Above: Trying to remember that Christmas used to be fun

Hi, STR's and anyone else who wants to read this. I've just had the worst Christmas ever. You won't believe how bad. I also have a massive hangover, cos late last night, Lizzie, Lachie ( my only friends at Asteroid Air)  and I knocked back a couple of magnums of champagne and ate heaps of fast food. It was the most fun we'd had all day.

I'll have to re-wind and explain. Remember in my last newsletter, I told you that Monica our  flight attendant supervisor had dropped by to tell all of us trainees about plans for Xmas? I thought she was going to give us each a free ticket to spend Xmas at home for a few days. Apparently that's what Asteroid Air usually does for their new staff. Not so for us, though. Monica's partner Milton has gone to the UK to see his family and Monica made an executive decision, she said, to keep on training. The company loves her for it, but here's what I think. She's a bony bitch-cow/suck-up/fiend/feral-dog/slag. Lizzie and Lachie think so too.

The others, Tyrone, Simone, Rhiannon and Shannon moaned a bit, but Monica was quick to point out that when we were on the line; i.e. out of training, we certainly wouldn't get to spend Xmas at home, at least not for several years. She said we'd 'better bloody get used to it'. The little clique of suck-ups changed their tune and said 'You're so right Monica, this will be good practice'

I felt like banging their stupid heads together. So, here's what happened on Xmas Day.

Monica had us all rise at 5.30 a.m. and before we had a chance to say'Merry Xmas' (not that I intended to say it to anyone except Lizzie and Lachie), she had us driven over to the Asteroid Air Hangar, where a plane stood waiting.

The engineers wanted to over-haul it, but Monica commandeered it for, guess what, an emergency evacuation drill. She had us do it three times, cos she wasn't satisfied. She abused us and the engineers who dared to ask how the bleep long she thought she was going to be. They were waiting to go home for Xmas lunch too and it was so hot and humid in the hangar, with not a breath of air.

. We were all perspiring like mad. I'd been dragged out of bed and hadn't even had time for a shower, thanks to Shannon and Simone hogging the bathroom.

Eventually, after a stand-up row with the engineers, Monica told us she was taking us back to her house for Christmas lunch.The four suck-ups cheered, but Lachie, Lizzie and I just rolled our eyes at each other. We'd have preferred to go back to our room and sleep. Before we left, one of the Engineer guys said to us  

Enjoy your lunch kids' and winked. His work-mates sniggered. Going to Monica's was like walking into an igloo. It was mostly white with touches of ice-cold colours of blue and silver; Asteroid Air Colours. There were few pictures and the main one was a blow-up photo of Monica, Milton and the CEO of Asteroid Air, Michael. (Thingummy-can't remember his other name.)

'Awesome photo' said Tyrone and Simone together.

'I see your house is minimalist', said Rhiannon 'I love that look. What do you think, Lainie?' she asked pointedly.

'I think it's like an operating theatre' I replied bluntly. I really wasn't bothered what they  thought. They all looked aghast, however, so I said quickly: 'It's so sparkling clean'.Lizzi smirked and nudged me.'Quick thinking', she whispered.

Anyway, we sat down for pre lunch drinks, which were vegetable juice from a carton and discovered that Monica and Milton were vegetarian.

I don't care to eat dead animals' ,announced Monica. What does she want, a medal?

'Oh, you have an outdoor Jacuzzi'squealed Shannon.'Can we like, go in later?'

Just at that moment came a loud roll of thunder, followed by a flash of forked lightning which lit up the window, causing Shannon to leap back.

'Looks like that's a no' said Monica.' Take a seat, you lot', (Monica always calls us you lot,)' and enjoy lunch. The Asteroid Air Catering put this together for me. I'm just too busy to cook.'

So Monica's a cheapskate as well as vegetarian. My thoughts drifted off to home where I knew every- one would be snapping bon-bons and reading out the lame jokes, gobbling roast meat and gravy as if someone was going to take it away at any moment, drinking too much and hot pudding with brandy custard and cream and bowls of chocolates and lollies. We were given salads and falafel patties, one only. There wasn't even any bread.I felt like bursting into tears.

'You can't say I don't look after your figures and nutrition' said Monica. 'Anyway, I'm not much into Xmas'. She's not kidding. We were only allowed one glass of bubbly each and it wasn't even very cold. We had sorbet and rock melon for dessert and the storm dashed any hopes I had of drowning myself in the Jacuzzi. We had to sit around listening to Monica bang on about her early flying days, egged on by the four suck-ups..I was gasping for a coffee, but there was only herbal tea or the ultimate insult of bad quality de-caf coffee. OMG, we'd been up since 5.30, worked our bums off, and there wasn't even a decent coffee on offer!

I tried to zone out and must have fallen asleep, till I was woken up by the shrill voice of Rhiannon

saying:' Come on guys, let's help clean up. It's been such an awesome afternoon.'

Not bloody likely. I noticed Lizzie and Lachie had gone to sleep too. We think Monica must have driven us home. Us three, i.e. The other four stayed on and bragged about it the next day.

We had more fun, though. Walking through the evening rain. We didn't care, it was better that being in Monica's stuffy iceberg of a house. We found a hotel bottle shop open and bought a couple of magnums of Bubbly, and as we'd been starved all day, bought super-sized serves of fast food. We enjoyed the lot in my room. We even had a family-sized block of chocolate to finish off. We must have all passed out on the floor, in a heap, cos I vaguely recall the four suck-ups stomping in and saying:'

 OMG, they must have got drunk and had an orgy. This is disgusting,' and shut the door. It's all a blur after that. So much for Xmas Spirit, but at least the end of the day was fun.

This afternoon in class, Simone piped up' Wasn't it incredible at Monica's yesterday? I think she's

such a legend.'

I think I'm going to be sick. Instead i may just have to smack Simone around a bit.

Merry Xmas everyone. Luv and air kisses to all except Simone, Tyrone, Shannon, Rhiannon and

Monica.

'Luv, Lainie.xx

P.S.I think a re-hab facility would be more fun than Monica's place on Xmas Day.

The End