H A P P I E R

NANUYO ang lalamunan ko habang nakatayo ako sa harap niya at ganun-ganun na lang ang pintig ng puso ko sa takot at kaba. But a sucker that I am, I still couldn't help myself from gazing at his face and look at his eyes that were full of cynical glint, drinking him in with a greed I couldn't suppress, no matter how much I try. I wondered if Rozach ever looked soft and approachable? Or did I just forget that about him?

His jaw worked as he looked at me like I'm the worthless person he's ever known, and even though my heart was dangerously palpitating inside my ribs, I tried hard not to turn away and run. Kahit ngayon lang. I know he hates me, that I'm the least person he wanted to see, but I don't want to walk away. Because this might be the last chance I'll have to be this close to him.

Pero bigla siyang pumuhit at nagsimulang umalis.

"Zach, sandali." Mabilis akong humakbang pasunod sa kanya at pilit na inabot ng kamay ko ang kaya nitong abutin para pigilan siyang makalayo. My hand desperately latched onto his shirt when we got to the elevator.

He stopped just before he reached the button and with a slow move, he turned his head to fix my hand an annoyed look. His piercing eyes climbed up to mine. "Take your shit off me," he drawled.

Agad ko siyang binitawan na tila ako napaso at tumingin sa damit niyang nalukot dahil sa akin. "I'm... sorry."

I heard a strangled groan, kaya ako napatingin ulit sa kanya. His head was angled up and his eyes were shut as if he was struggling to curb his anger.

Mali yatang pinigilan ko siya. Maybe I should talk to him when he calms down... Pero paano kung totohanin niya ang sinabi niya kanina?

He suddenly whirled around and my heart skittered farther from where it was caged. Napahawak ako sa dibdib ko at pinilit na kumalma.

I thought he'll leave. Hinintay ko siyang umalis, pero hindi niya ako iniwan katulad ng inaasahan ko. He actually stayed even though we both know he couldn't wait to be so far away from me. "What?" he snapped.

Sinalubong ko ang matalim niyang mga matang nakatunghay sa akin. I swallowed. "G-gusto ko lang sabihin na..."

He sighed heavily that screams impatience.

"Walang kasalanan si Erika kaya 'wag kang magalit sa kanya. She's just worried about the band, kaya niya ako inalok..."

"And you're not even slightly ashamed that you're listening behind the door."

I felt the heat of embarrassment rising up to my face. Pakiramdam ko'y nanliliit ako sa paraan ng pagtitig niya. I could see that he's growing angrier every time I open my mouth and I feel I was shrinking with every second that I stood there.

With an effort, I kept my voice steady, trying to quell the ache that was burning inside me. "I know you're angry and you don't want me here—"

"Angry?" He mocked with a laugh. "Wala ka ba talagang alam? You're more stupid than I thought."

Hinid ko pinansin ang sinabi niya. "You don't have to quit. I'll do it. I'll leave once Erika found a replacement. Ako ang aalis—"

"How predictable..."

"—pagtiisan mo na lang na nandito ako."

"Pagtiisan?" asik niya ata mabilis na hinaklit ang braso ko. His grip was so painful on my arm and yet, it still lit tiny fires that raced over my skin like how it has been. "Bakit ko gagawin iyon? Sino ka para pagtiisan at pag-aksayahan ko ng oras?" he gritted and let my arm go, jerking it off. "I can't even stand to look at you."

I tried not to let the pain show and kept my face as empty as I could. But it's not easy. When it comes to him... I always fail.

He's right, though. Sino ba ako para pag-aksayahan niya ng pasensya?

"'Wag kang mag-alala," I smiled tightly, fighting that sudden ache in my throat. "Hindi rin naman ako magtatagal. Aalis kaagad ako kapag hindi niyo na ako kailangan. I'll leave and you'll never have to see me again." Hindi mo na kailangang pagtiisan ako at hindi ko na rin kailangang magtiis.

Nanatili ang mga mata niya sa akin. His face was unreadable, but there was something in his eyes that felt so familiar to me. Something that makes the world fade around us. It's always been like this with him. One look at his eyes and I'm sucked in. Wala pa ring nagbago. Three years still didn't change how I feel around him. It still didn't change despite knowing that he hates me.

But that gentle look didn't last. I watched as hatred took place and those mesmerizing eyes darkened like pools of black hole. There's no emotion left on his face and it crushed me to know I did this to him

"Diyan ka naman magaling e. Aalis ka kung kalian mo gusto. You're a heartless monster, you now that?"

That throbbing pain again.

He took a step to me, and another and I watched him warily as he got closer. "You're terrified of me. Kaya ngayon gusto mong tumakbo dahil ayaw mo na. Hindi mo na kaya," aniya habang patuloy na lumalapit sa akin, unti-unti akong ikinukulong sa pagitan niya at ng dingding. He pressed one palm against the wall and leaned closer to me, his breath warming my face. "But what should I do? I like watching your face when you break in front of me. Gusto mong umalis?" His smirk dropped fast from his face and stepped back. "You took the job, so do it. Ikaw ang dapat magtiis, Alysson. Magtiis ka hanggang sa kaya mo. Tingnan natin kung gaano ka tatagal."

