"Do heartbreaks hurt that much that they change you into an almost different person?" Orion asked curiously, his eyes fixated on me as if amused with me.

"I don't get it, you know? I mean... a person can't be that special to the point of change and pain, right?" Iouis added with a distant look. "I just don't get it... I mean, why would you willingly give another person the control over your feelings?"

This is supposed to be a relaxing day but now I'm suddenly regretting that I even invited them to come with me. I should've went here alone. Nakapag-isip pa sana ako nang maayos.

"True! Why would anyone deliberately do that?" Gabriello added with a nod. "That's like digging your own grave."

I shook my head with a smirk. Until they experience what it is to be in a "real" relationship and not the "for-fun" ones and flings, they'll never understand the reality that a person can affect them that much. I can attest to that. I mean... who would've thought?

"Kuya, yogurt please," Marga said with a pout. Mom gave me a look and that's when I knew that I have to submit to my sister's whim.

I nodded without a word and left our grandfather's room and went to the vending machine to get Marga her yogurt. I never understood why she even likes yogurt. It's like eating milk that's almost liquid and almost solid.

"Aw! Sorry!" The girl who bumped me spoke. Her eyes were too focused on the vending machine that she failed to see me.

I shrugged and typed the code for the yogurt which is the only one left. Through the vending machine's glass case, I saw the girl's eyes widen when I typed in the yogurt's code. It looks like she wanted to get this too.

I saw her turn to me and in an instant, for some unknown reason, I faced her too. It was as if my reflexes told me to do so and now I'm face-to-face with her. She stood like a statue with her mouth gaping open.

"You're blocking my way," I said, then reaching for the yogurt before turning my back on her. She looked like she was expecting something so when I spoke, she seemed taken aback.

Who would've thought that that girl would then play a big role in my life? Who would've thought that that girl at the vending machine would then place me in the palm of her hands?

If only I knew, I should've treaded carefully. I should've been more wary... if only I knew, maybe I won't be feeling this way because of her departure.

"Mala-anghel nga ang itsura't boses pero hindi naman namamansin," she whispered to herself. I wasn't really sure if she was talking to me plus I didn't know how to respond so I acted oblivious instead. I couldn't help but smirk because of her words. It's weird that I find her amusing.

I thought that she'd be just one of my passing fancies; the one who's attractively-pleasing to look at but that's pretty much it. But then, we had plenty of other interactions and I got to know her more.

She has a good sense of humor and can effortlessly sway me with her words. She acts so natural and cool that even though we're not that close, I feel so comfortable around her. There's something in her that's drawing me more to her. Something I cannot explain. I just really find her different and that, alone, feels weird... but the good kind of weird.

Another thing that's weird is that Margarita seems to be playing cupid with me and Axyne. Heck! Why am I even calling her Axyne?

"You like Gazella," Margarita said while barging into my room without even knocking. I gave her a sharp look before continuing with my work, pretending to be oblivious to her words.

Now's not the time for her to play "interviewer" with me. My mind has been preoccupied with that certain person that my sister's also talking about. She has been staying rent-free in my mind and it's starting to make me crazy. Just one more mention of her name and I'll go ballistic.

"Martell... come on..." Irene said with a sigh before encircling her arms around my neck. I wanted to get away from her but I also didn't want to push her. Next thing I know, my back already hit the soft mattress with my ex-girlfriend on top of me and with Axyne at the door of the room.

Her eyes widened before she quickly turned around and left. I stood up and fixed myself, forgetting that Irene was on top of me which caused her to fall down. I helped her get up before leaving the room to find Axyne.

I don't know why but I'm suddenly feeling the need to explain to her. I feel anxious and panicky. I don't want her to get the wrong idea. It's not that I'm assuming that she's assuming. I just really don't want her to think that something's going on with me and Irene.

"You look bothered," Margarita's words snapped me back.

Yes, I am bothered! I am bothered as to why I'm suddenly interested with what Axyne thinks of me! I don't want her to think that I'm that kind of person who just sleeps around and play around everywhere.

But heck! Why am I bothered? Why do I suddenly want her to be impressed with me?

I have been distancing myself from her because I feel like I'm gonna go crazy. My mind has been presenting me with a hunch as to why I'm being like this but I've been avoiding to think about it too.

I want to confirm this by thinking but then, I also don't want to think. And the more I avoid this, the more I feel like going crazy Fuck!

I shut my eyes close and massaged my head. There's only one explanation for all of these. I want to deny it but there's no use. It would be harder if I try to tell myself the otherwise. Margarita's words didn't help either. To make the matter worse, she even confirmed it for me.

"You like Gazella," she repeated. It wasn't a question but rather a statement. There's no trace of hesitation in it and it seems to me that she's a hundred percent sure.

Yes, I do like her. A part of my mind answered.

And that's when I knew I was in trouble.

"Ah, the power of love," Martini said dreamily in my ears. I glared at him and kept my phone even though I know there's no point since he probably saw what I was watching.

"You're a lovesick stalker," he added with a smirk. "So tell me, how much do you get paid to run a fan account? Have you been enjoying stalking her in social media? Does it make you feel like you know her more—"

"Just shut the fuck up, will you?" I glared at him again and stood from my seat. I was having a short study break but I don't think I can continue now that Martini is here.

How can I concentrate on my work if the only few times when my mind isn't occupied by Axyne, my siblings are pestering me?

I don't know how Martini knew since as far as I can remember, it was only Margarita who has an idea about this. I didn't even confirm it to her. I merely shrugged just so she wouldn't suspect that her words were accurate. Unless... am I that obvious?

Martini chuckled and sat on my study table. "Our Halloween costumes are ready for pick-up. Go get it at Milena's boutique, I'm still busy," anang kapatid at saka mabilis na umalis, hindi man lang ako hinintay na makasagot.

Napasinghal na lang ako at kinuha na ang susi ng sasakyan para makaalis na. I was in the middle of driving when my phone lit up. I got an Instagram notification that Axyne posted in her story. I parked in front of a hotel and viewed it.

I'm not obsessed, alright? I just really like viewing her posts. I guess I can be considered as a fan of hers.

Nah, you're a lovesick fool. Martini's voice rang in my ears.

"Korean food..." I whispered to myself, trying to think of a good Korean restaurant. I didn't had a hard time in finding one and since I didn't know what she exactly wants, I bought the ones I thought she'll like.

Milena's boutique is in New York and she really insisted that I should be the one to pick our costumes. I have been driving for an hour already yet here I am, driving back to Massachusetts just so I can bring Axyne her cravings which she didn't actually ask from me.

Damn! Maybe I am a fool!

She fell asleep on her couch. I thought she's hungry but it seems to me that it was the hormones that were talking.

The side of her face were wet with tears yet she looked peaceful. I found staring at her while she's sleeping a bit creepy so I busied myself roaming around her apartment.

Damn! Did she bewitch me? Did I get it that bad? I don't think I ever acted this way because of anyone before.

What's with Axyne that's making me different? A weird yet good kind different.

"Why don't you stock some paper bags? I think you'll need them now that you're making it your career to give your beloved all these food—"

"Don't worry, he does have a stock of paper bags," Margarita cut Martinez off. I glared at the both of them.

"You barely visit here yet you never fail to give me a headache," I said sardonically yet Martinez merely shrugged.

