I opened my eyes and an unfamiliar ceiling was the first thing I saw. Both my heart and body feel so heavy and my head is throbbing badly. I had a hard time in helping myself get up from the bed as the memories of what happened flooded back to my mind.

Martell and I were left in his office when his mom left. I couldn't look at him and I didn't know where to start. Ano pa ang masasabi ko kung nasabi na rin naman siguro ng ina niya ang nangyari?

"I'm sorry," I said, almost in a whisper. I can feel my energy slowly being drained while heart is thumping nervously. Nanghihina na ako at hindi na ako magugulat kung mahihimatay ako.

Naramdaman kong lumapit siya sa akin at napapikit ako, hinihintay na dumapo ang kaniyang palad sa aking pisngi. Hinintay ko ang sakit ngunit hindi iyon dumating.

Napaigtad ako nang nilagay niya ang isang dalira sa ilalim ng baba ko at saka ako pinaharap sa kaniya. Hindi na ganoon kaklaro ang paningin ko sapagkat puno na ng pilit na tinatagong mga luha ang aking mga mata.

"Y-you... uh... you can shout or... uhm slap me," sabi ko sa nanginginig at nanghihinang boses at pinilit ang sarili na ngumiti.

"Why would I do that?" He asked. He sounds hurt and weak but I don't know. I might just be hearing tones so I'd feel hurt less.

Because that's what your mother and my father did.

I can sometimes still feel the sting on my face from the time my father laid a hand on me. I can still feel the pain and hear the sound as his hand made contact with my face. It wasn't just a slap with the palm. His hand was closed in a fist and it was like being slapped and being punched at the same time.

He was so disappointed with me and my pregnancy, and what happened with Gemini. He may not have spoken a word about my sister's death but I know that he blames me for it.

"I'm sorry, Martell," nanghihina kong sambit at kasabay niyon ay ang pagtulo ng mga luha na kanina ko pa pinipigilan.

He took a step forward and closed the small space between us. I felt his hand on the small on my back gently pushing me to lean on him. His other hand went to the back of my head as he caressed my hair.

"Tell me, Axyne," aniya rin sa nanghihinang boses. "Please... please tell me."

Naramdaman ko ang paghigpit ng kaniyang yakap at saka ako dahan-dahang kinarga. Umupo kami sa sofa at saka ako nagkuwento. Hindi ko alam kung may naintindihan ba siya sa mga sinabi ko dahil panay ang hikbi at singhot ko at tahimik lang naman siyang nakikinig.

Parang naubos ang lakas ko dahil sa pagkuwento at ang sunod kong alam ay narito na ako sa parang kwarto sa may office niya.

Pinahiran ko ang mukha at kahit parang wala na akong lakas para maglakad ay pinilit ko pa rin ang sarili na tumungo sa pintuan. Nang makalabas ako ay hindi pa ako napansin ni Martell. Nakatayo siya sa harapan ng floor-to-celing glass window at tinatanaw ang mga naglalakihang mga gusali at mukhang malalim ang iniisip.

I covered my mouth to prevent myself from sobbing again. I feel like what I said weren't enough and I feel like that this reaction from him is not what I deserve. I don't think that after all these years of keeping everything from, I don't deserve this calm look he's giving me now.

Lumapit ako sa kaniya at mabilis na lumuhod. "I know you might not understand my rationality but that was the best I could think and I'm sorry that it involved lying and leaving—"

The rest of my words were drowned by my sobs when Martell knelt as well and pulled me into a hug. I found solace in his embrace and I'm not sure whether I should be feeling this comfortable when I'm still not done paying for my consequences.

"Why are you being like this?" I asked in between sobs. Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit ganito ang reaksiyon niya. Diba dapat galit na siya ulit sa akin? Diba dapat tinalikuran at tinulak niya na ako palayo? Ba't siya pa ang nagpapatahan sa akin gayong ako naman ang may kasalanan at may utang sa kaniya?

