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Reviewed by: Crazy LordsSword

Book Title: Elements || The Lost Medallion

Author's Name: Anastaciawolf

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Title: 8/10

The first part of the title, Elements, isn't as intriguing, but very clearly relates to your story up to now.

The second part of your title, The Lost Medallion, instantly grabs my attention. It's a title that makes me ask questions about your story (what is the medallion? Why is it important? How was it lost? Etc.), which is good. That builds intrigue. However, it does not have a clear relation to the story. There are sixteen story chapters in your book currently, yet I have not heard anything about a medallion.

My last problem with the title is very minor; why are there two parts to your title? Is it meant to be part of a series? If so, which part is the series title? Elements would be my guess, but you could stand to be a little more clear about this in your blurb (which I will go into more detail about later).

Tips:

There are a few simple guidelines for making the first part of your title more intriguing. (Keep in mind that this is not a game-changer or of vital importance unless you intend for Elements to be the name of the series.) Use 'The' before Elements to give it a sense of importance. Elements on its own is cool, but The Elements sends off a vibe of boldness to potential readers. For similar reasons, you might want to be more specific. Your second part is about the lost medallion, not just any medallion. Similarly, your series title should be specific rather than vague. Plenty of good authors do this too. Since your story is inspired by Rick Riordan's stories, I'll use Percy Jackson as an example a lot. Percy Jackson's second series is called The Heroes of Olympus. (See how it specifies which heroes we're talking about?)

Now not all authors go this route. You could also name your series after the main character, like in Percy Jackson's first series or in Harry Potter, or some other important name in your series, like how Fablehaven is the name of the 'sanctuary' the story takes place in. Now, single word titles aren't as good, but you can use them if they are the title of the first book and you add a 'the' before and something series-y after (trilogy, series, chronicles, etc.), like The Divergent Series.

Onto the second part of the title: The Lost Medallion. Some advice: you should introduce the idea of the medallion early on without spilling all of its secrets. In the first Percy Jackson, the concept of some crime being committed, apparently by Percy, is introduced in chapter 1, but vaguely. In chapter five, we learn something is stolen. By chapter 9, we learn that it's Zeus's master bolt. If this lost medallion is important, we should learn the concept of it early, and slowly introduce more and more details.

Cover: 10/10

I love your cover. The color scheme is well chosen and kept to. All of the text is readable. It's not too chaotic (you only have the medallion and the wolf silhouettes). Finally, the golden streak in the horizon well serves the purpose of drawing the eye to the main feature of your cover: the medallion. Overall, your cover artist did an impressive job and you did well to choose that cover.

Blurb: 7/10

One problem with your blurb is the fact that none of this has happened yet. If the events of your blurb happen too late, readers will be wondering when the adventure happens, so be careful with that. Currently, it stretches a little long, but it's not a major problem.

Another problem is that readers don't learn anything about the main character or Anastacia in this blurb. It leads to questions like, 'Who is Anastacia, and why do Eclipse and Eliana care?' and 'Who are Eclipse and Eliana anyway?' These questions aren't the type to get you, readers. It's important to explain who the characters are so that they have reason to be invested.

Besides, the quote at the end of your blurb seems a little out of place. It doesn't connect to the rest of your blurb very well.

The last problem is an aesthetic thing. Your blurb starts with: 'One letter, a million changes.' (Amazing tagline, by the way.) It's in a paragraph, however, which means it doesn't get the attention it deserves.

One last thing. This problem carries over from your title. There's no explanation about whether it's a series or not.

Tips:

Make sure that while you're introducing the world of your story, as in all of the chapters where your characters are meeting other elements and where your characters are participating in normal golden circle activity, that you include enough hints to the adventure waiting for them. Things like cryptic conversation or eavesdropping could be used to show readers that you haven't forgotten the blurb and what your plot is.

As for the trouble with the main characters, maybe you can start with a brief statement about who they are and what Anastacia means to them, before moving on to how Anastacia was taken and there's a spy in the camp.

When it comes to the quote, I would suggest making the quote related to the description of the blurb, for context reasons. Maybe include the whole conversation? Or just pick a quote that has something to do with whether or not they'll go on the mission.

For the aesthetic of your blurb, I would suggest that you put the tagline on a paragraph of its own so that it can stand out.

As for whether or not this is a series, all you need to do to make that clear is write, at the end of the blurb, 'Book One of the Elements Trilogy' or something like that.

Plot/Flow: 14/20

Most of my problems in this aspect have to do with your flow. It's too fast in some places and too slow in others.

In the beginning, I would like to learn more about who your characters are and why I care about them before their life gets thrown completely upside down.

Later in the story, you're showing their camp life, which is good, but it's taking too long for the adventure to start. While I definitely can see the pros of showing how the camp works, it's also important to keep the plot faster-paced in the middle portion of the book, to keep your readers as hooked as they were in the beginning. It's better if your readers are asking, 'What's going to happen next?' rather than 'When's that adventure featured in the blurb going to happen?'

Tips:

So in your first part, you're moving too fast. While I wouldn't suggest filler, I would suggest taking time to introduce characters. This doesn't mean to hold off on action and excitement. You can still be fast-paced in that regard. It just means you need to be a little slower with introducing your plot points.

