H iJanie, I can't believe that I'm coming to LA to meet you at last and I'm so OTT excited. I've missed you so...oo much. OMG, it's incredible that I've now been flying with Asteroid Air for a year and that I've actually lasted that long. Now I'll win the bet of a bottle of Vodka that I made with Kurt last year. I'm sure he'll pretend he doesn't remember and try to wriggle out of it .He's just been made a cabin-manager, I hear, and is more up himself than ever. See if I care, though, as long as I get my Vodka. I expect a decent brand, too; not just any old cheap crap. I'll be sure to bring it with me for us to share.

Two weeks ago I passed my yearly check flight and now they have to give me a discount crew-pass to any place I choose. I just bet they hate that. Monica was quick to remind me that I'd only scraped through by the skin of my teeth, which is a stupid expression. and that there was lots of room for improvement. Also I was going to be watched closely. What's new?

I actually made her congratulate me. You should have seen her face and after that she gave me my crew-pass. Next day, I came into work and told her I was going to resign; but she can't take the pass away from me now: na-na-na na-na. I'll just have to tell you about my last day ever of flying. I did all the bad stuff I've wanted to do since day one. I kind of think I was off-loading all the stress, but still, everyone was shocked; even I was a bit. Are you curious yet? Thought you would be.

Yeah, two days ago I flew for the last time as a flight attendant. It was an early, early flight and a really long haul across the continent. Luckily, Lachie was crewing with me, but unluckily, so was that moody psycho-bitch, Shannon and the cabin-manager was some chick called Tiara. Who calls anyone Tiara? She looked like a Shannon-clone. They seemed to know one another and raced slo-mo down the aisle towards each other, like in the movies, only they managed to bang heads together as they met. They both looked stunned for a few minutes, rubbed their noses and then hugged. So hilarious.

Lachie whispered to me: 'Bet they'll check themselves out for bruises and broken noses; and sue each other if there's any damage'. That's exactly what they did: disappeared into the loos, came out and hugged again, obviously both satisfied that there was no injury to their weasly faces. I discovered that they both went to the same tanning salon on the Gold Coast. Then someone had to go to the lounge to check boarding passes. Lachie offered to go, but Shannon said;

'All the good-looking people stay on board, so that means you'll have to go, Lainie'.

'Whatever,' I said. I hate Shannon so much. What a nasty skank she is.She didn't really have the authority to send me to the terminal. That's Tiara's job as cabin manager and she just went right along with that cow Shannon and said:

'Thanks, darl,' said Tiara. 'Shannon and I have to catch up on all the Gold-Coast goss'.

So I was dismissed.

Just about all the passengers had boarded and we were waiting for a late-comer. Guess who? That politician brother of Rob Hobbs; Henry Hobbs. He quite often flies with Asteroid Air and gets pleasure out of making us wait for him. He comes sauntering along slowly, with a smirk on his ugly face. He knows he can get away with it, because he's a politician and the airline wants his money. Onboard, he puts his seat way back before we've even taken off, just so one of the female flight attendants has to bend over him to bring it upright. He's diabolical:  Lachie taught me that word.

For the cabin demo, I wore my super  fluffy  bunny slippers, like I've always wanted to. People were taking photos on their mobiles and asking me for my email, so as they could send me one.

    'You can't wear those', hissed both Shannon and Tiara. 'Take them off, now'.

    'Make me', was all I said.

I also wore them to do the meal service in.

     'These are so much more comfy than heels' I told Shannon smugly.

'Are you bleeping serious?'

Nothing like a pair of super-fluffy slippers with rabbit faces for wearing in the aircraft cabin.

'Very', I retorted, and went on pulling the trolley along the aisle. Unfortunately; I got stuck with Shannon, cos Tiara had commandeered Lachie.

'I'm going to work with this handsome boy, and we can get to know each other'. she gushed.

Lachie rolled his eyes. He can't stand girls like Tiara, but she didn't seem to notice and flirted outrageously with him

The call-bell pinged and someone two rows back summoned us.

'Is anything the matter?' asked Shannon

'These bacon and eggs are over-cooked crap.They're hard as bloody bullets and there's no salt or pepper on my tray'.

    'Well, what can we do to make things better? 'simpered a smiling Shannon.

I must tell her later that she looks like a crocodile when she smiles. I've always wanted to say that.

    'I know a way', I cut in. I'll get some Botulism Salt, especially for you and that'll spice it up.' 'Shannon gasped.

'Budget Airlines', said the man angrily to his travel companions.'Rude, bloody bitches on board, inedible food and I'm stuck on this plane for at least another two hours.'