I bit my trembling lip, enduring the physical pain that was stabbing my chest.

"I admit, " he smiled cruelly as his thumb caught the tear that escaped my eyes and wiped it away. "I'd like to see you cry until you break."

I watched him turn his back on me without even giving me a chance to speak. Pero ano ba ang sasabihin ko pagkatapos ng mga sinabi niya? He pushed the button and quickly stepped inside as soon as the doors opened as though he couldn't get away fast enough.

Is that what I've done to him? Kaya iyon ang gusto niyang mangyari?

Would it make him completely happy if I tell him he already got his wish? That I'm already suffering and helpless? That I'm slowly breaking?

I wonder.

IT WAS after fifteen minutes of waiting outside the hotel with my bag when a sleek black rover stopped in front of the lobby. Hinintay kong bumaba roon si Theo dahil siya daw ang susndo sa akin sabi ni Erika, pero hindi bumukas ang pintuan. Instead, the passenger's window rolled down and I saw Kid on the driver's seat.

"Get in," he said in his clip tone. He's annoyed, kaya hindi na ako nagtagal doon at ipinasok ang bag ko sa likod habang nanatili siya sa loob.

When I was done, I hesitantly opened the passenger's door and climbed in, not really sure where he wanted me to sit. And it would make me look even more pathetic if I start asking him if I could sit elsewhere. His presence unnerved and unsettled me that I was almost tempted to ask him if he could go to the bar without me.

I sank into the soft comfort of the seat and watched warily as I slid next to me. I still haven't had a normal conversation with him since the day I came back. And being alone with him now doesn't make it any easier.

Kailangan ko ba talagang pumunta?

I closed my eyes in frustration. Ilang beses ko nang tinanong iyon kay Erika kanina habang kausap ko siya sa telepono, and she tells me the same answer.

"You have to come, Ali. You're officially a part of us. Gusto ko ring makilala ka ng team. It'll be fun! Besides, the band deserves a night out. I'll go deaf if Kip doesn't stop pestering me about it. And take your luggage with you. We won't come back in the hotel dahil diretso na tayo sa next location natin."

Where is your next concert location?, I wanted to ask Kid, pero agad ko ring napigilan ang sarili ko nang matapunan ko siya ng tingin. He looked downright irritated. I wonder if that was because Erika couldn't come early or because he's stuck with me.

Could be both.

So I just sat there tight-lipped throughout the drive. Kid didn't seem to be so bothered by it anyway. Panay lang ang tingin niya sa cellphone niya at sa daan.

The sun was already out when we arrived. He parked his car on the available parking lot and stopped. It's a local bar outside town and it's a long way from the hotel kaya inabot na kami ng ilang oras.

Walang imik niyang pinatay ang kotse at bumaba. I removed my seatbelt and got out too. Hindi na ako hinintay ni Kid. He pushed open the double doors and went inside.

I wonder how long will he keep ignoring me. Siguro galit na galit siya sa akin dahil sa ginawa ko sa kaibigan niya. Maybe he'll only talk to me if Rozach will forgive me.

I sucked in a bracing breath and followed him inside, ignoring the heavy pool of unease settling in my stomach. A thick whiff of humidity slammed into me, stealing the clean air from my lungs in an instant as soon as I walked inside the bar. It reminded me of days when I used to come here to watch the band perform bar after bar. It felt eons ago.

I was watching Kid walk ahead of me and into a private booth when I saw Kip with some girls around him. Katulad ng sinabi ni Erika, nandito na ang tour team at susunod daw siya rito pagkkatapos ng meeting niya, which will end after an hour now.

Theo was there too. Hindi ko alam kung alam niyang siya dapat ang susundo sa akin, or maybe Erika forgot to tell him kaya si Kid ang nandoon. Erika shouldn't have bothered him. Kaya ko namang sumunod dito nang mag-isa.

Or maybe she was worried you wouldn't come at all.

I sighed. Pagkatapos ng mga sinabi ni Rozach kaninang umaga... Erika could rest her mind in peace.

My eyes still wandered, and stopped when I realized who I was trying to find in that booth. I noticed Kip was waving at me when he saw me and I dipped my head in greeting. What happened to Kiara and him? Did they break up?

Napailing na lang ako. What's the use of asking that kind of questions? I don't even understand why I bother. Alam ko namang hindi ko na dapat tinatanong iyon dahil matagal ko nang tinanggal sarili ko sa buhay nila.

I occupied a seat of the vacant table in the corner, casting a glance around the unusually full local bar. Hindi ito madalas mapuno katulad ng mga bar na tinutugtugan ng banda noon. But it doesn't mean it's a bad place for a local bar. It's quite spacious and the food here is nice. I know that for a fact because I've been here thrice, pang-apat ngayon. Nagtrabaho ako rito ng tatlong gabi noon dahil kinailangan ko ng pandagdag gastos bago makahanap ng matutuluyan. I couldn't recall ever seeing this place this crowded before.

