CHAPTER 48

"Good morning!" Masiglang bungad ni Mateo sa akin. "Maayos na ba ang pakiramdam mo?" Tanong pa nito na ikinatango ko.

Malawak siyang ngumiti sa akin at bago pa man siya makalapit sa akin ay agad ko nang hinarang ang kamay ko sa pagitan naming dalawa. Nawala ang pagkakangiti niya ngunit mabilis namang bumalik iyon.

"Come here, take your breakfast na." Paghihila nito ng upuan sa akin na pinaunlakan ko naman. "Heavy breakfast ang hinanda ko for us, since puro lugaw ka lang naman kahapon." Saad nito at sinalinan ang plato ko.

Isang putahe lang ang nasa mesa. At paborito ko pa ang inihanda niya para sa umagahan.

"Paborito mo, right?" Paglalapag nito sa plato ko. Binigyan ko lang siya ng isang tingin at kinuha na ang kutsara't tinidor at inumpisahang tikman ang niluto niya.

Ilang beses akong napalunok. Nanunuot sa lalamunan ko ang lasa ng luto niya. Tama ang lasa, masarap.

"Does it taste bad?" May pag-aalala sa boses niya.

Nagtaas ako ng tingin at umiling. Para naman siyang nakahinga ng maluwag. "It's good. Perfectly got my taste."

Hindi magkamayaw ang ngiti sa labi ni Mateo. Animo'y dinaig niya pa ang nanalo sa lotto sa itsura niya ngayon. Napailing na lang ako. Para siyang bata.

"Since I cooked your favorite dish, bakit hindi mo rin ako ipagluto in return. Hmm?" 
 
Natigilan ako.

"Ipagluluto kita?" Marahan naman siyang napatango.

I leaned forward to get my water. I drank it with a smile, remembering the day I tried to cook, even though I couldn't, simply to satisfy him. Everything went wrong. Everything went horribly wrong.

"I can't and I don't know how to cook." Diretsahan kong saad.

"You can try---"

"The last time I tried I failed and Manang Celly helped me but then, I was compared, and that person didn't even look at what I'd done... Sinabi mo pa ngang sapat na si Manang Celly to do that stuff. Right?"

I caught him off guard. The smile on his face faded.

"I really went so down on you before; I'm sorry."

Napangisi ako. Hanggang kailan ko ba maririnig ang sorry na 'yan? I'm tired of it. I'm tired hiring his apologies.

"How many sorry do you have, Mateo? If I were you, I'd stop apologizing because we both know that your sorry will not wipe our pasts from our selves; it will be buried with me, even if my soul departs my body; it's still at me."

Katahimikan ang sumunod na namayani sa aming dalawa. Parehas naming hindi na nagalaw ang pagkain namin. Tatayo na sana ako nang muli naman siyang magsalita na ikinatigil ko.

"I will not stop apologizing to you, Fayra; I committed many sins against you, and apologizing every day or every few seconds will be my first step. I'm just working on some stuff right now, but I'll promise you. Once I clean up my mess properly, I'll do what should I do to clean myself to you... I want you back, and I'm willing to work harder to bring you back."

Ilang sandali ko rin siyang tinitigan bago ako tuluyang tumayo. Ngunit bago ko nilisan ang hapag ay isang payak na pagkakangiti ang ibinigay ko sa kaniya.

"Let's see that, Mateo."

Tingnan na'tin kung hanggang kailan mo ako kay suyuin. Tingnan na'tin kung hindi ka mapagod kagaya nang ako ang napagod sa 'yo.

Nang lisanin ko ang hapag ay dumiretso na ako sa kuwarto para tumungo sa banyo. Inilublob ko ang sarili ko sa bathtub at ipinikit ang mga mata ko.

I was left alone like this when we were in Palawan. The night he and his brother fought over me for not knowing where I was in the middle of the night. I sleep in that bathtub. I didn't cry, but my heart was shattered into pieces. My breathing was heavy, and my body didn't have the strength to move even a bit. 
 
Many memories that can't be erased by saying sorry. 
 
His apologies won't erase the fact that he hurt me not just once, not just twice, or even three times. He hurt me several times, more than I can even count on my fingers. I was left alone in that big house of us. I was determined to make him stay by my side a hundred times, but I failed. I tried to become better for him, not knowing to myself early that I was better and he wasn't. I became immune to the pain. I became blind and deaf and also became a liar so that his grandfather wouldn't get mad at him. I became an actress in no time. And at the same time, I became a mistress more than Rose herself—I'm wrong. Even being his mistress won't suit me that time. I'm just like someone who guards his house and his freedom from his family. 
 
