands. I wanted to scream and cry all at once, and not even the Stones on my turntable could make me feel better.

I thought about Jax and my frustrations bubbled over. I knew I'd still be visiting him later, though. It would be worse if I didn't go.

In short, I felt like a mess. I was a mess.

I heard a faint knock on my door.

"Hey Freckles. Didn't see you much at school today."

I glared at the doorway in my mirror starkly. Jon was giving me a little smile as he came halfway in with his bag on his shoulder.

"What are you doing here?"

"What are you talking about, silly? We always hang after school. Thought you might need me to help you out with some homework or something. Or we could go down to the Bay and grab a pizza, maybe."

I chuckled deeply, and I didn't recognize my own voice. "Help me with my homework. You sure like helping people with stuff, don't you boy-o?"

His eyebrows dipped. "What?"

"You really are Captain-save-a-ho, you know that?"

He scoffed and came into the room completely. "Why are you talking like that? You feelin' alright?"

"No!" I bursted at him. "No, Jon! I am not  feeling 'alright'!"

"Calm down Freckles," he said slowly. "Just sit down. We can talk it all out, whatever it is."

I looked at him, and he was looking at me like he always did. Bright eyed and bushy tailed, ready to take my verbal abuse and turn it into something helpful. He was always too ready to help every fucking person on the planet, and it was too much I couldn't take it.

"No! Why don't you take that help and go shove it up your ass? Better yet, since you seem to like Vick's ass better, shove it up there! She's taken it up the back door so many times there's plenty of room!"

His expresson changed. "Oh."

"'Oh'? Is that it?"

He got up slowly and went to the door. He was somber as he looked at me one last time, hanging in the doorway.

"I'll come back when you've calmed down a little," he said quietly. "Feel free to give me a call if you need to, though. You have my number."

He shut the bedroom door.

I fell to the ground and began to sob. I wished he would come back, and I also wished I'd never see him again. I wished he'd never come in the first place and given me a taste of what it was like to have someone fully understand you, and I wished again that he would come back and hold me.

I pulled myself together eventually, and went to the one person who would hold me. Even if it was just for a little while.

Jax opened the front door slowly and looked down at me.

"You're early," he rasped. "It's still light out."

I looked around. It was late afternoon, and I was squeezing in this visit before my mom could get home and realize that I was gone.

"If your parents have a problem with me being here right now, I can come back later."

His eyes narrowed. "Ain't got parents."

He turned and walked back into the house, but he left the door open for me.

"Don't be silly," I laughed, following him inside. "Everyone's got parents. Where do you suppose you came from, then?"

"I know where I came from," he said gruffly and went into the kitchen. "I came from a ball-busting bastard named Joseph. A decent woman named Kate, or at least I thought she was."

He sat down at his little table and continued eating, as I guess he had been before I came.

I stood awkwardly. "Oh yeah?" I asked tentatively. "Where are they?"

"Who fucking knows?" he almost yelled at me, slamming his fork down. "Not here!"

I took a little step back and decided I wouldn't talk about it anymore. He picked up his fork again and stuck it into his styrofoam cup of ramen noodles. He didn't raise it to his mouth though, just watch the noodles move around in the broth, saying nothing.

"Joesph? He's got the whole gang. Maybe they're in LA. New York. Fuck, maybe they're not even in this country. Kate? She could be dead and gone for all I care."

I nibbled my lip lightly and looked at him. He sighed, rubbing his temples with his pointer and forefingers.

"Just ask it."

"Why?" I blurted. "Why aren't they here with you?"

He chuckled slowly, drily, and without any sort of amusement.

"So naive. You think that everyone has a family, everyone has someone watching their back, everyone has someone to love. You're wrong, girl."

My heart raced. He looked directly into my eyes and took a deep breath.

"The truth is that desperate people will do anything for money. The simplest way to put it is that my family doesn't live here anymore, cause when I stopped being... profitable... to Joseph, he tossed me aside. He took up what, or who, rather... could make him some dough."

I just swallowed. "Who?"

"Janet. My little-fucking-sister."

"Oh my god." I couldn't say anything more. My mouth felt like sandpaper.

"Now they're running around the world, makin' records, fans, money. Little old Jax is still here, living for me, working hard just to matter. No biggie, I'm fine."

That was the first time I ever heard him lie to me blatantly.

"But... doesn't it hurt to have them gone? Don't you wonder if they're thinking about you?"

