CHAPTER 10

R18.

"But after this. Get lost."

Para akong binomba nang paulit ulit sa aking narinig. Nalalaglag ang aking balikat habang ang aking isipan ay patuloy pa ring prinoproseso ang kaniyang sinabi. Wala sa sariling napangiti ako at ibinagsak ang sarili ko sa kama.

Panay pa rin sa pag-agos ang masagana kong mga luha. Wala akong balak punasan iyon. Gusto kong makita niya ang aking hinanakit.

Ang hinanakit kong matagal ng nasa aking sistema. Mga hinanakit na siya mismo ang gumagawa. Mga hinanakit na kahit hingian ng maraming pasensiya ay hindi na mawawala pa sa akin. Hindi na maiaalis sa memorya ko, hindi na kailanman malilimutan.

Nang maalis ni Mateo ang kaniyang pang-itaas ay mabilis itong lumapit sa akin at walang pakundangang siniil muli ako nang isang mapusok na halik. Tuluyang lumapat ang aking likod sa malambot na kama kasabay nang pag-angkala ko sa aking mga braso sa kaniyang leeg. Ang luha sa aking mga mata ay walang sawa pa ring umaagos.

Hindi ko alam ang mararamdaman. My mind was full of shits.

While his lips were brushing mine, I felt a heaviness. He's kissing me fiercely with those lips that have moved over to Rose's lips, body, and everything. Hindi ko alam kung dapat ba akong mandiri sa sarili ko o ano. Nasasaktan ako. Nasasaktan pa rin ako kahit ginagawa niya ang matagal ko nang gustong mangyari sa pagitan namin. Nasasaktan ako dahil alam kong napipilitan lamang siya, upang tumigil ako.

Ang mga halik niyang mapusok. Para akong pinaparusahan. Parang ipinaparamdam sa akin na hindi ko kailanman mararamdaman ang malumanay at may pag-iingat na halik. But it doesn't matter to me anymore. All I want is him. Tatanggapin ko 'to, dahil ito ang gusto ko.

Bumaba ang halik ni Mateo sa aking leeg. Ang ritmong ibinibigay niya sa akin ay lubos kong ninanamnam. Ang aking mga nanginginig na palad ay nakaagapay sa likod ng kaniyang ulo. Napakagat ako sa labi nang maramdaman ang pagsipsip niya sa aking leeg. Alam kong magi-iwan 'yon ng marka, ngunit hindi ko na siya pinigilan pa.

Bumigat ang aking paghinga. Hindi mahirap ngunit nakakakaba. Nagbibigay ng kakaibang kaba ang mga daliri niyang marahang hinuhubad mula sa katawan ko ang manggas ng aking damit. Maging ang labi niya ang ginagamit niya rin, upang lumaylay mula sa aking balikat ang kabilang manggas. Mariin akong napakapit sa kaniya nang bumaba ang kaniyang halik sa aking dibdib. Naging madali lamang sa kaniyang tunguhin ang parteng 'yon dahil hindi naman ako nagsuot ng pang-loob. Sa damit na aking isinuot ay may kasama na doong panloob na proprotekta sa aking dibdib. Hindi ko akalaing dito ay mabilis lamang mawawala ang pananggalang ko.

"A-Ah," impit kong ungol dala nang pinaghalong sarap at sakit sa aking dibdib. Binuksan ko ang aking mga mata at palihim na tiningnan si Mateo at ang kaniyang labi sa aking dibdib.

Mas lalo akong napahigpit ang kapit sa kaniyang ulo nang makita ko ang kaniyang ginagawa. Para na akong tangang napapailig dala ng senyasyong ibinibigay niya sa akin. Ibinagsak ko ang aking ulo sa kama at ninamnam ang pinapalasap niyang sarap sa akin. Halos hindi na ako magkandamyaw sa ginagawa niyang pagsasalit-salitan sa aking dibdib.

Where here. I'm finally sharing my body with my husband. But why does it feel so fucking hurtful? Even though I was having a great time of it, because of what he was doing to me and because of fulfilling my wish, pain was constantly coursing through my mind and heart. I should be happy right now, but I can't.

But I couldn't stop him anymore. Kailangan kong lunukin ang emosyon ko, dahil hindi ko na alam ang mangyayari sa aming dalawa bukas.

Muling lumakbay ang labi ni Mateo sa pataas sa aking leeg. Muli akong napamulat nang huninto siya't kita ko na lang na nakatitig siya sa akin. Napalunok ako. Ang tingin niya ay parang tumatagos sa aking kaluluwa. Hindi ko mahulaan ang emosyong nakapaloob sa kaniya, dahil maging ang kaniyang mga mata ay blangkong nakatitig lamang sa akin.

I want to ask him, why? But I'm afraid to do so.

Muli akong napalunok. Kasabay no'n ang pag-iling ni Mateo at ibinagsak nang marahan ang ulo niya sa aking balikat. Agad na nangunot ang aking noo. Ang kamay kong nakaagapay sa kaniya ay nanginginig kong ini-alis.

