F A M I L I A R

MY EYES swam with tears and I barely notice where I walked. Narinig ko pa ang pangalan kong tinatawag ni Erika, but I didn't stop. Not once. Mula sa malayo ay natanaw ko ang paparating na taxi. My quick steps accelerated into a run as I chased away the tears blinding my eyes with the back of my hand.

"Ali, sandali!" Naramdaman ko pa ang paghawak ni Erika sa braso ko nang makalapit na ako sa gilid ng kalsada, pero kumawala ako sa kamay niya at iniwas ko ang mukha ko sa kanya.

"I'm sorry. I need to go," I whispered. Ni hindi ko sigurado kung narinig niya ang sinabi ko. But I cared less that time. I just wanted to be far away from there. Away from Rozach and his wrath.

Pinara ko agad ang parating na taxi habang tumatawid sa daan. It was an isolated area of town at kaunti lang ang sasakyang dumadaan, kaya gusto kong magpasalamat na may dumaang taxi sa oras na kailangan ko. But still, I silently prayed it was vacant and it would stop, dahil mapipilitan akong maglakad palayo sa lugar na ito. I felt like staying another minute here would kill me.

The taxi slowed down, at tumigil iyon sa gilid ng daan. I was so grateful I could almost close my eyes in relief. Halos takbuhin ko na ang pinto. Erika kept on calling my name, telling me not to leave. Pero hindi ko siya pinakinggan at isinara ang pintuan, hanggang sa hindi ko na marinig ang boses niya.

I sagged against the cushion and closed my eyes. But I still met Rozach's fury filled eyes. Eyes that used to be desolation's home...

It was seven years ago when I first met him. Summer break. On the stage. Hindi pa siya vocalist ng Radical noon, that's why I already knew him even before Theo brought him in. But only for a fraction.

Nagbabakasyon ako noon sa pinsan ko. One night, we went to a band concert. Me, my cousin, Mia, and my girl best friend, Chippy. And he was there, strumming his guitar with the white light shining on him.

One more kiss could be the best thing
But one more lie could be the worst
And all these thoughts are never resting
And you're not something I deserve

I could still clearly remember the first word he sang. His voice. Soothing. Mending. Magic. And I stood there under the dark veil of the loud and noisy room with only the neon lights igniting around us, mesmerized. As if he felt my intense stare, he lifted his eyes from his old, worn out guitar and time seemed to freeze. In the midst of the crowd of sweating and crazed people, everything around me stops and all I could see was him with his eyes on me.

In my head there's only you now
This world falls on me
In this world there's real and make believe
And this seems real to me

You love me but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
And you love me but you don't know who I am
So let me go
Let me go

It took that one infinitesimal moment that I knew I already met the one for me. The one I'm going to love for the rest of my life. It was the first time I actually believed that there is such a thing as love at first sight.

Ilang sandali lang iyon, but I felt it deep in my bones. Ilang sandali dahil napakabalis ng nangyari. He was singing there so good and the next thing I knew—everybody knew—someone had punched him in the jaw. A fight broke and everyone was running for their lives.

That was the last week of my high school.

I thought I couldn't see him ever again after that night. Pero nagkamali ako. First day of school the next year, he's walking on the university ground with a vandalized cast on his left arm.  

But I guess, that night was just an illusion.

Forever does not exist and fate broke my heart just to prove it. And I had to break his too. I broke the man who loved me more than his life and I'm scourged because of it.

Naramdaman kong huminto ang taxi kaya nagmulat ako ng mata. I still feel the wet spikes of my lashes even though my eyes have been dried now. Pinunasan ko iyon bago nagbayad at bumaba.

I don't really know where else to go, kaya bumalik muna ako sa dati kong apartment. I don't want to be confined in the hotel again, because I'd feel much worse if I'm surrounded by a foreign place with nothing familiar on sight. Even though my old apartment was small and practical, at least it had been a home for me for three years.

But it had been unfamiliar to you once.

Napailing na lang ako at nagmartsa patungo sa hagdan paakyat. Nakalimutan ko na ang basa kong pantalon. And now, the thick fabric of my jeans felt so damn sticky on my skin. Pati ang medyas ko ay napakalagkit na sa pakiramdam. 

I fished for my keys on my pocket when I was in front of the door but then I stopped and remembered I didn't have them anymore, dahil iniwan ko na iyon kay Gemma bago ako umalis, in case she needs a roommate.

Nandito pa kaya siya? Ang alam ko ay malapit na ang simula ng shift niya.

Kumatok na lang ako at bumukas iyon sa pangalawang katok. "Ali!" gulat na bungad sa akin ni Gemma. Suot niya ang Red t-shirt uniform niya.