Lahat ng puwedeng ibato niyang masakit na salita sa akin ay ginawa niya.

Harap harapang pagpapamukha na hindi niya ako kayang mahalin. Harap harapang pagpapamukha na si Rose lang ang gusto niyang makasama at iharap ng maayos sa altar. Harap harapang pagpapamukha na hindi ko matutumbasan si Rose sa kaniya. Harap harapang pagpapamukha na matindi ang pagkasuklam niya sa akin. Harap harapang pambababoy sa sinumpaan naming kasal. Harap harapang ipinamukha sa akin na ayaw niyang magkaroon kami ng anak.

Ilan lang sa mga ginawa niya sa aking hindi makatarungan.

Kahit bumawi siya sa akin, I know to myself that I can't forgive him even if I try.

Hindi ko gustong mawala sa mundo ng may hinanakit na kahit na kanino. But this one, tingin ko hanggang sa huling hininga ko ay dadalhin ko ang nakaraan namin.

His words right now are not convincing me to open the door again for him. His intentions may be sincere, but his sincerity is not the key to healing my old self. 
 
Mistakes are mistakes... And I'm afraid that it will continue to cycle through my life. 
 
He did it without hesitation, and he can do it again.
 
"Fayra?! Open the door!"

Mabilis akong napadilat kasabay nang paghingal kong umahon sa tubig. Kinapa ko ang sarili ko't nanginginig ang kamay na humawak sa pasimano ng bathtub.

Did I just drown myself without noticing it?

"Fayra!"

Nagawi ang paningin ko sa lakas ng kalampag sa labas ng banyo. Scenery from the past flashes back as my vision gets blurry in an instant. 

Does pounding on the door and twisting the doorknob...
 
Napaupo ako sa sahig at doon itinutok ang aking paningin. Hinalukipkip ko ang aking tuhod palapit sa akin nang tuluyan akong makawala sa compartment, pinalibot ko ang aking dalawang braso sa tuhod ko.
This is excessive. Too much anguish for me to bear, and far too much clowning for his own good. I had even become blind to his shady behavior toward our marriage, para lang maging masaya siya't ipinadurusa ko naman.

My face was dry, but he was still standing there, and I could feel his gaze on me. I don't want to be pitied by anyone anymore. I don't want them to look at me and think to themselves how pitiful I am. I am a Fabian. Nobody should feel sorry for me.

I could hear the weariness in my own voice as I said, "G-Get out of my room. I-I don't want to see your face." I kept my eyes on the floor, not wanting to see his face and his eyes that couldn't stare at me way they looked at Rose.

That night, he was scolding me because of Rose.

Because I sent her away from him using his grandfather. The way he scolds me, I can see his veins. The anguish he had for me is visible in his eyes, which were fixed on his beloved, Rose. He can do whatever he wants just to be with her. That night, I almost gave him myself, just for him to see that I can do whatever it costs me.

The craziest thing I ever did was just to please him. 

"Fuck! Fayra! "Do you hear me?" 

I looked in his direction. I'm only a few inches away from him. He had tear-filled eyes and a terrified expression.
 
"Are you h-hearing me? Please, response to me, Fayra. Come on." Pagyuyogyog niya pa.

"Why are you crying?" I ask.

"Thank God," he exclaimed with relief after hearing me. He then wipes his eyes and grabs me with both hands to get me out of the tub. I'm still dressed when I cast my eyes inside.

"You've been locked here for 30 freaking minutes, what have you done, Fayra? I'm almost going to contact your parents if I don't find your room key!" He sounded terrified.

I rolled my eyes and snatched the towel he was holding. 
 
"Leave." I coldy said. 
 
His eyes were fixed on me in shocked. "I can't —" 
 
"I'll take a bath, Mateo. Now go away and leave me." I then pushed him out. I was about to shut the door on his face but he held my hand. 
 
"10 minutes and you'll be out, Fayra. If you don't, I'll let myself in." 
 