Looking at the girl at the bar, I remembered it was a boy who used to work behind there. Wala na siguro siya dito, at wala rin akong makitang pamilyar na waiter at waitress. Sa tingin ko'y hindi nagtatagal ang mga staff dito dahil sa liit ng sweldo at kakulangan ng costumer.

Isang unipormadong waiter ang lumapit sa akin at hiningi ang gusto kong inumin. I flirted with the idea of ordering an alcoholic beverage, but the stern lecturing voice of Gemma resounded in my conscience. So I just chose a soft drink and a plate of fries with it. Kailangan ko pang hintayin si Erika bago kumain ng dinner. It's okay, though. Hindi pa naman ako nagugutom.

Mabilis na dumating ang order ko. I sat there quietly sipping my drink while listening to the wild music that the DJ was cranking up on his booth, and sighed. I really wished I stayed in the hotel. Kung hindi lang sila aalis bukas...

Hindi man lang ako nakapagpaalam kay Gemma na mawawala ako ng isang buwan. Maybe I'll make it up to her... I'm thinking of giving her a free ticket para sa concert ng Radical sa darating na linggo. Of course, she will kill me for keeping this a secret, but she'll love the surprise. Ngayon pa lang ay nae-excite na akong dalhin siya sa concert nila.

My attention was caught by a group of squealing and giggling women. "Look at them," one girl sighed, dropping her chin into her palm. "They're so hot."

Lahat sila'y nakatingin sa VIP area kung nasaan nakapuwesto ang banda kasama ang iilang babaeng hindi ko alam kung saan nila natagpuan. I watched the girls laugh at something that Kip was saying and Kid was too happy to ignore them all. Mukhang masaya na siya kahit cellphone lang ang kausap niya, while Theo sat there with his familiar bored face while a girl tries hard to keep his wandering attention. Is picking up girls their past time now?

My eyes kept crawling at the furthest corner of the booth, but there's a limit to what my eyes can see. Kahit gaano ko pahabain ang leeg ko, I still couldn't spot Rozach and see what's he's doing or who's keeping him entertained. I sighed and stopped craning my neck. Naliligaw na naman ang paningin ko.

"Ikaw lang mag-isa?"

Napabaling ako sa may-ari ng boses na iyon at nagulat akong makita si Kian na nakatayo na sa tabi ko. Where did he come from? Why's he here? I doubt if he's a part of the tour team.

"Ang aga mong umalis kahapon."

"May... may kinailangan lang akong gawin." Nagtatakang pinanood ko siya habang umuupo siya sa bakanteng stool na kaharap ko.

Did he not know about what happened at the shoot? Maybe he was too busy to notice anything.

"So, how's your experience?"

"Huh?" I blinked at him.

"Yesterday. About the shoot? First time mo iyon, 'di ba? Hindi ka ba nahirapan?"

"Oh, that..." I cleared my throat. Right. He thought it was my first time. Maybe I should've corrected him. Pero hindi ko naman akalain mag-uusap pa kami pagkatapos no'n. "It was... nice. Marami akong natutunan. Salamat." I smiled and sipped on my drink.

"That's great. Actually, you're a fast learner. Kung hindi lang kinomperma ni Rika na BS Ed student ka noon, I'd think you were a pro. I was impressed!"

Sinubukan kong ngumiti sa kabila ng pamumula ng pisngi ko. I dipped my head and used my hair to hide my face. I can't believe I'm blushing right now. Buti na lang at medyo madilim dito sa bar. He won't probably notice it.

Mabuti na lang din at may lumapit na waiter at hiningi ang order ni Kian. It's the same waiter who asked for my drink. Nasurprisa ako nang humingi si Kian ng beer imbis na um-order ng mas mabigat na inumin katulad ng ibang naroon.

My eyes helplessly travelled back to the VIP area. Everybody seemed so ready to drink 'til they pass out.

"Rika mentioned na dati ka nang parte ng team. But you left to work."

My back straightened and my wandering eyes returned back to Kian. "Ang dami niyo sigurong napagkuwentuhan ni Erika tungkol sa'kin."

He smiled. "Actually, nagtanong lang ako tungkol sayo. She was just being polite kaya niya ako sinasagot."

"Pwede mo naman akong tanungin kung may gusto kang malaman. I'm sure, Erika's too busy to entertain questions about me."

It actually bothered me that he's asking things about me, lalo na kay Erika. It's not that I don't trust her, but she can be a bit worrisome sometimes. Nadudulas ang dila niya kapag marami siyang ginagawa o iniisip at ayokong may mabanggit pa siyang hindi na dapat malaman ni Kian.

"Really? So I can ask you then?" he asked and I saw his eyes light up.

Tumango ako at bahagyang ngumiti, saglit na kinutuban. "Oo naman."

Bumuka ang bibig niya, akmang magtatanong. Pero nahinto siya sa pagdating ng waiter dala ang in-order niyang beer. "Thanks, dude," he told the waiter with a nod. When the waiter was gone, he turned his attention to me again with an excited glint in his eyes.

