Hi, it's us, Lainie and Janie, your favourite roving reporters, here to give you  all the juicy goss from the bun-fight that was the Scrubber-Town Traders Christmas Party. We're late bringing you this, sorry, and many of you will be pissed off with Christmas by now. Not us though .As far as we're concerned Christmas can keep going all year; we don't mind. You can never have too many presents, chocolate, champagne or mince pies. Oops, Janie just reminded me that she doesn't like mince pies.

'Don't split hairs Janie, you like all the other stuff, don't you?'

'Yes, she does, of course she does'.

Anyway, the general public weren't allowed in. All the shop owners closed early, so there were people trying to furiously kick down the shop doors. They shouted ;'Open the bloody door, ya mongrels'.

. The more sedate ones (not that many here in Scrubber-Town could be described as sedate) tried to gate-crash the party by pretending that they were close relatives of one of the retailers and could they give them an urgent message? One young mother tried it on by claiming she'd lost her kid's dummy here earlier in the day. Lame excuse, so rack off.

Ken and Kylee from security were more efficient than usual and sent them packing.

The staff party was held in the Stuff-Ya-Face cafe. Inside they had tried to decorate it with silver and gold streamers which weren't secured properly and kept falling to the floor. The front window was painted too, but mostly by Pinokio's Pantry staff who were really pissed off that they weren't hosting the party.They tried to sabotage the event by writing in orange and red paint: Salmonella sold here and Enter at Own Risk.

Once again, Ken and Kylee were called and Kal and Eric volunteered to go and sort out the troublemakers.

Janie and I weren't sure what Salmonella meant. Was it some kind of fancy salmon dish? Dr Una told us it was a mega-bad upset stomach with lots of throwing up involved and terrible cramps and she added that she hoped we never got it.Well, so do we, but now we know what to wish on our worst enemies

We hoped Pinokios got it wrong but we decided to chance it as the pizza smelt amaz-zing. It was quite irresistible. Huge platters of pizza were brought out and everyone was descending like vultures, pushing,shoving, grasping and you had to fight to get a slice. We missed out .Nearby, Noel and Noeline's (of Nutters and Rotters) daughter Noela started blubbing as she complained that she hadn''t been able to grab a piece of pizza. This caused Kal to tell Noel that he should train his daughter to be more thick-skinned. Noel was enraged. You could see it; his eyes bulged and his face went red and he demanded that Kal go outside to sort it out.

We overheard Kara-Lyn whisper to Jules, of Jules Jewlz:' She ought to be more like her mum, who's got a hide like a rhinoceros.'

Jules giggled, but unfortunately Noelene had heard the comment too and this resulted in a hair-pulling, face-scratching down-on -the-floor fight. The guests all started barracking for the one they wanted to win, as they do in Scrubber-Town. We all love a good fight.

Someone must have called Ken and Kylee, as they swooped in and separated Kara-Lyn and Noelene Nutter. They told them to settle down, or they'd take them to celebrate Christmas with the cops.

Kal said casually'food first, fighting later'. Around 10 o;clock maybe?

Kal was told he'd join them if he incited more violence.

Then another tray of pizzas came out and we saw Noela snatch two large slices which she took  to eat under a table, crouching down as if someone was going to take them away from her.

The next delicacy to come out on trays were the mega hamburgers, which are a specialty of Stuff-Yas and also mini meat pies. There was practically a stampede for these. Janie and I couldn't get near the hamburgers, but Janie did manage to grab a mini meat pie and we went halves. There's not much of a mini meat pie when you go halves, trust me. We sort of gave up then and concentrated our efforts on the liquid refreshments and there was plenty of that, although Janie and I were bummed to find that there was no champagne, There was lots of beer, bourbon ,gin and vodka, so we went with that.

The alcohol was already affecting some people. Jules for instance from JulesJewlz. She was trying to make an impression on Komik Kal, who's just separted from Tatiana. Jules had a strapless dress, which was in danger of falling down to her waist and flowers from her shop in her hair, though they were definitely falling out.. Kal was lapping it up and invited Jules to go outside with him. leaving a rather put-out Eric to party on his own.