I ignored the two and placed the teddy bear I made for Axyne inside the paper bag. I didn't do it on my own, of course. I'm no tailor nor anything of the likes so I asked Milena's help.

Though even just by thinking about making a teddy bear seems so hard already, it was way more complicated than I thought it would be. But then, I don't really mind. I don't mind trying new things for Axyne.

At that point, I knew that I was already deep in the pit. I don't think I'd ever put that much of an effort if it's not for someone dear to me. I know I like her but I wasn't aware that it's that much.

I never liked denial. I know that life is already complicated and hard and I just want to, at least, simplify it by being truthful. It's not all the time that it's easy to do so. Admitting to myself that I like someone more than I should wasn't easy. Thinking about how I can express myself was not easy either. And confessing about how I feel... well... it was the trickiest part. I wasn't even sure if I was gonna tell her.

I thought keeping it to myself would "lessen" the intensity of what I have for her. I thought that if I would just focus my attention on something else, what I have for her would eventually fade. But it didn't.

I don't know where I got the courage but I actually got myself to admit to her that I like her. I don't think it was the cleverest and the sweetest but basing on her reaction, it's safe to say that she liked it. And well... that's all that matters.

"Ganda ng ngiti, ah!"

"Duh! Sinong hindi—"

"You're all so noisy and nosy!" I cut Margarita off. I don't know why but my condo unit has been serving as their hangout. I don't mind having them here yet it's just that they've been making my romantic life their topic. Walang araw na naririto sila na hindi sila nagtanong tungkol sa amin ni Axyne.

"Why don't you all just leave and prepare for the party later, huh?" I suggested, really wanting to get rid of them. The more they try to interrogate me, the more I feel panicky about Axyne and I.

I mean... there's no "us" yet but that's the ultimate goal. It's just that I'm not really sure if I'm doing the right thing. I feel like things are too good to be true and now a part of my mind is suggesting that this isn't real or that someday, things will get messy in order to compensate for all these "great days".

"Kuya, look!" Margarita said in a panicky voice while transferring to my side.

"If you're gonna start inte—"

"No! Listen! Look!" Aniya at mukhang hindi pa sigurado kung saan magsisimula. Nilahad niya ang kaniyang cellphone sa akin at nanlaki ang mga mata ko nang makita ang isang litrato.

I couldn't help but whisper some curses when I saw a picture of Irene and I. It was taken years ago but for some reason unknown to me, it's leaking on social media.

I massaged my head and took the liquor from the table. I chugged it in one gulp, my mind starting to panic because it's all over social media and knowing Axyne, she probably saw it already.

"Fuck!" I cursed out loud again, not minding my cousins' stares. "What should I do? I don't want her to think that I'm just fooling around with her." I turned desperately to my cousins who are now secretly sporting amused looks.

"Aww... look at you... so serious even though you're still not together," Oceanne said dreamily. I frowned at her, thinking that she's not taking me seriously.

"I'm serious, you know..."

I glared at each one of them yet they remained unbothered. Martini sat beside me and placed an arm around my shoulders. "For a smart person, you're dumb."

"Thanks a lot," I replied with a sarcastic smile. Clearly, they're enjoying my misery. They like seeing me problematic. But damn! I can't focus on anything right now. The thought that Axyne might've already seen the picture and thinking that I'm fooling her is too much to bear that I cannot think straight anymore.

"Instead of chugging all our drink, you should've called her and explained—"

"But we're not a couple yet! I don't want her to think that—"

"Still! Yes, you two may not be official yet but explaining to her will actually lessen further complications," Charlotte butted in with a sigh. It was as if she's disappointed with me for not being able to think of a solution. "If you're just gonna moan in misery and drink all the liquors, will it do anything good? No, right?"

"For the first time, I'm proud that she's my sister," Chloe commented, making the rest of them chuckle. "Knowing Gazella, I'm sure she'll appreciate it if you clear things out. In that way, Martell, she won't assume that you're playing around and your worries about her thinking that you're playing around would be eased."

It was the first time I got really worried about something I once thought as trivial. I mean... why would I care about what other people think of me? So what if they think I'm playing around? I know the truth so why would I bother?

But then, this is Axyne we're talking about. For some unknown reason, I want whatever we have to work out. She makes the ordinary, extraordinary. The boring, fun. And the simple ones into something special.

"Is that her, Sir Martell?" The guard whom I was talking with asked. I spent my time waiting for Axyne conversing with him. "You two make a good pair, Sir."

I smirked. I'll make sure to give him a nice present this Christmas.

And speaking of Christmas, it'll be nice to spend such special day with Axyne. And maybe I can introduce her to my family as well for formality's sake. My cousins and siblings already know but it's because they know Axyne. Plus, my mother can be overbearing at times and I don't want her to get in the way just as she did with my siblings' personal lives.

I started making plans and I got excited about them. Visualizing those in my mind makes me like a giddy-looking fool but I am too damn happy to even care. But then, before one of those plans can even take place, things started to fall apart.

I never really minded when life goes hard on me. I'm used to such and I know that I have the capability to deal with whatever it is that I'm facing.

It never occurred to me that I'd experience heartbreaking situations that'd make my view in life dark. I never thought that heartbreaks feel this painful.

When my prior relationships ended, I did feel bad at some point but it didn't make me feel like my world is ending. Exaggerated, I know. I find myself overly dramatic too. Heck! I don't even think I'm still myself. I feel like a different person now.

I never had a problem with life being hard because I know that that's the reality and I can't do anything to change it. But now, life seems to be harder and confusing than it should be.

It's not just the heartbreak that's slowly tearing me into pieces. It's also the fact that I don't know myself anymore that I cannot think of any rational and reasonable way to help myself.

How can I help myself when I don't even know myself anymore? And how can I know myself when a big part of me was taken by Axyne when she left?

Even in just the few months that we were together, it felt like we've been together for a lifetime. Yes, it's exaggerated but damn it! That's the ugly truth that I want to deny.

But then, if there's anything that I know that would at least help me, that would be by accepting the truth. I'd rather be hurt than be in denial. I'd rather feel all these pain now than be haunted in my sleeping and walking hours because of denying it.

I may feel like I'm trapped inside a dark tunnel but I know that I owe it to myself to acknowledge the truth; to acknowledge what I'm feeling even though I'm not entirely sure what exactly this is that I'm feeling.

Am I angry? Disappointed? Lonely? Confused? Honestly, I don't know. I sometimes get this ardent and suffocating feeling but most of the times, I feel numb. It's like I only remember the pain when my mind reminds me. But then, I might only be acting this way because I am confused... but again, I really don't know.

"I feel like I'm going crazy," I admitted, then leaning on a tree trunk while closing my eyes. I heard my companions sigh and when I opened my eyes, they were already sitting in front of me.

"I know that heartbreaks are supposed to be painful but I didn't know that they hurt this much..."

Before they could even utter a word, I stood up. I realized that I can't do this. I can't open up. That was all that I can share and nothing more.

I went deeper into the forest until I reached the hidden lake. It was a hidden gem of this place and only a few knows about its existence.

I sat on the rocky shore of the lake and hung my head low. I felt my cheeks getting wet and my nose clogging up. I feel suffocated and I just want all of these to end. But deep down, I also don't.