"No! I ain't worthy of them apparently. I don't mean nothing to him, I'm not the center of Joseph's world like I used to be. And it doesn't matter, cause I've got my own life to live. They've got their Hayvenhurst, their music, their fantasy. I'm good."

He threw away the remainder of the ramen and stood at the sink with his head down.

"Janet's music isn't like yours," I said quietly. "I have some of yours. I like it better."

"That was a long time ago." He glared at me. "It's behind me now."

I understood so much more about him at that moment. Why he was so solitary, so quick to bite at anyone who came near. He was a wounded alley cat, and he'd been kicked too many times by the ones he thought he loved. Now he won't try and love anyone anymore.

I couldn't imagine being alone like that, no one to come home to. Only violence, bloodshed and tears.

I wanted to help him. I wanted to put his pieces back together.

I wondered why he was telling me all this.

"He's got his 'Jacksons'. His new fucking wife."

I cocked my head slightly. "A new wife? Who?"

He did not respond. His hands clenched around the metal rim of the sink and he turned all of a sudden.

"Go to my bedroom. Take your clothes off."

I guessed that was the end of our heart-to-heart.

{...}

I needed some cheering up, the old fashioned way.

I dragged Macy downtown for some ice cream, the real fattening kind loaded with sugar and the mix-ins. Like twix bars and gummy bears.

It was sold from a little stand beside Lake Michigan, which was a little odd since it was the coldest part of the city. The owner (a little old woman who could barely hobble) told me it was to save money on the electric bill. Much cheaper to have the lake cool the ice cream.

I always loved the place in the summer time, you could sit at the little tables beside the lake and watch the waves lap up at the sand... I needed that kind of therapy.

Only everything about that little stand was ruined when I saw the slut ordering my favorite sundae as we approached. The only thing that kept me from snapping instantly was the fact that she was alone.

Macy saw her and immediately tried to console me.

"Don't worry, she won't stay long. Or we can just grab our ice cream and leave. We don't have to deal with her ass."

"No," I snapped. "We came here to see the lake and the waves and therapy and stuff. She's leaving, not me."

I squared my shoulders and went stalking toward the stand.

"What are you doing?" she yelled after me.

"Going to tell her to leave."

"Maura, what? You're being ridiculous!"

I turned accusingly. "Oh, so you don't think I can take her? Is that it?"

She looked at me silently. "No, you can. I just think you're acting emotionally, you know? Being a little reckless. And rash."

"Whatever," I mumbled and walked right up behind Vick.

"Hmm, I've learned something new today. Whores do eat ice cream outside of the bedroom! Macy, write that down will you."

Vick chuckled, shaking her head as she took her ice cream through the stand's small window.

"Cute. So cute."

"I know I am. You on the other hand..."

She turned around dramatically and looked at me with a lopsided smile.

"Listen sweetheart, cause you obviously don't know how shit works here. I told you very specifically that if you came near Jax I'd get you, and your little Jersey lap dog. You're fucking Jax, so the way I see it... I get to play around with your doggie's fur."

I made a face. "He's too good for you, you know! He's too considerate. Too kind for you to fuck him over like this."

She shrugged. "He talks about you so much I wanna gouge my eyes out. That and his stupid fucking band. Too bad no one ever broke it to him that he's not going anywhere with that."

"You don't know dick," I spat.

"Oh I do," she said, licking the ice cream off the back of her spoon like the slut she was. "He's not getting away from me. He's too sweet for his own good, don't you agree?"

She turned and strutted away, hips swaying so hard I thought she might fall over.

"Stop! Just stop messing with him, he doesn't deserve it!"

She chuckled. "I think it's you who doesn't deserve him, sweetie! And you're the only one who cares. He sure doesn't. Jealous."

"Am not!"

"Let go! It makes the pain a little less."

She turned and gave me one last slick smile before he disappeared down the block.

"Fuck!" I groaned, balling my fists. "She's just using him to get at me!"

"It's really working," Macy commented quietly. "Didn't think this would matter so much to you. I just don't get why you care so much if you talk about how much you don't need him all the time."

I looked at her and opened my mouth to retort. I couldn't find anything relevant to say.

"If he wants to stray let him stray," she continued. "Maybe it is for the best."

I turned my back to her. I stared at the ground, disgusted with myself. He was nothing but a Teenage Dream, a dopey but intelligent, witty but kind... ball of East-Coast chest hair with legendary blow-dryer teasing skills.

{A/N}

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