"I remember, may gusto akong itanong sa kanya kahapon, but I wasn't able to." Nagkibit siya ng balikat at uminom ng kanyang beer.

"Ano iyon?"

He put down his mug and eyed me with genuine interest. "Do you have a boyfriend?"

"Uhm..." I instinctively leaned back, guarding my glass of juice with my hands.

"Am I being too straightforward?" he smiled and frowned. "Tinakot yata kita sa tanong ko. I'm sorry. Interesado lang kasi akong malaman," he confessed.

"It's okay." Umiling ako at tumingin sa VIP area.  They're all having tons of fun over there. Kip was still crazy laughing and Kid was now frowning down at his phone. Samantalang si Theo naman ay ganoon pa rin. Nakasimangot at mukhang bagot na bagot. 

"So, do you?"

Bumalik ang tingin ko kay Kian. Is he still on the same topic?

"I don't..."

"Really?" manghang tanong niya.

Ngumiti lang ako. "And I'd like to keep it that way."

"Why not? I mean, it's rather unusual na sa ganda mong iyan ay wala pang nanliligaw sayo." He laughed out loud when I rolled my eyes at his lame lines. "No, seriously!" aniya. "You're striking, especially your face. Kung hindi ka lang naging stylist ng banda, I'll sign you as our model."

Sinasabi niya iyon habang titig na titig sa akin kaya hindi ko maiwasang mailang. "Uh... thanks. But me in the magazines would mean bad business."

Tumawa ulit siya. "I assume you don't hear these words so often, do you?"

I shrugged. "Hindi naman kasi ganoon kadami ang kilala ko rito." Even after three years of staying here, I've only known few people. Si Mrs. Go, ang limang katrabaho ko kasama si Gemma, ang landlady at dalawang kapitbahay namin, at ang matandang mag-asawang nakatira sa ibaba ng apartment namin.

"Would you like to dance?" Kian suddenly asked and cocked his head to the floor.

Mabilis akong umiling. "I don't really..."

"Come on, Alysson!"

Mas lalo akong nag-panic nang abutin abutin niya ang braso ko. "Please, don't! Hindi talaga ako marunong sumayaw!" If I went out there right now, I'd start flapping my arm like a chicken wing and it's going to be embarrassing!

"Why not? Everybody can dance."

"Not me. Magmumukha lang akong manok na nawalan ng buntot."

He smiled and tried to hold it back, but his laughter came out bursting and it sounded so audible against the blaring music that it's starting to draw attention from people at the other tables and booths. Like magnets, my eyes went to the VIP area, and my smile faded when I saw Rozach in clear view. Matatalim ang mga mata niya habang nakatingin sa table namin. They could've been daggers and I'll be a bloody cold corpse lying on the floor right now. I looked away.

Kian's laughter eventually died down to a rumbling chuckle, and stared at me for a long time. "You really are something, Alysson," he said, his voice still carrying a trace of laughter.

Nginitian ko lang siya. Inabutan ko siya ng tissue nang makita kong pinupunasan niya ang gilid ng mata niya, and it made him chuckle too. "So what have you been doing before Rika found you?"

"Part time jobs lang... Sino nga pala ang kasama mong nandito?" I asked, looking around for something and frowned when our spot suddenly dimmed, as if someone was blocking the light from us. Tiningnan ko ang pinanggalingan no'n at isang silhouette ng lalaking nakatayo ang nakita ko.

"Get up," that man growled, kicking our table.

My heart almost jerked from surprise and I couldn't help frowning at him. Hindi ko man maaninag nang maayos ang mukha niya'y kilala ko pa rin ang nagmamay-ari ng boses na iyon. Binalingan ko si Kian. I don't know if he noticed the alarm on my face but I could see the confusion on his.

"I said, get the fvck up," mariin niyang utos nang manatili akong nakaupo. Lalo pang nakunot ang noo ni Kian. Obviously, he was confused by Rozach's foul mood as much as I was.

What was he so mad about? May ginawa na naman ba ako?

With a deep breath, I rose. Dahan-dahan kong ibinaba ang paa ko sa sahig mula sa stool at tumayo. Ngunit biglang nagsalita si Kian.

"What do you think you're doing, Mr. Fortaleza?"

"'Wag kang makialam."

Kian scoffed incredulously. "You're being an asshole right now."

Rozach flicked his eyes on him. "Ano ngayon sayo?"

"Kian—" pigil ko nang ambang tatayo siya.

"It's okay, Alysson." Hinawakan niya ang kamay kong nakapatong sa mesa. "You don't have to go."

I heard the warning bells ringing the moment he touched me.

"Hindi mo ba narinig ang sinabi ko?" Rozach's voice sounded so dangerously calm and low.

"It's fine. Sandali lang," sabi ko kay Kian at ibinaba ang kamay ko. Naramdaman ko pa ang pagpigil niya sa akin ngunit mas malakas at mas mabigat ang kamay ni Rozach nang hatakin niya ang braso ko palayo na tila hindi na siya makakapaghintay pa ng ilang segundo.

