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Anirudh's POV

Capt. Ved Srivastava

Bhaiya's journals?

My eyes got fixed, the moment my gaze fell upon them. I slowly picked each one by one, standing up. There were three olive green colours with Bhaiya's name written in golden-hued alphabets, making it more prominent. Captain Ved Srivastava, the name itself holds so much power. I felt a sudden charge coursing in my veins as I traced the golden lines culminating together into his name.

But soon the heartache, the pain of losing him and the truckload of memories came rushing in and engulfed me in its clutches. Our childhood, fights, pranks, teasings, and every other bitter-sweet memory assaulted me. I have been avoiding this very feeling for months now and had buried it deep inside, or that is what I pretended. Whereas, the reality is he has been there all along just underneath my skin and not buried away. He was literally the light in our lives. Has anybody been able to cast it out? No, right! I was all the way pretending with a facade on. Was there any choice left?

I couldn't control myself and a few teardrops fell on the diary. I immediately wiped it as fast as I could because has always made it pretty clear, we are not to mourn him for long rather we should be proud of him. How can I forget the things I preached to Deekshya? No, I am very much proud of my brother. He died fighting for our motherland, he dies a hero! And by crying, I will only lessen his honour. I'm proud and honoured that I'm his baby brother. Don't crib, Bhaiya, see; I'm not crying anymore.

Now, the big question here is: From when did Bhaiya start writing journals? Why I don't know anything about it? Does Deekshya know? And most importantly, how these diaries came here?

I never... Oh crap! I forgot. I, myself, had brought few things from his stuff and this box is one of them. His belongings were handed over to us... at his funeral. I remember that harrowed day like it just happened yesterday. It was the worst day of my life...

I lit the pyre along with Papa and watched the fire god feasting upon Bhaiya as if he was any other log kept along with him. I heard Maa's heart-wrenching cries on seeing her firstborn turn into ash. Papa tried consoling her but she has gone far deep into the woebegone and it's almost impossible to calm her down. Hence, Papa struggled to keep her in check; also, how can he console her when he himself is equally drowned in the misery. So, I swiftly moved to their side on reflex and pulled Maa into my arms. "Ani... your brother. I can't... I can't live", she cried heavily burring her head in my chest while Papa blinked away the pool of tears forming in his eyes. "Shhh... Maa, calm down!" I whispered to her but in response, she cried even more, "How are we supposed to live without him, Anirudh, how?"

Her words made me numb. I couldn't feel anything. Just the thought of living a life without Bhaiya made my blood cold. How can I survive without him? We are supposed to be together always, aren't we? Bhaiya himself promised me that he will never leave me alone. Then how can he leave me behind just like that? How dare he broke his promise?

"Mr Srivastava!", a voice brought me back to reality and I looked sideways, a uniformed officer was standing there. He had called out for Papa and Papa instantly wiped the few pearls off his cheeks, turning to the man. I know, he was wishing for a distraction and he got it in the form of the man. "We have...", the officer went on explaining something to Papa but I paid the least attention to him, for all my attention had got drawn to the things he had with him. There were olive coloured bags and a box kept over them with a little chit stick on it. That chit had Bhaiya's name written. Soon, he forwarded the stuff saying these were Bhaiya's belongings. And in a few seconds, he marched away handing over them to us but not before giving us condolence and praising Bhaiya's valiant acts. He threw a sad look towards us mother-son duo before walking away but I was too numb to react to that. 

My full attention went back to the items, and the heart's heaviness got amplified to many folds. Then the sound of the cackling woods burning in the inferno lead the reality to set in my bones, finally. 'He's gone forever. My brother is gone, forever", a drop trickled down my cheeks but I didn't bother wiping it. Maa's cries continued and I pulled her more into me, wanting to take away all her agony and somehow get some assurance from her that everything is gonna be alright. Alas! I never got the thaw...

Suddenly the sharp ringtone blew up breaking my trip down memory lane. Just then I felt wetness on my cheeks, I hurriedly wiped them off with my shoulders and answered the phone. "Hello-", I voiced but got instantly shut by the blast from the other side, "Where the hell are you, Anirudh? Why aren't you picking up my calls? I was calling you for the last TWO hours, for god's sake! What on earth kept you so busy that you didn't bother checking your phone? Why are you keeping that device if you ain't gonna use it?" 

