Title: King of the Deltas

Author: MagesHeir

Genre: Fantasy

Quick Summary: Boy gets bullied to hospitalization. Then, magic.

Thoughts:

We spend a little too much time describing things and running on in our sentences and going on grand monologues that it's a bit difficult to get into this story. Have you ever read a sentence that just kept going and going, and you looked for the punctuation signifying the sentence's end but there wasn't one so you just keep reading and finding several places where a sentence-ending punctuation mark could be and then, finally, to your relief, there is one but at this point the sentence is so long your head just hurts?

That's... quite what reading this book felt like. And when we weren't diving into sentences a mile-long, we're going into descriptions that overstay their welcome. A detail here or there about blood on the ground or the hospital room or whatnot is fine. Encouraged, even. But there is a lot of tiny things described that don't serve the narrative and honestly, drag everything down.

To add insult to injury, the chapters are so short that the pacing as a result is. It's. It's very weird? It's very quick in terms of pacing but the writing itself is slower so it kinda feels like going into hyperdrive while stuck in a bog of molasses.

To the point, the writing could use a handy round with a hacksaw.

Another thing in need of hacking: the telling.

There is. So much telling. Telling us the story of MC's mom. Telling us the "story of the world" and whatnot. What even was the point of that chapter? I'm not sure. We went from showering and self-hatred to the very next chapter being like "oh yeah magic is real" with no prompt.

Slow down. Take more time with this idea. Dealing with all of this - the magic, MC's sexuality, the general plot - is not something you can just shove at us in the first four chapters. Let your readers breathe. Let this story breathe.

You could have something cool here if you did that.