Hi and Merry Christmas to all our Scrubber-Town readers, from your roving reporters, Lainie and Janie. This morning, Janie and I woke up with the worst hangovers ever. We wouldn't normally care; indeed, we're quite used to them. Today, though, because it's the Christmas season, we wanted our newsletter to be an extra special one. Dr Una asked us to make it our best one yet. We have lots of stuff to tell you about the Crockerie Christmas do and we've discovered that we actually quite like writing these and we don't want to get fired.  Besides, we love taking time off work and seeing our boss Marissa get pissed off. We did try putting a few sentences together, but they just weren't working for us, so we put on our aviator sunnies to hide our blood-shot eyes and put blush on our pasty faces and slunk over to Pinokio's Pantry. To our dismay though, just as we walked in the door at Pinokio's, who should we run into but Dr Una and Dr Wun Sun, our favourite and gorgeous GP.  The new pretty doctor, Daisy Dolay, was there too (bitch) and she and Dr Wun Sun were sitting quite close and smiling and whispering (double bitch.  She looked like she was about to hook up with him. We think she should act more professional. To add insult to injury, then Dr.Wun Sun saw us at the same time and said;

'Hi girls, you look quite terrible this morning' (we hadn't even taken our sunnies off yet).

'Was it rough night? I see you have right idea, though, ordering some fried food. The toasted bacon and egg sandwich with mushrooms is my personal favourite.'

Dr Daisy giggled. She's so bleeping annoying.  We really hate her. Have you ever been told you look terrible by a really hot guy? It's never happened to us before and we're crushed. We'll take a month to get over it.

Janie's feeling queasy again. Back in a while.

I think we'll be alright now, as long as we don't think about food too much.

We really want to tell you about the Christmas party at the Crockerie, which, as you know,is the aged-care home across the road from Scrubber-Town. We attended as Roving Reporters and thought we were going to have a boring, shitty evening. Just wait till we tell you though.

Things started off fairly smoothly. Janie and I had smuggled in several bottles of 'Bubbly'; you know, the small, trendy ones you drink with straws.  We didn't think that Matron Maxine would have any alcohol available, as she disapproves of it.  Dr Una's newly-formed choir of Spite-Club girls provided entertainment, if that's what you can call it. We think they're crap. They hate being called a choir, but it serves them right, cos they haven't bothered to come up with a name for their group.  We can think of a few, but they're certainly not flattering.

Somehow, Jade, one of the girls who sings solos, twisted Dr Una's arm into letting her boyfriend's rock-band, The Raving Lunatics, play too. Jade's boyfriend is called Wade Blade and he's the original bad-boy muso. Jade's pretty bad too, so they're a good match. Anyway, we reckon Dr Una agreed cos she's a bit scared of Wade. He is kind of intimidating; tall, dark and really good-looking, except he has a disconcerting habit of staring at people through mirror sunnies, so you're never sure what he's thinking. Scary as.

Dr.Una told Komik Kal, who runs the comic and DVD store in Scrubber-Town, that he couldn't sing this time, as he's usually in the choir too, but mostly cos young girls are in it. She said he had to dress up as Santa for the evening. We hear Kal was a bit pissed off about it, but he owed Dr Una a favour apparently, so he couldn't refuse.

Inside the Crockerie, the tables were groaning with food. Cup-Cake City, one of the Scrubber-Town Bakeries donated mini Christmas Cakes, iced in bright red and green (awesome) and mince pies. Nutters and Rotters, a mixed-nut and lolly store, where the staff abuse customers who don't buy, had offered bowls of nuts and hard, coloured lollies. We heard that several of the Crockerie residents broke their false teeth on these, and one old dear managed to have some kind of allergic reaction to the nuts and had to be carted off in an ambulance.

The Crockerie kitchen staff provided the rest: sandwiches, fairy-bread, which the oldies love and sausage rolls and lamingtons; two other Aussie favourites.

Matron Maxine, the resident manager, was running around like a fat blow-fly, bragging about the fruit punch she'd made. She had named it the Crockerie Cocktail. Janie and I tried some, but it was so foul and tasted like undiluted cordial with a weird spice flavour and flat fizz. We must tell you about her outfit too, which was an over-sized T-shirt on which was printed: 'I'm Your Heavenly Host,' and on the back was a dumb-looking angel. She wore red tinsel in her hair and track-pants on her lower half. She told us that Kara-Lynn, of Bag-Ladeez and Slaggs Womens wear at Scrubber-Town, had chosen the clothes for her. Janie and I were amazed that even Bag-Ladeez had stuff to fit massive Matron Maxine.

