Jin Pov

Ever since Namjoon and I have talked to Jungkook about Hana and therapy it was like something in him snapped. Before, he would mess around and prank the other members with Taehyung with a cheeky grin on his face and a childish glint in his doe eyes. Whereas now he doesn't talk to anyone unless there's a camera or staff around. I rarely see his cute bunny smile anymore and I have forgotten what his laughter sounds like. To add to this, he cancelled his therapy sessions by himself and when we confronted him about it he just gave us this blank face the entire time we spoke like he didn't understand Korean. I felt like I was talking to a statue. Of course, it wasn't just me who picked up on his strange behavior: the members and even some of the staff did too. And because of that we left him to do his own thing.

The only thing I did with him now was working out the gym. And honestly speaking, it's terrifying. Instead of focusing on my own workout I watch him destroy punchbag after punchbag from the corner of my eye. He's made a few dangerous-looking friends who practice in the boxing ring and I wince every time Jungkook gets punched in the gut. The amount of bruises littering his skin concerns me but unlike before, I don't dare tell him to stop. Jimin tried once and all he got was a blank, cold and empty stare and it's usually Jimin who able to break down jungkook's walls. After a few weeks of this behavior, no changes to his attitude looking to happen, Namjoon and I decided to temporarily give up. For now, we could only hope this is some teenage phase and that it'll pass.

Jungkook Pov

From: Hana :)
Hold up, how the fuck did you him knock out?! He looks like some invincible anime character????

To: Hana :)
Im just glad he's my friend otherwise he'd probably kill me after waking up and the boys at the gym have been teaching me some cool techniques~ at least if some killer tried to kill me I wouldn't be totally defenseless ;)

From: Hana :)
But what if I had a gun?

To: Hana :)
Did you just low-key say you are going to kill me?

From: Hana :)
Pshshshs noooooo....

To: Hana :)
<_<

From: Hana :)
Heh.... >,>

To: Hana :)
<_< I'm offended

To: Hana :)
Damn, I gtg ;-;
first concert in Korea with this comeback and we just arrived, so I gotta get ready.
Ttyl?

From: Hana :)
Yeah, sure!
Good luck jungkookie~

To: Hana :)
Thankssssss

I slid my phone into my sweatpants' pocket and got out the van door after Hoeseok and Teahyung, who were in the backseat with me, and squinted at the cameras' flashing lights. We walked quickly, our managers and bodyguards either side of us to shield us from the swarm of fans. When we reached the building I let out a breath from my previously constricted lungs and relaxed my features, my smile unconsciously disappearing as soon as we were out of the cameras' sight. Our managers lead us to our changing rooms and as soon as the door opened our stylists scurried over from their workstations and shoved some outfits into our hands. I sighed, the stylists panicky shouts were already starting to annoy me.

I stepped into the corner of the room and got changed behind some boards for privacy. It didn't do a very good job. A prominent six-pack had resulted from my intense workouts and boxing practice so I wasn't surprised that some of the female and male staff made some shitty excuse so they could get a glimpse of my body. It was a nice ego-boost.

It was about an hour and half later, with my outfit, makeup and hair finished, when I received a text. I felt the vibrations tingle my hands, so I paused my music and looked at the notification

1 message from dad

My thumb hovered over the notification, I wondered why would he text me now and what for? And for the second time, my curiosity got the better of me.

From: Dad
Younha died today.

I froze. Why now? Why me? What the fuck did I do to deserve this now of all times? Memories from my twisted childhood of my step-mum and I hit me like a train and I was very surprised that I didn't just collapse on the floor in a fit of tears and sobs.

To: Dad
Was it the cancer...?

From: Dad
Yes.

This time tears did escape. I quickly dabbed my eyes and cheeks to avoid any scolding from the makeup stylist and so no one would know I was crying because then I'd have to explain. It would be only a couple minutes or so until I would have to go on stage. I sprinted to the bathroom, ignoring the members confused faces and the managers shouts and locked myself in a stall so I could calm down. I practiced the exercise Mrs Kim taught me and controlled my breathing to avoid my upcoming panic attack.

After calming down I quickly rushed out the bathroom, checking my reflection on the way past to make sure my tears didn't ruin my makeup. I arrived just in time and luckily the members didn't have time to ask about my melt-down before we were pushed onto the stage.

-----

An hour of screams, flashing lights, booming music and sore throats later I still wasn't over the fact that my step-mum was dead. With a lot of struggle, I managed to compose myself for the first part of the concert. I walked around with a confident smirk and winked at the fans screaming my name. However, as soon as Yoongi started passionately rapping "first love" my confident facade that masked my despair crumbled to pieces.