"I'm sorry," he murmured.

Hindi ako nakasagot.

"Don't cry." Pagpapatuloy niya.

Marahan kong kinapa ang gilid ng aking mata. Umiiyak nga ako. Akala ko tumigil na ito kanina. Ngunit panay pa rin pala ang pag-agos.

Nang mag-angat siya nang tingin ay hindi ko mapigilang mag-iwas. Pinunasan ko ang aking mga mata at marahan siyang itinulak upang makabangon sana ako ngunit mabilis niya akong pinigilan.

"M-Mateo..." Nginig ang boses na tawag ko sa kaniya.

Nakakunot ang noo nito habang nakapako ang paningin sa akin. Naikuyom ko na lang ang aking kamao nang muli niya akong halikan sa labi. Marahan. Marahan na ang pagkakahalik niya sa akin. I don't know what to think. Inangkala ko na lang muli ang braso ko sa kaniya at muling nagpadala sa agos.

Hindi ko namalayan kung papaano kami humantong na parehas na kaming walang saplot. Tanging ang mga halinghing ko na lamang ang pumupuno sa buong kuwarto dala nang pinapalasap niya sa akin.

"M-Mateo, s-stop..."

Because of the temptation he's pouring between my thighs, my legs are already trembling. What he was doing down there was taking my breath away. Nalalasan ko na rin ang dugong dala nang madiin kong pagkakakagat sa aking pang-ibabang labi dahil sa pagpipigil kong gumawa ng sobrang ingay.

Mateo did not forgive me. He just wrapped his arms around each of my thighs. Shit! I think I'm going to have a heart attack soon. My eyesight blurred, and I couldn't help but groan.

"J-Jesus!" I exclaimed when I felt something escaping through it.

"Tasty." Mateo whispered sexily as he kissed my thighs.

Parang gusto kong itago ang mukha ko sa kaniya. Ngunit bago ko pa 'yon magawa ay namulat na lamang akong nasa itaas ko na siya at ipinuposisyon na ang sarili sa akin.

I gasped and tapped his shoulder. "B-Baka masakit." Bulong ko.

Sandali siyang natigilan. He glanced at me as though he didn't understand what I was saying. His brow is knitted. "Is this your first time?" Andoon ang maingat niyang tanong.

I nodded, twice.

Mateo groaned softly. He closed his eyes and breathed heavily. I just watched him. When our eyes met again, he leaned forward and planted a soft kiss on my forehead.

"Breathe, Fayra." He said, as he tucked my hair behind my ear.

Napapalabi akong huminga ng malalim at tuluyang ibinagsak ang ulo ko sa kama. Ramdam ko ang kakaibang kiliting dinudulot ng pagsentro niya sa akin. Maging ang kaniyang marahang paghaplos sa aking may puson ay kiliti din ang dulot sa akin.

"Enhale," he whispered softly, tapping his fingertips on my stomach. I followed him. "Now, exhale—"

"Mateo!" I gasped when I felt the tip of him entering my womanhood.  I looked at him right away. He was biting his lower lip and making a shush sound while glancing at me.

"Relax, Fayra. Just relax. " He casually said and began massaging the spot that made my body shiver. This is torture!

There's a little pain in it. It felt like my womanhood was cut in the middle. Ilang beses akong bumubunot ng buntong hininga nang unti unti kong maramdaman ang marahang pagtulak ni Mateo sa sarili niya sa loob ko. Panay rin ang abante ko ngunit mabilis na pinipigilan ni Mateo ang balakang ko at iginagiyang isinasalubong sa kaniya. I was holding on to his arms that rested on my side, doon na rin ako kumukuha ng lakas dahil pakiramdam ko nanghihina na ako.

"Merde! You're so tight." Mateo looks at me again. Sunod sunod ang naging paghinga nito kasabay nang paglamlam ng kaniyang mga mata. Ibinaba niya ang sarili sa akin at ipinatong ang kaniyang noo sa noo ko. "I'll rip you now, Fayra. Any last words?"

I'm not sure if that was intended as humor, but I chose to remain silent. I can't think of anything to say to him, but I want to let him know that his enormous dick is making me hurt.

"No last words?" He laughed and arched his brows at me. "Okay, Mon amour, collect your strength... it's going to be bloody," he said, kissing my lips and looking down at our center part. "I'm going in, Fayra. Hold on to me tightly," hirap niyang saad.

Ang kaninang pagkapit ko sa kaniyang braso ay agad kong inilipat sa kaniyang leeg. Naiangat ko pa ang sarili ko para lamang ibaon ang aking mukha sa kaniyang leeg kasabay nang malakas na ulos niya sa loob ko. Agad na bumalatay ang sakit sa kaibuturan ko. Maski ang aking mga luha ay agad na umagos dala ng ubod ng sakit dala nang pagkakapunit sa loob ko. Mahigpit kong inangkala ang braso ko sa kaniya, maging ang sarili ko ay inilapit ko ng husto.