Damn it, Axyne! You didn't have to hurt me this bad.

I don't want to know the reason why a big part of me doesn't want this to end. I don't want to know why a big part of me is still holding on when in fact, there's nothing that I can hold onto anymore.

I shook my head and wiped my face. Damn! Not only I am an over-thinker and over-dramatic, but I am also starting to become a crybaby!

Damn it, Martell! You don't have to be this affected!

I swallowed hard and stood up. I don't think I'd be able to move forward if I'll allow myself to be stuck in the past. Maybe my heart and a part of my mind can remain here but the rest of me can't. My heart can long for her and my mind can think of her but I can't.

My heart can continue missing her but that's it. I'm not gonna pay attention to its yearning. I'm not gonna give in to its burning desire to do something to get back with her.

I'm just gonna live my life with the hopes that I'd one day wake up with the pain and burdens no longer haunting me.

"You like her, don't you?" Maddie asked in an intrigued tone. She shook her head with a smirk. "Don't worry, I know that feeling... it's like you know that there are a lot of fish in the sea yet you only want that specific fish and nothing else—"

"You're nosy," I cut her off. I didn't want to hear the rest of her words. Seeing Axyne again after all these years had indeed made me vulnerable.

I was never free from the burdens of the heartbreak she caused me. I was never healed. I wanted to help myself heal but what I gave myself was only some subpar first aid.

I gave myself some bandaid solution; something that did help control the bleeding but didn't actually heal my wounds.

And now that I'm seeing her again, my wounds were cut afresh. The bleeding that once temporarily stopped continued and no bandaid nor first aid can sustain it anymore.

To make matters worse, even after all these years, my heart is still a fool for her. Just one look at her and it's willing to forget all that has happened. No matter how much I try to convince myself that I should be smart enough to stay away from her to avoid another heartbreak, this small yet impactful voice that tells me the otherwise always wins.

"You're finally done chasing my cousin?" I asked, changing the subject. "I'm telling you, it's a hopeless case. He's head over heels about someone else and you can't change his mind."

I pursed my lips when I realized that what I said feels like something I'm trying to tell myself. It's more of an advice for myself and not for Maddie.

Just admit it, you're head over heels Axyne and you know it. You know the truth and no matter how much you try to convince yourself, you can't force your heart and mind.

Ah, there's that voice again. I won't be surprised if any time by now, I'd admit myself to a health facility and get checked. I mean... damn! It's been seven long years! I can't be that foolish to even hope secretly, right?

"If there's one unforgettable lesson I learned that I'd be so keen in sharing, that would be about revenge being a bad idea," Jarvis spoke with a sigh.

"It'll do us more harm than good... I regret what I did to her and instead of feeling satisfied that I succeeded in my initial plan and that was to hurt her, I'm now suffering and remorseful," he added, now sounding as if he's talking to himself rather than giving an advice.

Our table became silent until Orion spoke. He cleared his throat and pursed his lips, looking unsure. "She seems like a nice person and it's clear that she cares for you... don't you think she has her reasons for leaving? I mean, not all reasons sound rational but..." he trailed off with a sigh and leaned back on his seat.

"We're on your side, Martell, but I think she's hurting too," Gabriello added. "It's actually weird because she's the one who left yet every time she's at the gym, I always see her crying while running on the treadmill."

Gabriello's words caught my attention. I turned to him and immediately saw his amused look. I glared at him and stood up. Marami na akong iniisip at ayaw kong dagdagan pa nila ang lito kong nararamdaman.

"You can't ignore her, Martell. You can try but you'll eventually give in," pahabol ni Martini na ikinahinto ko naman sa paglalakad. "You care for her. You always did, you still do, and you always will."

I turned to him with a dark look. His words are more of a burden than help! "Maybe I do... but the person who left will never have a space in my life," I said with finality, trying to convince them that that's not gonna happen though it also feels like I'm convincing myself and not them.

"You'll let her in again, Martell," dagdag naman ni Martinez at mukhang siguradong-sigurado pa sa sinasabi. "You might not admit it now but unconsciously, you're gonna come crawling back to her."

I must admit, their words struck me bad that I got scared. I don't feel so steadfast anymore. It's like deep down, I, too, know that I'll be giving in; that I can't stand pretending. I will eventually break and yield.

"See? I told you, you'll give in," Gabriello whispered tauntingly. He sat on one of the stools and even took my camera. Before I could snatch it from him, he turned to the other side while browsing through the pictures.

"Oohh... you're wise, Martell... really wise," he said with a proud smile, then handing back my camera. "It makes sense... you can freely look at her through your lens because you're the photographer and she's the model—"

"That's not true!"

Gabriello made a face, clearly trying to mock me. He looks like that popular Shrek meme that shows disbelief.

"Care to explain why your umbrella that was specially designed by Milena is with her? Let me guess, you were both at the museum then it rained. You then left your umbrella to the guard and asked him to give it—"

I covered my ears and turned my back on him. He doesn't have to remind me and he doesn't have to add to the headache Milena has been giving me.

The moment she saw Axyne carrying that umbrella, I'm sure she immediately formulated different theories in her head which she enthusiastically shared to me. What's worse here is that I can't deny anything.

I couldn't deny that I did leave that umbrella for Axyne when we were at the museum. It was raining and I knew that she only walked from Milena's studio to the museum. I couldn't just let her walk in the rain, could I?

"Why are most of these pictures blurry?" Milena asked with a frown. "Are you okay? Taking bad pictures was never your thing."

Ah, here we go again.

"Just stressed," I said with a shrug. It was a lie but not entirely a lie. It's true that I've been stressed out but it's actually not the real reason behind all these blurry shots.

Just admit it, you can't concentrate because you're too mesmerized by Axyne.

Damn it! Yes, I am distracted! I mean, how can someone be so ethereally beautiful? Is it possible that she's aging backwards? She looks like she came straight out from a vintage catalogue and Milena seriously expects me to be able to concentrate?! Damn! This is unfair!

See? You're a lovesick fool. Since then, until now, and will always be.

"I despise all of you," I said grumpily and sat on my usual spot. Meeting and having drinks with my cousins became a habit. And even though I'm kind of avoiding them right now, I still find myself with their company.

"Iinom mo na lang 'yan," one of them suggested, then handing me a bottle.

"Did Mr. In-Denial finally admit that he still has a thing for his—"

"Give me a break, Gabriello," I cut him off with a glare yet he only laughed and shrugged. I heaved a deep sigh and chugged my drink.

Just like what they predicted, I am slowly giving in to her effortless charms. They're right and I hate it that they're right. I hate it because no matter what I do, I cannot deny that I care for her. It just sucks that I can't bring myself to leave just like what she did to me before.

"This is so unfair," I said with a sigh, then plopping myself down to the couch.

Mimosa sat beside me and made me lean on her side. She always liked babying me for some reason but I'm not complaining now.

"Of course, it is. We never played by the rules, Forrest," she said in her usual soothing voice while caressing my hair. "There's no rule actually thus anything can make the game unfair."

I remained silent, trying not to get lost in my thoughts. I heaved a deep sigh and I was about to stand but Mimosa gently pushed my head back to her shoulders.