"Oh God, shut up yaar, Yash! You're going on and on, lemme speak too", I interjected after hearing his blabberings. "Oh so now, you've got the audacity to shut me. Wow, the culprit is shutting up the police. Nice han!", he taunted. I rolled my eyes at his drama and apologised knowing his nature, "Okay, I'm sorry Dr Verma. Forgive this poor friend of yours, please!"

"Hmm, better! Chuck it, where have you been? I am calling you for the last two hours"

I chuckled at his expected reaction and replied, "I was out and left my phone here, at home"

"Out? At this hour?", he queried

I sighed hearing him in all detective mode, "Yeah, doing the thing you advised". 

"Me?"

"Offo! Leave it, yaar. I'm not a baby whom you're babysitting. Now tell me why are you being so desperate to talk to me?", I asked checking the time, "That too at 12:30 AM?"

He shot back, "I can ask you the same". I couldn't help rolling my eyes at him. He laughed before turning serious, "Okay, fine. Stop rolling your eyes, I know you better Mister. I called you to ask about Deekshya. Is she alright? Anything happened after I left?" 

At her mention, all the things that happened in between flashed across my mind. The way I brought out the truth from her, her breakdown, then our silent uneventful dinner, and finally our time at the beach. She looked so happy then, her smile was at its best and that made a way for a smile on my face. 

"Anirudh! Are you dozing off or what? ANIRUDH!", Yash's screams from the other side broke my reverie. "Yeah, yeah... I'm here", I replied. Anirudh, goddammit, concentrate on the call now.

"Did you talk to her about the treatment, meds and me?", he asked impatiently. 

"Oye! Calm down... First, she's fine now and asleep. Second, she told me what happened today and before you jump on me asking about it then lemme tell you, it's the same thing that triggered the panic attack: the blast from the past. What happened next is nothing worthy of sharing with you. And lastly, I haven't told her about the treatment", I answered all of it in one breath. Huff!

"Whatttttt???? I told you...", He got ready with his ammunition to take on me. But I was fast enough to intervene, "Hold on! Before you start getting all worked up, listen to me. I have got something related to Bhaiya", making him shut up. I peeked at the journals in my hands, "His journals. His colleague handed over these journals at his funeral and I brought them here to not let my parents lay their hands on them. But as far as, I know he never wrote journals, then what is this? Now tell me, what should I do with these? Asking you because I have no idea what to do with them".

"Are you even listening to yourself, bro? Your hands are right now on 'All about Deekshya' book, where 'how to bring Deekshya back to life 101' tips are written. And you're saying you don't know what to do. What else? Read it, man!"

"Oh, please! Have you gone nuts? Are you drunk?", I asked curiously as he is being absurd right now. How can I read Bhaiya's journal? 

"Of course, not! But I'm sure you've got a great excuse already brewing in your stupid mind to not read the journals. So, shoot!"

"Yeah, whatever! Reading journals is wrong, you know it. It's like intruding on someone's privacy. And you're asking me to read my brother's journals! It's Bhaiya's personal life and thoughts. I can't just violate his privacy. And how can you be so sure that everything written here is about Deekshya? You're insane, just burn that damn degree of yours and I'm finding my wife a new psychiatrist"

Yash scoffs, "So what do you think is written in them, Mr Know-It-All?" and I retorted immediately, "I don't know..." He cuts me off, "So, listen to me then. As you said Ved, your Bhaiya never wrote journals before but you just discovered he did. Therefore, I assumed he must have written his feelings, experiences, wishes and everything related to her in his diary as he didn't have anyone in the army base to share his thoughts with, neither you nor Deekshya. And now, you don't get jealous that he has written about her only. I'm sure as hell, Ved must have mentioned you as well..."

I heard his reasonings patiently and whispered realising how correct he is, "Umm... that makes sense". I remembered the days when Bhaiya used to share everything with me without any inhibition, before that awful night. And now, I am getting to know that he wrote journals... 

"You okay, Anirudh?" Yash asked worriedly.

"Yes, I am. Just the memories hitting hard, you know..."

"I can understand. See Anirudh, this is exactly my second reason! You never got the chance to say goodbye or have closure. As much as, you pretend that you've moved on, I can see that you haven't. No one can, as it's a great loss. This is your opportunity, buddy! Go grab it! And only you can read it. ONLY YOU!", he stressed and persisted at his point.

