Hi STR's, it's Lainie and Janie back again. You'd better enjoy these newsletters while you can, cos we won't be doing them for much longer. Janie, of course, is off to Sydney to be a TV star and I'm going to take-off into the blue with Asteroid Air in November. Yes, it's really happening for us. We don't know who's going to take over Scrubber-Town Saga, but you can be sure that they won't be anywhere near as good as us. They have big shoes to fill.

Anyway, we thought today we'd tell you something about the suburb that is home to Scrubber-Town and where we were brought up. We'll also tell you about a funny incident later on.

Jewel Park may sound fancy, but don't be deceived. It's a daggy, dingy, dump. Just about everyone who lives here is povved out and as a result there's lots of petty crime. The Spite Club girls are some of the worst offenders, but they're not the only culprits.
The Dark Park Demons, the local footy team, are also to blame for the vandalising that takes place during their Saturday night brawls. Dark Park is right on the border of Jewel Park.

Jewel Park was originally named in honour of some long-forgotten loser member of the Royal family ; we've never heard of him/her and neither have most people except those who visited about a hundred years ago. Dr Una says it was only sixty years ago, but whatever. There's even some dumb monument in what passes for a park, to record the event. Well, whoever it was should see it now. Jewel Park is and always will be a bleeping dump; full of second-hand car sales yards, tacky billboards, take-away joints, graffiti and Scrubber-Town. At least we have good old Scrubber-Town, so perhaps we do have a jewel in the crown after all.

As you know, Scrubber-Town is notorious, but very popular and is growing by the day. We're glad about this, because it's kind of like giving the finger to Rob Hobbs, one of the Jewel Park councillors. He's such a snob and is always lobbying for more money to tart up Jewel Park, but Dr Una told us the government won't give him the money- well, not enough anyway. Dr Una went on to say that Councillor Hobbs did want a shopping-mall where Scrubber-Town is, but he envisaged an expensive, up-market centre with gardens, fountains and alfresco dining. Oh, and an atrium; whatever that is. That would have gone down like a lead balloon in Jewel Park. By the way, Janie just told me what alfresco means. I hope you all know, cos I can't be stuffed to explain. Obviously Scrubber-Town didn't measure up to Rob Hobbs's expectations and he's been in a foul mood ever since.

Now, here's the funny bit we told you about. As he couldn't get the funding he needed to up-grade the whole area, he decided to have the street signs re-painted and plant a few trees. He should probably plant cactuses, cos it's the only thing vandals wouldn't mess up. The streets, by the way, all bear the name of gemstones. Unfortunately for Robb Hobbs, the painter he hired, turned out to be dyslexic and spelt every single name wrong.

Opal Avenue became Ople Avenue and likewise Silva Street, Gold Groove, Saffire street, Emralb and Roody Streets (should have been Emerald and Ruby). Then Ambo Ave ;we're guessing that was meant to be Amber, Dimmond Drive and Garrnet Groove.

Apparently, quite a few people went into Rob Hobbs' office and complained about the mis-spelt names, including Matron Melanie, who makes a career out of complaining about issues as well as managing the Crockerie.

Our source, who we can't name, told us that when Matron Melanie suggested that Rob fire someone who couldn't do their job properly, he yelled , so our source said , or rather bellowed at her:

'I can't bloody fire him you silly bitch. He's dyslexic and I'm not allowed to sack someone with a disability. So piss off and stop wasting my time'

We bet Rob Hobbs would like to fire him. He's a bully who loves intimidating people and then firing them.

Matron Melanie demanded an apology, or else she said she'd sue both Rob and the Jewel Park Council. Our source said they think she got a grudging letter of apology from the Mayor. Incidentally, Rob Hobbs once ran for Mayor, but he lost, after it was made public that he was having an affair with the Mayor's then-wife Hayley. The people of Jewel Park didn't give a stuff about Rob's affair, but the Mayor was furious and made Rob withdraw. Strangely enough, Rob actually married Hayley; so now she's Hayley Hobbs; so funny. The Mayor ended up marrying Rob's ex-wife, so we guess 'all's fair in love and war.' Dr Una taught us that saying.

Personally, we think Rob Hobbs is a real loser, and it's funny how he struts around pretending to be so important. His clothes fit him really badly too. He wears, like, expensive suits which are always too short in the arms and legs. It makes him look bleeping ridiculous. The suits won't button up either, probably cos he has too many business lunches. We don't care if we get into trouble over this cos soon we'll be out of here.

One day, Sandy and Mandi saw Rob Hobbs in Scrubber-Town and they yelled out

' Phwoar Hobbsy, phwoar, look at that body. Is he Mr Sex-on-legs or what?'

Then they fell apart laughing. Rob Hobbs apparently got all flustered, nearly tripping over and blushing. Clyde McBryde missed a photo opportunity.

See yah and luv yah.

Lainie and Janie xxx

PS: The dyslexic sign writer- is a real hottie. He can misspell our names anytime he likes. If only he knew our names. Sigh,

PPS:One more funny thing about the sign-writing was that our crush wrote:

Welcome to Joule Park, on the gateway to the suburb notice-board. Of course Joule is an energy, calorie thingy. He just cracks us up and we're so in love with him, the way we used to be about Dr Wun Sun. Actually, we just today found out his name. It's Shane Shaw-so cute, short and sweet, like him. It would be kind of nice if he was just a bit taller, but it doesn't really matter.

The End