"It's not supposed to be easy, Forrest... if it is, then everyone on this planet would be happily in love," she continued, her mellow voice seems to be trying to put me to sleep. "Rules never dictated how you felt for her. Mom tried but she failed. You chose her even years ago despite all... so don't be afraid of choosing her again."

Mimosa caressed my hair one last time before standing up. After she took her bag, she bent down and reached for my cheeks. "You either play the game and have the chance to win it, or let the game play with you where defeat is always inevitable."

She smiled at me and tapped my head before heading to the door. I walked her out and when I was all by myself, I chose to just sleep instead. My mind is still too boggled to even think properly.

I had a deep sleep which involved a lot of Axyne. I'm not sure whether I should feel relieved now that I feel at peace or feel bothered because I'm pretty sure that it was the person in my dreams that gave me a good sleep.

I shook my head in dismay and chose to prepare for Maliaxinne's birthday party instead. It was a quick drive from my condo to the nearby club.

We're not just celebrating Maliaxinne's birthday but also for the big project my company sealed. I'm proud of my team but if I'll be honest, I don't feel enthusiastic nor thrilled about anything at all. Heck! I don't think I'll ever feel such as long as the woman who's now looking so enthralling in her all-black attire is in my mind.

My eyes were fixated at Axyne. She looks so damn fine and as much as I want to look away, I couldn't bring myself to do so. It was only when she looked at our direction when I got hold of myself.

The night passed by like a blur. When Axyne's not looking in our direction, that's the time that I bring my eyes to their table. It's a good thing that most of the people in our booth are either at the dance floor or too drunk to even notice me staring at the other party's table.

"Cheers to the birthday girl!" Sigaw ng isa naming kasamahan. Kasabay niyon ay ang pagbukas niya ng champagne na ikinahiyaw naman ng iba pa naming mga kasama.

Next thing I know, they were already prompting Maliaxinne and I to kiss. I don't know how many times I made it clear to them that there's nothing romantic going on with Maliaxinne and I.

"Kiss me back," Maliaxinne said as she neared me. Before I could even process her words, her lips were already on mine's. I did as I was told since I also wanted to test something out.

My eyes immediately drifted to the dance floor where I last saw Axyne. She wasn't with her friends anymore but our group was too enthusiastic that I didn't have the time to wander my eyes to find her.

"So, no spark at all?" Maliaxinne asked. I turned to her and sighed before leaning my head on the headrest of my seat. I heaved a deep sigh again, making her smile. I was about to open my mouth to speak but she raised her hand.

"No, don't say it," she said while shaking her head. "You made it clear from the start that you're in love with someone else."

Maliaxinne smiled again, the corner of her eyes were shining with tears. I took a handkerchief from my pocket but before I could even bring it to her face, she held my hand to stop me.

"I'm sor—"

"You pushed me away but I chose to stay," she cut me off. "You didn't use me so please don't say sorry..."

The following day, we celebrated Gretchen's birthday. And as expected, Axyne was there too. I didn't know how to act especially after the conversation we had. But then, she hid herself in one of the rooms so I didn't have to avoid her.

"I saw you..." I flinched when I heard Gretchen's voice. She was comfortably sitting on the couch while sipping her drink and with a magazine on one hand.

I reluctantly went to the couch when she tapped the space beside her. There's no point in denying anything since she saw me herself. She saw me carrying Axyne from my room back to where she's supposed to sleep.

"I didn't want anyone to think anything," I explained in a rather defensive tone.

Gretchen said nothing so I leaned on the couch and closed my eyes instead. My sleep last night was probably the comfiest I ever had since she left. As much as I want to deny this but nothing can beat being cuddled by Axyne. I want to convince myself that I was just tired yesterday but who am I kidding? It's Axyne. Everything seems better when she's around.

I sleep peacefully when she's around. My heart leaps in excitement each time I see her. My insides go awry when I see her smile even if I'm just watching from the sidelines.

"My sister's stubborn, you know..." Gretchen spoke. "I think being friends with me gives you an idea on how you can deal with her."

I didn't say anything so she continued. "She's scared of you. She's scared because she left. She hasn't moved on from you but she's also too ashamed to come back... I don't think she has a plan in moving forward, Martell... I'm worried about the two of you... I don't think either of you have a plan in moving forward..."

"I don't want the two of you to just forever be heartbroken. I don't want my sister to forever be scared... she can't face you and tell you, Martell," Gretchen continued with a distressed sigh.

Tell me? Axyne has something to tell me? So, Orion's right that she has a reason? But heck! What could possibly be a valid reason for her sudden departure? I don't think there's a rational reason for her to leave without telling me!

"I want to help her," I blurted out of nowhere. Despite of all the internal arguments and laments I've been having, I can't believe that I still found myself saying such words!

"What?"

Oh well... there's no point in changing my words. I'm sure Gretchen heard clearly. She just really wants me to repeat it.

"I said I want to help her..."

I turned to Gretchen, her brows furrowing with a surprised yet bewildered look playing on her face. "Since when did you become like this?"

I paused to think. Minsan lang kami seryosong nag-uusap ni Gretchen kaya susulitin ko na lang ito. Plus, I'm also curious as to why I'm being like this. I have been curious why I am like this and until now, I still can't find any rational answer.

"Since she became my Axyne," I answered in a low voice. I can't believe that I'm actually feeling my cheeks burn because of it.

"So, she's scared of me?" Pag-iba ko ng usapan. Tulala pa si Gretchen at huli na nakabawi. "You think she can't move on because she's scared of me?"

Gretchen nodded with a sad smile. I crossed my arms and leaned back on the couch, thinking.

So if I want to help her, I have to help her stop being scared of me? Will that make her happy and peaceful?

"You still look problematic," Maliaxinne's familiar voice brought me back from my reverie. I looked up to her as she sat on the seat opposite my table. "Let me guess, you haven't done any work, have you?"

I shook my head and messed with my hair. Ever since my conversation with Gretchen, I haven't been able to think well.

"You know... I learned Filipino for you... so I can understand you and your cousins," Malia spoke. "I'm confident that I'm good at it. I can finally understand the songs Margarita used to cry at."

She stood from her seat and went in front of the floor-to-ceiling glass window. I turned to her and saw her silently staring at the view with her lips pursed. She looked like she's about to cry.

And just like what I always do, I went to her side and placed an arm around her shoulders, then pulling her closer to me. She tried to cover her sobs but failed, then burying her face on my neck while still trembling.

"I tried, Malia," I said in almost a whisper, then tightening my embrace. "I'm sorry."

It hurts seeing Malia cry. I may not have any romantic feelings for her but she's still special to me. We were each other's stronghold during our toughest times. It feels awful seeing her like this with the knowledge that this could've been prevented.

"Nah, you can't force the heart to choose," she said, her face still on my shoulders. "If it was that easy, then no one would be heartbroken."

"Ako ang kayakap pero isip mo siya..." Malia whispered in a singsong voice. We both chuckled because of it. I'm pretty sure that this is the song she was referring to earlier. "Ako ang kasama pero hanap mo siya..."

She heaved a deep sigh, then removing her arms around me. She swiftly wiped her face before bringing both hands to my face, then caressing my cheeks. "Mahirap labanan ang tinadhana..."

She tiptoed and kissed the tip of my nose. "I'm happy for you, Martell... I really am... you can finally smile without forcing yourself."