He was cutting through the thick crowd like nothing as I struggled behind him. He bumped against everyone who was on his way and he doesn't even apologize for it.

Sinusubukan kong kalasin ang kamay ko mula sa kamay niya, but I realized he's only gripping it harder and tighter, and it's hurting me even more. Kaya tumigil na lang ako at hindi pinansin ang mga nagtatakang tingin ng mga taong nadadaanan namin. He was almost dragging me with him out of there and into the hallway to the comfort room.

Marahas niyang itinulak ang pintuan ng girl's room at dire-diretsong pumasok kahit na may mga babaeng naroon. Nagsitili pa sila nang makita kung sino ang pumasok ngunit naudlot ang paglapit nila nang sumigaw si Rozach.

"Everyone, out!"

Fear and confusion widened their eyes. Naguguluhan man ay sumunod silang lahat at nagsitakbo palabas. Rozach immediately shut the door behind them and everything inside me and my body tensed when I heard the lock clicked.

I don't know what's he up to or what's going on inside his mind. He was so still and deceivingly calm as if he was trying to count to keep calm, habang halos mapatid ang bagang ko sa pag-igting nito habang hinihintay ko siyang humarap. Dread was filling me up that I almost forgot to breathe.

"Zach... this is a girl's room."

He scoffed. "You think I don't know?"

"Kung gusto mo akong kausapin, we can go outside."

"And let them see how much you piss me off?" He slowly turned around to face me with a shake of his head. Halos manginig ang kalamnan ko sa galit na nasa mga mata niya. "No... not a chance. Mas gusto ko rito. So you can be alone with me. So that no one can help you this time." Sinasabi niya iyon kasabay ng paghakbang niya.

Distractedly, I raked my hand back through my hair, steeling my nerves that were on a knife edge. My heart trembled hard and it's provoking me to walk away. Run far, far away before something happens that he might regret knowing.

Pinilit kong ikalma ang sarili ko kahit na napakahirap. His damning gaze reminds me of a cat watching a little mouse before it struck out with its lethal claws and it made me desperately wish he would look away. It's scaring so much that my heart felt like it would fail me.

This is what I'd been terrified of. To be alone with him, dahil hindi ko masisigurado kung ano'ng mangyayari. I fear I'd scare him if he knew everything the hard way.

"What do you want, Zach?" Nangingig ang boses ko at tumaas ang sulok ng bibig niya na tila ikinatuwa niya iyon. He said he liked watching my face when he's hurting me.

Maybe he'll be satisfied if he witnessed what real pain does to me. Maybe he'll be happy if I give him what he wants—revenge. And that means I'll have to fade. It doesn't matter what I want. It never really mattered anyway. 

"Why are you so scared, Ali?"

Kumirot ang puso ko nang binanggit niya ang pangalan ko. He said it with that tone that's cutting. I wonder if I'll bleed if he keeps calling me like that, I thought as he continued to walked around me, like a predator circling his misfortunate prey.

"Natatakot ka dahil alam mong gustong-gusto kitang saktan? Natatakot ka dahil sa kung ano'ng pwede kong gawin sa galit mayroon ako sayo?" He stopped as he stood behind me with his eyes looking straight at me in the mirror. I couldn't even look away for the life of me. Ramdam na ramdam ko ang init ng katawan niya kahit na hindi iyon dumidikit sa balat ko.

He leaned closer until I felt his lips touched the soft spot of my ear. "Don't you feel my name burning in your skin every time you let other men touch you?" Halos tumayo lahat ng balahibo ko nang bumulong siya. "Nakalimutan mo siguro kung paano kita minarkahan."

I dragged a difficult breath when I felt his firm hand resting on my hip. "Gusto mo bang ipaalala ko sayo?" aniya at dumapo ang magaspang niyang daliri sa balat ng beywang ko.

Electricity fired all over me and to every cell in my body, my eyes still imprisoned by his dark, intense, penetrating gaze. He let his hand linger before it crawled and disappeared inside my shirt. "Zach..." Sinubukan kong gumalaw, tanggalin ang kamay niya, at lumayo. Ngunit naging dahilan pa iyon nang paghigpit ng hawak niya.

"You want to stop me?" he smiled, menacingly.

I bit my lip. Please, don't destroy my memories, I pleaded silently. Pathetically.

He made his point already. He hates me. He wants me gone. Alam ko na lahat iyon.

I took a deep breath, but it felt a lot like a shudder. "Ano pa ba'ng gusto mong patunayan?"

Lalo pang dumilim ang mga mata niya at marahas na itinaas ang damit ko. I gasped in horror and tried to stop him but he caught my hands with his big ones, effectively trapping me.

The underwire of my black bra was daringly exposed at hindi pa siya nakontento ay itinaas pa niya nang bahagya ang kaliwa para ipakita ang balat na nakatago doon. Sa salamin ay kitang kita ko—namin—ang pangalan niya. Right there, on the underside of my left breast was a black bold ink of his name. ROZACH and three tiny flying doves on the side.

