"Cheers to team Gazell!" Pasigaw na sabi ni Margarita sabay taas ng kaniyang baso na ikinahiyaw ng lahat. "Hindi lumubog ang ship ko!"

"Hindi lumubog ang ship ko!" Sabay-sabay na sagot nina Chloe, Oceanne, Martini, Gabriello, Milena, at ng iba pang mga pinsan ni Martell na natatandaan ko pa na noong nasa spa kami ni Chloe ay parang nang-e-espiya sila sa amin.

Napangiti ako nang matandaan ang memoryang iyon. Parang kahapon lang iyon at hindi ako makapaniwala na ganito kabilis ang daloy ng buhay. Isang araw ay umiiyak ako, pagkatapos naman ay sa isang iglap ay parang unti-unti kong napagtanto na hindi na ganoon kalala ang sitwasyon ko.

"It's nice to finally see your genuine smile again." Napatingin ako sa gilid nang makitang pumuwesto si London sa aking tabi habang patuloy na tumatagay ang iba naming mga kasamahan.

Kasalukuyan kaming nasa France at nagse-celebrate ng engagement daw namin ni Martell. Alam kong masaya sila para sa amin pero malakas din ang kutob ko na gusto lang talaga nila mag-inuman. Pero in fairness sa kanila, hindi na naman sila nagpatalo sa pagbigay ng mga regalo.

"Yeah, the moment when I realize that I'm smiling at my own will feels nice," pagsang-ayon ko sa kaibigan at saka sumandal sa kaniyang balikat.

May binulong si London ngunit hindi ko iyon nakuha dahil parang ayaw niya namang marinig ko iyon. Bago pa ako makapagtanong ay nagsalita ulit siya.

"You're glad that you didn't give up," she said in a tone that says she's sure of her statement. "I can see the relief that you chose to continue."

Hindi ko napigilang mapatango. She's right. I am relieved that I'm still here. I'm proud of myself that even after all those heartbreaks and sleepless nights; all those times I tried to mend my broken heart; the times when I kept all the pain secretly, they all brought me here. All of those were steps that eventually lead me here and I'm relieved that I am here.

I used to fantasize about that day when all is well again and I'm no longer chained to my past and now, that day I've been longing and secretly wishing for is my reality now. I am here in the day that I used to just fantasize about. I am now living the life I used to imagine about.

"I really am," buong-puso kong pagsang-ayon. Gusto ko pang dugtungan ang mga sinabi pero hindi sapat ang mga salita para maipaliwanag ang nararamdaman ko ngayon. "I really am, London. Because if I gave up, then I won't be here... I wouldn't be able to receive this second chance given to me... to us..."

Umalis ako sa pagkakahilig sa kaniyang balikat at pinagmasdan siya. Malayo ang kaniyang tingin at parang natutulala pa.

"I'm happy for you," she said, then facing me with a smile yet her eyes looked like she's about to cry. "I'm sure Mama is happy for you as well. I think she'll be at peace now that you're happy."

At the mention of Mama, my eyes started to water. It would be better if Mama Celestina and Gemini are here to celebrate with us. It's such a shame that the two people who were with me at my darkest won't be able to see me finally free from the obscured chapter of my life.

"She won't be unless you can smile the way Galaxy does." Sabay kaming napatingin ni London sa likuran nang makita si Caramel. Kinindatan niya kami bago dali-daling umupo sa kabilang gilid ni London.

Hindi nagtagal ay nakisali rin sina Sugar at Vanilla sa amin. Ayaw malayo ng dalawa at gusto talaga na malapit sila sa aming tatlo kaya kumandong pa talaga sa amin.

"No, but really, London—"

"Nah," London cut Vanilla off, an amused smile playing on her lips, probably because of Vanilla's drunk-British accent that she gets after a few drinks. "She didn't witness me suffer but she did with Galaxy," London said with a shrug, then reaching for a bottle of beer from the table in front of us. Mukhang ayaw niyang pag-usapan ang topiko at tumayo na para makaalis.

