Maybe he took notice of the clicking of my fingers whenever I was anxious, or the pattern my shoes clicked against the floor to every time I sat. He noticed quite a bit about me, over time, but one thing he never knew was how to tell whether or not I was conscious. I never thought to use it to my advantage until after the incident. 

As every other time we were together in person, Poe remained in close proximity. At the end of the twin bed he sat, feet stretched out, a type of barrier against my back to ensure I didn't roll over the edge by accident. At last, a deep sigh reached my ears. I waited for him to speak. Instead, his long fingers rested on my calf, tapping, to the same rhythm my feet usually did. As soon as I recognized the rhythm, a quick smile raised my lips. 

"I've got it," he said. 

I stayed silent, wondering if he was speaking to me, or to the me he believed was unconscious. 

"It's the flinch within your fingers that's a sign of you waking up." I adjusted my head to look at him. He offered a smile. "I don't blame you for not wanting to talk. I don't expect you to want to." 

I sniffled. "I had no control."

"When have you ever?" he sighed. 

"That's not an excuse. I've always known I was dangerous, that my triggers were easily pulled. I never should have stayed on Yavin with you."

"What would have happened if you didn't?" he challenged. 

"Less people would have been harmed."

"Can't deny that. But you forget that you haven't killed any..." he stopped, when my eyes left his. His head slowly dropped. "Oh, love..."

"You don't have to say it. I know I'm a monste--"

"Don't you dare say that word," he snapped. Poe reached for my chin, forcing our eyes together again. "You are not a monster. Monsters don't feel remorse. Monsters don't feel."

"If I'm not a monster, what am I?"

"You are a good person, who's occasionally poisoned by the darkness inside."

I paused. "Oddly precise."

"The dark side exists within all of us. Yours is heightened," said Poe thoughtfully. He caressed my cheek. "It's my fault you went through this. If I hadn't missed you, if I'd just gone to Jakku by myself, you wouldn't have broke."

"You couldn't have known the First Order was going to attack," I said.

"But I knew there was a chance. I shouldn't have put you in that situation," he argued.

It was at that moment when a group of Cadets decided to pass through the corridor of the room Poe and I sat in. We refrained from trying to speak over their obnoxious laughter, which forced us to listen to a man's speech. "...imagine the reward we'd get for giving her to Ren."

"Didn't he kill the remaining Jedi?" asked a woman.

"Whatever that girl is, she ain't a Jedi," said the first man. "I say we kidnap her."

"And risk getting ourselves killed? Didn't you see that lightning? She's dangerous."

"Which is exactly why we have to take action against her. You see..." the speech continued, though Poe and I weren't blessed enough to hear the rest. The Cadets paraded past our hall.

Poe made a movement to go after the group. I pressed my hand against his chest. Brow creased, he stared at me. "You can't expect me to sit here and do nothing while they're planning to give you a death sentence."

"He's afraid of what I can do. Do you blame him?" I asked. 

Poe's shoulders fell. 

"Poe, I can't act anymore."

"Act?" he repeated.

"I've tried to act like joining the Resistance makes up for the people I've hurt. It doesn't. I'm fooling myself into thinking I'm not dangerous," I told him.

"If you're not dangerous to me, one day, you won't be dangerous to everyone else. I believe that. You should, too," he said.

"It's peace," I mumbled. "You bring me to peace."

"Why, I'll never know, but we shouldn't question it. I think it's really cool that you don't try to kill me anymore," he said, adding a light tone of humor.

I shook my head. "You don't get it, Poe, this has to stop. I cant do this anymore. I hurt Finn. I hurt those soldiers. I slaughtered those troopers. The General's right; I am a threat."

"You snapped, sure, but you're disregarding the years you spent without a trigger being pulled. I was absent, and you were at peace," he reminded me.

"But I wasn't," I sighed. "Every single day, I struggled to keep a level head, to pretend as though people didn't bother me. Every day, I felt the crack in my chest, whether it was minute or massive."

The new information had Poe staring at me, searching for the right response. He didn't find one. All he could utter was a question: "What kept you from breaking?" 

I sat closer to him. I applied his fingers on the rip in my jeans. His fingers fumbled against the scar on my thigh. It was short, deep. Automatically, he pulled his hand away. "You didn't," he whispered.

"I had no choice."

"Harming yourself was--"

"--the right thing to do, because it kept the innocent people around me alive. I did the only thing I knew could keep me from having a break down," I said strongly.

Poe ran his fingers through his hair. "I never should have made you join the Resistance. It's my fault you snapped after all these years."

"Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. I don't know. What I do know is that you're here now, and I need you to help me fix this once and for all," I said.

"By doing what?" he asked.

"I need this to stop," I said bluntly. "I can't live like this anymore. This constant battle inside of me. I'm powerful, but I have never felt more powerless than when that switch flips. I need this to end, Poe. Forever."

"No. Absolutely not," he said.

I collapsed against his chest. "I just want this to end," I whimpered.

"You wanna know what I believe?" he whispered in my ear. Against my back, he ran his hands up and down. He waited for my body to stop trembling before he continued, fully knowing I was hanging on his every word. "I believe that you were given this power, this life... Because somebody knew that one day, you could handle it. Someone knew you'd be more powerful than everyone, and you'd use that power to restore peace to the galaxy."

"Whoever did that should have crafted me a better personality."

"Where's the fun in that?" asked Poe, chuckling. "Look, happy Enna, sad Enna, dark Enna... I will never leave you. Right now, I'm going to help you."

"You can't," I said. "No matter how much you try to make me forget what path I was destined to be on, the dark inside will always outweigh the light."

"You're wrong. We can fix this. Don't give up on me."

"I'm giving up on me. I can't be saved. I harmed those men with lightning, Poe. I don't know if I can come back from that."

"Do you hear yourself?" he asked. "You know what you did was wrong. "

"Yes, I don't need a reminder."

"You still feel. The moment you stop feeling, that's when you're lost. You haven't hit that. You won't. Not as long as I'm around."

"You don't know that for sure."

"You've never harmed me," he started.

"I almost killed you when we first met," I said.

"Yes, but you never harmed me with your force power," he corrected. "Why? Why is that?"

I continued to rest my forehead on his chest. "You know why."

"Say it," he challenged.

"I... feel... for you."

"Feel what?"

"Right now, annoyance," I snapped.

He cracked a smile. "I'm serious. What do you feel for me?"

"I hold admiration for you."

"Love," he corrected. "The word you're looking for is love. Well, I believe your love protects me from you. And that is our answer to controlling this power inside of you."

"It's not possible to love everyone I meet."

"But you love me, and I think that's enough to protect everyone from you. Everything you've gone through since we started this mission-- it's part of why you snapped so easily when you were attacked at Maz's and when you fought Finn. Only I brought you back into control."

"This a theory. I can't take the chance of this being wrong," I said.

"It's not going to be," he insisted. "At the end of it all, love is what can bring a person back from the dark side. I believe that. It's time you start to believe that, remember that," he said softly. His hand took my own. "And remember one other thing for me."

"What's that?" I asked.

"I love you, too."