But still, I tried again persuading him, "No yaar, how can I? Wait...you think that we can help Deekshya using this then let's do one thing. How about we give this to her directly to read? That will work na..."

"What? No! Of course, not! These diaries will overwhelm her and pique her anxiety and might push her into depression. No one knows the things written there and if she reads them first, then... I don't need to explain it you that how disastrous it can get. For God's sake, she loves Ved and his words have the power to make or shatter her more into pieces. And I don't think, you like the 50-50 odd here, neither do I. So, it's best if you read it. Not just for her but for yourself, as well".

"But... okay fine! I'll read it", I sighed and Yash cheered, "Excellent", clearly overjoyed after making me give in to his demands. I chuckled, "I'm doing it because of you and your pressure, you get that?"

"Oh, yes, I know! Now, go sleep. It's freaking 1'o clock now", he sounded horrified, "Bye, bro! I have plenty of appointments lined up tomorrow and I'm definitely gonna be late. Good night!"

"Haha! Good night!" I wished chuckling and he hung up immediately.

My gaze again finds its way to the diaries placed on the table in front of me. I settled down while placing the phone on the table and kept looking at them, contemplating. A surge of different emotions swirls in at a time but the most prominent one being morality. Am I doing right or this is wrong? It's practically an intrusion into my elder brother's life and his feelings. No matter how close we were, still...

But then Yash's reasonings had made sense as well. This might contain some memoirs that could help us to carve out the path to Deekshya's well-being and like Yash presumed Bhaiya might have written this during his time at his base given that I know he was never into journalling. And more importantly, as Yash stressed, it could be helpful to me for getting closure as well. As much as, I have tried to put on a facade, that witty pain in ass psychiatrist friend of mine had seen through it. 

God! That freak is still messing with my thoughts. How I wish I could just shut him out! Urgh... Now, it's enough! Overthinking will get me nowhere, I better act on the impending task rather than fry my brain with confusion. I will read this, for her and me.

I grabbed the one that looked old among them. Flipping the ochre-yellowish pages using my fingers, I braced myself to explore my brother closely that too through his own words. 

Hello, my dear diary!

This is your new friend Ved Srivastava. I hope you'll accept me as yours as well... fingers are crossed tho. To be honest, I have never jotted down my thoughts before this, it's my first try at journalling. Previously, I never felt the need to. But now I do. Lately, I am finding myself unable to share my thoughts and feelings with my two human diaries. Hence, I'm here asking for your succour. They say journaling clears the mind and a mute friend like you is trustworthy and helps to figure out situations. So, will you help me? 

Nice! As of now, I'm good. My day passed by pretty well. And I'm feeling happy while talking... I mean writing to you. I'm glad I took up journaling, it DOES feel good. Thanks! I'll see you tomorrow then.

Toodles!

It was the first entry in the diary, and I could feel my heart getting heavy already. How I wish to have him near me right now and talk to him, not read this. He had mentioned his reason for journaling: he couldn't share everything with his human diaries. And by human diaries, he must have meant us: me and Deekshya. But he could've come to me anytime, I would've been there for him surely. Why did you do this Bhaiya? I don't know about her but I was always there for you, you just have to ask...

Oh, really you were always busy fighting with Deekshya and that in turn used to upset him, now you're being a saint; my subconscious taunted.

Shit, that's true! God, I was so stupid and didn't even realise that I was a jerk to my brother. But now, I have nothing left, he is gone forever. I'm sorry Bhaiya, I really am.

I turned to the next page while trying not to go on a guilt trip as I have a task at hand...

Dear Diary,

Hey, I'm back. From where should I start? I don't know how to frame my thoughts into words. I know you won't judge me but still... God, I don't know what even I'm thinking or more aptly said feeling. I know I sound confusing but please bear it with me.

It's about Priya, I have told you na about my human diaries, she is one of the two. She is my best friend, Deekshya is her actual name but I have given her this exclusive name from the day she stepped into our home. Yeah, she resides with us, after Devesh uncle's demise, her father. Although she drives me crazy she is a real sweetheart, I swear. I care for her a lot, as she has gone through a lot. I have always felt protective for her from the very start, I can never see her in pain (although I had to endure watching her writhing in pain now all is fine). She's a certain enigma in her being that can light up anyone's day if one intends to look deep into her. 

