Kung gaano ako kasaya noong ilang araw kaming nagbakasyon sa Europa, ganoon din ang ikinasama ng mga sumunod na araw nang makabalik na kami.

Samu't-saring mga problema ang nagsitambakan at hindi ko na alam kung anong uunahin at kung ano ba ang dapat kong gawin.

"Galaxy!" Bati ng kapatid sa kabilang linya na ikinainis ko naman. Hindi ko alam pero tuwing naririnig ko siyang magsalita, naririndi ako. "Guess what? We're going to States! Bibisitahin ka namin diyan—"

"Walang nagtanong, Gemini," sagot ko, hindi mapigilang mapairap. "Just please don't bother me when you come here. I'm busy."

"What? Why? Can't I at least see you once? I have something to tell—"

"Just drop it, okay?" I scoffed. "Ayaw kitang makita kaya huwag mo nang ipilit."

Hindi ko na hinintay ang kaniyang sagot at pinatay na ang tawag. Literal na sumasakit ang ulo ko at kasabay niyon ay ang poot na sa kapatid ko lang nararamdaman tuwing nag-uusap kami.

Tinapon ko ang cellphone sa sofa at saka dumiretso sa kusina para kumuha ng yogurt. Nang makabalik sa salas, napatakbo ako sa may sofa nang makita na kay Nana ko natapon ang cellphone.

Napasinghal na lang ako sabay upo sa sahig at saka umiyak. I don't know what happened but when I arrived from Europe, my teddy bear already had lots of tears and rips and not even my stitching skills can fix it!

I tried fixing Nana but I think I even made it worse. It's like its cloth just suddenly weakened and got too delicate that it would rip even more when I try to stitch it.

Ngayon ko lang din napansing kung gaano na ito kanipis. I had Nana when I was still a child and I hug it to sleep every night. Though it's no surprise that this is happening, it's still heartbreaking that it's wearing out and I might not be able to sleep with it anymore.

I felt silly for crying over a teddy bear so I just let out a sigh and washed my face. I then took a phone and opened my Twitter which I immediately regretted.

Ang mga nangyayari ngayon sa social media ay isa rin sa mga ikinasasakit ng damdamin ko.

Malapit nang mag-isang linggo simula noong umamin si Martell. Ilang araw din kaming nagkita at pumunta kung saan-saan pero kinailangan niyang bumalik sa Europa dahil sa offer sa kaniya.

Hindi ang pag-alis niya ang bumabagabag sa akin kundi ang mga news articles na nagsasabi na nagkabalikan daw sila ni Irene. Iyong record label na nag-offer kay Martell ay may offer din daw kay Irene kaya magkasama sila ngayon.

Maraming mga litrato ang kumakalat at hindi ko mapigilang mapaisip na baka nagkamabutihan nga sila ulit. Kahit pa hindi umamin si Martell noong nakaraan, alam kong maaapektuhan pa rin ako sa usapang ito dahil may gusto ako sa kaniya. Mas nadagdagan nga lang dahil may parte na sa akin na umaasa sa kaniya.

This is the reason why I always try not to like people romantically. Even though I don't want to hope and assume, there's still a part of me that does such thus making me end up getting brokenhearted even though it's just a mere like or crush.

Hindi ko na alam ang gagawin kaya natulog na lang ako. May pasok pa ako bukas at sigurado akong mamumugto ang mga mata ko dahil sa kaiiyak.

Hindi ko alam kung ang dahilan ba ng mga luha ko ay ang pagkainis sa kapatid o dahil sa nangyari sa kay Nana o iyong isyu tungkol kina Martell at Irene. Ang alam ko lang ay ayaw kong nagkakaganito ako dahil nakakabaliw isipin at hindi ko maipaliwanag ang nararamdaman.

"Are you okay?" Ani Sasha sabay tabi sa akin. "We're starting to get worried."

Nasa garden kami ngayon ng paaralan at dito tumambay dahil wala kaming klase at pinagawa lang ng proyekto namin.