Something flared in his eyes as he let his thumb trace over my skin. "This," he hissed and looked back to my eyes with fury burning in them. "You have my name on your body and yet you still let him touch you. Twice."

Naguguluhan akong tumitig sa kanya. What was he talking about? Who's him?

Pinilit kong alalahanin lahat ng nangyari ngayong araw simula umaga hanaggang ngayon...

Wait. Was he talking about Kian? Oh my God! Is he freaking serious?

Mabilis niya akong binitawan at lumayo bago ko pa maibuka ang bibig ko. Disgust was painted all over his face as he looked at me.

Ganoon ba iyon? I can't touch him but he can, whenever he wants?

I furiously I adjusted my bra and arranged my shirt. "Don't be ridiculous, Zach. This means nothing," maanghang kong sabi. At least, to him it's meaningless.

Then why remind you of it?

"You're right," he spat. "Wala ng kuwenta iyan para sa'kin. Pero ito'ng tandaan mo. Kapag nakita ko pang hinayaan mo siyang hawakan ka niya o kahit na kung sino habang nandiyan ang pangalan ko... hindi mo magugustuhan ang gagawin ko."

"You're being unreasonable, Zach."

"Unreasonable?" he scoffed, his voice growing low and dangerous. "You want reason? Well, how about this... you tell me why you came back? Or why the fvck you left?"

I touched my chest when it squeezed so hard it made it hurt to breathe.

"I guess no," he said with an indifferent lift of his shrug, not bothering to wait for my reply. "But it's fine. I still don't give a damn about your excuse and I don't need your fvcking reasons." He stepped back, and another, and turned.

I heard multiple gasps of girls who must be eavesdropping outside the room as soon as he wrenched the door open. Ngunit parang walang nakita si Rozach at tuloy-tuloy na lumabas ng CR.

My breath came back but it was painful. Hindi agad ako sumunod sa kanya. In fact, I didn't dare move from where he left me. I stared at my pale face in the mirror and tried to clear my head from the shock.

Hindi ko naintindihan ang sinabi ni Erika nang sabihin niyang iba na si Rozach. But now I do. I understand what she meant when she said he's worse than I could imagine.

Lumabas lang ako nang masiguro kong wala ng luha ang gustong kumawala.

"BOTTOMS UP!" sabay-sabay nilang hiyawan habang iniinom ni Bianca ang isang tall mug ng beer. They're doing a contest, a silly thing if you ask me. Silly, but fun at least.

Mabuti na lang at dumating din kaagad si Erika paglabas ko kanina sa CR, because if she hadn't... I don't know what I'd done. But I'm certain that would not include running away. Simula rin nang dumating siya, I noticed Kid hasn't much looked on his phone.

Nakilala ko na rin ang tour team kanina. I tried to remember all of their name but it was futile. I'm still terrible at names. And they've been trying to make me drink ever since Erika introduced me. Buti na lang talaga at nandito siya para sawayin sila.

Kian was gone by the time I returned from the girl's room half an hour ago. Maybe he was pissed off with Rozach's rudeness so he decided to go. Maybe I'll call him later to say sorry, because I'm damn sure Rozach won't apologize for his actions. Nakakahiya naman sa tao. He didn't even do anything wrong. 

I glanced at the VIP booth and Rozach was flirting with his bimbos as if nothing happened back there. Napatingin ako sa mga kamay niyang nasa balikat ng babaeng katabi niya habang ang isa'y nakahawak ng sigarilyo.

He's touching someone so freely as though those hands were not on me seconds ago, pero hindi ko man lang magawang puntahan siya at tanggalin ang kamay na iyon sa babaeng iyon katulad ng ginawa niya. He'd probably laugh so hard if I stake a claim on him.

He caught my stare as he brought his cigarette back to his lips, inhaled and puffed out, mocking me with its thick smoke. Iniwas ko ang tingin ko at mas piniling pagkaabalahan ang straw ng juice ko.

After a few more shots, all the women were soon crazily dancing. "Let's get this party started!" hiyaw bigla ni Cole at sumunod sa kanila sa dancefloor. Napagod na siguro siya sa kakapilit sa aking tumayo at sumayaw din.

"You don't dance anymore?" an amused voice suddenly intruded beside me.

I looked up and saw Theo standing on my left with a bottle of beer on his hand. His back and shoulders rested against the wall as he stood with one knee bent, watching the people dancing on the dance floor

Naalala ko bigla ang mga kabaliwan namin noong senior prom. I didn't know the drink had a mix of alcohol and I drank two glasses of it. After that, I couldn't remember the rest of what happened that night. Ipinakita lang sa akin ni Theo ang video ko habang sumasayaw ng chicken dance.

That stupid memory made me smile, and Theo too.

"Mind if I sit?" he asked. He didn't wait for a reply and sat down beside me anyway.

Kinunutan ko siya ng noo. Bakit pa siya nagtanong?