"Galaxy," tawag ni London bago pa siya makaisang hakbang. "Sana all."

Napangisi ako, nagdadalawang-isip pa kung tutuksuhin ko ba ang kaibigan. Ngunit bago pa ako makapag-react ay nakita ko mula sa gilid ng aking mga mata ang makabuluhan at nanunuksong ngisi ni Vanilla bago siya sumigaw.

"Martell! Gabriello! Martini!" Aniya sa mataas na boses kaya napatingin ang mga kasamahan namin sa amin at pati ang mga nasa kabilang mga booth. Kahit nakakabingi na ang music dito sa bar ay nalampasan pa rin ito ng boses ni Vanilla.

"Pahingi raw si London ng number ni—"

Before she could even finish, London launched herself at Vanilla. "Shut up, Peppa Pig!"

Imbes na awatin ang mga kaibigan ay inuna pa namin nina Sugar at Caramel ang pagtawa. Hindi na rin naman sila namin kailangan pang tulungan dahil hindi naman sila nagrambolan.

"Gaganti ako! Tandaan mo 'yan," ani London at pinanlilisikan ng mga mata si Vanilla na may nakakalokong ngiti. "You and your mouth—"

"Chill," ani Vanilla at itinaas ang dalawang kamay. "Sure ka bang pareho tayo ng tinutukoy?" Aniya pa at tinaasan ng kilay si London, ang kaniyang fake-British accent ay mas lumala na. "Naku! You ha! Napaghahalataan ka na."

So far, that was one highlight of the night. At first, we spent some time dancing but we went back to our booth and just chatted. Hindi naman kasi kami magtatagal dito sa Europa at pumunta lang talaga kami rito dahil nandito rin ang mga kaibigan at gusto kong kuwentuhan sila ng personalan.

"Hey, we'll go dancing again," pagpapaalam ko kay Martell at saka siya hinalikan bago sumama sa mga kaibigan patungong dance floor.

Nasa gitna kami ng pagsasayawan nang may maramdaman akong presensya sa aking likuran. Tinaasan ko ng kilay ang mga kaibigan dahil sigurado akong kita nila ang taong nasa likuran ko. Nginisihan nila ako sabay iling-iling.

"Maxton?" Gulat kong sambit nang makita ang katrabaho. He smiled at me and ran a hand through his hair before moving closer to me.

"Haven't seen you in a while," he said, his smile still not faltering. "I must say, I did miss you."

Hilaw akong napangiti at saka lumayo nang kaunti sa kaniya. Ayaw kong isipin niyang ayaw ko sa kaniya ngunit hindi ako kumportable na ganito kami kalapit sa isa't isa.

Kahit pa alam kong hindi naman makitid ang utak ni Martell, ayaw ko pa rin ang sitwasyong kinaroroonan ko ngayon. I guess being this close with someone else feels like betrayal to Martell even though it's not. It just doesn't sit right with me.

Before I could even speak, the booming music stopped which made the people in the dance floor groan. Nilibot ko ang mga tingin at natigil ang paglilinga-linga ko nang magtama ang mga mata namin ni Martell. Pinanliitan niya ako ng mga mata at may kung ano pang ngiti na naglalaro sa kaniyang mga labi ngunit hindi ko mabasa ang kaniyang expresyon.

Sandali akong nakipag-usap kay Maxton bago inaya ang mga kaibigan na bumalik sa aming booth. Hindi nagtagal ay nagkayayaan kami na maglaro. Parang trivia game iyon at tuwing mali ang maisasagot ay mayroong parusa na uminom ng isang shot at saka pwedeng magtanong o mag-dare ang kahit sino sa grupo.

Ang pinaka-competitive sa lahat ay si London. Halatang ayaw magkamali dahil takot na tanungin ng kung ano-ano. Sigurado akong hindi palalampasin ng mga kasamahan ang opurtunidad na 'to.