Meanwhile, we were visited by some of the old crocks from the Crockerie,, you know, the aged care home across the road from Scrubber Town. Olga from the Volga ( that's what Kal calls her and the name has stuck). knocked on the door. She was pretending to be ill and was mopping her brow and sighing, so she'd be let in. Dr. Una opened the door for her and almost instantly Olga recovered. She. told Dr Una that her group had been exclusively invited to entertain the guests  We know for a fact that they hadn't. There were moans and boos all around.

'You all very rude, so first we have supper and Olga grabbed a plate on which she shovelled two pieces of Pizza and two meat pies as did the other old crocks. By now the food was quickly disappearing.

'Now we wash down with Vodka'and Olga helped herself to a large glassful and the other old crocks followed suit... By now of course they were off their faces and couldn't dance to save themselves. Janie and I were in hysterics. Others just looked angry. Marisa from War Paint, where we work, complained the most about the party being interrupted and how Dr Una shouldn't have let them in. She went on and on about it.

'Switch off the record'; we whispered to each other.

'Now we go.'declared Olga. ' They all too drunk and stupid to do dance. We all going to Bogan Bar to get more drunk with Raving Lunatic'., which is the cocktail that Scrubber Town is famous for. 

Janie and I aren't going  to get old. We figure that they'll be an anti -ageing pill before we get old. I think we'll take two each. Everyone booed and hurled insults as the Crockerie residents left.

'They're going to be so shit-faced'. said Suze to us. By the way, I've found some bubbly in Stuff-ya's fridge. You two want some?'

Sometimes Suze can be nice, so we accepted.By the way, Suze is personal assistant to Skye Frye.

''Do we have to pay'? Asked Janie.

'Drink now, pay later, maybe' said Suze as we popped the cork and raised our glasses, well, our plastic cups.

By now,Janie and I were in danger of being off our faces, as we told you. there hadn' t been much food, so we'd just concentrated on alcohol, the hard stuff Then we went in search of food and managed to find a couple of stale doughnuts and lo and behold some fairy floss. Yay. Janie and I love,love, love Fairy Floss.

Someone else who came in late was Nick from Nick's Nirvana, whose shop is stuffed full of a $2.00 medley; some of it stolen, we're told, but we're not sure.. Just as well Kal was outside at the time . Kal takes every opportunity to take a swipe or two at Nick whenever he sees him. The two men hate each other. Kal's daughter Kimberlee, from Kal's prior marriage, is living with Nick, and now she's rumoured to be pregnant. Anyway Kimberlee was with him this time so we thought that maybe there wouldn't be a fight?

We thought we'd better do some genuine reporting and tell you about the outfits in the room. We've already told you what Jules was wearing.

Kara Lyn had chosen a lurex dress with a very bare back and which was much too short for someone her age. Skye Frye, the sizzling blonde Scrubber-Town manager had a lurex dress too, in gold with really high splits up both legs, almost to the top of her thigh; but she can at least pull it off, as she's tall and statuesque. Janie taught me that word and you know how Janie loves her big words.

Noelene from Nutters and Rotters wore an acid yellow maxi dress with a cascading neckline. Geez, we wish some of these people would look in the mirror before they leave the house. Noelene is also very tanned and she really does have a hide like a rhinoceros.

Noela was wearing a jumpsuit in black and white stripes. She looked like a cross between a peppermint or a prisoner.

Dr Daisy came with Dr Wun Sun and surprise surprise, She was wearing a red silk Chinese cheongsam with a small split at the back and a key hole in the front. Tasteful and boring as bat droppings.

Dr Una wore a fire-engine red dress with huge white spots and a halter neck which made her arms skinnier than they already are. She also wore a big red bow in her hair. Channelling Mini Mouse perhaps? Really Dr Una,you're too old.

Dr. Ina Eppit looked like she'd fished around in a kid's dress-up box. She turned up wearing multi- layered hippy skirt in all colours of the rainbow and a sheer shirt. Please cover up Dr. Ina.

Marissa wore a dark green satin dress with a fish-tail around her ankles. She could hardly walk.