Mas nahihirapan ako ngayong ganito ang reaksiyon niya dahil hindi ito ang pinaghandaan ko. Mas nasasaktan ako kasi alam kong nararapat siyang magalit at madismaya sa akin. Basing on how my father and his mother reacted, I thought that Martell's reaction would be way worse.

"I tried to get mad at you and where did it lead me? Instead of making me feel good for thinking I got back at you, I felt guilty for being an ass. I couldn't sleep peacefully knowing that I treated you badly and acted bitter around you... I thought it was unfair... I couldn't stay mad at you for long, Axyne... I can't..." he answered weakly, his embrace tightening as if he, too, is getting strength from our close contact.

"I've been longing and thinking about you ever since you left... my heart aches for you, Axyne," he added in almost a whisper, his words were almost drowned by his sigh. "So why would I keep on choosing anger when I've been wanting to see you and be with you?"

"You wanna know why?" Aniya ulit at saka kinalas ang yakap at hinarap ako. "Because it's you... because you're my Axyne," he said, it was as if that was the most logical answer. As if it can explain everything. As if just because it's me, it would then be enough already.

"This isn't how you treat the person who left you, Martell," sabi ko at binigyan siya ng maliit na ngiti kahit parang pinipiga na ang puso ko. "This isn't how you treat your ex-girlfriend who kept her pregnancy from you..." I trailed off.

He sighed, then pulling his swivel chair and sat on it, and swiftly held my waist and made me sit on his lap. His hand guided my head and made it rest on his chest as he caressed my hair while whispering sweet nothings that I'd actually find comforting if only we're not in this situation.

"I think it's unfair too," he said, his voice gentle and calm. Parang nang-aalo. "I think it's unfair that I cannot persuade myself to be angry, and to act like how you want me to and how you expected me to. I'm surprised that I'm like this too."

"I thought before— no, more like, I persuaded myself to think that the reason why I want to see you is for the purpose of vengeance. I thought maybe that's why I wanted to see you again so I can plot something against you but I couldn't actually bring myself to do it. I want to be mad too."

"Heck! You left me hanging and without a word! I should be mad at you. But damn! Who am I kidding? Just one look at you and I felt all the pent up grudge leave and I'm back to calling you 'Axyne' again when I clearly told myself that I'm past that stage..."

Pinahiran ko ang mga luha at gusto na talagang tumigil sa kaiiyak. Akmang aalis na sana ako sa pagkakakandong sa kaniya ngunit mabilis niyang hinigpitan ang pagkakayakap sa akin at lalo pa akong mas ipinadikit sa kaniya at siya na ang pumahid ng mukha ko.

"I don't want to cry because we can't talk when I'm like this," I admitted, a bit surprised on myself on where I got the strength to speak. "Let's face it, you do have a soft spot for me," I added in almost a whisper, then earning a smile from him.

Our eyes locked for a while and for a moment there, I forgot our real situation. I forgot that we're actually talking about what happened while I'm crying ugly.

"I'm sorry that the decision I thought was for the best hurt you," I apologized again. Ilang beses na akong nakapag-sorry pero alam kong hinding-hindi ang mga iyon magiging sapat. Kahit habang buhay pa siguro ako mag-sorry at bumawi ay baka hindi talaga iyon magiging sapat.

"What are you gonna do then? What do you want to do next?" He asked with a calculating look.

"To be honest, I want to leave." I swallowed hard and did my best not to look away. "Because if I'm in your life, it just gets complicated and harder..."

"Mhmm..." He pursed his lips and tilted his head, his calculating eyes still not leaving me. "But you being part of my life also makes it brighter and better..."

I heaved a deep sigh, still can't understand why he's being like this. "You should be mad and lash out—"

"I can do that but I don't want to and I chose not to," he cut me off, his eyes turning dark as if he found my suggestion absurd and insulting. "I can't do anything about what happened, Axyne. Yes, there's a lot that I can say but will that actually make you feel better? Do you think lashing out on you will lessen the pain of the heartbreak you caused me?"