"Drink your shot!" Ani Margarita kay Martell. Ito ang unang beses na nagkamali siya ng sagot. "Dare is to kiss your fiancee."

Martell took his shot, then facing me with a smirk. "Nah, I have a wife. I'll kiss her instead," he said, then kissing me unceremoniously.

Hindi pa nakaisang segundo ang pagdapo ng kaniyang labi sa akin ay may kung anong pumutok na. Napatingin ako sa mga kasamahan at nakita ang isang bote ng champagne. May pinasuot din na sash at korona ang mga kaibigan sa amin ni Martell.

The night passed by like a blur. We spent a few more days in Europe and just toured around before we went back to the States. Martell actually wanted us to spend a month or so in Europe but I'm in a hurry to go back to States. There's somewhere we have to visit and as much as I want to travel with him, I really think this one's more important.

"Where are we going, Axyne?" Hindi ko na mabilang kung ilang beses nang nagtanong si Martell. Mula pagkarating namin mula Europe ay tanong siya nang tanong. Kahit pa pilit niyang tinatago ang totoong nararamdaman ay nakikitaan ko ng pagkasabik ang kaniyang mukha.

Like how I responded to that same question, I just glanced at him and smiled. I'm not sure how he'll react when we arrive at our destination but I'm hoping that it'll be a good one. After coming here years ago, I never went back. Just the thought of visiting this place makes my heart ache already.

"Isn't this where we had Gemini's photoshoot?" Ani Martell at saka dinala ang tingin sa bintana ng sasakyan. Nakita ko mula sa kaniyang repleksiyon na nalilito siya kung ba't kami nandito.

Magkahawak-kamay kaming tumungo sa kagubatan. Hindi rin naman kalayuan ang pwestong iyon at tandang-tanda ko pa iyon kahit pa hindi na ako nakabisita rito.

"We're here," anunsyo ko sa mababang boses at sandaling sumulyap sa ibaba bago binalingan si Martell. Sandaling tumaas ang kaniyang kilay pero agad din namang umawang ang kaniyang labi habang ang tingin ay nasa ibaba.

"Maxyne Zellorrest," I said, biting my lips while pulling Martell to sit in front of the slab of wood that serves as the headstone. "Named after us."

Sandali siyang sumulyap sa akin bago umiwas ng tingin. Napalunok ako nang makita ang seryoso niyang mukha at ang buong atensyon niya ay nasa kaharap na piraso ng kahoy.

"I assumed it was a girl," dagdag ko at natawa pa habang napailing na lang sa sarili. "I wonder what the girl version of you looks like... she probably would've looked like Margarita..." I trailed off.

Napapikit ako nang maramdamang may namumuong mga luha sa gilid ng aking mga mata. Kinalas ko ang pagkakahawak ng kamay ni Martell sa akin para matabunan ang mga bibig. Alam kong mahirap pigilan na mapasinghot lalo na kapag pilit na tinatago ang iyak at mga luha.

Napayuko ako at nang natabunan ng buhok ko ang aking mukha ay mabilis kong pinahiran ang mga luha at saka bumaling kay Martell. Seryoso pa rin kaniyang tingin pero nang maramdaman ang pagtitig ko ay binalingan niya rin ako.

Namumula nang kaunti ang kaniyang mga mata at namamasa rin iyon. Napakagat-labi ulit ako at parang mas pinipiga ang puso ko ngayong nakikita ko siyang ganito.

"I'm sorry," he said in almost a whisper, then swallowing hard.

"For what?" Tanong ko, buong lakas na pinigilan na manginig ang boses.

"That you went through all of it alone," sagot naman niya at pilit pang ngumiti. Ako naman ay hindi na napigilan ang mga luha at tuluyan nang napaiyak.

