First there were the Westfields then came IKEA and Harbour Town and now we bring you a new, unique and exciting shopping experience: Scrubber-Town! Indulge your inner Scrubber-self, or if you're already a natural –born Scrubber, then this is the shopping mall you've been waiting for. Scrubber-Town includes brand-new and fabulous retail outlets and is growing all the time. You can't miss Scrubber-Town as its bright pink and purple buildings can be seen for kilometers around. Complaints from residents nearby have fallen on deaf ears. Yep, Scrubber-Town is here to stay. But don't complain. Scrubber-Town is one shopping mall where you can still smoke freely, swear, devour junk food, burp and punch if you like.

Top up your supply of lights from Chimneys-Are-Us. This is a good-fun shop full of your favourite cigarettes and gifts of the tacky variety to give to Scrubber friends. We can't advertise this freely, but we believe the under-18 rule is bent here, but we're not sure so send your teenager in to test it out.

Slaggs:  This is a women's –wear paradise for the 18 to 40 age-group or anyone else who wants to look like a lady of the streets.

JulesJewlz:  Jules stocks all the accessories and jewellery you need to compliment the outfits you buy at Slaggs. Everything is delightfully neon, tacky and plastic.. Jules herself is always willing to help you achieve 'the look' and is a great example of all the ways to combine fake-tan, heavy, smudged eye make-up and jangling goodies from her own shop.

Bag-Ladeez.They carry a great range of plus-sizes for extra-large Scrubbers. The Bag-Ladeez manager, Kara-Lyn, claims to have dressed women who have appeared on the 'Jerry Springer' Show in the U.S ( but we're not sure). Ask Kara-Lyn herself. She can tell some great stories, even if they're not true and most of them aren't. One thing that is true is that Kara-lynn has just taken over management of Slaggs Women's wear. The previous manager could no longer cope with working in Scrubber-Town, so now Kara-lyn is managing the two boutiques, which she is 'over the moon about',she tells us.

Megga-Man! Here's something for the plus-size men. Turns your own Megga-man into a super-hero. You can be sure that when Megga-Man and Bag-Ladeez shoppers go out together, they'll always look eye-catching (still fat though).

Komik Kal:  Kalvin's (that's his real name) comic shop is a store with something for everyone. He also has DVD's and Blue-rays.  For those with extra-smutty taste, please visit Kal's annexe called Komik-Strip.  Kal claims to have a branch in Bangkok too, but we're not sure. He has a blonde Russian trophy wife called Tatiana, who's not much older than Kal's teenage daughter Kimberlee.

Nick's Nirvana: This is your one-stop-shop for gifts and knick-knacks. They have incense, greeting cards, wrapping-papers, kid's party stuff and even some cook-books (kept under the counter) with 'interesting ingredients'. e.g. Magic Mushroom Vol au Vents and Omelettes or Weed-infused Layer-Cake. Fortunately Nick's shop is located at the opposite end of the mall to Komik-Kal, as they reportedly  hate each other and recently provided entertainment for the customers at the Pinokio's Pantry Cafe, by way of a punch-up. We heard it was a set-up, but we're not sure. They really truly loathe each other, though. Why? Well, we did hear a rumour that Nick was secretly dating Kal's daughter ( from a previous marriage)and we don't know if he still is . Kal's daughter Kimberlee is nineteen and Nick is forty-five plus. Anyway Pinokio's did great business that day from Scrubbers hoping for a repeat performance. More about Pinokio's later.

Tantrumz Plus: Caters for kids wear and toys. A very aptly –named shop, as here in the mall many a tantrum occurs, but if you whack,no-one is likely to report you as an abusive parent.

Bunyan's Shoes: Managed by Barb Bunyan and as the name suggests, they sell feet-torturing shoes. They have a no-returns policy as they claim they are sick of Scrubbers bringing back broken shoes and no receipt. There's a sign in the window saying 'we don't want to fight with you so please choose carefully'.

By now you probably want to rest your rainbow ugg-booted feet, light a cigarette and relax over a coffee and yummy snack. Scrubber-Town has a good range of eateries.

Try Pinokio's Pantry: This one's really for the kids, who love it,because the staff all wear false Pinocchio noses ( yes, we're quite sure they lie too, especially about the bill). They have Coke and Fanta on tap and you only have to pay for the first one.

Cup-Cake City:  At this little gem there's a huge variety of sugary cakes in neon colours. Take your kids home a trans-fat treat today.

Stuff-Ya-Face Cafe: Called Stuff-Ya's by the locals, it sells all the fat and salt-laden pies, pasties, sausage rolls you love plus,  chips and gravy are available too. Not to mention hot-dogs, donuts and pizzas. Treat yourself to the king-size Pizza.

If you need some me-time, leave the kids to be minded at the Tunnel-of Torment, which caters for the over 10's. It's a kind of Haunted –House meets Bouncy Castle. Here, your daughters are likely to be recruited by girl-gang members of the recently-formed Spite-Club. How will you know this has happened? When they start disappearing in the evenings and you get calls from the police station late at night. For the younger ones there is Bubble-Trubble, with bubble- blowing fun and recycled Play-doh eating. They say it's supervised,but we're not sure. Try it out though, if you want a break from your screaming, runny-nosed and over-tired toddler. For those who want to leave their kid for longer, there's the Little Buggers' crèche, which has been free, but the manager says they're going to have to start charging a small fee. Scrubbers have been protesting about this, to no avail. Scrubbers like everything for nothing.

Before you leave, treat your head-ache or stomach –ache at Phil's Pills, a great pharmacy with a reputation for giving that little bit extra from under the counter. Phil's is also a hang-out for girls from the Spite-Club, so watch your handbags and yourselves.

Why not take home a delicious bag of salty nuts for eating in front of the telly later? Nutters offer a wide range of nuts and they're real nutters themselves. Yes, we're talking about you, Noel and Noeline Nutter. Expect heaps of abuse if you venture in and don't buy. Another corner of their shop is called Rotters and It's full of brightly coloured lolly-pops and boiled sweets. Just the thing for your ADHD kid to get their hands on, as well as financing your dentist's next overseas holiday.( that's if you have a dentist).

We hope you've survived your trip to Scrubber –Town. Please call again. Come and spend all your ill-gotten dollars and bring your friends and family.

StopPress: We've just heard that a new medical clinic is about to open. It will be managed by Dr. Una Abels, who is a clinical psychologist and she'll have a team of GP's as well as another psychologist and maybe even a dietician. Not sure whether the dietician will get any work as people here thrive on junk food. Doctor Una is rumoured to be a bit of a do-gooder and she has said she's going to take the 'Spite-Club' girls under her wing and conduct an 'anti-gang' programme. We wish her good luck with that one.

MoreStop Press! Also coming to Scrubber-Town is Asteroid Travel, an outlet for the Nation's new budget airline Asteroid Air. You'll also be able to book for the Around the World, Around the Corner resort. See next chapter which will tell you all about it.

In case you're wondering who 'we' are, we're best friends Lainie and Janie and we have been asked to work as roving reporters for our brand new shopping centre. We'll bring you news of sales, staff profiles, so as you can get to know the staff in various shops,competitions and of course plenty of gossip. We're so excited about this and can't wait to explore all the scandal. The news-letter will be known as the Scrubber-Town Sagas.

Talk to youse soon

Lainie and Janie. xx

Be sure to get your Scrubber-Town VIP card from the Scrubber-Town admin centre. Costs just $20.00 to join the VIP programme and then all sorts of rewards are yours.;Skye Frye told us to say that. We're not sure if it's true though.