This morning I'm really pissed off. It's been such a shitty week;like, mega-bad. Oh, hi, it's Lainie and Janie here. Don't mind us, we're ranting. Janie just reminded me that I'm the one who's ranting, but to take a few minutes to vent and get it off my chest. I hate it when people say that, as if you can get rid of bad feelings in a few minutes. Janie said that she was just trying to help. She's brought out the Vodka and Diet Coke, so yeah, she is trying to help. Sorry Janie.

So why has the week been so horrible? Well, I've just heard from Kurt, my friend in Security, that he was contacted by Asteroid Air and offered a place at their flight crew training centre interstate. What about me? Why didn't they call me? I'd look much better in the Asteroid Air uniform than Kurt. Janie said it was probably because he's a bloke and has a background in security and can deal with drunk people and terrorists more easily. Well, so could I. Anyone ever heard of Valium and masking tape? I'm going to ring Asteroid Air and ask what the hell is going on? Janie just said enough already. Next topic please.

I didn't know she was timing me. Anyway, I can't help being upset. I think Janie could be a bit more supportive.

OK, I will go to the next topic, but that's certainly not guaranteed to cheer me up either. The night before last, Janie and I were invited to the Scrubber-Town engagement party for Dr Wun Sun and Dr Daisy Dolay. We had to go, as roving reporters. It was held in the Crockerie recreation room. Dr Daisy does a lot of her work at the Crockerie. All the oldies think the sun shines out of her, as does nearly everybody else. Yes, the two doctors are the newest golden couple. So annoying. Dr Daisy is such a stereotypical little blonde princess who seems to lead a charmed life. She's from a rich family, she's pretty ;if you like that look, has enough grey stuff in her head to turn her into a doctor, and she snares Dr Wun Sun. How unfair is that? Think I want to be sick.

Above: Crockerie residents. Yeah, they all look the same to us, too.

Anyway, we went into the Crockerie Rec Centre, which was really humming with activity. Some of the flaky oldies were floating around bumping into guests and generally being a nuisance. Then, large-as -life, who should we see, but Matron Maxine, as big as ever, maybe bigger and headed straight for us.

It was too late to dodge her and she flung open her arms and hugged us, both at once. It was like being embraced by a massive cream bun. Yuck. Matron Maxine told us that she was back for a short holiday, staying with Kara-Lynn and that she was returning to New Zealand to live as she'd fallen in love with it. Lucky New Zealand. Matron Maxine is known for her over-sized, slogan T-shirts and this time she wore one that said Keep a Kiwi Company ; with a picture of the dumbest-looking Kiwi ever. After the Matron Maxine encounter, we managed to escape and went over to congratulate Dr Wun and Dr Daisy. At least Janie managed to. My words kind of got stuck on their way out. Janie slyly nudged me and I said something; can't quite remember what it was.

While we were talking to Dr Wun and Dr Daisy, one of the oldies came shuffling round offering small glasses of some golden-looking drink. We asked what it was and were told Sherry. What the bleep is that? We'd never heard of it. We asked if they could up-grade us to a bigger glass (we were in desperate need of a drink by this time), but as that seemed too hard, we took two each and gulped them down. It wasn't too bad-a bit sweet for our taste but ok. Dr Wun refused one and Dr Daisy giggled (can you ever trust a doctor who giggles?)and said she usually only drank water ;wouldn't you know it? Just for today she would, as it was a special occasion.

Someone else came around then, offering of all things, Fritz sandwiches. Dr Daisy and Dr Wun said 'no thank you', but Janie and I  were starving and took one each. At least the bread was fresh this time; not like the awful Christmas Party a few months before. Then the old lady took the plate, and instead of offering more to guests, sat down and finished off the rest of the Fritz sandwiches by herself. Greedy old bitch.

After that, we kind of wandered around by ourselves for a while, managing to grab two more (each)of the sherry cocktail things, as there was nothing else on offer. Only lemonade, which we hate. Sherry does seem to be quite potent, especially when you haven't eaten much.

This party was so far as boring as bat-droppings. Events were about to become more enter-taining, though. Komik Kal and his blonde Russian trophy wife, Tatiana came strutting in.  She wore a fur coat, even though it wasn't really cold and over-the-knee boots. She also had sunglasses on. They went to talk to Dr Wun and Dr Daisy and as we weren't far away, we could easily hear what they were saying. Komik Kal introduced Tatiana as his minx from Minsk, and she retaliated by punching him on the arm. Dr Daisy then asked her if she had sore eyes and Tatiana replied.: 'Oh, silly me, I always forget I have on sunnies.' Yeah, sure you do, Tatiana. You just like showing off your designer sun-glasses. Dr Wun commented: 'Not good for eye to wear glass inside.' Dr Wun's accent is so cute: we could listen to him all day.

Then it happened. Kal turned his head and was confronted by Nick, of Nick's Nirvana, accompanied by his (ie Kal's) daughter Kimberlee, who was dressed in her skanky best and draped all over Nick. We saw Kal's face turn a fierce red. (Dr Una is always warning him about his blood-pressure). He looked so angry. Tatiana tried to soothe him and pull him away, but it was too late. Kal lunged at Nick, causing Kimberlee to scream and yell: 'Piss off dad.' Kal got Nick by the scruff of the neck and dragged him outside. The drama and spectacle were too much to resist. The oldies raced outside, some grabbing more Sherry on their way out, to watch the fight. Tatiana turned to Kimberlee and said: 'See what you do to your father.' Kimberlee responded by calling Tatiana a whore and to 'get the hell out of their lives.' Then she threw her drink in Tatiana's face. Of course Kurt from Security had to be called. What will everyone do when Kurt has gone to Asteroid Air? Someone else called the police, who promptly took both Kal and Nick down to the police station. We heard they were each locked up for 24 hours.

Above: Kal and Nick took their shirts off and went for it outside. We think this photo flatters them. Makes them look younger.

Dr Daisy and Dr Wun both had to tend to injuries, including one of the old guys, who had tried to intervene. We noticed Matron Maxine, sitting on a chair, fanning herself and saying 'I knew it was too soon to come back here .Something always goes wrong and it's too much for my poor nervous system.'  Dr Ina Eppit was trying to comfort her and offered to take her back to her home for a cup of herbal medley tea and some Cauliflower and Bran slice. Bet that's yummy-not.

So the party kind of ended after that, not surprisingly. Janie pointed out that maybe things don't necessarily work out perfectly for Dr Daisy. I guess she's right, but I heard that Dr Daisy's family are all flying out from England for a big fancy family party. Won't get an invite to that one, but we'd like to be flies on the wall to see how the other half live. We can imagine that Dr Daisy would swat us both, because we were flies, spoiling her perfect party.

See ya next time

Luv from Lainie and Janie: Will promiseto try to be in a better mood.