But my problem isn't about her but me. Recently... urgh I don't know how to say this. Okay, I've to do this. I don't know why but I have started noticing her more than ever, like... she piques my interest in her. Not that, I never paid heed to her but nowadays she's clouded most of my thoughts. I know this is hella weird but I can't help it. God, I'm going nuts for sure. Yes, that's it. Diary, forget this. See ya!

Toodles!

Wow! She gets mentioned in Bhaiya's second entry even before me.

Oh shut up, care to concentrate on the stuff written and not start your usual green-monster mode. You're such a jealous freak, my mind chided bringing sense to me.

I jumped to the last para to read the rest.

Hmm, so this was the time when Bhaiya's perfect feather's got ruffled. A giggle left my mouth reading the cute confusing confession of my elder brother which he has written years ago... I wish I would've paid more attention to him all those years ago, then I would've got ample opportunities to tease the hell out of him. Although I am sure if I would've got even a smell of the things brewing in Bhaiya's heart then I would've straight away despised the very thought of it and stopped him from pursuing her just like the day I did later on that is a few years before. And I still don't regret it as I'm still not over the past, I do get the suffering of hers but I still hold her responsible.

Dear Diary,

Today was a great day. I spent the whole day with Chote as it was Saturday. I purposely avoided Priya so that I could get my thoughts straight. We played cricket, went to our secret hideout and gorged upon some good fast food as Maa wasn't there to stop us. Hehehe! In short, we had a blast until... Let's say, my two most favourite people in this whole world doesn't get along and probably hate each with all their heart. Even if they adore me, they can't stand each other. And yet again, they fought the instant we came back from the bro's outing.

As usual, it was Chote who ensued the melee and Priya being herself didn't back down. If not for the arrival of Papa, they would've killed each other. Even after that, they're shooting daggers and spewing venom through their eyes at each other on the dining table. Our parents don't know about their rivalry and that's why I always get entangled in between this foe-for-life.

Priya and Chote, I wish I could tell them how important they're to me and I don't like them fighting like cats and dogs. Alas!

Toodles!

Oh, yeah! I remember that day vividly. Ved Bhaiya and I finally got out of the house after so long that too without her. I was extremely happy that day. As he has mentioned we had a blast that day. Well, every moment spent with him is dear to me, and they're now dearer than ever. 

Huff! It wasn't me... she wasn't shooting daggers through her eyes when we stepped into the house as if I had taken away her most precious possession as if Bhaiya was only hers and not mine. That spoilt my mood and being the hot-headed one, I burst out without any second thoughts and she didn't back of as well. If not for Papa, then we would've surely pulled out each other's hair. We were teens back then and the burning fire of ages of animosity spurn up every now and then. But now, I am realising how much hurt Bhaiya used to get because of our stupidity. Sorry Bhaiya, please forgive us.

As I turned the next page, a little drop escapes its confines but I didn't bother wiping it off.

Hey Diary,

I don't have much time as Anirudh has suddenly started studying overnight, courtesy of his upcoming exams. So, I can't write to you in his presence because he is a hell of a spy and will cause a ruckus, for sure, if he ever comes to know of my journaling. I might also write to you after a few days, once he stops his overnights.

So, today's highlight was: I talked to both of them. Priya as usual seemed more understanding and about Chote, I'm a little sceptical. Although he assured me that he will watch out for his tongue, his tone lacked sincerity. And Priya also said she'll avoid unnecessary fights. Nevertheless, I can just hope they stick to their words. And clinging to hope is hard. This reminds me, I had hoped and expected for those weird thoughts of mine to die down by now but it seems I'm failing. It's like I'm failing in almost everything, I am being unable to stitch my loved ones together, ward of these wrong thoughts and even literally flunk my class test. Thank God, it was just a regular class test or else... Pheww!

See you after few days! Toodles!

Hahaha! Bhaiya was being a scared kitten... He's so dramatic, I tell you. This is nothing, he's a drama king in reality. Only here, he's being broody and all.

I remember talking to him about this, and I had promised half-heartedly that I'll avoid feuds with her. That was the only time, I fake promised, I guess. 

Well, the hope he clung to back then really paid off, but it took really long as he is himself not here to witness the healthy truce between us. Bhaiya you were the best in everything. You've excelled in everything, you never failed. Period.