Nilabas niya ang kaniyang panyo at saka pinahiran ang mukha ko. Si Olivia naman, kararating lang at hindi ko alam kung saan siya nanggaling pero mukhang sa cafeteria siya pumunta dahil may mga pagkain na siyang bitbit.

Nilahad niya sa akin ang bagong bukas na yogurt at isang bote ng tubig bago umupo sa katapat na silya.

Napangiti na lang ako dahil sa mga kaibigan. Kaninang umaga pa kami magkasama at alam kong napansin nila na hindi maganda ang gising ko pero hindi nila ako pinilit o tinukso.

Namumugto ang mga mata ko at mapula-pula ang buong mukha ko lalo na ang ilong ko. Ako mismo nagulat sa sarili noong napatingin ako sa salamin. Ganoon kalala ang itsura ko ngayon.

I nodded at Sasha's question and started eating the yogurt. The two of them ate with me but we were silent the whole time until Sasha spoke again.

"In fairness sa'yo, maganda ka pa rin kahit namumula ang mukha," aniya na ikinangiti ko naman. "Parang nasobrahan lang ng cheek tint."

Natawa kami ni Olivia sa huli niyang komento. Napailing na lang ako sabay hilig sa kaniyang balikat.

I wanted to tell them what I cried about but I'm still hesitant because my reasons are petty. Hindi ganoon kalala ang mga problema ko at walang-wala iyon kumpara sa mga pinagdadaanan ng iba. Nakakahiya rin dahil alam kong ako lang ang umiiyak dahil sa isang unan.

"If you want to talk about it, we're just here," Sasha said in a soothing and reassuring voice, different from her usual high-pitched and noisy one. "But if not, then it's okay as well."

Tumango si Olivia at binigyan ako ng maliit na ngiti bago binalik ang atensyon sa kinakain. Ako naman, nag-iisip kung sasabihin ko ba sa kanila o hindi.

"You might laugh at me," I said, almost in a whisper.

"I only find memes and jokes funny," Olivia answered. Ito ang unang beses na narinig ko siyang magsalita sa hapong ito. "If it's not one of those, rest assured that I won't even be smiling."

Bago pa ako makasagot, naunahan na ako ni Sasha na mukhang nagulat sa sinabi ng kaibigan. "How about the other times you laughed? Hindi naman lahat na tinawanan mo memes at jokes, ah!"

"Just because I laughed, it doesn't mean it's really funny," Olivia said with a shrug. "Some are just amusing but not really funny."

Napakibit-balikat na lang si Sasha bago binaling ang tingin sa akin.

"We won't laugh," she assured.

I heaved a deep breath before telling them my three silly dilemmas. Ngayong nailabas ko na ang dinaramdam at mga saloobin, hindi na ako sigurado kung matuturi nga ba ang mga iyon bilang mga problema. Baka kasi nag-iinarte lang ako.

Sandali silang nanahimik at seryoso akong pinagmasdan. "Which one of the three did you think we'd laugh at?" Si Sasha.

"It's the teddy bear," Olivia answered before bringing her eyes back to me. "If it makes you feel better, I cried about the same thing too."

"I don't think there's something funny about crying," ani Sasha. "Unless you're crying because of laughter."

"Sorry," I said apologetically. "My reasons are quite silly."

"It's understandable, Gazella," Olivia spoke again but this time, in a much serious voice. "People tend to make fun at things they haven't went through. May it be the insecurities or just the things that seem insignificant to them."

Hindi ko mapigilang mapatango sa sinabi ni Olivia. Patuloy kaming nag-usap-usap at hindi ako makapaniwala na sumeryoso kaming tatlo.

Iyon ang ginawa namin hanggang hapunan. Sa labas kami kumain at libre iyon ni Olivia.

Akala ko nga, mag-aaya pa sila na mamasyal pero mukhang katulad ko, gusto na rin nilang umuwi. Nang makarating kami sa palapag namin, ang unang bumungad sa amin ay si Martell na nakasandal sa pintuan ng unit ko.

Kahit nakatayo, mukhang nakatulog pa rin siya dahil sa kahihintay at napansin lang kami nang nagsitilian ang mga kaibigan.

