[A/N - Wait to play the song 🌹]

"In case you don't live forever, let me tell you now. I love you more than you'll ever wrap your head around. In case you don't live forever, let me tell you the truth. I'm everything that I am because of you."
~Ben Platt, 'In Case You Don't Live Forever'

~~~

*Landon's POV*

Blocking out Ryland calling my name, I turn and run out of his house as quickly as my legs will take me. My lungs burn as I force myself to keep running and running, trying to outrun the heavy feeling of guilt crushing my heart.

Leo shouts at me, begging for me to turn around and go back to our mate. I can feel Ryland's pain burning through our bond, only tripling the amount of pain I'm currently in. I'm not exactly sure where I'm running to, but that doesn't stop my legs from carrying me as fast as possible.

The muscles in my legs begin to burn, signaling I've been running for a lot longer than I realize. With my chest aching, I collapse to my knees near a clear stream. Forming a cup with my hands, I collect some of the cool water to splash on my face, wiping away the built up sweat.

'Landon, I swear to our goddess above, if you don't go back—' Leo begins to threaten with a growl, but I quickly cut him off.

"Shut up!" I shout out loud, covering my ears with my hands. "Just shut up!"

The roaring in my ears doesn't die down as the fierce pounding of my heart causes the blood to run heatedly through my body. I can't do this. What the hell was I thinking, trying to be in a relationship again? He's only going to get hurt, or leave me, or do both at the same time, just like Easton.

I can't.
I can't.
I can't.

A hand falls on my shoulder, making me release a barked shout when I stumble and fall face-first into the stream. I sputter, coughing up water as I raise my head to my assailant.

The glare on my face instantly falls away when I recognize the ebony goddess standing before me. The sun shines behind her as a halo of light, causing a strange ease to mix in with my hurricane of inner turmoil.

"Elder Joan," I choke out awkwardly, scrambling to my feet. I attempt to adjust my dampened clothing, but the fabric insists on sticking uncomfortably to my skin.

"Landon Grey," the warm timbre of her voice soothes me as she smiles. "I thought I sensed a lost pup."

My face flushes, and I duck my head in an attempt to hide it. "H-How did you find me?"

"You seem to forget that I have a unique connection to our Moon Goddess. I can sense when one of our own is in distress."

Furrowing my brows, I raise my head. "But I'm not a part of your pack."

Joan's smile widens. "We are all Her pups. Whether or not you're a member of this pack is irrelevant. Come on, let's go."

"Go where?"

"To my cottage. You look like you could use some tea and a nice chat."

***

I squirm around on the floor, a small cushion tucked beneath me. I'll never understand how people prefer this over chairs, but to each their own. When we first arrived to her cottage, Joan pointed me in the direction of the bathroom.

Apparently, I — as she so nicely put it — smelled like an Elven bowel movement.

Freshly showered and fully dressed in clean clothes, I absentmindedly rub my damp hair with a towel. Joan sits at my left, pouring steaming-hot mint tea into a cup.

"Thank you," I murmur as she hands me the cup. The porcelain feels nice on my cold fingers, and I tentatively sip the hot liquid.

"I hope you like it. It's much better than those bitter herbs you've been taking each month," Joan winks at me, and my cheeks heat up.

"I-It's very good," I carry on awkwardly, not really in the mood to talk about our heats. "Where did you get these clothes?"

She smiles sadly. "My late mate. The Alpha before my son, Thomas, took over the pack. He passed away a few years ago from illness. I'm blessed with my connection to our goddess, so I can still feel him with me every day."

My eyes widen slightly at that. "That's incredible, that you can still sense him when he's gone."

"One of the perks to being an elder. Now," Joan sighs, folding her arms on the low table. "Care to share what's on your mind?"

Biting my lower lip, I stare down at my cup, pretending to be suddenly fascinated with the richly-colored liquid inside. "It's... complicated."

She laughs heartily. "My dear, there's nothing too complicated for an elder to understand. That's what we're here for. Go on now, get it off your chest. My mind and ears are open."

I hesitate, not sure how much I should reveal. Would she turn around and tell Ryland what we talked about? Though I may not know Joan very well, she doesn't seem like that type of person. She's warm and kind, emitting a comforting aura that makes me feel like I can trust her.

"It's Ryland," I confess, and Joan hums in understanding.

"You haven't mated yet," she comments simply, without question or judgement behind her tone. The small shake of my head is enough to answer her statement. "I assume he's told you the consequences of that."

"Just this morning," I tell her, causing her eyebrows to raise in surprise. "Actually, he didn't even tell me directly. I overheard him talking about it."

"How does that make you feel? Ryland not telling you directly, I mean."

"Like shit," I blurt before grimacing apologetically for my language. "So many things are rushing through my brain all at once, and it's making my head pound."