"Papasok ka na?"

"Mhmm..." she hummed as she regarded me with a pout—her infamous suspicious look. 

"Pwede bang dumito muna ako?" I was already stepping inside as I asked.

She side-stepped to let me in and closed the door. Hinubad ko kaagad ang sapatos ko at ang medyas ko. Oh, that feels good! Sunod kong tinanggal ang bag ko at inilapag iyon sa sofa katulad ng madalas kong ginagawa.

"Hindi ka ba hahanapin ng boss mo?"

Nilingon ko siya. Tama. Hindi ko pa nga pala nasasabi sa kanyang nagtatrabaho ako para sa paborito niyang banda. "Ayos lang. Tapos na ang trabaho ko ngayong araw."

"Ano'ng nangyari sayo?" aniya sabay turo sa ilalim ng mata niya. "Para kang hindi nakatulog ng tatlong araw. Umiinom ka ba sa tamang oras? Inaalagaan ka ba ng kaibigan mo? Akala ko ba alam niyang—"

"Ayos lang ako, Gem, 'wag kang mag-alala." I am such a liar.

Binuksan ko ang cabinet at naghalungkat ng t-shirt niya. I settled to one of her black shirts that she protected like a child.

"'Wag iyan, 'wag iyan."

Naiiling na ibinalik ko iyon at pinili na lang ang yellow sleeveless na pinakaayaw niya. At least she won't be crying if I take it from her. 

"At bakit basang-basa iyang pantalon mo?" puna niya.

"Natapunan ng wine. Maghihiram din ako ng pantalon mo ha."

"Pwede ka namang bumalik sa hotel niyo at doon magpalit..."

Pumasok ako sa banyo nang hindi siya sinasagot at doon nagbihis. I wish she wouldn't ask too much about today. But Gemma is Gemma. Lagi iyang may tanong pagdating sa akin, ever since she witnessed one of my most fragile moments. And to be away from her for a month is troubling. Masyado akong nasanay na nasa tabi lang siya. I've never been good at following orders, but her presence was reassuring. She's been there to remind me every time I missed a pill or a schedule, lalo na kapag nalilipasan kong mag-agahan.

But I can't keep on relying on her. I don't want to be attached to anyone... for fear that if I do, I might not be able to leave.

Wasn't that why I left in the first place?  

Nang masiguro kong maayos na ang damit ko ay lumabas na ako ng banyo at nakita kong naroon pa rin si Gemma. She's waiting for me, I know. I walked straight to the fridge that looked as old and rusty as the rest of the apartment, but still works.

It's still the same since I left. Maraming bottled water, gulay na ilang araw na lang ay mababahaw na, at ilang itlog. I spotted a regular sized box of pizza at iyon na lang ang inilabas ko.

"Ali, bawal iyan sayo," agad na bilin ni Gemma. But I ignored her. Kakaunti lang ang nakain ko kaninang umaga. I couldn't eat because of what happened. Food just won't go down no matter how much water I drink. My heartbeat was still unstable after seeing Rozach for the first time in three years.

"Ali!"

"Konti lang naman ang kakainin ko." Besides, I don't mind a few bites. Itatakbo ko na lang ito bukas. I heard may gym ang hotel. Maybe I'll visit it tomorrow.

Lumapit si Gemma at hinila ang upuan sa harap ko. She sat there and dropped her chin on her palm while eyeing me. "Kumusta? Pinapahirapan ka ba nila sa trabaho?"

"They're alright. Hindi naman nakakapagod ang trabaho kaya ayos lang. Kailangan ko lang maghanap ng damit, mag-shopping..." I sighed and Gemma scrunched her nose. She knows how much I hate shopping.

"Bakit ba kasi kailangan ka nilang kunin? Maganda naman ang routine mo at ang shift mo dito. Mabait din si Mrs. Go. Alam niya ang kalagayan mo and she understood."

I shrugged while I munch on my cold pizza. "She's no choice. Kailangan niya ng tulong ko..." and I need the money. Maybe that's no enough reason to go back and endure Rozach's anger, but it is for me. It's enough for me to return.

Pero ang tanong... hanggang kalian ko kakayin?

"Tatlong araw ka pa lang sa trabaho mo pero mukha ka ng pagod. Sigurado kang ayos ka lang? You're not supposed to be that tired."

Napakunot ako ng noo. Heaviness settled at the pit of my stomach. I've been growing tired lately, at hindi iyon maganda. Do I need to adjust my dosage?

"... mabait naman si Mrs. Go. Pwede ka pa namang bumalik kung gusto mo," patuloy ni Gemma.

