^ Picture of Easton Butler 🥺

TRIGGER WARNING: anxiety attack

"So, before you go, was there something I could've said to make your heart beat better? If only I'd have known you had a storm to weather."
~Lewis Capaldi, 'Before You Go'

~~~

*Landon's POV*

The guard wolves at the entrance of the Crescent Sun Pack give me a friendly smile as they see me approaching. I wave as I drive past the gates, making the familiar drive to Ryland's house.

Lately, it's been nearly painful to be away from Ryland. Scratch that — it is painful to be away from him. My chest aches, as if my heart longs to be near him again.

Out of the corner of my eye, I spot a familiar head of dark red hair, and slam on the breaks. No.

'It can't be,' Leo whimpers in my head.

My breathing begins to pick up as my chest tightens with panic. Why is he here? He can't be here. Turning my head, dread settles in when I confirm that he wasn't a figment of my imagination.

Leon.

He halts walking to look up curiously when I abruptly stop the car. When our eyes meet, his green eyes darken considerably. Greens eyes that match those of Easton's, only Leon's are full of burning hatred.

A low growl rumbles, shaking the earth. Gulping, I make the stupid decision of leaving the safety of my car.

"Leon," I choke out, already nearly crying. He used to practically be my brother-in-law, and now all the love he once held for me has been replaced with contempt. "What are you doing here?"

"You don't get to question me," he spits back with a growl. "You lost your right to ask me anything when you killed my brother."

"I didn't kill him!" I shout, years of suppressed anger boiling over. "Those rogues tormented him! He was suffering, no matter what we tried to do to help!"

"It was your job to protect him! If you had done your one job as Luna, Easton wouldn't have been taken, and he wouldn't have hurt himself. He died because you failed as his mate!"

I clench my fists so tightly that my nails dig into my palm. I want to scream that it wasn't only my responsibility to protect Easton. Their family shared that responsibility, and we all failed. But I would never say that. I know how badly it hurts to have that thrown into your face. Easton had struggled with anxiety and depression for a long time after he was rescued. Even with all of our support and therapy, the storm he weathered never seemed to let up. And it's not fair of us to go back and forth, placing the blame on one another.

"Think what you want," I respond dryly. "I have somewhere to be."

I've barely turned to walk away when I hear footsteps pounding on the sidewalk, rushing towards me. Leon whips me around, delivering a solid punch to my jaw.

"Don't walk away from me!" Leon shouts, grabbing the front of my shirt. "Why are you here, anyway? Does this pack have a habit of picking up strays?"

"I'm here to see my mate," I answer without thinking. Leon releases my shirt, eyes widening as his face pales.

"W-What did you just say?" He whispers in shock.

There's no use in lying about it now. While I didn't really plan on telling the Butlers about my mate, I can't go back now.

"After I— we lost Easton, the Moon Goddess granted me a second mate. We met a month ago at your coronation."

"Ryland," Leon says, making me blink. "Your mate is Ryland?"

"How do you know that?"

"Roselyn heard about Ryland finding a second mate. Never in a thousand lifetimes would I have guessed it would be you," Leon's face contorts in disgust. "I can't believe this. You get to move on and be happy with your new mate, while my brother lays six feet under."

'That was a low blow,' Leo growls, wanting to push forward and attack Leon's wolf, Levi.

"That's not fair," I say lowly. "You can't blame me for not rejecting the Moon's gift. It doesn't mean I love Easton any less."

"Doesn't it?! You promised my brother you would be together for the rest of your lives, and now..." tears well up in his green eyes, breaking my heart. "Now..."

Without warning, I yank Leon into my arms. His arms instinctively wrap around me, in the same way he did all those years ago.

"Now he's gone," Leon sobs, burying his face in my shoulder. "My brother's gone."

"I know," I murmur, tears pouring down my face. "I miss him too. I miss him so fucking much it hurts."