This is the reason why I never visited this place after my friends and I buried my pregnancy remains. I didn't want to be reminded of how heartbreaking it was to bury a part of me. It's like I lost a piece of me when that happened. It's like a part of my sanity was buried with it.

I know myself so I know that I don't have the strength to visit this place. A part of me was hoping that if I'd ever visit this place, I'd be with Martell. Alam kong hindi ko kakayanin kung mag-isa lang ako. Mas pipiliin ko pa yatang maligaw na lang sa kagubatan na 'to kaysa tulalang titigan ang piraso ng kahoy na 'to na nagsisilbing paalala ng parte ng nakaraan ko na hindi ako sigurado kung gusto ko bang makalimutan o hindi.

"I know this is far from what you expected but I thought I'd bring you here even just once," I said, pretending to be oblivious to his words awhile ago. I don't need him to feel sorry for me. It'll just make both of us feel bad.

"We don't have to visit here again—" I paused when he shook his head, then turning to the side before wiping his face on his sleeves.

He turned to me again and I saw his mouth open as if he wanted to say something but he wiped his face on his sleeves again, then muttering curses to himself.

"Fuck! I'm sorry..."

Akmang tatayo siya habang hindi pa rin makatingin sa akin ngunit mabilis kong hinawakan ang kaniyang palapulsuhan at hinatak pabalik sa pagkakaupo.

I kneeled in front of him, not minding the slight twinge on my knee. He encircled his arms on my waist and buried his face on my chest while I pulled him closer. I rested my head on top of his' while my hands were caressing his hair and back.

"It's okay, Martell, it's me..." I trailed off with a sigh. Pilit kong pinapakalma ang sarili ngunit paano ko iyon magagawa kung nakikita kong nanghihina si Martell?

Napatingala ako, ang banayag na sinag ng araw ay tumama sa aking mukha. Hinayaan kong tumulo ang mga luha pero hindi ko iyon binigyan ng pansin. Naramdaman kong humigpit ang pagkakayakap ni Martell sa akin at ang mabilis niyang paghinga.

Kinalas ko ang kaniyang yakap at inilebel ang aming mga mukha, hindi na ininda ang pag-iisip na mukha rin siguro akong nanghihina.

Nginitian ko siya at ganoon din ang ginawa niya kahit pareho kaming naluluha. Pareho rin kami na hindi binigyan ng pansin ang mga namamasang mukha.

Nararamdaman ko na may gusto siyang sabihin pero imbes na magsalita ay nilagay niya ang magkabilang kamay sa aking mga pisngi at inilapit ang aking noo sa kaniyang mga labi. Ninamnam ko ang pagdampot ng kaniyang mga labi sa aking balat at napapikit pa. Hindi man niyon napatigil ang pagdalusdos ng aking mga luha pero gumaan naman ang loob ko.

The thought that he's here now is comforting. At least I know that whatever happens and whatever I'll go through, I have him by my side and I should no longer be worried of the prospect of being alone and lonely.

"You can share it to me, Martell," I said and looked at him in the eye. He looks like he's contemplating but he eventually nodded.

"I never thought it can hurt this much," he admitted while shaking his head. "It's one thing to think about it but it's another thing now that I'm here. I'm not sure whether I should grieve or not."

He paused for a moment and closed his eyes before continuing, "It hurts, Axyne. The thought of you going through all of it alone hurts. The thought of not knowing on how I should be feeling about this matter hurts."

"I never knew that someone whom I haven't even met — someone who doesn't even exist — can hurt and affect me this much."

"It's crazy because I care... I don't even know why, Axyne..." he trailed off weakly, then pressing his forehead on mine's. I placed a quick kiss on his lips before smiling.

"It's okay if you don't know the reason. Sometimes, you just have to accept that you feel such. Acknowledge it but don't think that you're crazy for not knowing why," I said while caressing his hair. "But maybe, deep down, you're longing for it. Your mind is suggesting all these endless possibilities so now it's making you feel crazy."