"Ikaw, bakit ayaw mong sumali?"

Umiling siya pagkatapos uminom. "It'll be messy," he said with a smug smirk.

Ako naman ang napailing sa kayabangan niya. But to his credit, he's not so bad. Bata pa lang kami, sinasabihan na siya ng mga kapitbahay naming 'mini-Aga Muhlach' dahil sa dimples niya sa pisngi. He's cute, at least for other girls.

I stared at his side profile and I noticed two tiny dot silver earrings pierced on his left ear. And there's his long and spiky lashes that I've always been fascinated of. I also noticed the absence of baby fats that used to fill his cheeks and jaw and now, he looked all stark angle. I didn't know he had that sharp jaw and nose. He's a big boy now.

"Where were you yesterday?" he asked, taking a side glance at me. My heart warmed at his soft gaze.

I know he's still bothered with what happened, lalo na at hindi ko siya nireply-an at hindi ko sinagot ang mga tawag niya.

"Sa dati kong apartment. Ibinalik ko lang ang susi kay Gemma."

He lowered down his bottle and faced me, staring at me with those penetrating sharp eyes of his. "You don't have to put up with him, you know. Walang pumipigil sayong umalis ngayon."

"Theo..."

"I can't just stand by and watch him hurt you."

"You can't really blame him, Theo. You know what I did to him."

Nagtiim siya ng bagang. "That doesn't make me forget what he did to you, too."

I shook my head softly. "That doesn't even matter now..."

"He's my friend, but you're my best friend, Ali. Nagalit ako sa ginawa mo pero mas nagalit ako sa ginawa niya sayo."

"He didn't do anything, Theo."

"That's the point. He didn't do anything. Hinayaan ka lang niyang masaktan nang mag-isa."

I sighed. Akala ko ay nakalimutan na niya ang nangyari noon. "Kailan pa siya nagsimulang manigarilyo?" pag-iiba ko na lang ng usapan.

He frowned. Alam kong hindi niya nagustuhan ang pag-iwas ko ng usapan, but I'd rather not talk about what happened. It just opens up old scars and I don't want to deal with it right now.

"Three years ago... a month after you left." Uminom ulit siya sa bote niya.

I nodded my head, as if I'm understanding things clearly now. But I don't. Nothing ever makes sense to me. Kung bakit ako ang nagkaroon ng ganitong pagsubok. Kung bakit ako ang kailangang dumanas nito. At kung bakit kailangan kong saktan ang mga taong mahal ko.

Rozach quit smoking the moment his mother was diagnosed with Lung Cancer. And now, he's telling me he doesn't give a shit anymore. He doesn't give a damn about life. He doesn't give a fvck.

Hindi niya ba alam na isa iyong sampal sa akin?

Maybe not. He wouldn't know unless you tell him.

"Ugh, what the fvck..." Narinig kong bulong ni Kip na ngayon ay nakatayo sa stage. The DJ lowered the volume to give way to him while he tested the mic.

"Hello, pretty ladies and gentlemen! How's your night?!"

Nagsihiyawan naman lahat ng tao doon habang nakatunghay sa kanya. Binalingan ko ang VIP booth at nakita ko si Rozach na mag-isa na lang doon kasama ang isang babaeng hindi na yata umalis sa tabi niya. She was raining kisses all over his neck through his open neck grey shirt. He's still smoking. Pang-ilan na ba niya iyon?

"Don't mind them. That will go down pretty fast soon," ani Theo nang mapansin niya kung saan ako nakatingin.

I looked away and stopped torturing myself from thinking what he meant by that. But torture was my long friend. Sa huli ay hindi ko pa rin napigilan ang sarili ko. Aalis ba ng bar na 'to si Rozach kasama ang babaeng iyon mamaya? Where will they go?

I remember my first night in the hotel, noong pumasok ako sa RV nila at ang mga sumunod na kaganapan. Is that what's going to happen?

"I'm inviting Ali to please come on stage," Kip's voice resounded on my ear. Nanlalaki ang mga mata kong napabaling kay Theo, appealing for help and the asshole just smiled at me. "Everyone, please give it up to the fifth member of Radical, Alysson!"

Hinila ako ni Theo patayo at halos itulak paakyat ng stage. "At least you can sing. You still sing though, right?"

Napamaang ako sa kanya habang nalulunod ang pandinig ko sa sigawan at hiyawan ng mga tao. My heartbeat was speeding up.

Inabot ni Kip ang kamay ko at wala na akong nagawa kundi ang umakyat at tumayo sa center stage. Pinandilatan ko siya pero natawa lang siya, as if he didn't care about what situation he put me into. He took the acoustic guitar standing on the side and did the honor to slip the strap around me. Kumindat pa ang gago sa akin bago ako iniwan at bumaba ng stage.

The spotlight beamed down on me and I held the mic between my hands, dragging in a trembling breath. I'm not really sure about this. It's been so long since I've held a mic and sang, at hindi ko alam kung nasa kondisyon pa ang boses ko. But I can't really back out now. Ayaw ko rin namang ipahiya si Kip.