Leon lets himself cry in my arms, and for a few moments, he feels like my little brother again.

Until he roughly pushes me away, wiping his face angrily.

"This doesn't mean you're forgiven," he tells me, his eyes bloodshot from crying. "I don't want to see you again. If I do, I'll do a hell of a lot more than punch you."

He vanishes, clearly using his Alpha speed to get away from me. A fractured wall within me breaks, and I fall to my knees. Sobs wrack my body as memories of Easton and Leon flash through my mind, and panic wells up in me.

I'm hyperventilating, gripping my hair as I'm hit with a full-blown panic attack. The air feels limited in my lungs as the atmosphere closes in around me. My ears barely register the sound of someone shouting my name as they run towards me.

"Landon?" Someone shakes my shoulders, trying to get my attention. My eyes are screwed shut as my chest heaves up and down. "Shit, Landon, can you hear me?"

I want to nod my head, but my body refuses to do anything, locking up in a state of panic. Arms wrap around me, pulling me close and humming soft words in my ear. The scent of honey and vanilla invades my senses, forcing my body to calm down.

Ryland...

It takes me a moment to realize that I'm on the ground, sitting in Ryland's lap as he rocks me back and forth. His mumbled words become audible as I slowly snap out of my trance.

"You're safe," Ryland's saying softly. "You're okay. I'm here. Take deep, slow breaths. It's okay, baby. You're safe."

I follow his calm instructions, inhaling and exhaling deeply until my body has ceased shaking. I lift my head to look at Ryland, and he gives me a soft smile.

"Hi," he whispers.

"Hi," I whimper back, still holding onto him. "How'd you know how to do that?"

"I've had a few panic attacks before. I just did what Kai always does for me. I'm guessing you ran into Leon?"

"You knew he was here?"

Ryland nods his head. "Lyn showed up unannounced with Leon. I was going to have them leave before you showed up, but he kind of took off on his own. I'm sorry, Lan. Did something happen?"

I manage a dry chuckle. "Lots of shouting, pointing fingers, the usual."

He cups my face, rubbing his thumb over my blotchy cheek soothingly. "How are you feeling?"

"Drained," I tell him honestly. "I think I need to lay down for a bit."

"Of course, babe. Come on, let's go to my house and you can take a nap."

Ryland helps me off the ground, and I suddenly feel embarrassed about having a panic attack out in the open, in the middle of his pack. He puts his hand on my back and ushers me to his house, not giving me a chance to linger on those thoughts.

By the time we get to the house, Lyn and Leon are gone. I exhale in relief, trudging up the stairs while my body begins to feel heavier and heavier. Exhaustion begins to overtake me as the events of this day catch up to me. Running into Leon, fighting and hugging him, having a panic attack... it was a lot.

Ryland pulls his comforter back, helping me strip down to my underwear so I can comfortably crawl into his bed. My eyelids grow heavy as Ryland lays down next to me, pulling my body closer to him until my head is resting on his chest. I hug his waist, snuggling him and breathing in his sweet scent until I fall asleep.

| SIX YEARS AGO |

"You cheated!" Leon accused with a pout directed at his father. Silas chuckled at the 16-year-old, tousling his dark red hair.

"Maybe you're just a sore loser," Silas pointed out, taking his seat. "Your team is up!"

Leon huffed and stood from the couch, facing me and Easton. "You guys ready?"

"Fuck yeah!" Easton shouted, earning a glare from his mother, Celeste.

"Language," Celeste scolded him, but Easton only laughed. His laughter was bright and twinkling, making it impossible for even Celeste to stay made at him. She ended up cracking a smile and letting Easton off the hook.

"Okay, focus!" Leon snapped his fingers at us. He reached into the plastic bowl on the table, pulling out a folded up piece of paper and reading it. Nodding his head, he stuffed the paper into his back pocket.

Leon rolled on the ground, lifting his fingers as if shooting pistols. I furrowed my brows, trying to figure out what he could possible be miming.

"War?" Easton guessed, and Leon shook his head. "Robots? Assassin? Sandwich!"