"I am, Axyne," mahina niyang sambit. "I am longing for it and I do have these what-ifs in my mind and I don't know how to stop these."

My breathing hitched because of his answer. "You... uh... want us to have a child?"

He smiled. "Of course, Axyne. But then, it's still up to you—"

"I want that, too," pag-amin ko rin at napakagat-labi pa sabay baling sa gilid. Biglang uminit ang pakiramdam ko at parang natuyo na ang mga luha ko.

"But..." nag-aalinlangan pa ako pero pinili kong magpatuloy. "We haven't done it and I think I'm scared to do it because of what it resulted to before," dagdag ko sa pinakamabilis na paraan.

"What?"

Mukhang hindi niya naintindihan ang sinabi ko kaya inulit ko iyon. Hindi ko alam pero nahihiya ako... hindi ko talaga alam... basta nahihiya ako...

He smiled at me and messed with my hair, then holding my hips before lifting me to sit in between his lap. He rested his chin on my shoulders before starting to shower my neck with kisses.

"I understand that you're still not ready to consummate our marriage," aniya sa mahinang boses at ang atensyon ay nasa paghahalik ng aking leeg. "No pressure, Axyne."

Napasinghap naman ako dahil sa kaniyang ginagawa. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang pagtutuonan ko ng pansin — ang kaniyang mga salita ba o ang ginagawa niya na nagpapahumerantado ng kalooban ko?

"This"—he encircled his arms on my waist while kissing my jaw—"is more than enough for me."

I bit my lips again, stifling a smile. Before I could even speak, he spoke again but this time, in a submissive tone. "Yeah, yeah, I do have a soft spot for you..."

Naglibot-libot kami ni Martell sa kagubatan at namitas ng mga bulaklak at saka iyon nilagay sa tabi ng piraso ng kahoy habang nag-uusap. Kahit pa ay normal na ang kaniyang tono ay nahihimigan ko pa rin ang pagkalungkot doon pero pinili kong huwag nang punahin iyon.

"Maxyne Zellorrest is a nice name," ani Martell at sandali akong sinulyapan bago ipinalibot ang braso sa aking balikat. Ipinalibot ko rin ang mga braso sa kaniyang baywang at saka sumandal sa kaniya.

Binalot kami ng katahimikan pero kahit ganoon ay mapayapa ang kalooban ko. Nang unti-unti nang gumabi ay saka kami umalis. We bought drive-through foods from KFC and just like the old times, I was feeding him while he was driving. He'd sometimes glance at me and smile before bringing his eyes back to the road while I was left smiling to myself. I feel like a teenager in love again.

"Axyne, you alright in there?" Tawag ni Martell sa nag-aalalang boses mula sa may pintuan. Napaigtad pa ako dahil sa gulat at dali-dali namang pumunta sa may pintuan para masagot siya.

"I'm still changing, I'll be out in a while," I answered, then taking a deep breathe before going back in front of the mirror.

Hindi ko siya masisisi kung ba't nag-aalala na siya. Kanina pa ako rito sa loob ng walk in closet at kanina pa rin ako papalit-palit ng suot.

I bit my lips while staring at my reflection. The teddy bodysuit was made of lace and thin straps. It has a plunging neckline that ended just above my belly button and is dark blue in color.

I heaved a deep breathe again before wearing my robe. I'm not really sure what I'm feeling right now. I know that I shouldn't be scared because unlike years ago, Martell and I are married now. But even so, there's a small voice that really wouldn't just calm down. It wants me to overthink and continue to be scared but that's not what I want.

Another thing that's bothering me is that... well... I'm not entirely sure on how I'm gonna initiate this. I tried remembering how it happened last time but I always end up just blushing while slapping my face back to reality.

"Ah, bahala na..." sabi ko sarili at tuluyan nang lumabas nang hindi nag-iisip. Mas magpa-panic lang ako kapag patuloy pa akong nag-isip.

