Today Janie and I were approached by Matron Melanie, who's filling in at the Crockerie (The Old people's home across from Scrubber-Town) for Matron Maxine while she's on sick leave. She came and interrupted our lunch break in the Stuff-Ya-Face Cafe. She could have come into War Paint, where we work, and wasted our time in work hours; we resented her barging into our lunch-time.We really don't like her. She's small and like, mean-looking, with a sour expression. We like Matron Maxine, much better, cos she's friendlier and nicer; even if she is absolutely huge and insists on hugging people all the time. We often try to avoid her hugs; we only like being hugged by our friends and our boyfriends ( though at the moment they're out of reach in the detention centre, because of stopping the ambulances they were driving to discuss a party, stupid morons ).

Anyway, Matron Melanie gave us this letter she'd written. She called it a Public Notice and practically demanded that we  include it in the Scrubber-Town Saga newsletter. She shoved it in front of Janie and didn't even say thank you or how are you girls or anything,  See how rude and nasty she is. She's always going on about how rude young people are too. I accidentally-on-purpose puffed my cigarette smoke at her, then pretended to apologise. Matron Melanie strode off in a huff.

What we are really looking forward to is a performance by Wade Blade, who has a band called the Raving Lunatics. Wade is their lead singer and totally hot, but a real bad boy muso. He's going to be launching his new song, the Stalker's Serenade at the Head Banger Central music shop next week,  Friday the 13th ( yes really) and anyone can come and watch. He'll be signing copies of his new album, titled Stalker, so come along and get yours. By the way, the Raving Lunatics have a cocktail named after them. How cool would that be, having a cocktail named after you? Raving Lunatics are one of our favourite drinks. The ingredients are top-secret and they were created at the Bogan Bar, by one of the blokes who works in the bar.  We've heard a rumour that the Bogan Bar might be serving free 'Raving Lunatic' cocktails on the day, so there's another reason to come along. Much more fun than the Crockerie open day.

Here's the info about the Crockerie.

Matron Melanie and the residents of the Crockerie Retirement Village cordially invite everyone at Scrubber-Town, Jewel Park, Dark Park and surrounding areas to our  very first Open Day. This is an initiative of Rob Hobbs and the Jewel Park Council. It will be held on the three days of the June long weekend and we hope that many of you, our good friends, will attend.Entry will be free, but we will need to charge a small fee for some events. This is to raise money for new facilities for our residents.

So come one and all for a good look around. We know you'll be impressed! Find out what's available for when you've had enough of your own pesky old crocks or in-laws.Check out the availability of the Putaway Programme for a temporary break, or when you're dying to get away on holiday. The Putaway Programme allows you peace of mind and you'll forget all about your demented old relative. Recently, we had a family who came back from holiday and simply forgot they had to collect their grandma. We didn't mind of course, although forgetting will cost you extra,quite a bit extra).Hear Councillor and former lawyer Rob Hobbs talk about how to successfully contest a will, in case you've been written out or worse, disowned. Find out how to take full advantage of relatives with dementia. Rob wants you to ask him lots of questions and set your mind at rest. Rob has plenty of tricks up his sleeve and he wants to share them with you..

Visit our state-of-the-art kitchens and peruse menus. You'll be wondering why many of our old crocks are so scrawny. Mostly because they're picky and ungrateful.

Have a psychic reading by Jacinta of Around-The-World resort. Discover whether a big fat inheritance is coming your way, and how to arrange things to make sure it does. See Jacinta demonstrate how to cast spells so you and your family will benefit.

Afternoon teas and light refreshments will be served all day by the young girls of the Dark Park Detention Centre. This is part of their community service and they can't wait to serve you, if only because it gets them out of their bleeping boring centre, they told us. Be entertained, whilst you enjoy your Devonshire Teas, with singing by the' Dark Park Girls'l ( a newly-formed choir of the Dark Park inmates). They have a surprise performance for you all, we believe.

Wander around the peaceful gardens and chat to our friendly residents. You can say pretty much anything you like to them, as most are deaf or simply not very bright (dare we say stupid!).

See Olga's recently formed Water-Ballet troupe, the 'Crockerie Cuties' perform every hour in the new Crockerie swimming pool. Olga is the mother-in-law of Kalvin Kristensen (aka Komik Kal )at his Scrubber-Town shop. She recently arrived here from Russia to live and we commend her for being so community-minded in forming the Crockerie Cuties.We did hear that someone has dubbed the new pool the 'fish-pond' and unkindly went on to add that it was full of old leather jackets. We can't imagine who would have been so mean-spirited (but we have our suspicions).

For the parents among you, have your children cared for at the 'Little Buggers' Child-care Centre. In fact this will be obligatory, as we do not want unruly youngsters running around. Snacks will be provided, as will entertainment by Queen Custard Tart of T.V. fame (on Channel One, the ONE and only ONE).

Come and be thoroughly involved and amused. Last but not least, don't forget to add your decrepit old Crock to the Crockerie Waiting List. Remember, the sooner the better.

Lastly, enjoy a Sherry-and-Cheese Happy-Hour with us at the close of each of the fun-filled three days.We should tell you that this will cost five dollars and we'll only provide Sherry. No other alcohol will be available

We look forward to seeing you all on the long-weekend.

( Acting) Matron MelanieMcCurdle and her old Crocks .

P. S Janie and I suggest that you bring a peg to put on your nose, cos all these oldies stink!