Hindi ako sumagot kaya nagpatuloy siya. "No, right? So why would I waste my time trying to hurt you back when we can do something to put an end to the hurting caused by what happened in the past? Why would I focus on that when we can actually make things better for our 'now'?"

Napakagat-labi ako at akmang ibabaling ang tingin sa gilid ngunit mabilis niyang nilagay ang kamay sa aking panga at saka hinaplos ang aking pisngi.

"I cannot reverse what happened and neither can you," dagdag niya pero ngayon ay sa mahina ngunit maamong boses. "But you can be here for me and I to you... I can take care of you... I can wipe your tears when the sadness from the memories of the past feels too much and you can do the same for me; you can lean on me when you feel like your strength is being drained by those memories and I can lean on you too..."

"We can spend our time being remorseful but that won't change anything. We may have went through our fair share of heartaches by ourselves but now, we have the choice and the chance to not face the heartbreaks on our own... we don't have to keep our heartbreaks to ourselves... we can share the good and the bad together... we don't have to keep our heartbreaks as secrets anymore..."

My breathing hitched because of his words. Pinagsalikop niya ang aming mga kamay habang ang isa niyang kamay ay iginiya ang ulo ko para harapin siya. Namamasa ang kaniyang mga mata at may kung anong nalulungkot na expresyon sa kaniyang mukha.

"I want to take care of you, Axyne, I want to be with you," he said in an almost desperate tone. I can see that he's tired with all of this already but I can also see that he's trying to be patient. "Let me share the burden. Let me take care of you—"

"No," mabilis kong pag-iling at saka tumayo. "That would be another selfish decision. I'd just hurt you—"

"Why won't you let me love you, huh?"

Natigil ako nang bigla siyang nagsalita. Nagtiim-bagang siya habang seryoso akong tinitingnan na nakatayo sa harapan niya. Sandali niyang isinandal ang ulo sa headrest ng upuan at saka napapikit. Nagulat ako nang bigla siyang tumayo at agad akong hinawakan sa magkabilang baywang.

"Please let me stay, Axyne. I want to stay... I want this to work because I know that this will work..." aniya, mukhang ayaw talagang i-give up ito. "And I know you want this too... you're just scared."

Wala akong problema sa gusto niyang mangyari dahil tama siya, gusto ko rin iyon. Gustong-gusto. Matagal ko na itong pinapangarap; matagal ko na itong ipinagdadasal at patagong hinihiling. Pero ang kaisipang baka maulit ang nangyari noon ay ang nagpapatakot sa akin.

"I don't want to hurt you again... I'm scared of everything that might happen... I don't want to hurt you again..." I admitted while shaking my head, hoping that he'll understand.

"Pushing me away is hurting me... you're hurting me right now, Axyne."

Napalunok ako at napailing ulit. "You may be hurt right now because of this but this, too, will pass. But if you force this, you'll get more hurt in the future because of me..." I trailed off, suddenly remembering that we're actually married. Parang wala nang kwenta itong mga pinagsasabi ko dahil kahit ano pa pala ang gusto kong mangyari ay wala na akong magagawa dahil kasal na kami. Hindi na ako pwedeng mag-back out.

"We're married, Axyne," he said matter-of-factly. Wala nang kalungkutan sa kaniyang boses at napalitan na ito ng kung anong pagka-confident. It was as if he thought of something really useful.

"So, it's either we spend the rest of our life hurting while being married or just choose each other and we can then live our life in peace," he added, then tilting his head with a small amused smile.

I shook my head. "We can get divorced and then you can find someone—"

"No," he cut me off, his steely, reprimanding look bore into me. He shook his head and gave me another look. It was as if he finds me really complicated and absurd.

"No, Axyne," he repeated, then closing the small space between us while lowering his head. His eyes dropped to my lips, making me swallow hard while my insides went wild.

"It's either a life with you or a life with no one at all."