Habang umaayos ng tayo si Martell, tinulak nila ako sa kaniya. Napasubsob ako sa kaniyang dibdib at siya naman ay biglang nanigas at nabunggo pa sa pintuan.

Hinawakan niya ako sa baywang at tinulungan akong makatayo. Ako naman, nag-aalala sa kaniyang likod dahil baka napaano iyon. Hindi naman malakas ang pagkakatulak nila sa akin ngunit pareho kaming nagulat kaya hindi kami agad nakakilos.

I tried finding my friends but they were now in their units. I don't know why he's here but I still invited him in.

He comfortably sat on my couch and let out a sigh of relief. Martell looked worn out and tired but at the same time peaceful. It seems to me that even though he's busy with everything that he's doing, he's still enjoying them.

"How are you, Axyne?" Aniya, nakangiti.

Tumabi ako sa kaniya at saka ngumiti, nagdadalawang-isip pa kung magkukuwento ba ako o hindi.

"It's okay if you don't want to share," aniya ulit sa mahinang boses bago patagilid na umupo para magkaharap kami. "I brought you yogurts," dagdag niya.

Napangiti ako sa narinig at napailing na lang. "What do you mean? Is it obvious?"

Instead of answering, he only shrugged and gave me the paper bag full of yogurts. Dumapo ang kaniyang tingin sa kay Nana na nasa kabilang sofa. Bahagyang tumaas ang kaniyang kilay at saka itinagilid ang ulo. Alam kong na-curious siya pero piniling hindi magtanong.

"That's Nana, my teddy bear," I started. "It's one of the reasons why I look like a mess right now."

"It means that much to you?" Aniya at pabalik-balik ang tingin.

Tumango ako. "I can't explain how important it is for me. You know, if you grew up in a not-so-nurturing household, you'd be forced to find something to hold on. Something you can depend on and cry when things go rough. Something you could hug when you're in need of comfort," I continued. "That's my Nana for me."

"I'm sorry it sounds silly," I added with a small laugh.

"It's important to you. Why are you saying that it's silly?" He asked, looking genuinely confused.

"Because it is!"

"No, it's not," he replied with conviction. "It's important to you so it's not silly."

Bago pa ako makapagsalita, umusog na siya palapit sa akin at saka ako inakbayan at pinahilig sa kaniyang balikat.

"For the mean time, if you can't sleep, you can call me and I'll sing for you until you fall asleep. If you want to cry, I'm willing to be your Nana or maybe just one of your fancy and embroidered handkerchiefs."

Natawa ako sa huli niyang sinabi pero mas nangingibabaw ang kapayapaang nararamdaman at ang kakaibang init at sensasyon sa aking dibdib. I didn't expect him to say such so now I'm speechless.

"Thanks, M." That was all that I could muster. I feel like my heart's gonna explode any minute by now and it didn't help when he flashed a boyish grin.

"I gotchu, dude," he replied with a wink. "You really think I'd let my happy pill go through this alone?"

Napatayo ako dahil sa gulat. Hindi ko na naman inasahan na may pa ganoon siya.

"Nag pa Europe ka lang, lumandi ka na," puna ko sa nangungutyang tono, sinusubukang itago ang nararamdaman.

Gusto kong manghampas dahil sa kilig at magpa-gulong-gulong sa sahig. Hindi ko talaga kailanman inasahan na magiging ganito si Martell.

Sanay akong nagtutuksuhan kami pero hindi iyong bumabanat siya! Mas mabuti pa siguro na ako iyong nanunukso dahil at least hindi ako nabibigla.

"Is it cringey?" He asked with a shy smile, gone was the smug and cool Martell. Napakamot pa siya ng ulo at bigla na lang hindi makatingin sa akin.

"It's only for you, though," he added in a whisper as if he's talking to himself.

"Aww! Look at you." Bumalik ako sa kaniyang tabi at hinawakan ang magkabilang pisngi niya at saka siya pinaharap sa akin.

Ah, my future boyfriend.