(A/N ok so this bit is a little bit confusing... so here's a guide?
Underlined=lyrics
Bold=memories
Italics=present thoughts
Normal= present time

You could also listen to first love for effect)

The corners of my mind
A brown piano taking up space on one side
The corners of the house of my youth
A brown piano taking up space on one side

I remember growing up in a small house located near the seaside in busan. My childhood wasn't like one of any normal child. My mother died when I was little and I have no memories of her. My father was always away at work and hired a nanny to clean the house and look after me. Throughout my entire childhood I never spent a birthday with my father. I think I was about seven when he remarried to a woman called Younha.

I remember that time
The brown piano that was so much taller than me, when it led me
I longed for you when I turned my face up to you
When I stroked you with one small finger

It was on my tenth birthday that I received a piano from Younha. The piano I had been begging my dad for since the age of five; not like he heard any of my desperate pleads. However, my father had been at home more recently. Whether that's a good thing or a bad thing, I don't know.

I feel nice mom, I feel so nice

"Kookie, remember what I taught you! Fingers bent, shoulder relaxed and no slumping! You've got to follow my instructions or you'll be shit at playing the piano. Got it?" There was no filter in my house, my parents would quite often throw colourful insults at each other when both of them were home. It wasn't until those colorful insults turned into colourful bruises on both my mother's and my own skin, that I lost my mothers love.

The keys that only sauntered where my hands went
I didn't know your meaning then
At that time, I was happy only looking

"Mum? A-are you ok...?"
"Jungkook, what did I tell you?! Get back to practicing that piano now! If I see you even look this way you're grounded for a month!"
"Y-yes mother!" This was now the regular. Practicing the piano was what I'd spend most my time on aside from homework and anything school related. Well, that was when my father wasn't home. He rarely visits anymore, but when he does it's just punching and shouting at my mother. Thankfully he doesn't hit me anymore. Ever since he cut my cheek open with a smashed beer bottle my mother convinced him to take it out on her instead. Yes, her love may be tough but it's what keeps me alive.

I remember that near the end of elementary school
The time that my height finally became taller than your height
At that point I neglected the you I had yearned for
Atop the keys like white jade,
Dust piled up

I remember feeling embarrassed whenever someone would look at me weirdly whenever I had red marks around my neck or a hand shape imprinted onto my cheek. Mother's love has been a little tough but I guess I kinda deserve it. I no longer practice the piano anymore and I no longer back down to my mother when she shouts at me. In fact, I find myself sometimes shouting back equally as loud, if not louder. I haven't seen father for a couple years now, the most I get from him is a shitty Christmas card with a picture of a rabbit wearing a Santa hat every year.

Your neglected appearance
I didn't know it back then
Your meaning was that wherever I am
You'll always be with me
Protecting that space, maybe that was why
I didn't know it would be the end

Our arguing got to a point where I rarely would come home. I opted to spend the night at some friends house or even on the street sometimes. But when I did come home, I'd be welcomed by my mothers embrace and tears would spill out both our eyes and I'd find myself wondering why I even left in the first place. But this became a routine I'd follow monthly. And I'd turned blind to my mothers health.

Don't go like this, you say
Even if I go, don't worry
Because you'll do well on your own
I think of the time I first met you
At some moment you just became bigger
You put a period on our relationship
but don't be sorry towards me
Whatever form I take
You will see me again
Let's meet happily again at that time

It was no longer a secret that my mother had cancer. Her body was pale and bony and she was always wearing at least three layers of clothing to stay warm. Her silky black hair came out in thick clumps and discovering her body slumped over the toilet seat spewing vomit wouldn't be a rare sight. Yet despite this she always made sure to encourage me with my dream to be a singer. It broke my heart when I found out she spent the money that was supposed to be for her treatment on the funds my music school required for me to go.

Without realizing, my breathing had gotten heavier. The lights were now blinding, confusing my senses, and the music deafening. My mind was racing as Yoongi continued to furiously rap about his mother. I felt myself getting dizzy with my thoughts and the room began to spin.

Mother. Dead. Cancer. You're Selfish. You're an Idiot . Father. Mother. Love. Help me. Too much Pain. It Hurts. Death. Too Bright. Too Hot. Too Loud. I'm an Idiot. I'm Selfish. Stop. Please. Please. Please. No! No! No! Help me. Mother. Dead? Mother. Dead! Mother! Mother! Dead mother!
Darkness.

My eyeballs rolled to the back of my head and just like that; I was out.

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As you can tell, it was my aim to make you cry.

Did it work?

We've learnt a lot about kookie this chapter, hm?

Please vote and comment~

I hope you're enjoying reading this as much as I am writing it~

Also sorry for any mistakes

-Neve