Tiningnan ko ang buong bar, but all I see was the white light. Mabuti na rin ito. This way, I wouldn't be able to see Rozach and the force of the hatred in his eyes.

"Uhm... hello."

There was only my voice echoing around the room and the silence. Nice.

I cleared my throat. "So this song is called Happier by Bastille." And then I brought my lips to the mic and closed my eyes.

"Lately, I've been, I've been thinking
I want you to be happier, I want you to be happier..."

I began strumming the strands, letting the music flow through my fingertips. I haven't played for so long kaya medyo nasasaktan ako sa bawat diin ng mga daliri ko. But I didn't stop. I did my best, hoping that the message of this song will reach him...

When the evening falls
And I'm left there with my thoughts
And the image of you being with someone else
Well, that's eating me up inside
But we run our course, we pretend that we're okay
Now if we jump together at least we can swim
Far away from the wreck we made

Then only for a minute
I want to change my mind
'Cause this just don't feel right to me
I want to raise your spirits
I want to see you smile but
Know that means I'll have to leave

Somewhere at the back, I can see a movement. It was just a fraction of movement, but in a crowd that was so still and riveted, it was big. Almost colossal.

I was starting to believe it wasn't real, but then I saw it. Someone was walking to the stage and I looked up... and up... and I saw him. Rozach. He's coming to me.

My notes faltered, but I quickly recovered. I strummed again, keeping my fingers steady, trying not to get out of focus.

Know that means I'll have to leave

Lately, I've been, I've been thinking
I want you to be happier, I want you to be happier

So I'll go, I'll go
I will go, go, go

The music died and everyone started clapping and whistling. But all I see was him, climbing the stairs of the stage, marching to the slow beating of my heart. I couldn't look away from him because he's holding my eyes with his piercing gaze until he stood inches away from me. Nobody seemed to be moving. Nobody seemed to be breathing anymore. I couldn't hear the applause and neither the pulse of my own heartbeat.

He continued to walk, closing that small distance and stopped when he had me on his reach and cupped my face. I could see something flaring in the depths of his dark eyes despite his unreadable face. It wasn't anger. But it was intense.

He moved his gaze, raking me from up and down, slowly and thoroughly. And I felt it through my body. His name on my skin even tingled from it.

"Was that for me?" he asked. Umangat ang sulok ng bibig niya nang makita niya ang pamumula ng pisngi ko. He looked please.

Slowly, his fingers reached for the strands of my hair and tucked them behind my ear so gently that it felt almost like a whisper on my skin. His fingertips lingered on my cheek and that touch was enough to pull me back to reality.

I took a cautious step away from him, but he quickly closed the gap between us even tighter, bringing his chest against mine. He cradled my face on his palms while his thumb caressed my jaw. "You're still the most beautiful girl I've ever seen," he rasped.

Halos malunod ako sa titig niya na tila hindi ko siya nakitang nagalit ng ilang beses ngayong gabi. This is the Rozach I know. This is how he used to look at me before. At lalong namilipit ang dibdib ko dahil miss na miss ko na ang Rozach na minahal ko.

Lalong nagwala ang pintig ng puso ko nang bumaba ang ulo niya. His lips were inches away from mine, the warmth of his breath was touching my face and all I could think about was his kisses. Sweet. Passionate. All-consuming.

My eyes traced the contours of his beautiful lips and I wondered what would it feel like to kiss him again. Would it feel the same? Would it still taste the same?

I bit my lip and his eyes searched my face. He's so close I could almost inhale his sent and I didn't care if he smelled mints and cigarette.

His lips hovered over mine and leaned in closer but stopped to ran his nose along my jaw line and my heart thundered with anticipation.

"Tell me..." he suddenly whispered on my ear. "How does it feel like to want something you can never have?"

Para akong binuhusan ng napakalamig na tubig.

He moved away from my face and slowly stepped back, effectively putting back the distance between us. Ice cold hands gripped my heart while he looked at me with a predatory gleam in his eyes that shone when he saw the pain on my face and smiled in satisfaction.

I couldn't speak, couldn't think. I could only stare at his cruelty even as he turned away. I watched as the distance grow bigger between us as he walked further away from me.

Bumaba siya ng stage nang may ngiti at iniwan akong tulala. I was still in a cold stupor when a girl approached him and Rozach immediately wrapped his arm around her. She was the girl who was kissing him, I recognized.

I watched them, like a fool. It didn't matter that I look stupid for standing there alone, jilted. Never mind that I was in pain. I just stood there 'til they both left the bar and the last of his shadow was gone. I wasn't even sure if my heart was still beating rhythmically, but I didn't care. I felt like I should run after him and say something, but I couldn't. The floor was clinging to my feet while my heart falls to the ground.

The breath I didn't even realize I was holding expelled from my chest and I looked down on my feet, as if I could see my heart visibly with my eyes and I thought, how easy for him to step and stomp all over it while it's down.

This is my payback from him. To hurt.

And this was only the beginning.