"You're making my hopes too high, Axyne," he said with a frown yet the side of his lips rose. It seems to me that he wants to smile but only stopping himself.

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. "You heard it?"

Naku, Martell, kung ako lang ang tatanungin mo, oo na kaagad ang sagot ko! Kahit hindi ka na manligaw, oo pa rin. Ganoon ako karupok para sa'yo!

He only chuckled and messed with my hair. We then started talking about his trip to Europe and about the offer. Gusto ko ngang magtanong tungkol sa mga nabasang article ngunit mukhang wala siyang alam tungkol doon.

Sa gitna ng pag-uusap namin, biglang tumunog ang cellphone ko. Tumawag na naman ang kapatid at gusto ko na lang ulit ihagis ang cellphone dahil sa inis.

"What is it, Gemini?" Padabog akong tumayo habang hinihilot ang sentido.

"Sorry! Did I disturb you?" Aniya, mukhang malapit nang umiyak. "I, uh, just wanted to ask if you're gonna fetch us from the airport? Dad also wants to meet—"

"Save your energy cuz my answer's no," sagot ko, hindi na siya pinatapos dahil alam ko naman ang sasabihin niya.

Wala akong balak makipagkita sa kanila dahil tiyak akong ikasasama lang iyon ng araw ko. Ngayon pa nga lang na nag-uusap kami, naiirita na ako, ano pa kaya kung magkita kami?

Pinatay ko na ang tawag at saka bumalik sa tabi ni Martell. Sigurado akong nasaksihan niya ang pagiging masungit ko at malaki ang pagkakataon na na-turn off siya. Pero 'di bale na, mas mabuti nang alam niya.

"And oh, I'm a really mean and harsh person," I informed with a fake smile. Medyo sumama ang loob ko dahil alam kong na-turn off siya. "You can back out now."

Bumalik na naman ang nalilito at naguguluhan niyang expresyon. "Why would I do that?" He asked in a low voice.

"Because I'm mean?" Tanong ko pabalik, nalilito na rin kung bakit ganito lang ang reaksyon niya. "That was my sister. Didn't you hear how I talked to her?

Sanay ako na natu-turn off ang ibang tao dahil sa ugali ko. May mga manliligaw ako noon na noong sinabihan ko na may pagka-masungit ako, biglang umiba ang pakikitungo nila sa akin.

I saw how their expressions changed from pure admiration to distaste. So now that Martell seems unaffected by it, I'm starting to get confused.

"You're nice to me, though," he said matter-of-factly. "Don't we all treat everyone differently?"

"Aren't you... turned off?"

He shook his head. "You're a nice person and not just to me. It seems to me that..." he trailed off. It was as if he didn't want to continue.

"What is it?"

"Hmm... it seems to me that there is a deep reason why you're treating your sister as such."

"It's a petty reason—" I paused when I noticed the look on his face. "I'm sorry, okay? It's just that it's better if I say it than hear other people tell me that I'm petty."

"Here, take a chill pill," aniya sabay abot ng panibagong yogurt. Hindi ko alam kung matutuwa ba ako o ano.

Binuksan ko ang yogurt at nagsimulang magkuwento. He listened with eagerness and patience and there wasn't any trace of judgment.

I guess he really is more than just a pretty face. He just saw my ugly side but he could still look at me the same. He could've just judged me then and there but instead, he asked!

And damn! Why am I opening up to him?

"Are you okay now?" Aniya nang matapos akong magkuwento.

Now that I was able to vent out, I'm not actually sure why I'm treating my sister that way. I never felt any remorse for how I treated her because I always thought that she deserves it. But now... there's a part of me who wants to apologize to her.

"What did you to me and I suddenly just want to apologize?" I asked, then giving him a suspicious yet playful look.

"I guess it's part of my charms?" Aniya, natatawa.

Deep down, I was starting to feel guilty for how I treated my sister but I still found myself smiling.

And that's when I thought that maybe Martell really is an angel— an angel with no halo and wings but in some ways, he enlightened me.

He's a cupid with no bow and arrows but he definitely managed to capture my heart.