"Talk to me," Joan offers. "Get it off your chest. You'll be surprised how much better you feel afterwards."

And so I do. I tell her how my relationship with Ryland has been growing in the last few months, and how deep my feelings for him have become. She smiles, nodding along to let me know that she's actively listening without interrupting. I tell her about the conversation I overheard, dropping my voice to nearly a whisper when I repeat Ryland's confession.

"He told me he loves me," I say lowly, shaking my head. "And I... I ran away. Holy shit, what did I do?" I cover my face with my hands. "He's probably so heartbroken right now. Oh goddess, what if he thinks I rejected him? I need to go back and—"

"And what?" Joan cuts in. "You should take a second to think before acting. What do you plan on doing when you go back to Ryland? Are you going to tell him you love him? That you're ready to mate with him?"

I open my mouth to respond, but nothing comes out. What am I going to say? Sensing my hesitation, Joan moves on with her questions.

"What's holding you back?" She asks, reaching over to place her warm hand over mind. A wave of comfort washes over me, and I wonder if that's the effect of being an elder, or simply how Joan has been her entire life.

"The last man I said 'I love you' to killed himself," I begin, my voice already starting to wobble. "I'm scared of loving again, of giving my all to someone else and then watching them leave."

"Has Ryland ever given you a reason to believe he would leave?"

"No," I shake my head, staring down at the cup of tea that has grown cold. "But neither did Easton until it was too late."

Joan remains quiet, only rubbing her hand soothingly over mine. I take a deep breath, trying to keep myself from crying as I continue on.

"And then there's the guilt," I choke out, those forbidden tears finally forcing their way out. "Goddess, there's so much guilt. I feel like I'm cheating on Easton, which is insane because he's gone. He left me. But that d-doesn't make it any easier to move on. And t-then I also feel guilty for thinking about Easton, when I should be focused on Ryland. I-It's like my heart is spilt between the two of them, and I don't know h-how to cope with it."

"Landon," Joan says softly as she squeezes my hand in hers. "Feeling this way is completely normal. You went through something that every wolf fears. You lost your mate, the one you were destined to spend your life with. It doesn't matter how long it's been; you experienced something traumatic and you're healing in your own way."

"But t-that's the thing," I cry, trying to wipe my tears with my free hand. "I don't f-feel like I'm h-healing in any way. It's like I'm stuck in one p-place, unable to m-move forward. A-And I want to. I want to move f-forward with Ryland."

Joan purses her lips as she studies me for a moment. She inhales deeply through her nose, closing her eyes as she begins to hum. My crying quiets down as I watch her, confused about what's going on.

A gasp flies past her lips as her back straightens; her eyes popping open. Only this time, they're a startling white that matches the crescent mark on her forehead, which has begun to glow.

Electric tingles shoot up my arm from where she's holding my hand, making my soul buzz with life. Leo howls, only it's not from distress. It's from... elation.

"Someone wishes to speak with you," Joan states, her voice split into two tones, making her sound otherworldly.

"What? Who?"

"You'll have five minutes," she carries on, staring straight ahead as her white eyes glow brightly. "Since human souls are not permitted in the the Moon's spirit world, you will not be allowed to touch anything. Leo's soul will be temporarily detached from yours, as he will one day return to that world."

"The spirit world?" My jaw drops, not even bothering to question how she knew my wolf's name at this point. "How—"

"Find your peace," Joan whispers just before the electric tingles in my arm spread throughout my whole body. I gasp as I suddenly feel as if I've been engulfed by flames, and everything turns white.

***

[A/N - Play the song 🌹]

The blinding whiteness fades away as I blink my eyes rapidly. Shock and confusion floods me as I look around, no longer standing inside Joan's cottage.

I'm on a... beach?

My bare feet sink slightly into the soft white sand; the waves lapping at the shore so dark, they are nearly black. The stars shine brilliantly above me, much brighter than they are in the human world. In the middle of the sky sits a golden moon, governing the spirit world. Upon looking at the moon, I feel my heart soar knowing I'm seeing our Moon Goddess as she watches over her pups.

The sound of whimpering next to me grabs my attention, and I nearly fall over from the shock.

Leo?

His sliver-grey fur shimmers beneath the glow of the moon as he looks at me with bright blue eyes. I've never seen my wolf outside of myself... it's pretty fucking weird, to say the least.

Reaching forward, I try to run my fingers through his fur, but my hand goes right through him. That's when I notice my arm is translucent; the world around me able to be seen through my arm.

'Since human souls are not permitted in the the Moon's spirit world, you will not be allowed to touch anything.'