I couldn't help but smile at her words. "It's that obvious?"

Malia smirked. "I know there's a part of you that's still bitter and all... but that's expected... but I'm telling you, it'll get you nowhere..."

I didn't answer and scratched my head instead while bringing my eyes to the side. She's surely giving me that reprimanding look that I always get from Gretchen and Margarita.

"Now go!" Her sudden raising of voice made me flinch. "Go to her, Martell! Go! Go! Go!"

I raised my hand and walked away. I know she's serious but I was reminded of something because of her words. "Have you seen that meme—"

"Go!" She repeated in a much more serious voice. "She's in Maldives, by the way!" Pahabol niya pa.

I know.

I went straight to my condo to pack my things. I have been thinking about following her to Maldives but I wasn't really sure about what I'm supposed to do.

"Martell! Good, you're finally here." I looked at Mimosa, a bit startled in seeing all four of my siblings comfortably occupying my living room.

"I hate you, Kuya!" I flinched again when I felt a throw pillow hit my head. I glared at Margarita who was also glaring at me with the same intensity. "You know I'm mad at Gazella because she left me too! We were friends but she didn't even say goodbye!"

Tumayo ang kapatid at saka ako hinarap na nanlilisik ang mga mata. "When will you learn, huh? You may be secretive but I know you're hurting! You think it's easy for me—for us—to see you torturing yourself with your studies and work just so you can forget her?"

"Marga—" the other three said in unison but Margarita merely raised her hand yet they became silent. She may be the youngest but she's also the one most similar to mom which means we don't like seeing her angry.

"I'm mad at her, okay?" She repeated yet her eyes were already brimming with tears. "But because of what you did, I had to cover up for you! Yet just one hug, I'm suddenly not mad at her too!"

She took another pillow and was about to throw it again but Martinez was quick to pull it away from her. "Why did you have to use my name when giving her those damn cupcakes!"

"Okay, that's enough, Margarita," Mimosa finally spoke. Hindi nakaangal si Margarita kay Mimosa at hinayaan na sina Martinez at Martini na pakalmahin siya.

"You really sound like mom, Marga," I heard Martinez say. "Though I can't blame Martell... been there done that," he added in almost a whisper before turning to me. "You can't stop yourself especially if it's the person you love."

"But it's been years," I pointed out, then sitting on the couch opposite to theirs while trying to avoid Margarita's glares. "We never saw each other for years... I don't think that's possible..."

"Aww... look at you, so in-denial," ani Mimosa at saka ako tinabihan sabay palibot ng mga braso sa akin. "Of course, you can, Forrest. If you decide to love her, then you love her."

"My baby is now a grownup," dagdag niya pa at saka mas hinigpitan ang pagkakayakap sa akin.

"Don't baby me, Mimosa," sabi ko sa mahinang boses. Sabay na napangisi sina Martinez at Martini.

"Hey! Just because you're all mature and whatsoever, that doesn't mean you can call me that!" Pabalik niyang sagot at saka ako sinimangutan. "I'm your Ate! Ate Mimosa!"

"Don't be surprised," pagsali ni Martini sa usapan. "He tends to be this mature and whatsoever if it has something to do with his Axyne," aniya pa na may makabuluhang ngisi na naglalaro sa kaniyang mga labi.

"Shut up!" Iyon na lang ang nasabi ko bago tumungo sa kwarto para makapag-impake. Nakakapagtaka na hindi man lang nagtanong ang mga kapatid kung saan ang punta ko. Pero 'di bale na. Alam kong may ideya na sila at mabuti naman na hindi na sila nagtanong.

I had no plan in mind when I went to Maldives. I had no intention in making her cry but I guess, the bitter and envious brute in me took control over me.

Jarvis was right, trying to get even does make the situation worse. Seeing her cry was painful for me. I wanted to comfort her and just apologize for even saying anything. It was then when I realized that I still do care deeply about her.

I have to stop being bitter and trying to provoke her. This isn't the first time but this should be the last time that I let the bitterness in me hurt her.

Damn it, Martell! What happened to helping her?

I followed her to the forest, trying to reign over the fear and anxiety that's slowly creeping inside me. While I was hopelessly wandering around the forest to find her, I realized that it's unfair that I cannot stay mad at her for long. Whatever happens, I always end up looking for her. Literally and figuratively.

It's so unfair, Axyne... you're so unfair... You broke my heart and I suffered, and I am still suffering for not being able to mend it. But after just some interactions with you, I'm being drawn back to you again.

I paused on my tracks when I finally saw her. She looks like a fairy lost in the forest; like a literal fairy with her chiffon dress. Her eyes were close and though she just cried, I could see a hint of peacefulness in her. It was a sight to behold for a hopeless romantic like me who can only look at her from afar.

She probably got startled with my sudden appearance that when she recognized me, she enveloped me in a hug. She looked scared a while ago and it's crazy that I actually find it nice that she thought of hugging me when she saw me. It was as if her instincts told her to come find solace in my embrace.

Did she bewitch me? How come she can still make my knees weak? Shouldn't I be mad? Why are my insides rejoicing now that she's in my embrace?

I felt her stiffen. She probably just realized that she's hugging me. But instead of letting her go, I encircled my arms around her waist.

I brought my eyes to her. Her face is still buried on my chest and I can feel her slowly relaxing.

You're so unfair... why can't I hate you? Why can't I just live my life without you? What did you do to me?

Next thing I know, we were already talking and I felt the burden I've been keeping for years slowly dissolve. I literally felt my chest lighten. It was as if the knot has been finally untied and I can finally breathe.

Gretchen's words were confirmed when she offered to make it up to me. It seems to me that she wants to tell me something yet she couldn't bring herself to do it. At first, I thought Gretchen was only exaggerating when she said that Axyne is "scared" at me. Yet now, it seems like there's some truth in it.

"Marry me," I blurted out.

It was the first crazy idea that popped in my head. It was the only thing I could think of that will tie her by my side. And if that happens, I can help her with her "fear".

She has to stop hiding in every country she can think of. She has to face me. She has to stop feeling guilty because I can no longer bear it every time she cries.

The fact that she still can't tell me whatever she's hiding means that she's still scared. Just like me, she's still trapped in the past. I know for a fact how miserable it feels to be stuck in the past.

She can't be scared forever. We can't be stuck and trapped in the past forever.

And after all these years of keeping the heartbreaks on our own, I think it's safe to say that it's something that we can solve together. It's not something we're supposed to keep from each other.

I have been bitter with her during our past interactions. I am actually to blame that she almost got lost in the forest yesterday. I have been trying to provoke her but that didn't work. My actions only made me feel worse.

So now, I want to make things right. I may not be able to change anything in the past but I can make the decision of no longer letting our past affect me. I can make the decision in just overlooking her sudden departure; of how much she hurt; of how she broke my heart. I have been holding on to such encumbrances but they got me nowhere.

"You married her?!" Gretchen said as she barged into my office.

I sighed. I already expected this. "What else will make her stop from running away?" It was actually a real question and I was hoping for some answers yet Gretchen, after a few moments of thinking, nodded.

"You have a point," she agreed, then sitting on one of the visitors' chairs. "She won't stay nor talk to you. You see, she already left since her project with Milena is done... but damn! You really chose that path, huh?"