'Don't worry, sir,' I told him. 'There's ejector buttons underneath all the seats. It isn't common knowledge, but if you like, I'll activate yours and you can leave. It's the short-cut to' Bogunville which is a great place, so I hear, and I'm sure you'll be very happy there. Would you like to take a friend with you?'Shannon gasped again and this time her mouth stayed open. The man stood, upending his tray onto the floor and his companions did likewise.

'Bloody Asteroid Air 'shouted the man, who was very red in the face. 'Now they tell us they've got weapons of mass destruction on board, or germ-warfare, whatever it's called. I' m taking this to the media'. Some people began to scream at the mention of germ-warfare. Tiara went to fetch Jordan, our first officer, who came out to the cabin and yelled;

'Shut-the-hell-up, guys' and returned to the flight deck, laughing. He told me later that I crack him up and he'd love to go on a date with me. I may just take him up on that as he's super cute. Another call-bell rang, this time, from several rows ahead.

'What's the hold up? We're all hungry down here and we'd really like something to eat before Christmas 2021,' screeched a woman.

Other passengers joined in with a chorus of

    'We want breakfast, we want breakfast!'

The woman stood in the aisle, hands on hips and rolling her eyes. It was so hard not to laugh but I did; I just couldn't stop it.

     'Move it 'snapped Shannon. 'This is all your fault, you piece of work. You're enjoying making us all look bad, aren't you?'

   ' You bet' I said

Then Henry Hobbs, who always pretends to be asleep, but isn't, sat up and said,

    'This is the best in-flight entertainment I've ever had. They couldn't dream this up, even for a movie. Girls, I'll have to make sure my good friend Monica hears about this. and, fellow passengers, 'he continued,' anyone who wants to complain, is welcome to take the matter up with me and I'll make myself available to listen.' Yeah, sure he will, if he's not having a fancy lunch somewhere.

    'Is everything O.K?' asked Tiara

    'Not really, luv, ask your crazy co-worker'.

Tiara looked questioningly at me, but Shannon took her aside.

    'Breakfast, please' shouted the woman with rolling eyes.

Just then, I was sort of saved by this announcement.

    'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is Captain Justin Jamieson  speaking. We're about to pass through some unexpected turbulence. Please ensure your seat-belts are fastened firmly and will all cabin attendants suspend cabin service until advised otherwise. Thank you guys.'

I really thought the woman was going to go ballistic, but she just continued ranting to Henry Hobbs. Tiara and Shannon stopped talking to me and the man who'd complained about breakfast just glared at me.' If looks could kill,' etc. We ended up having to strap ourselves in for the rest of the trip. It was a pretty wild ride. Did I care? No, I armed myself with some magazines and some strawberry yoghurts, my fave and sat feet up, eating and reading, facing the passengers, who were really pissed off.

Needless to say, I got called into Monica's office on my return. Tiara had emailed a report, as had Henry Hobbs. I won't bore you with Monica's speech, except to say that she and Michael , the Asteroid Air General Manager, had together made an unprecedented decision.

They actually gave me two free crew passes for overseas destinations to get me out of the country, they said, for a few months and they didn't want to see my face for a longtime. I was being exiled, sort of. Also I was never going to work as a Flight Attendant again. Surely they can't think this would bother me?

Well, no problem. I'm now on my way to see you in the US, Janie, and then I'm off to London to visit Lizzy and Lachie. Yep, they both resigned too, as they'd had enough of control-freak Monica and they missed home. Before he left, Lachie and another FA.  his friend Lester went to Monica's house one night and stuck a huge blow-up Father Christmas onto the chimney. He said he bought it at a variety store, a bit like Nick's Nirvana at Scrubber-Town. The Santa figure is holding up his rude finger on one hand, in an 'Up Yours'gesture and a can of beer in the other.

Monica hasn't noticed it yet, but other staff have and are. laughing at her behind her back. She swears she's going to get to the bottom of it and find who's responsible..Good luck with that, Monica.

Have to go now, cos the Asteroid International crew are wearing Christmas hats and coming around with tray of Champagne. I'm going to see if I can grab two. One for me and another for the invisible person sitting next to me. There isn't anyone really, but I'll say they've gone to the loo.

See you in a few hours

Luvya,

Lainie.xxx

PS;'The passengers love it when FA's are bitching and sniping at each other.

PSS. I bought a couple of the rude-Santa models before I left Asteroid Air. I want to give them to friends at Scrubber-Town, but I haven't made up my mind yet who'll get them. 

PPPS: You'll never guess; I got up-graded to business class, cos there was a no-show and they let me have the seat, which is unbelievably, marvellously comfortable. It pays to flirt and smile a lot. How I'd love to give Monica and Michael the finger now.

I couldn't find an 'Up Yours' Father Christmas, so I'm giving you this cheeky bloke instead. It's almost an 'Up Yours' gesture.