Hi, it's me, Lainie, unloading my woes to my best friend and famous-actress-to-be, Janie. I absolutely hate life at Asteroid Air. After that awful Christmas at Monica's; you remember,Monica the boney-bitch, our supervisor? I thought things at Asteroid Air couldn't get any worse, but they have. Yeah, things are so crap that I can't bring myself to write newsletters anymore to Scrubber-Town readers. I can just imagine everyone talking and laughing about me behind my back , especially the nasty bitches from the Spite Club. Now I can only write emails to Janie and sometimes Dr Una, and lately Dr Una has been asking me where the news letters are. I've made them swear on the Bible. I'm not religious, but it's the most mega-serious thing I can think of to swear on, not to say a word to anyone about how much I'm hating it. Yeah, I know I've only been here for six weeks. I know I can trust Janie and Dr Una too, cos like, she's used to all that patient confidentiality stuff. 

Anyway, here's what I wrote to them a few days ago. I can't imagine now why I ever thought I wanted to be a Flight Attendant. It's the worst job ever and everyone wants this and that, all at once or five minutes ago. All the passengers are so rude and selfish. I can't stand the job or the people I work with, except my two Pommy friends, Lizzie and Lachie. I share a house with them and another FA called Lauren, who's fun to have around, so she's someone else I don't hate. The only time I'm happy is when all of us happen to be at home at the same time, which isn't very often. When we're together we have the best time; and do stuff like make pancakes for brekky, watch trashy DVD's, smoke weed and drink endless bottles of Champagne. Lachie has a friend who's in Asteroid Air International and picks up duty free bubbly, so we don't drink cheap crap.

Flight Attendant hours are unbelievable and there should be a law against getting up at 3 or 4 in the morning, just so some selfish sods can get to their destination before breakfast. Monica is still a control freak and a despot  (that's Lachie's word), and all of the FA's suck up to her, except us. Everyone is actually shit scared of her. All the other staff are fake, anal-retentive and snobby The female FA's are obsessed with expensive jewellery and chasing pilots. Remember those two girls who trained with me? Shannon and Rhiannon? I call them the two clones. Well, they share a house and are still sort of friends, but are always competing with each other. The friendship could fall apart at any moment, especially if one of them actually snares a pilot. Just about all the pilots are suckers for FA's who flatter them and boost their already inflated egos.I seem to get stuck working with these two bitches quite often and I have to tell you that they are really slack. Shannon, in particular, seems to spend ages on the flight deck when it's her turn to take the  pilots their meals or drinks. It's usually 15 to 20 minutes before she comes back into the cabin.

'Sorry, guys', she'll say, 'I was just having a pow-wow with the pilots. I like to take them a mini packet of 'Fruchocs' each, as a get-to-know-you gesture'. One day Lachie retorted: 'I thought you might be giving them a packet of condoms each for later. Nothing like a good old threesome'

'You're bleeping disgusting', hissed Shannon. 'I'm going to report you for sexual harassment' .'You do that', laughed Lachie,'and we'll just tell Monica how much time you waste on the Flight Deck and how little work you do'.

You bastard', squealed Shannon and she started to cry. She can turn on the waterworks like a tap .Now swing on the end of that trolley', snapped Lachie,'and help Lainie with the drinks service. We're running behind time, thanks to you.'

'Since when were you made Cabin Manager?' said Shannon, who didn't seem to care if people  could hear her shrill, whiny voice. I was so angry with her that I felt like ramming the trolley into her and flattening her against the bulkhead. Trouble was, some passengers did hear and rang Monica to complain about the bad atmosphere in the cabin.

So we were all in trouble. Monica hauled us all into her office with Michael the General Manager and demanded an explanation, one at a time. Of course, that skank Shannon turned on the tears again and swore she didn't realize she was taking so long on the Flight Deck and she wouldn't dream of letting us do all the work. Yeah she would. To cut a long story short, she made Lachie and me look like the bad guys who were picking on her and causing the strife.We were all in trouble for having a bad attitude towards the passengers, each other and ultimately Asteroid Air. and told that we obviously didn't care about our jobs. Unfortunately,Monica told us, this incident would go on our files. Shannon started bawling again.

The three of us had to commit to two extra days of Interpersonal Relations training, without pay. Well,  Lachie and I did. Shannon, surprise, surprise, claimed to have caught flu, brought on by stress. She was told she'd have to do hers two days later, but so far nothing's happened. Lachie and I have been punished, yet again, and taken the rap. Now you can see why I hate this bloody organization so much. Thank you for letting me sound off.

Luv and lots of Valiums, xxxx, Lainie

PS; Lachie came up with this hilarious and great idea...He suggested to Shannon and Rhiannon that they Snare and Share –a pilot'. Firstly, they won't have to try so hard competing with each other and secondly, two of them can go on dates when the other is out of town, as it's not very often that all three would be in the same place at once. We think this has a lot going for it. We suppose the pilot in question would have to agree, but most of them would happily go along with dating two flight attendants at once, especially skanky airheads like Shannon and Rhiannon. Apparently though, Shannon and Rhiannon didn't quite see things our way (what's new?) and told Lachie where he could put his idea.

PPS ;Another reason to hate bleeping Shannon: She has a rear windscreen sticker on her car saying'I Heart Asteroid Air'. I hope she gets gravel rash.

Final PPPS; Dr Una says she thinks that Monica has a Personality Disorder. I agree.

The End