Above, Komik Kal took this photo of Wade Blade, looking 'wasted 'only half way through the party.

Around this time, Jade and Wade tasted the Crockerie Cocktail. We know, cos we heard them talking behind us. They said they'd turn it into a proper Cocktail and then laughed. They hung around for a while after and then moved away for a hook-up outside. We probably should have told someone that we suspected they'd spiked the punch, but everybody was busy and we sort of wanted to see what would happen. Plenty.

Photo above of Jade, wearing' real'cherry earrings.

The Spite-Club choir sang two more numbers. Kara-Lynn had appointed herself the wardrobe mistress and stylist as usual and she'd dressed the girls in long white dresses, with zip fronts and white and silver angel wings. Just when everyone thought they were going to behave, the girls unzipped their white dresses and threw them out into the audience. Cheers went up. Kara-lynn swapped their white wings for black ones and the girls were suddenly all minxy in satin hot-pants and corset outfits. Some were in red, others in green. They performed a couple of raunchy 'Rock'n'Roll' Christmas songs. A delighted Komik Kal, who by now  had forgotten that he didn't want to play Santa, looked the part of a sleazy old Santa in his costume. He gave out mock presents and some sly pats on the girls' satin back-sides. We noticed Matron Maxine looking alarmed and clinging onto Dr Ray Beams, who's Dr Una's psychologist partner, for support. Dr Ray didn't quite know where to look. We reckon they thought it was going to turn into a full-on strip show. We sort of wish it had, not that girls stripping do much for us.

Jade and Wade came back inside with the other band members. They all reeked of weed and looked glazed. They must have given some to the Crockerie residents who smoke, cos all these oldies started acting really weird and giggling and dancing and helping themselves to more Crockerie Cocktail Punch, which made them even sillier. They dropped food, which all got ground into the floor as they stumbled and danced around.

Janie and I were pretty wasted too, but didn't realize how much till it was too late. Mostly, it was because of what Jade and Wade had put into the punch. Whatever it was they added certainly improved the flavour.  Then the 'Raving Lunatics' started to play. The music got much louder and Matron Maxine had a real hissy fit. She was almost in tears and she and Dr Ray ran around saying:

'Girls, behave. Everyone stop this right now. Do the right thing. Please, please behave, all of you'.

No-one listened and no-one cared. They were all totally out of control and having too much fun. The oldies were running around hugging and kissing people, which was a cue for Janie and me to visit the loos.

Sometimes, Wade and the 'Raving Lunatic' boys write their own stuff and they'd done some songs especially for the party. We can only show you one verse of one of the songs, cos the others would probably burn a hole in the page, Wade told us.

Here goes: Blackmailing Gay Santa

We saw Santa Claus today, hanging out in a bar for gays,

Santa Claus is such an old queen, he loves to look in the mirror and preen

So Santa Claus, we know your little secret and if ya give us lots of presents

We'll be careful not to leak it.

After the Gay Santa song, we couldn't stand up any longer and so we left.On the way out, we overheard Matron Maxine and Dr. Ray say that they were going to call the police. We don't know if the police came, but Dr. Daisy had to be called and then quite a few ambulances arrived. We don't remember anything after that. Later we heard that Matron Maxine had a panic attack and was taken to hospital too. We're surprised it wasn't a heart attack, as she's so huge.

It really was a Christmas Party to end all Christmas parties. We're so relieved that no-one died, cos then we'd have had to go to court as witnesses and tell about Jade and Wade spiking the punch. They'd come after us for sure or send someone else to do the job. Too scary.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to everyone. We luv you, especially our happy Crockerie friends.

Lainie and Janie.xxxxx

P.S.Janie and I feel so bad about Dr. Wun Sun telling us how terrible we looked because of our hangover; our feelings have been injured for life. We're going to never drink again or else put bags over our heads. No, just kidding, neither is an option. Dr. Una tells us there are plenty of fish in the sea, but we did rather favour the Dr. Wun Sun variety. We're also going to Delphine's Academy of Beauty, newly established in Scrubber-Town, for the Christmas facial special. 

Something to look up on-line:  Fairy Bread.  This all-time Aussie favourite is slices of white bread, spread with butter or margarine and covered with 'hundreds and thousands' or coloured sprinkles, which stick to the bread.  They can be cut into triangles or use biscuit cutters to do shapes like stars, hearts, etc. These are often served at kids' parties and disappear within seconds of being put on the table. Go and try some right now.