My eyes remained at Gretchen, trying to study her. I'm not sure if she's okay with my decision or what. It seems to me that she's still thinking and she's still trying to fathom the idea of her sister and I being married.

"I think you two are a perfect match," she said matter-of-factly. "Your minds work differently."

I scratched my head and leaned on the backrest of my seat. "I just thought that if we're together, then she can finally get over this 'fear' you said she has for me," I explained. "If we're married, she can't runaway. She'll have to face me."

Gretchen's mouth parted. It was as if she didn't expect such explanation from me.

"It's unbearable to see her getting all panicky when I'm around with guilt and fear in her eyes... she won't get over whatever that is if she keeps on running away," I continued.

"So you took things into your hands?"

"I just want her to make peace with whatever it is that's making her all-jumpy when I'm around."

Gretchen eyed me, her brow arching a bit. "Why did you never find her before?"

"Because she doesn't want to be seen... she doesn't want to be found..." I trailed off. "And my pride overpowered me," I admitted, my chest tightening because of the guilt.

"So you're doing this so she can get over with her pain and heartbreaks? And not because you want to be with her?" Gretchen asked again. I'm not sure if the purpose of her questions is for her sister's sake or she's simply just asking the questions she's been wanting to ask me.

"I want to be with her. That's not a question anymore," I admitted. "But that's not the only reason why we're married."

"Damn..."

"Yeah, yeah... I know... I have a weird mind," sabi ko at inunahan na ang kaibigan. Hindi ko alam kung naniwala ba siya sa mga sinabi ko pero 'di bale na. Alam ko naman na totoo ang mga sinabi ko.

The corner of her lips rose. It was as if she's just preventing herself from smiling. "I'm really hoping this will work, Martell," she said with utmost sincerity. "I'm happy for the both of you."

I smiled back. It's not all the time that we get to have conversations as serious as this. I may not be able to bring myself to admit this to her but I'm actually glad that she approves. She's not just my best friend. She's also Axyne's sister which makes her opinion mean a lot.

The news of my marriage was quick to spread in our circle. It didn't miss the ears of my prying cousins. Though it's not like I'm planning to keep this as a "secret-secret".

And if Gretchen and my cousins are all supportive, my own mother feels the otherwise. I'm not sure what made her dislike Axyne so much. But come to think of it, she never actually liked anyone for any of my siblings and I. She also discouraged Mimosa and Martinez when they got serious in their relationships as well.

"It's just a mistake, Martell," Mom said desperately. "You don't love her! You just want revenge! You don't need her by your side! You just love the idea of being with her!"

Truth be told, I was taken aback with what she said. But then, I also know myself. There are really just things that my mother can't quite understand.

"No, Mom," mabilis kong pagtanggi. "I've always been sure about her; even when she left; even when she broke my heart. It will always be her, Mom."

I shut my eyes for a moment, trying to calm myself. At the end of the day, she's still my mom and I can't just allow myself to disrespect her.

"It's been seven long years," I continued, my voice almost shaking. "It's a damn long time, Mom. I could've moved on, it would've been easy to do so given that she's somewhere far... but I didn't because I didn't want to do so."

I swallowed hard and took a deep breath. If I won't say my take now, my mother will never put this topic to rest. "What I have for her never depended on my feelings, Mom. It never depended on anything but my will. It's my choice to love her, Mom, conscious and deliberate choice."

She looked like she wanted to say something but no words came out so I took it as a cue to continue.

"And this is me choosing her, because it's either a life with her or a life alone."

Everything's better with her. The heartache is bearable with her. My days are brighter with her. I don't mind the pain as long as I have her by my side. It seems foolish but as long as we have a chance to make our relationship work, I won't give her up.

I'll only stop when she tells me to stop. I'm a fighter. I don't quit. If I got to build my own empire and a name for myself, then why would I quit on her when she's more valuable than all my achievements combined?

Why would I give up on her when I know that this, too, is a fight that we can win together?

We can't rely this to other people. We were brought together and made to see each other even in unplanned times. So why would I give up when the time that I really wanted to stop; when I thought that seven years is enough already, we saw each other again?

Why is it that when I just want to let go, the idea of holding on still feels right. Maybe I am a fool. A martyr, perhaps. But what will I do with all that I have if I'm still longing for her?

"Is it because she's pretty? And talented?" Mom asked, glowering at me suspiciously.

"No, Mom! She's more than that—"

"You should pray about this, Martell!" She cut me off in a sharp voice. "You'll regret about this decision for the rest of your life."

I sighed and massaged my temples for a moment. It's getting harder to restrain myself especially now that my own mother is being ridiculous.

"I did, Mom," I said in the calmest way possible. "Heaven knows how much I prayed and asked guidance for this. I've been praying for this for seven years and counting, Mom."

"Why do you think that after I surrendered this matter, I still want to be with her? Why would fate let us cross paths again?"

Mom rolled her eyes impatiently. "So she can tell you the truth on why she left? So you can have your peace of mind back?"

Literal na nanghihina ako dahil sa mga pinagsasabi ng ina. Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit gusto niya talagang igiit ang gusto niyang paniwalaan. Patuloy siyang nagbigay ng mga suhestiyon at patuloy akong nileksiyonan. Hindi ko na rin alam kung saan pa ako kumukuha ng lakas para makinig sa kaniya.

"I tried cutting her off my life but where do you think it led me? It turned me into this person I don't even know. I became bitter, envious, rude, and disrespectful. I'm ashamed of it, Mom. But do you know why I can say these to you? It's because I have the guts to admit it. I had the courage to apologize when it felt like the most shameful thing to do."

I took a deep breath again. This conversation is literally draining the strength out of me. "Guilt is creeping inside me at times but I'm trying to correct my mistakes and make it up to her. It may not be obvious but I know that she's trying as well. And if we'd be patient enough, this will work out."

"I know that Axyne and I can get through this so I hope you'll be patient with this too," I continued, then picking up my coat from the backrest of my chair, ready to leave.

Despite the stinging sensation in my chest, I still took the effort in kissing my mother's cheeks. "I hope you give her a chance, Mom. If you want me to be happy, then give her a chance."

I don't know what happened but my siblings found out about my conversation with our mother. It didn't turn out well and it was another day that my office heard all the banters and laments of my mother and, this time, with Mimosa.

"Mom, why are you so bitter? Heartbroken ka ba? Okay naman kayo ni Dad, ah!"

I know that it's a really serious conversation but I couldn't help to find Mimosa's words funny and it seems to me that I wasn't the only one who did. Margarita, Martini, and Martinez were all looking amused too.

"Your dad and I were made for each other—"

"And so am I for my husband, and Martinez for his wife, and Martell for Gazella!" Mimosa answered in a controlled yet sharp voice. "Why do you keep on hindering us?"

This feud with Mom is not new. This also happened when Mimosa got engaged and when Martinez introduced his fiancee to us. Though this is probably worse than the first two. I guess the fact that Axyne and I are already married made Mom more intense.

"Are you worried about something that Mom said?" Martinez asked while reaching for his glass of rum. "You have the same look that Mimosa had when she and her then-fiance fought and Mom discouraged her with their engagement."

I sighed, then telling them about what I've been thinking. I guess some of Mom words did get into me.