"You're not wearing pajamas? You'll get cold—"

Before he could even finish, I sat on his lap while facing him, then shutting him with a kiss. I felt him still for a moment before he started returning my kisses while his hands were wandering all over me.

"I thought..." he trailed off, his mouth gaping open as I took his shirt off before standing in front of him. He opened his mouth but no words came out. He just stared at me with disbelief in his eyes. After a moment of silence, he shut his eyes and looked up with a smirk. He bit his lips as if trying to stifle it but failed.

I encircled my arms on his neck while he did the same to my waist. He looked up to me, his eyes twinkling innocently again. He bit his lips again which made me do the same as well. Hindi ako makaisip nang matino kapag ganito siyang umasta.

"Are you sure about this?" Paninigurado niya at tumango naman ako.

"I can't be scared forever, right? This is me trying, Martell," I answered with a smile, then untying my robe while bringing my face near his. For a moment, I heard his breathing hitch and saw him swallow hard.

I dropped my robe as he stood up. And before I could even do anything, his hands were already on my waist and pulling me closer to him.

"Oohh, you look glowing," pambati ni London at saka ako mahigpit na niyakap. Siya ang sumundo sa amin ni Martell dito sa airport at siya na rin ang nag-book ng tutuluyan namin dito sa Pransiya. Muli kaming bumisita rito dahil dito rin namin gustong ganapin ang kasal o 'di kaya'y sa karatig na bansa.

"Shut up," I said when she let go of the hug, then rolling my eyes at her before looking away. Biglang uminit ang mukha ko at hindi ako makaharap sa kaibigan.

Sumulyap ako sa kaniya at nakitang nakataas ang kaniyang kilay. Pinanliitan niya ako ng mga mata at mukhang nalilito pa pero agad din namang umawang ang kaniyang labi at mukhang may napagtanto siya bago siya umismid.

"I was gonna ask about your skincare but it looks like skincare's not the reason," she said with a pout, then turning to Martell who's now beside me.

Martell winked at her before smirking, then turning to me. He messed with my hair while placing a kiss on my forehead before turning back to London.

"Gosh..." sambit ni London at parang nandidiri pa habang umiiling-iling. Mukha siyang nagsisisi na nag-alok siyang sunduin kami.

Pagkatapos kaming ihatid ni Martell sa hotel ay saka kami namasyal ng kaibigan. Si Martell naman ay may mga kaibigan din dito at sila ang mga kasama niya. Nang maggabi lang kami ulit nagkita at sabay kaming naghapunan.

"Maurea will meet us tomorrow so we can choose our wedding rings," ani Martell at lalong hinigpitan ang pagkakayakap sa akin.

We were sitting in front of the floor-to-ceiling glass window that's overlooking the city. Though it's already late, night life here in France is active and alive.

Nakakandong ako kay Martell at niyayakap niya ako mula sa likuran habang ang mga kamay niya ay nakasalikop sa akin. Tahimik lang naming pinagmamasdan ang tanawin at paminsan-minsan ay hinahalikan niya ang aking balikat na ikinagugulat ko naman.

"I'm looking forward to it," I said with a smile while facing him, then resting my head on his chest while my arms are around his neck. "Though, why didn't we have a ring when we got wedded at Maldives? I'm not complaining, just really curious."

He looked down and smiled, then messing with my hair. "I just thought that if we're gonna have rings, it'll be when we're no longer chained to our past; when we're marrying without any baggages from it... "

"I thought if our rings have meaning... like symbolizing our bond but not with the marriage for convenience reason... I thought it'd be nice to have our rings be the symbol of our new beginning as well," he added.

Tumango ako at saka mas idiniin ang sarili sa kaniya. Kahit pa ay dikit na dikit na kami sa isa't isa ay parang nakukulangan pa rin ako.

"Bond and beginning," pag-uulit ko sabay tingala sa kaniya. "Bond and beginning with you... I love it, Martell."