I’m struggling today. Stumbling to explain how I can’t function, not because of my mental state but because I can’t do this anymore. Every hour, measured in how much energy I release and retain yet no matter how long I wait, what medicine I take, nothing stays the same. We eat to survive yet how can I when I’m constantly rendered to nothing more than bones which ache, not out of sympathy but out of spite.

I can’t eat. I want to, more than anything but how can I when it all goes to waste? All roads lead to hell so why bother trying when one day of sanity leads to six more of agony. I don’t hate myself. I hate how I feel, how I think, how no matter how much I try, a simple fix cannot be found for something that twists even my own mind. Illness should not equal what I am, yet when that train of thought occurs, how can I think anything less?

Everything hurts. Not enough to cry out in pain but enough to hate moving, to hate people who give advice that doesn’t apply to you. You envy those who avoid only one demon while battling a whole armada of them. You’ve done this before, but that doesn’t make it any easier. Doctors don’t help without invitation, despite the pills undeniable assistance, one false move always equals oblivion.

How can you survive on nothing? Constantly shed but nothing regained til there’s nought but ash and regret, not at what you’ve done but what you could have changed. I never wanted this, but an amalgamation of genes and genetics forced its way out of the unknown until everything which was right seemed wrong. I can’t decide whether I prefer the heart rendering pain or the endless drain, sucking me dry like I don’t matter. You suffer in this life to enjoy the next but how is that fair when getting there quicker is not allowed?

Thinking hurts. Not because of the constant food headaches but because, in your eyes, you’ve done everything you can possibly think of to resolve a situation you know you didn’t put yourself in. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t, not that I’ve stopped trying but there’s no way around something which is supposed to keep you alive. I want to go out today, truly I do. But I also want this cycle to end. Not even death will help with that.