"You can be mad and still love that person, Forrest," Mimosa started. "Just because you're in love doesn't mean you're numb to pain."

"There'll be times that we'd do something or say something that will hurt our partner because of our emotions and that's irreversible, I know," Martinez added. "But then, you can do something about it—apologize and correct that behavior, and never ever repeat that same mistake—but I think you're already doing it to your Axyne," he said with a smirk.

Mimosa went to my side and placed an arm around my shoulder, then letting me lean on her side. "You learn together, Forrest—from your mistakes and experiences—you learn as a team."

Looking back, I feel like the reason why I held onto those heartbreaks secretly was because I was hoping. Deep down, I was hoping that all of it were just part of a nightmare. I was hoping that things would still result into something better.

Keeping those to myself made me feel that it's not over yet. And if it's not over yet, then there's still a chance. It's pathetic that I held onto my heartbreaks but I don't know... I didn't want us to end. Keeping those would mean that no one knows. And if no one knows about my heartbreaks, then it won't be hard for me to find comfort in the thought that "it's still not over yet".

I'm glad that I hoped. I felt pathetic but it was all worth it—to be here with Axyne; to wake up with her smile the first thing I see, and to sleep at night with her lips on mine's the last thing I feel.

The past few days haven't been easy. I don't know what's wrong but Axyne seems a bit off. She won't tell me what's wrong and I don't want to force her. I'm just worried because there are times that I hear her sob when she's asleep.

"I'm sorry... I just feel bad that I can't give you the family you want," she apologized with her head hung low. After a lot of contemplations I decided to ask her.

I heaved a deep sigh and placed the sweater I was knitting. And yes, I learned how to knit just for her and now it became one of our hobbies.

"What exactly are you apologizing for? You're my family, Axyne. Unless..." I trailed off. Just the thought of it makes my chest tighten already. "You can't leave me, Axyne—"

"It's not that! There's no assurance that I can bear a child! I don't want to disappoint you—"

"Whether we have a child or not, you're still my family," giit ko. We've talked about this before but I always made sure that my words won't pressure her. "The only time you'd disappoint me and deprive me of the family I always longed for would be the time you'd choose to leave."

She covered her mouth with her hands, trying to suppress her sobs but failed. She even tried to run to our room but I was quick to hold her hand, then encircling my arms around her waist to prevent her from running.

"You're enough for me, Axyne," I assured. She's more than enough for me. Yes, I do want us to have children but not having such won't make me stop from choosing to be with her.

"But you want a baby! I know you do!"

I sighed, then sitting on the couch and pulling her down to my lap. "You're already my baby, Axyne..."

She became silent for a few moments. I thought she was asleep since her eyes were closed. I was about to carry her to our room when she spoke. "I just don't want you to regret anything, Martell."

I held her waist and made her face me. Her eyes were red from all the crying and tears were still cascading down her cheeks. "I'm already living the life I always wanted to live. There's no space for regret, Axyne."

She didn't answer and only pursed her lips. I couldn't help but smile when she had that look she always give me when she wants me to baby her.

"Waking up next to you, seeing you everyday, coming home to you — that's my dream, Axyne," I continued. "So, tell me, what will I regret if my dream is right here in front of me?"

I hooked a finger to her chin when she still refused to look at me. She gave me a small smile before hugging me tight. We remained in that position before she stood up and ran to our room. Before I could even follow her, she was already back with a box in her hand.

"I've been sewing these for you," she said, then placing the box on my lap as she sat beside me while subtly wiping her face. "They're dress shirts and they're of better quality than the ones you can buy in stores. Plus, I've been using yours since they're really comfortable so I thought I'd replace them."

She scratched her head with a small, shy smile. Before I could even thank her, she already prompted me to open the box and even let me try all the clothes on.

"Is this your love language? Giving handmade stuff?" I asked, then turning to her while leaning on the backrest of the couch.

"Hmm... kind of," she added sheepishly. "I mean, there's nothing that I can offer much. I can say those three words but it feels awkward — I'm not used to it... can you imagine me saying those to my dad and step mom?" Aniya at natawa pa sa sarili.

"How about your friends?" I asked again. I also noticed that she rarely says those three words but I don't really mind. I know that she loves me and she doesn't have to say it especially if it makes her uncomfortable. It's not her fault that she's not used to it.

"They're not vocal too," she answered with a longing smile. "We prefer giving handmade gifts... they have everything they need and all I can offer are efforts and my loyalty... my shoulder when they something to cry on, my hands to caress their hair when they need comfort... my confidence when they have a secret. And well... those are the ones I can offer you too."

She tilted her head and smiled again, then moving closer to me. "I can offer you material things but you can afford them so I'm offering you my loyalty, my efforts, my energy, my time, my smile, my hug, my kiss, and my love..."

She bit her lips and glanced at the side for a moment before turning back to me, the corner of her eyes brimming with tears again.

"I can offer a massage when you come home tired from work... I can offer you my hand when you need something to hold on to... I can offer you my embrace when you need warmth... I can offer you myself to be your home and comfort."

I brought my hands to wipe her tears but she held my hand and did it herself. "I'm not sure if I can ever give you a-a family... a child... but I am here. I can offer you all that I have and all that I am, Martell."

Fuck! Since when did I become this emotional? Her words were so simple yet its effect on me were so profound. How can she make a moment so simple seem so special? How can she make words so simple, so meaningful?

The corner of her eyes were brimming with another set of tears. I can feel my eyes getting wet and I know it's because of what she just said.

Materials things can easily be given; they can be bought. But this... this is why I've always been amazed with her.

I lowered my head and leaned my forehead against hers. "And they're more than enough for me, Axyne... you're both my family and my baby..."

She sniffed and wiped her cheeks, then burying her face on my neck. "See? Babies cry like this too! You just have to suck your thumb and you can then pass as a baby!" I said teasingly, earning a half groan and half chuckle from her.

She glared playfully at me before planting a soft kiss on my cheek, then leaning her head against my chest.

The following days went by smoothly although her "mood swings" were still present. One time she's crying because she's hungry and next thing I know, she's already laughing at the K-Drama she's watching.

At first, I thought it was because of the baby issue that's making her get these sudden burst of sadness. But then, it turns out that her sudden mood swings were actually caused by that baby issue but not exactly like the one I thought.

"Martell!" Axyne barged into my office and let out a high-pitched shriek, making me literally jump out of panic. She ran to me and encircled her arms around my neck while jumping.

She opened her mouth as if she wanted to say something but she noticed the thing I was holding—it was the mittens I secretly pocketed when we were at her "secret room".

"I knew you took it but I didn't know that—" she paused and bit her lips. Her enthusiasm was now replaced with its opposite. She looked like she's on the verge of tears. "—I didn't know you're bringing it everywhere."

Napakagat ako ng labi, hindi mapigilang mahiya dahil iyon nga ang ginagawa ko.

Dinala ko ang tingin sa mga kamay, hindi makatingin sa kaniya dahil sa hiya. "I just... I don't know..." pag-amin ko sa mababang boses, hindi alam kung paano sasabihin ang mga nararamdaman.

I want to tell her that I'm longing for our child whom the both of us didn't get the chance to meet. I want to tell her that my heart is grieving and the mitten I took gives me some comfort. As crazy as it seems but it feels like our angel is watching over me... over us.