Dear Diary,

It's been a month, we talked. Thanks to my brother's all-nighters. Anyways, as I had said to you before I had called for a truce in between the loggerheads, that's what I thought or more aptly put made to believe. They literally made me believe that they're on good terms and me being the dumbhead trusted them blindly. Nevertheless, their theatrics didn't last long as I caught them today fighting over something in their class when I visited them during the lunch break. Now, I'm not talking to either as a punishment. Not that they haven't tried to win me over yet, they did but I ain't gonna give away this time.

Moving on, that part of the year is approaching. The most dreaded part. Devesh uncle's death anniversary and Priya's birthday. She hasn't realised it yet but soon she will. I don't know what has the future stored in its pandora box this time. But I hope it won't be devastating for her as before. I can only hope...

Hope, is such a small word but has such depth and immense power in it. And it's very hard to hold on to that.

Toodles!

Ahh! I remember this... we faked being friends with each other for his sake. It was my idea and she gladly accepted it as Ved Srivastava is the only person which has always brought us to the same plane. Just like the way he is the reason we're standing at this point in our lives. 

As my eyes moved onto the last para, realisation struck me. I quickly looked at the calendar kept on the table that showed next month is the same part of the year Bhaiya has mentioned in there. Goddammit! There's less than a fortnight for her worst part of the year to arrive. And this time no one is here except me. How am I going to help her?

My attention went back to the journals resting in my hands and I sighed recalling Yash's words: 'Your hands are right now on 'All about Deekshya' book, where 'how to bring Deekshya back to life 101' tips are written... Read it, man!'

Yes, hopefully, I will find some things in these that could help me. I've to complete these as fast as possible. I hope, Yash is right. So, that this time she doesn't relive her worst nightmares again. Bhaiya, please help me. She needs our help!

Dear Diary,

The two little munchkins of my life are the best thing ever to happen to me, I swear. Yes, they got successful in melting me into puddles by using their sorry cards, chocolates and how can I forget their cute puppy sorry faces. I couldn't help laughing at them and forgot all the previous disappointment. They even made noodles for me, together. Can you believe it? They literally worked together (with some help from Lalu Kaka, of course) to earn my forgiveness. I always knew that if they'll work as a team, they'll rock it for sure and that's what happened exactly. The noodles were yummy and we all, along with our parents, spent the evening well.

But unknown to everyone, I saw what happened in the kitchen. Anirudh tried to do everything all by himself and not let Priya do her part. Although it wasn't obvious to Lalu Kaka I caught it in a few minutes of sneaking as I know what he thinks. Nevertheless, thanks to Kaka's presence there, Chote's intention didn't work out well and she did her part.

The truce between them seems good for now, as I and my indifference towards them made the way for its initiation. But till how long, it's gonna last no one knows. Both are stubborn but Chote's jealousy is the foundation brick of their sour bond. They would've made a great friendship if not like me and Priya but at least a cordial healthy one. But the way things played out after Priya's arrival made the jealousy concrete in Anirudh's mind.

He thinks she stole me and our parents from him; our love, care, adoration, attention, everything he gets from all of us. Maybe certain things would've happened back then that led to the birth of this jealousy and animosity, but we all never differentiated between the two. Yes, our attention did divert mostly to Priya but she needed that at that time. She had just lost her anchor, her father that too just a week before her tenth b'day, she was devastated to her very core and needed help to get back to reality and not slip into the dark dungeons of suffering and taunts thrown at her by the damned society. And in all this mess, Chote being the little pampered child of the house felt we didn't care for him anymore, that we love Priya more than him. Then with time, this chaos along with Priya's worsening state that attracted all of our attention to her well-being, feed the spite Anirudh carried for her a permanent resident in his conscience, that still thrives in him.

I don't know how to show him the reality, that it's all in his mind and we love them equally. That he will always remain my baby brother and she... well not now (next time) That our parents love the three of us, equally. And after what has happened recently, I've realised one thing that he has to understand that how wrong he is and his jealousy is, all by himself. Nobody can make him understand, not even me. It has to be him, only. One day, he'll surely see the truth and that day he'll regret all the things he did to her or he will be doing to her. And I hope, that day comes faster before it gets too late

Gosh! I have written so much today, it is almost a rant. Hahaha! See ya!

Toodles!

(To be continued...)

4772 Words.

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So, Ved is finally here! Wohouuuu! What do you think about him?

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~Signing off: Akankshya~

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