Hi, STR's (in case you hadn't guessed,that stands for Scrubber-Town Readers), it's Lainie and Janie back again to tell you that the Russians are coming. Actually, they've already arrived. We're talking about Tatiana's family. Remember, Tatiana is Komik Kal's blonde Russian trophy wife. Anyway,they're all here, in our very own Jewel Park. There's her Mum, Olga, who Kal refers to as 'Olgar from the Vulgar', her sister Oksana (who calls anyone Oksana?- we still think it sounds like a gravy mix), and her brother Oleg. They're all here, so we've almost been overrun. Anyhow, we're guessing you already know about them, cos they flew in on a blaze of headlines .The family were all on board the Asteroid Air International flight that nearly collided with Kite Air, as both were trying to come into land at the same time. Both wanted to be first, despite warnings from Air Traffic Control.

When they finally landed, the Channel One (the One and only One) news people were all over them, wanting interviews about what happened and how they all felt. How do they think they felt? If you thought you were going to die in the sky (we like how poetic that sounds) you'd be shit scared! We'd totally freak. Anyway, the press interviewed Olga, who was milking the incident for all it was worth. Initially, she was escorted up the ramp by Asteroid Air staff-members, one on each side. She was moaning and wiping her brow and calling out for Tatiana. However, and this part was on telly, Kate Blake, the TV reporter from All Day, Ev'ry Day, stepped forward and said:

'Here comes one of the casualties of the Asteroid Air disaster, a poor elderly lady with, it would seem, a heart condition.'

Suddenly Olga livened up, grabbed Kate's microphone and babbled away in Russian. Tatiana had by this time seen her mother and stepped forward to translate. Here's what she said.

'My mother says all Australian pilot are dick-heads (oh, I am sorry, I should not use swear words on television').

'Go on, don't hold back, said a flushed, excited Kate. Kate always thinks she's got the next big scoop!

'She says she will sue pants off them and perhaps airline will put more traffic lights in sky'.

Kate Blake was really wound up by now. She turned to the camera and the crowd encircling them in the terminal and said:

'Traffic lights in the sky'. What a creative and superb idea from a shaken old woman, who will undoubtedly be admitted to hospital.'

Tatiana grabbed the microphone back, saying:

'My mother really thinks there are traffic lights in sky; she is not joking'. Cut

Janie and I heard that afterwards, the shaken old woman was checked out by Dr. Ina Eppit at Dr Una's medical clinic, who prescribed her own herbal medley tea and bed rest. Apparently, Olga flushed all the Herbal Medley tea stuff down the toilet, therefore blocking Kal's drain, and sat in bed all afternoon drinking duty-free Vodka and stuffing her face with duty-free chocolates.

The drama doesn't end there. We have it on good authority from our ever reliable and undisclosed source, that Olga is a real handful and trouble-maker.

Apparently she stays in bed till nearly midday and calls out for Tatiana to bring her this or that. If Tatiana doesn't come immediately, Olga yells 'Tatia-a-naaa! Tatia-a-naaa!' till she's almost screaming. Kal is nearly going demented.

We hear that things got so bad that he and Tatiana threatened to send her back to Russia. Olga cried buckets and pleaded with them not to send her back; even going down on her knees, as she'd told all her neighbours that she was going to Australia to live with Tatiana in a mansion, as her daughter had married a big, important businessman.

Kal's alpha-male ego took over when he heard that and he told her that they wouldn't send her back, but that she had to behave. He and Tatiana were not going to be her slaves! Go, Komik Kal!

Things were OK for a while, like two or three days. Our source told us that Olga is being demanding again and this time Tatiana and Kal threatened to put her into the Crockerie, the old people's home across the road. They told Olga that there's a special unit for troublesome old ladies, where the staff drug their tea and coffee, starve them and no-one ever comes to visit.

Will that threat make Olga behave? Watch this space and we'll keep you posted. Janie and I think Olga is a manipulative old drama queen who knows how to get her own way.

Talk to you some more soon,

Luv and air-kisses,

Lainie and Janie.

P.S: An update will appear in next month's newsletter about Janie's actress ambitions. I would tell you this time, but am too tired and am gagging for some weed. Then I'd better go back to work, or Marissa will go ballistic!

PPS: There's a rumour in the airline industry that the Kite-Air cabin-crew really are as high as kites, on speed! Kurt, who's in Security, told me, but I'm not actually speaking to him right now, because he'd hinted to me that we might see a movie together, ('Pitch Perfect 2'). I've been dying to see it; but he took another girl instead. Suze from admin of all people. What the...?' What does he see in that bitch? I only know, because Janie's sister Josie saw them together . She said they were all over each other. La-La-la; I don't want to know anymore, but I hate both Kurt and Suze.

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