Suze wore a pink crop -top with super short, tight shorts. We always knew she was a show-off.

Around this time Dr Ina tried to bring in some of her special brand of foods as a healthy alternative. People booed and made gagging movements when they saw them. There were no takers for her cauliflower slice,Brussels Sprout Broth and Herbal Medley tea, not to mention the dried mushroom and quinoa (whatever that is) stew. Janie nudged me and said perhaps it was magic mushroom stew, seeing as Dr Ina is an old hippy. We couldn't stop laughing.

Lastly we worked the room to find out what some of these people are doing for Christmas Here's a selection.

Komik Kal; 'Enjoy being footloose and fancy-free. Especially like not having to have Christmas lunch with Olga'.

Dr Wun Sun ;'Go to Daisy's family for lunch and get some good sleep'. Dr. Wun has become so boring since getting married. Dr Daisy's welcome to him.

Dr Ina;' Work on some new recipes for my line; Turnip lentil risotto and pea and couscous pie'. Bye Dr Ina

Kara-Lyn 'Go on-line for some nice blokes; as you can see I'm all dressed up with nowhere to go'.

Noel and Noeline Nutter;' We're going on a cruise. We're leaving Noela with her grandmother; she whinges too much.' That set Noela off again and she went into a corner to blub

Dr Ray Beams;'Collect all the bon-bon jokes and stick them in a book I keep for that very purpose'

Whatever turns you on Dr Ray.

Marissa? 'Going to Skye's place and make lunch together. Oh, and I might take along a guest' and she winked at Dr Ray who blushed', as Marissa had been flirting shamelessly with him. Janie and I reckon she'll eat him alive. We almost feel sorry for him..

Dr Una;' I'll behaving lunch with Ina, my wacky baby sister, but I'll be doing the cooking.thank you very much'.

Suze: 'Going to Fiji with my boyfriend and having Christmas breakfast on the beach.'

We've changed our minds again about Suze; we hate her

No Scrubber-Town event is complete without a fight or two and it was this comment that got Kal all riled up:

,Nick;' Make an honest pregnant woman out of Kimberlee if she'll have me, and get some baby gear together.

The idea of Nick and Kimberlee getting married and having a baby sent Kal right off into orbit.

They both lunged at each other at the same time and bumped heads and we swear we could hear the crack.

We thought it served them right, cos they're both boof-heads.

Kimberlee was screaming at both her father and Nick and trying to separate them. Everyone lunged forward to see what would happen. A few people in the room started clapping and chanting;

'Outside ,Outside', which is where most Scrubber-Town fights take place.

The fight was eventually broken up by Dr Ray Beams. Take a bow Dr Ray; your halo's showing. Dr Ray told Kal and Eric that they should be ashamed of themselves, putting a pregnant woman at risk. That seemed to sober both men up and the re-appearance of Ken and Kylee with threats of an all-night cell in the police station also did the trick.

Dr. Daisy was called upon to check both men for concussion, but only Nick had to go to hospital. That prompted Kimberlee to hiss; 'I hate you 'to  her father.

Things settled down after that, we hear. Apparently, our reliable source tells us that all

the guests, tired out by too much food, booze and adrenalin all fell asleep in a heap.They crawled out from under their rocks in the morning and make a pretence of going to work.And us? We had to get Dr Una to drive us back to Janie's and passed out at hers. In the morning the room was spinning and we felt sick, which is sad because Janie's Mum was making pancakes and I love her pancakes, but we couldn't even look at them.

We still love Christmas, just not the hangover part but we never learn; it happens year after year.

Luv and Christmas hugs

Lainie and Janie.

PS; you might like to know that Jules went home with Kal and they were just about to have some fun, when Tatiana came in unexpectedly and cracked a hissy fit. Kal and Tatiana are supposed to over and separated and stuff, , but are they really?

 All the guests discovered that their tyres had been let down,,some even slashed. The cops are looking into it, but we're dying to find out who the guilty party is. Pinokio's staff or the Spite Club girls?There's several Spite Club girls who've just recently come out of the Dark Park detention centre. So what do you all think?