I shrugged my shoulder and push him again. I heavily sighed and take off my clothes off. Hindi ako nagmadali na asikasukin ang sarili ko. Mas lalo ko pang binagalan at ang sampong minuto na sinabi niya sa akin ay nilagpasan ko pa. Rinig na rinig ko ang pagtawag ni Mateo sa akin sa labas, ngunit kahit isang salita ay hindi ko na siya pinagbigyan pa.

Pagkalabas ko ng banyo ay nakita kong nasa veranda na si Mateo. Dali dali akong pumasok sa closet ko at naghanap ng maisusuot ko mamaya para sunduin si Ace.

When I looked at myself in the mirror, I roamed my eyes from the bottom to the top of my suit. I picked up my black tube dress, which was not above my knee. I paired it with a pair of two-inch heels and paired it with my white cardigan and a purse.

I then put on my light make-up and tied my hair in a classic low ponytail. Then I sprayed my perfume and took a good look at myself. 
 
I created myself like this. I'm happy and contented when I find myself. I should not look back anymore. 
 
"You took more than 30 minutes again, Fayra."

"So?" Walang ganang tanong ko nang papalabas na kami ng bahay.

Hindi naman siya sumagot. Bagkus ay dumiretso siya sa may gate at binuksan iyon. Ako naman ay dumako sa sasakyan ko. Pagkapasok na pagkapasok ko pa lang ay kumatok na agad si Mateo sa salamin ng sasakyan ko. Binaba ko ang bintana at binigyan siya ng tingin.

Kunot ang noo niya't nakapamaywang pa.

Atsaka ko lang napansin na bagong paligo rin pala siya. Bago rin ang damit niya na ikinataas ng kilay ko. Nasa plano niya talaga ata na dito mamalagi sa akin. Mukhang handa pa siya kaysa kay Ace.

"What are you doing?" He tapped his fingers on my roof.

"What do you think I'm doing?" Balik kong tanong.

"You should be in my car, Fayra. Ako ang maghahatid sa inyo pauwi."

"Ayaw kitang kasama sa iisang sasakyan. At isa pa, mas maigi nang hiwalay ako sa 'yo, hindi ko naman gugustuhing makarating sa iba na magkasama tayo at baka kung ano ang isipin nila."

"Then let them—"

Before he could finish his sentence, I shut him up by closing my window and starting my engine. I saw how pissed he was, but I do not care. After a couple of seconds, he finally surrendered; he drove his car outside, and I followed him. He was the one who also closed the gate. 

We were in the middle of our way when I turned my car around. When I did that, I noticed Mateo's car doing a u-turn and instantly convoying on me. My phone also received a voice call from him, which I did not intend to hear.

After a couple of minutes, I got my feet out of my car when I entered Don Madeo's Villa. Mateo immediately followed my steps inside.

"Why you did that? Buti na lang ay panay ang tingin ko sa review mirror para makita ang sasakyan mo—"

"May checkpoint, at wala akong dalang license." Pigil ko sa kaniya.

Malayo pa lang kanina ay nakita ko na ang sandamakmak na pulis na nasa gilid. Alangan namang dumiretso pa ako doon kung puwede ko namang daanan ang pinakamalapit na way para makarating ako dito.

"Don't try to talk, Mateo. Hindi kita pinayagan na sermunan ako." Pagpipigil ko sa kaniya ang akma na siyang magsasalita.

Napakamot ito sa ulo at naunang naglakad sa akin. Sinuyod ko naman ng tingin ang buong bahay. Katulad ng dati, puno pa rin ng kaelegantihan ang bahay. Sagana sa malalaking estatwa na tanging koleksiyon ng Don.

Naupo ako sa may sala at agad naman akong pinaunlakan ng ilan sa mga kasambahay nila. Tahimik kong hinintay ang anak ko hanggang sa ang katahimikan na 'yon ay binasag ng malakas na pagkakatawag sa akin ni Ace.

"Mommy!"

Napatayo ako sa kinauupuan ko at sinalubong ng halik si Ace. Tuwang tuwa ito at kapit na kapit sa akin. Nang balingan ko naman ang mga bultong palapit sa akin ay iprenente ko ang malamig na aura sa aking mukha.

"You look so good, hija." Komento ng sa palagay ko'y si Tito Mason na. Nakangiti ito sa akin at ang ngiting iyon ay hindi naiiba kung papaano ngumiti si Mateo.

