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Reviewed by: LordsSword
Book Title: What if; A Harry Potter Fanfiction
Author's Name: Demiwitch_Fangirl
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Title: 4/10
Questions can be very intriguing in a title, especially in certain genres. However, the question 'what if' lacks force because it doesn't say what the 'if' is. This makes the title a little vague.
Tips:
Maybe think of what exactly the 'if' is, and play off of that.
For example: a big 'if' in your story is the Coronavirus and online learning. So maybe something like 'Online Magic'?
Cover: 7/10
I love the contrast between the white and blue effects and the rest of the cover. It's simply gorgeous looking. The words are legible too, which is very important. The problem is with the rest of the cover. It's hard to make out what's going on there because it's all almost the exact same shade. What I can make out seems to be a dementor ... a plague and a wreath thing in the center ... and something wooden. Possibly the front of an old ship or a bridge or something. I don't know what of these I'm supposed to be looking at: the flames or something I can barely make out. The lack of a definable focus makes it hard to feel intrigued.
Tips:
One thing you can do is go to the lower layers and change the contrast so that the images are more definable. Or you can remove most of that darkened stuff to leave the flame effect and a bit more.
Blurb: 10/10
I love the blurb. Good blurbs introduce the situation and then get you to ask a question. Most of what I've seen tends to add tension, but yours adds a mysterious vibe, which is fresh and leaves me just as curious as if you went for the tension.
Plot/Flow: 12/20
One problem most authors have when writing a first chapter is to find a way to introduce a character and their world, their 'norm' and keeping it exciting enough to hook the reader.
You do this successfully. Unfortunately, later chapters do not keep with what seems to be the main characters (Rowan, Ashley, and Johnathon), which makes those chapters seem a bit aimless.
Overall, I have no idea what your plot is except what's mentioned in the blurb. As it is only chapter 3, it's fine that it hasn't kicked off yet, however, I would have liked to see threads of the plot by now.matter.
Tips:
To help with the distraction from the main characters, maybe write the chapters in the perspectives of one of them, so that you keep learning about them. Alternatively, you can make them a part of the drama between Harry, Snape, and Draco. As for your lack of story threads, odd circumstances can clue in a reader that there is something going on, like perhaps the computer/app could glitch.
Characters/Character development: 6/10
I love the characters. They're exciting. The problem is that I want to learn more about them, and I hardly have.
Tips:
I would suggest including your three main characters. Comment on how they're reacting. Show what they think of this. Try to focus on them first and other characters second.
Writing Style and Grammar: 8/10
There was very little description in your story, which would have made the events in your story seem more real. Besides that, I liked the writing style, your word choices, and your grammar.
Tips:
My advice to help with description is to take a mental or physical picture of the character's surroundings and to ask yourself questions about it, even characters you've shown pictures of or who fans would know. For example, picture the sorting hat. What color is it? The shape? The texture? What does it smell like? Think about those answers as you place the sorting hat on the new characters' heads. You don't need all of them, just a few different senses to make it seem real.
Genre relevance: 10/10
Kind of hard to screw up being relevant to the fanfiction genre. You include both the world and the characters, and either one would be enough for me.
Reader enjoyment and communication with the readers: 7/10
I enjoyed your story a lot, but so far there is no strong communication with the reader, because readers don't know whose story they're listening to. Ashley and her gang or Harry's?
Tips:
I would suggest tightening some of those story threads by looking over events carefully and deciding how important they are to the plotline. If you must keep them, see if you can add some other elements about the overall story and character development into those events.
Overall: 64/100
What I like the most about your story is the characters and their interactions. I love the way you portray them. They seem very interesting and multi-faceted. Snape is amusing. I also love the premise. It has me interested.
However, there is a lot that still needs work. Your descriptions, your plot, and your flow can use a lot of work.
It's hard to envision what's going on without descriptions. Descriptions are what makes the story feel real. Without it, it's hard to be sucked into a story. As I've said before, this can be fixed by asking yourself questions about a scene. What I didn't say was that your answers don't have to be cut and dry. On one hand, some of your descriptions can be simple: 'Her clothes were ragged and torn, her hair was dark brown and greasy. Her blue eyes had shadows under them.'
On the other hand, you can also use your descriptions to subtly invoke a feeling, using creative ways to describe your scenes: 'With her clothes, dirty and covered in patches, and her drk, greasy hair, she reminded me of an abandoned ragdoll. She had pretty blue eyes, though they only served to make the shadows beneath them seem bigger, as though she might soon become only a shadow herself.'
See the difference? Using non-literal ways to describe a character can make it easier for readers to understand and picture. If you want, you can even use this to establish the speaking character, by considering what comparisons they'd use. Someone in the military might describe someone differently than a schoolgirl. If you're using the third person perspective, you can use whatever descriptions you want.
As for your plot and flow, your major problem is that it's moving slowly. There is nothing to establish the stakes, which lowers the suspense. What are the main characters risking? That should be clear fairly early, as well as what they're risking it for.
For example: Let's say that I'm writing a story about a pair of bakers. Early on, say, two chapters in, something happens that establishes the danger. In this case, let's say that someone poisons Baker A's cake, and Baker A gets accused of murder. Not long after, Baker A and Baker B decide to investigate and the adventure starts.
This establishes the adventure (investigating who poisoned the cake) and the stakes (death, like the person who got poisoned, and they might be branded as criminals). Now, readers want to know both how Bakers A and B are going to solve this mystery and also if they're going to make it out unscathed.
It's important that this happens early so that you can easily hook your readers. As a rule of thumb, this should happen within five chapters.
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