"Did I really hurt you so badly?" Mateo asks as he caresses my back. He's not moving, but I still felt sore in between.

"A-Alisin mo, Mateo. You're not fit in—"

"I fit in with you, Fayra. If I move now, you'll feel that I'm fitting in."Putol niya.

Bahagya kong nilayo ang mukha ko sa kaniya para makita ko ang kaniyang reaksyon. Lumukot ang mukha ko.

"Mas masakit ata 'to sa lahat nang masasakit na pinagdaanan ko sa 'yo." Saad ko at pasimpleng ibinaba ang aking tingin sa magkasalo naming parte.

Napikit ako nang walang pakundangang gumalaw si Mateo. I was about to say something to make him stop, but he leaned over to me, making me lie down in bed again.

"Let me at least make you feel the apex of our scenerio for now, Fayra; stop thinking about yesterday; we're having sex right now for god's sake," namumugay ang matang saad niya. "Do you get it?"

I quickly nodded. He fixed his stare on me for a few moments. When he moved carefully inside, he seemed to be observing my reaction. I couldn't help but grumble in satisfaction. The agony he had created was suddenly replaced by a pleasant sensation.

"O-Oh, shit!" I groaned out of satisfaction.

Mateo's movements were no longer slow. He's like a wild animal going in and out of my hole smoothly. I can feel his tip in my spot; he's enormous and long for Pete's sake! I didn't have any idea before that it could be this good. I wasn't sure if I could still do it at first, but he's giving me more than I bargained for.

"Mon amour, you're giving me an addiction."

As Mateo kissed my neck and licked my flesh, I shook my head all over. The fresh air from my balcony was adding a feel to our scenario. I'm doomed. I groaned again and again. It seemed like the best day of my life with him.

I met Mateo. Every thrust I receive, I follow and I try to reciprocate. I don't want to have any regrets. Every kiss he gave me I returned. His lips and movements seem to have become my teacher in this field. My tears fell again with each thrust. I can feel the closeness forming in my core. At the same time, Mateo is also letting me know that he is close. I opened my eyes to see him. His head fell to my side, and he was constantly moaning and breathing heavily. As a sign that I have been freed, I feel my body trembling. Mateo gave me a couple more thrusts when I got hot from the liquid he gave me. I can feel the rush of our combined fluids inside me. While still pushing himself inside of me, I heard him cuss numerous times. My vision is dimming as a result of the pleasure I'm experiencing, yet the happiness I had earlier has been replaced by the despair that has wrapped my entire soul.

He rested for a moment, and immediately stood up. My sight was on him, wondering what he would do. He turned his back to me and washed his face with his palm. For me, it's like he's coming to his senses. He then quickly put on his clothes. At the same time, he picked up his phone, which was ringing. I wrapped myself in the blanket and fixed myself on the other side.

"Go to my place. I'll be there in a minute. Just wait for me, okay?... Don't cry, I'm coming."

I smiled involuntarily. What a shame on me.

From the corner of my eye, I could see his gaze returning to me. I didn't react. My tears are still flowing. After he took me to heaven, he quickly dropped me back to hell.

Ano pa bang inaasahan ko?

"Take a pill after you recover, Fayra. I don't want any—"

"I will take a pill, Mateo." I cutted him off. "Not just once, but twice for you to not take responsibility."

Hindi ako makapaniwala sa lumabas sa bibig niya. Ni hindi ko nga naisip ang bagay na iyon. He's playing safe by making me hurt for one last moment.

Wala na akong narinig pa mula sa kaniya. Ang tanging lumukob lang sa kuwarto ko ay ang pagbukas at pagsara ng pinto.

"You're so painful to love, Mateo. I'm so sick of my love for you."

Rose was still on his mind after what we did. I feel like one of those woman who, when they're done doing what their lust wants, they split up. The fact that Mateo makes me feel that... I don't know anymore. I don't know how to feel or what to think. I'm fucking drained. I don't know myself anymore. My emotions and my mental health are like giving up.

I dressed myself after I lay down for a couple of minutes. I wiped my tears and faced the mirror. I should recover for my own sake. Even if it's hard, I need to do it. I'll be better. better than now. better than I could.

I take out my guitar and play my favorite tune. I remembered my dad. The way I wanted to be treated was all because of what I saw in him. He's making my mother a queen. Pouring his love for her and making sure that my mom was the only one in his life to spend it on.

I shut my eyes and began to sing. At the moment, all I want is a good man like my dad. I want a man who can love and accept me for who I am. A man who thinks I'm worth having on. Not a man who only knows how to make me suffer, even just for a couple of months of our marriage.

"I need a man who's patient and kind... Gets out of the car and hold the door. I wanna slow dance in a living room like, we're eighteen at senior prom and grow... Old with someone who makes me feel young... I need a man who loves me like... My father loves my mom."

But the funny part here is that I don't need a man anymore. I only want myself for me. I don't want to love again.

Love was... traumatizing and I'm scared of it.

...

"Like my father" was the song Fayra was singing. It's soothing to be heard, try to listen :)