By looking at them right now, para silang pinagbiyak na bunga. At kung pagtatabihin ko silang tatlo ni Ace, kuhang kuha ang bawat hulma sa kanilang mukha.

"Thank you po, you look good either Tito." Bahagya akong nagbigay ng ngiti.

"Dito na ba kayo maglu-lunch? Kasi kung papaunlakan mo kami, hija. Malapit nang maluto ang kaunti na'ting salo salo." Aniya pa nito.

"Mostly ang mga ilalagay sa hapag ngayon ay paborito mo at ni Ace." Dagdag naman ni Don Madeo.

Agad akong napailing. "Nandito lang po ako para sunduin ang anak ko. I have another plan for our lunch, but maybe next time." I politely said.

Halata sa mga mukha nila ang pagkadismaya, si Mateo naman ay tinanguan na lang ang ama niya na para bang hayaan na lang ang pasya ko. Hinarap ko naman si Ace at ngumiti sa kaniya.

"Say goodbye to them na, anak." Utos ko sa kaniya.

Ang kaninang ngiti niya ay napawi at kumawala pa sa akin para lang yumakap sa dalawa niyang lolo.

"Ba-bye po, I'll be back again next time."

"Good to hear that from you, apo. But your mother will be the one who will decide for you." Gulo naman ni Don Madeo sa buhok ni Ace.

"Let's go na, Ace." Aya ko naman sa kaniya. Mukhang ayaw pa nga niyang sumama dahil sa itsura niya.

Si Mateo na ang kumarga kay Ace, sukbit din nito ang bag ng anak sa balikat niya.

"Hahatid ko lang sila Dad, Lo." Paalam ni Mateo, sabay naman na kumunot ang noo ng mag-ama sa kaniya. Isang malalim na buntong hininga lang ang ginawa niya at tumalikod na.

Ako naman ay nahuli at yumuko pa para magpaalam, but as soon as I raised my sight, I saw Mateo's body. Standing just in front of us, unmoving.

"So this is what you're doing all this time, huh?" That voice was familiar. "You didn't go home for a few fucking weeks because of this, right?!"

I moved a little closer so I could see clearly who was talking behind that voice. And I'm not mistaken. It's her. When our eyes met, her eyes grew bigger. 
 
I gathered myself and smiled. Before she could approach me more closely, Mateo placed down Ace and blocked her path as she was sluggishly approaching my front.

"So this is why you're not going home, Mateo? Because of her?!"

"May bata, Rose." Kaagad na suway ni Don Madeo.

Kaagad niya namang tiningnan ang anak ko na nagtago na sa likuran ko.

"You've gotten into an accident, and yet your child still survived. How lucky your son didn't die—"

"Hold your words, Rose! That's my child!" Mateo cut her off, which made her jump onto her feet. 
 
"Say that again. I promised you'll experience my palm again in your face." I calmly tried to threaten her, but I was sure that I would do it. She can't say that in front of me. 

"How dare you come back after all these years! You should go far away with your son! You don't need to come back into our lives you freak!" She histrionically screamed and tried to get loose at Mateo's grip.
 
My eyes knitted at her, based on how red her face was. She must be drunk. 

"I said enough, Rose! Isa pa, you'll regret coming up here not sober!" As he said that, Mateo dragged her away from me. 

"Let's go, Fayra. Ako na ang maghahatid sa inyo ng apo ko." Tito Mason interrupted and walked my son all along his side.

"Dad," Mateo's voice made his father look at him. My son was also looking at him, clueless about what was happening.

"Fix everything, Mateo. Fix it." Matigas nitong saad sa anak at tuluyan nang lumabas kasama ang apo niya.

Don Madeo stayed on his foot while watching Rose and Mateo on the other side.

"I'll go now, Don Madeo." Pagpapaalam ko't muling pinagmasdan silang dalawa.

When our eyes met, I slowly shook my head to send him a message that he was fucked up big time. For the last moment, I heard him call my name. I didn't turn my back or even stop for a moment, but I clearly heard him.

"I'll be at your house tonight," he says. "Whether you like it or not, I will."

I try not to laugh at what I just witnessed when I was walking all along the hallway, but I can't. This is funny. I remember what Rose said to me that night when Don Madeo celebrated his project. She's so brave for saying what she thought their relationship would be when it was all in her head, but look at it now. They both... are trash in my eyes.

Crawling to one another... How pathetic.

...