"How would that possibly be sandwich?" I questioned him, and he flashed me a crooked smile.

"Just saying whatever pops into my head, pumpkin."

"I don't get why I'm the pumpkin when you're the one with orange hair."

"They say when two wolves mate, their souls become one," Easton grinned cheekily. "That means if I'm a pumpkin, so are you."

I rolled my eyes, turning my attention back to Leon. "James Bond."

Leon's eyes lit up and he jumped in the air. "Yes! Good job." He high-fived me before glaring at Easton. "Sandwich? Really? Landon, you're my only brother now."

"Hurtful!" Easton faked a pout, crossing his arms over his chest. I leaned over and kissed his subtly cheek.

"It's okay, babe. I still love you, even if you're a little bit stupid," I told him, batting my eyes. Easton wrinkled his nose and pushed me away.

"You guys suck."

"Oh really? 'Cause I've heard you swallow," Leon fired back.

Celeste gasped, and Silas stifled a laugh. I clutched my stomach as I doubled over with laughter at the look of shock on Easton's face.

"You're gonna get it now, pumpkin," Easton growled playfully, making me squeal when he grabbed me around the waist, hoisting me off the ground.

"Put me down!" I shrieked, although laughter was still pouring past my lips.

"Anyone wanna guess what I'm acting out?" Easton shouted with me flung over his shoulder.

Leon shrugged. "That's usually how you carry a bag of trash."

Easton gaped at him, plopping me down onto the couch before tackling his younger brother to the ground. The two wrestled, with Easton barking at him to apologize for indirectly calling me trash. Leon eventually caved, apologizing and giving me a shy hug.

I shook my head, wrapping my arm around Easton's waist. He smiled brilliantly at me, pressing a kiss to my temple.

I had the craziest family.

| PRESENT DAY |

My eyes are slow to open, still puffy from crying earlier. The pillow beneath my head is firm, gently rising up and down. I finally manage to open my eyes, blinking the sleep away and focusing on the room around me. Ryland's bedroom. I lift my head, realizing my pillow was actually Ryland's bare chest.

"You're awake," Ryland remarks, brushing my hair away from my forehead. "How do you feel?"

"Better," I croak, voice a bit raspy. "Although my head kind of hurts."

"I'll get you some medicine," Ryland starts climbing out of bed, but I grip his wrist to stop him.

"Wait. Can you... stay here with me? The headache will go away on its own, just... don't leave."

Ryland gazes at me with soft, honey eyes. "Of course. I'm not going anywhere."

We settle back into bed, and I don't hesitate in placing my head back on his chest. Ryland's palm rubs up and down my bare back, nearly making me purr from how good it feels.

"I dreamt about Easton," I tell him. His hand pauses for a fraction of a second before resuming rubbing my back.

"Do you want to talk about it?" He offers.

"Can I? I don't want to make you uncomfortable."

"It won't. I've actually been wanting to hear more about Easton. He was a big part of your life, and he still is. I'll listen to whatever you're willing to tell me."

I press a kiss to his chest as a wordless thanks. Usually, when I think about or talk about Easton, my heart breaks all over again. But laying here with Ryland, there's only a warm fondness in my chest as I open up about my dream. Ryland listens to my story, chuckling every so often and asking random questions. I end up telling him several stories about Easton, and not once do I feel the need to break down and start crying.

For the first time, I'm able to recount my days with Easton fondly, and smile genuinely at his memory.

~~~

Sometimes you just need a good cry and a solid nap

Writing this chapter made me cry like twice. I didn't plan for it to get this emotional but I just type and let the natural story progression take over, and the words just flow out. I really love this chapter though

Also, TRIPLE UPDATE?? I just felt super inspired for this story today

Oh, FYI — if the passage is italicized and in past tense, it's a flashback. Current scenes will be in present tense

Thoughts??

Q: When was the last time you cried?
[For me, obviously while writing this lol]

Until next time!
-Gumbie