"I'm just wondering how it would feel to hold a hand that can fit in this little fabric," I said with a small smile. I don't have to go into details because I know she understands. I know that my Axyne understands me even with those words only.

"Well... I can't give you an answer right now," aniya kaya napatingin ako sa kaniya. "But around nine months from now, you'll know how it feels to hold a hand that can fit in that little fabric."

Axyne was biting her lips as she fished something out from her bag. The small rectangular box piqued my curiosity and even though I have no idea what's inside it, it made my heart pound.

I have an idea on what she might be talking about but I don't want to assume. I need some confirmation before I allow myself to get into this unexplainable feeling.

"Open it," she prompted as another set of tears were forming at the corners of her eyes. I was about to wipe it yet she held my hand and gestured to the box.

My heartbeat raced even more as I saw what's inside it. I brought my eyes back to her and though tears were already cascading down her cheeks, she still managed to smile.

"We're having a baby, Martell," she uttered in almost a whisper, just enough for me to hear and it was definitely enough to break the little composure I had left.

I stared at the box again before putting it down to embrace Axyne. My tears blurred my vision but I was too damn happy to care. This time, it was the both of us that jumped around my office. We probably look crazy but we're too engrossed with the news to even mind.

I didn't waste any time in calling my siblings and my cousins. Kung pwede lang na lahat ng kakilala ko ay tawagan ay gagawin ko iyon dahil sa tuwa. Iyon din ang ginawa ni Axyne at ang kapatid at ang mga kaibigan naman ang tinawagan.

We were supposed to have dinner outside but she insisted to eat in my condo instead. She said that she prefers my cooking and of course, I obliged. All that really matters to me is that we eat together.

Our happy bubble didn't seem like it's gonna wear out. Axyne's mood swings didn't subside and her constant cravings and morning sickness didn't make things easier.

I wanted to take care of her so even though she insisted that she can do well on her own, I still took a leave from work. I don't think I can concentrate with my work if my mind is worried and occupied with her.

"Hey! Let's prank call your cousins," Axyne said enthusiastically, her eyes drifting to my phone. She clapped her hands with an eager look on her face.

If there's something that became her entertainment while staying at home, that would be pranking. She's been enjoying doing such and it seems to me that her friends doesn't seem to mind. But now, it's my cousins that she's eyeing.

I sighed defeatedly and handed her my phone. I shook my head when her eyes brightened when she got my phone. After a few clicks, she brought my phone to her ears.

"Hello? Iouis? Is Martell with you? I've been waiting for him since yesterday but I can't reach him because he left his phone," Axyne started with her fake dramatic voice. I couldn't help but chuckle with what she's doing. She even fake-sniffed just to add more effect.

Their call was on speaker mode so I heard Iouis' set of loud and clear curses. I had to cover my mouth to refrain myself from laughing. He didn't answer Axyne but he messaged me on another messaging app.

Iouis:

Where the fuck are you???

Since my phone is with her, she saw the notification of Iouis' message. Sabay kaming napatabon ng bibig, pinipigilang matawa. Iouis sent me another set of messages with a lot of curses in it but I didn't reply.

"I don't want to lie 'cause I think my conscience will haunt me plus you and your friends are all so honest and I feel like it's starting to rub off on me," Iouis finally spoke in his unusual panicky voice. "He's not with me, I'm sorry..."

"But hey! I'm sure he has a reason for not telling you—"

"It's fine, Iouis," Axyne said with a fake sigh.

"—I may not know where he is but I'm sure he loves you and he won't cheat on you or do anything to break your heart," ani pa ni Iouis.

"Damn I cringed when I said that but it's true! Please don't go assuming and leave him again, I don't want to see him at his worst— damn! Why am I begging? This isn't even my love life!" Iouis seems to be talking to himself already but eventually continued with his answer.

"It's fine, Iouis!" Ani Axyne at mukhang naaawa na sa isa. "I know where he is, he's with me." She finally let out her laugh she's been stifling, making Iouis curse again. He sent me another bunch of harsher messages and even sent me a pic of his middle finger which amused Axyne even more.

Napailing na lang ako sabay tago ng phone naming dalawa. Baka kung sino-sino pa ang tawagan niya at baka mag-panic pa ang mga iyon.

Axyne obviously got bored without her phone so she went to her dressing room instead while her hand was clamped on my wrist. "I saw something in the pocket of the teddy bear you gave me."

Her words literally made me stop on my tracks. I can't believe that she only found it. But then, it's not like I fully intended to let her find it. I guess, a part of me still cringes about what I did.

We both sat at the circular couch in the middle of her dressing room while she handed me two pieces of paper. It may have been years since I wrote the two but I can still clearly remember what I wrote. I can still remember how lovesick I felt that time.

"Can you read it for me?"

I let out a sigh of relief. If she's asking me to read it for her, then she probably haven't read it herself.

I took the papers from her and pocketed them. I don't want her to cringe with what I wrote. Those two are now part of our past and I honestly don't want to go back.

I shook my head which made her frown. She gave me her "puppy eyes" look but I immediately looked away. She knows that it'll work on me so before I give in, I chose not to look at her instead.

"Nope!" I said while shaking my head.

Axyne didn't answer so I brought my eyes to her. She was looking intently at me before nodding her head with a sigh. After a few more moments of just staring at me, she smiled and nodded again. She held my hand and we both went out. She didn't press further about that topic.

We continued with our day and even though we didn't fight or anything, I'm still a bit bothered about what happened earlier. I know that she wants to know the contents of the two papers but she never once mentioned it again. Or maybe it's not about her... maybe, a part of me wants her to know how much of a lovesick fool I was for her since then.

"Axyne," I called. She turned to me with a smile before fixing our blankets. She scooted over and rested her head on my arms.

I took the two papers from my pocket and showed it to her. I cleared my throat and started reading the letter I wrote for her. I don't know why I wrote such. I just really thought back then that it'll be sweet to do so.

"... you make me sing out of love, dance out of joy, paint my emotions out... you tapped into my inner frustrated poet and you made my life a theatre-like play... you're a really enthralling subject that I became photographer for you. I took a knitting class so I can knit with you... in short, you made me appreciate the art of life even more..."

I folded the first paper and placed it back in my pocket. Axyne's eyes were fixated at me the whole time but every now and then, I would see her bite her lips and bury her face on her pillow.

I unfolded the other paper and cleared my throat. This is probably the most cliche poem that ever existed but if it means that Axyne will smile because of this, then why not?

"Go on, Martell!" She prompted excitedly. Her eyes twinkling with delight.

I smiled at her before bringing my eyes back to the paper and started. "When I think of love, I think of you..."

I had to pause when I heard her sniff. She tried to hide her tears but failed. I, too, felt my chest tighten but it wasn't the suffocating one.

Seven years ago, when I wrote this, I had no idea what lay ahead of us. I was secretly hoping that our budding romance back then would be something that'll last. It was my earnest wish that I couldn't admit even to myself.

She's the most beautiful art I've ever seen. She's an angel in my eyes and she painted my life with colors I never knew existed. She's my secret heartbreaker and my favorite artwork that ever existed.

When I think of love, I think of her; I think of my secret heartbreaker.

From the exposition to the resolution, it'll always be her.

When I think of love, I think of Gazella Axyne.