Joan's instructions return to me, and I let my arm drop to my side. The sound of sand shifting pulls my attention, I turn around to look behind me.

A large wolf with brown-red fur walks over to us, his massive paws not leaving any prints in the sand. Leo stumbles next to me as he releases a high-pitched whine, and my eyes begin to water.

"E-Elias?"

The wolf shifts swiftly; the sound of bones cracking completely absent. I drop to my knees upon seeing the human form of Easton, and I cover my mouth as I begin to sob. He kneels in front of me, flashing me a lopsided smile.

"Hello, Landon," Elias's voice makes my heart crack wide open; his voice was always much deeper than Easton's.

Leo tentatively walks over to Elias, sniffing his hand. Smiling, Elias runs his fingers through Leo's fur as tears slip down from his blue eyes, soaking his silver fur. Leo rolls to the ground, curling himself around Elias.

"How is this possible?" I whisper.

"Our Goddess is very generous," Elias responds with a slight echo to his voice. "We don't have much time."

"No! Five minutes isn't enough. I have so much to ask you, to say to you. I need—"

"Landon," Elias gently cuts me off. "I requested your presence so I could speak to you about Ryland and River."

Leo's head perks up at the mentions of our mates... which sounds strange coming from the mouth of our previous mate.

"I've been watching over you for the past five years," Elias tells us. "Leo, it hurt to see you suffering for so long. I'm so sorry, baby. You need to know that I never wanted to leave."

More tears pour from Leo's eyes, and he snuggles in closer to Elias. The latter smiles softly, dipping down to kiss the top of Leo's head. He looks back up at me, trying to keep his own tears at bay.

"This isn't something the Moon usually allows, having a human soul enter the wolf spirit realm. But I pleaded with her, knowing you need to hear this," Elias says seriously, and my breath hitches. "It wasn't your fault."

A sob rises in my throat. "E-Elias..."

"Listen to me. I don't care who has told you otherwise, but our death was not your fault. It was no one's fault. Not even Easton's."

My brows furrow. "W-What do you m-mean?"

Elias bites his bottom lip in contemplation. "Easton... suffered. For a long time. Long before he met you. He dealt with more issues than I'm sure he'd want me to tell you about."

"What?" I gasp. "Why didn't he tell me?"

"Easton was the Alpha. He thought he needed to stay strong at all times, in front of everyone. When things got too tough, he even blocked me out from his thoughts. I didn't even know he was going to..." he trails off, exhaling shakily. Leo licks his hand in an attempt to comfort him.

"But I was his mate!" I exclaim. "He could've—"

"We're almost out of time," Elias interrupts. "My point is... it wasn't your fault. Easton was sick and didn't know how to ask for help. He loved you very much, just as I loved and still love Leo. He would want you to be happy." Elias looks down at Leo, brushing away tears on his fur. "I want you to be happy. And if that happiness is Ryland and River... don't waste that gift. It's okay to love again."

A crushing weight is lifted off my shoulders as I sob, only this time it's from relief and happiness. I want so badly to embrace him, but I settle for wrapping my arms around myself as Elias holds onto Leo.

"Elias, I wanted to tell you," I begin, trying to keep my voice steady. "Everything that I am... I owe to you and Easton."

He shakes his head. "No, Lan. Your strength comes from within yourself. Easton may have help you discover a fraction of that strength, but the rest of it comes from you."

I want to protest, but Elias is quick to cut me off.

"Our time is up," his voice breaks slightly. "Know that we're always watching over you. Be well, my loves."

"Wait, Eli—"

And the world turns white.

***

The whiteness fades, and I'm back in Joan's cottage, tears still streaming down my face. I can feel Leo shaking inside my mind, both from sadness and overwhelming gratitude for the time we got with Elias.

"Did you find the peace you were looking for?" Joan asks softly, her eyes returned to their normal dark coloring.

Still in shock, I chuckle and wipe my face. "I did. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a mate I need to go see."

I stand up, my legs shaky from the whirlwind I just experienced. Joan steadies me, rubbing my back until the strength returns to my legs.

"Thank you," I whisper to her. "For everything."

Joan smiles warmly. "Go. Be with your love."

I smile widely at that last word. My love. The clouds in my mind have parted, letting rays of sunshine burst through and provide clarity.

I'm in love with Ryland.

It's okay to love Ryland.

And I need to tell him. Now.

~~~

I wanted to cry the ENTIRE TIME they were in the spirit world ;-; like, wow

What did you guys think of that?? Did you like it?? I've had it planned for so long and I loved writing about it

Thoughts??

This is one of my favorite chapters I've ever written tbh

Oh, this is a mood-ruiner, but I made Sims of Landon and Ryland lol

I really love the one for Landon, but I'm not sure about the one for Ryland 🤔 Although I do love him in yellow

Q: Do you prefer light-hearted & smutty books, or emotional & deep books?
[As much as I love smut, the emotional & deep books are the ones I get hooked on]

See you next time!
-Gumbie