The beginning of stories is usually to introduce the ordinary life of your characters. Which can still be exciting! There are plenty of ordinary circumstances that can up the ante, you just need to choose those to start your story with and use that to show readers who your characters are and where they start.

What you need is an emergency of some sort that is something found in their normal life. It could happen any day but doesn't.

For example, let's say Eliana and Eclipse have to deal with a bully at school. (They kind of do, but I mean that it's a bigger deal sort of thing like it should seem major to them at the time. Maybe he's got a weapon or a gang behind him?) That's one of the more interesting circumstances you might see in a school setting, which is where you start.

Using that, you can start to show the Eliana-Eclipse friendship dynamic. Does one rush headfirst, fierce and headstrong, but also impulsive? Is one of the cautious, approaching the situation calmly and with restraint? Do either of them try to get the other to do something (move on, face the situation, or calm down and think)?

You can also give a hint as to their relationship with the teachers this way. Do they treat them as problem students and punish Eliana or Eclipse or both? Do they treat this situation fairly? Do they seem surprised? Do they support Eliana/Eclipse's decision? (And if so, do they audibly support it or just try not to laugh?)

Then, you can also show how Eclipse and Anastacia interact. Would she be stressed, proud, angry, or disappointed by the fight?

You can even thread in some foreshadowing. Like maybe something weird happens when they go to stop the bully, something related to whatever element they are eventually revealed to have.

I would advise that this early stuff happens in two chapters or so, at the end of which she finds the letter (but doesn't get told what it is.)

Now, you don't have to go by this example, I'd suggest you don't so that you can practice this method for yourself, but whenever you get to editing, think about how characters interact with each other (including with mass characters, like the student body in general or teachers in general) and how best to show that in a way that's drawing to the readers. (By showing character relations, it reveals things about the characters themselves. It should be exciting to hook readers from the first page.) Once you feel you've shown your characters and their 'normal', you can start with the hook of the story (the letter).

On to the later chapters. If you're set on having the capture the flag game, make sure there are still plenty of clues in your story, about what their element is, what the medallion is, and so on.

Characters/Character development: 4/10

If I'm being honest, when you switch between Eliana and Eclipse, I can't tell which one it is without double-checking, hence the low score. They shouldn't feel alike.

Tips:

It's important to have different feels for different characters. Here are a few tips on how to do that:

Have sayings, phrases, and words specific to the character. (These will be subtle hints to a reader who's narrating. Don't make it excessive.)

Have a different set of tones for different narrators. (You can do this by changing the verbiage to different tones.

Example of tone change (neutral): "The cow jumped over the moon."

(excited): "Oh, wow! The cow just flew over the moon. Did you see that?"

(scornful): "That dumb cow went over the moon. Typical."

(bored): "Oh, look. A cow just jumped over the moon."

(shocked): "What the heck? I didn't know cows could go all the way over the moon!"

Some characters will be more prone to have certain tones, so you should take a set of tones the character would use in various circumstances and use those.)

Have your character's personality, outlook on life, and past affect what kind of comparisons and descriptions they use internally. (For example, a seasoned soldier could be brief and to the point, describing the basics as well as combat information, whereas a dour poet could describe things in long, metaphorical explanations, that usually have a somber note to them.)

Have different thought processes for your characters. (There are many different ways to reason. Having characters reason differently makes it easier to know who's who.)

That's all I have for now. It's a ton of little things that make up the 'feel' of a character. Constructing different viewpoints is subtle. That makes it hard to quantify the difference between their viewpoints. Which also makes it hard to tell you how to make it different. Start with these. I would suggest taking two or three books with first-person perspective narrators as different as you can imagine and compare their internal dialogue.

Writing Style and Grammar: 9/10

No major grammar problems or issues with your writing style here. I only have one comment, that's sort of personal preference. I think when characters say something, it looks neater and draws the eye better if you separate it like this: "Hey, guys!" as opposed to this: 'Hey, guys!'. That's all. as I said, it's not major, just keep it in mind.

Genre relevance: 10/10

I'd say it fits the genre you gave me pretty well.

Tips:

You might want to pin down what subgenres of fantasy your story is because that affects what kind of readers you want to attract, which then affects things like your cover and blurb. This isn't going to lose you any points, because just saying fantasy works fine. It's just a good idea to know what subgenres your story can fit in.

Reader enjoyment and communication with the readers: 9/10

Despite the problems in your story, I genuinely like it. It's a good read, pretty well written, and I would recommend it. You convey well what you mean and I liked your descriptions. You only have a few problems with the delivery, and those are things I already mentioned, like the perspectives and the flow. Especially the flow. I'm very excited to see them go on their adventure!

Keep up the good work! I enjoyed reading it.

Overall: 71/100

I very rarely give people scores in the eighties and I have never given people a score above ninety, so coming from me, this is a good score. As I've said before, I enjoy your story. There are a lot of things you do well, like the scene with Ultimul. The drama and emotion was very real. I like your descriptions as well.

All the problems I've already mentioned, except for one. It doesn't make sense for Anastacia to go, (paraphrasing) 'Yeah, I've just told you things to change your life and shatter your view of your mom, so let's go on a camping trip.' Just a little bit of further explanation would be nice, like 'I'll explain more/answer all of your questions when we get there.' Didn't know which segment it would fit in, so it's here.

Other than that, it's just the narration voices, the blurb, and your flow, which I've already covered.