Out of nowhere, I heard Rozach's voice in my head. "If you wanted to disappear, you should do it properly. Hindi ka na dapat bumalik pa."

I dropped my pizza crust, suddenly losing my appetite and pondered on that thought. "Tatanggapin kaya niya ako?"

"Siyempre, makakatanggap ka muna ng sermon. Alam mo naman kung paano magbunganga iyon. Pero mahal ka no'n. Malungkot nag siya noong unang araw na wala ka e. Ikaw lagi ang bukambibig niya."

Withdrawal syndrome...

Naalala ko ang unang araw ko rito ang kung paano ako kinupkop ni Mrs. Go. Binabaunan niya ako kapag alam niyang wala kaming pagkain. Hindi siya ang pinakamaalagang kilala ko, but she takes care of me in her own distant self. 

So, why didn't I notice that?

You should've known better, Ali.

Now, I'm afraid I might break her heart if I linger long. I don't want it. I don't fvcking want this...

"Bakit? Hindi ba mabait iyong boss mo?"

"Huh?" I blinked at her. "Uh... mabait naman. She's considerate, too..."

Well... I can't really bad mouth Rozach to his number one fan. Tumayo ako at niligpit ko ang pagkain.

"Busog ka na?"

"Ikaw? Hindi ka pa ba late?"

Agad na nanlaki ang mga mata niya sabay singhap. "Shit!" Mabilis siyang tumayo at hinanap ang bag niya.  "Wag mo kalimutang i-lock ang pinto pag-alis mo ha!" And she was bolting out the door.

"Ingat!"

NAKATULOG agad ako nang makaalis si Gemma. I was just planning to take a nap for an hour or less before I leave, pero hindi ko inasahang mapapalalim ang tulog ko nang ganoon. It was the first proper sleep I've ever had for these past days. Luxury hotel nga ang tinutulyan ko pero hindi ako makatulog nang maayos. Not when I had all my concerns running around in my head like rats wreaking havoc.

Madilim na nang magising ako. I looked at the wall clock and it's set 7:16 PM. Bumangon ako at mabilis kong hinanap ang phone ko. Nagulat ako nang makita ang dami ng missed calls at text messages ko. Shit!

Half of them are from Erika. Ang iba naman ay galing sa dalawang unknown phone numbers. It must be from Theo and Kip dahil panay din ang tanong nila kung ano ang ginawa ni 'Zach'. They don't really call him Rozach ever since. Isa pa, hindi rin ako tatatawagan at ite-text ni Kid. He's still doesn't like me enough to care.

Binasa ko ang mga texts nila at nag-aalala sila dahil wala ako sa hotel, lalo na si Erika. I could almost imagine her freaking out. Iniisip niya sigurong umalis na ako at hindi na babalik pa. Maybe if I had money, I would do that. Pero para saan pa kung babalik ako? They already don't need me and Rozach loathes me.

It's useless to stay. It's useless to even try.

Tumayo ako at mabilis na naghilamos. I left a note for Gemma, telling her I'd call her soon, at ikumusta na lang niya ako kay Mrs. Go bago ako umalis ng apartment. Her shift will end later at 10 PM, kaya hindi ko na siya mahihintay pa.

Paglabas ko ay tinext ko agad si Erika na pabalik na ako ng hotel bago ulit iyon pinatay. I don't want to talk to anyone right now. But apparently, that's not something that could happen.

Sa labas pa lang ng hotel ay nakita ko na si Erika sa entrance. She's walking back and forth with a phone on her hand. Puno ng pag-aalala ang mukha niya. I suddenly felt bad.

"Ali!" tawag niya nang makita akong bumababa sa taxi. She didn't even wait for me to walk to her. Siya na ang tumakbo palapit sa akin at agad akong niyakap. "Where have you been? Sobra kaming nag-alala sayo!"

"Pasensya na kung pinag-alala ko kayo," sabi ko nang pakawalan niya ako. "Nagpunta lang ako sa kaibigan ko... para ibalik ang susi ng apartment." Ilang beses na ba akong nagsinungaling sa araw na 'to?

But I just couldn't tell her that staying in this hotel would help make me feel okay after what happened in the photo shoot. That I needed something comforting. Familiar. And they don't really feel familiar at the moment.

"Kumain ka na ba?" Umiling agad siya. "Doesn't matter. Papatawag na lang ako ng room service. Let's go inside."

Walang salitang pumasok kami at sumakay ng elevator paakyat. I wanted to tell her I wanted to go straight to my room, but she was already pushing my floor. Mabilis na bumukas ang elevator at nakarating sa kuwarto ko. Sinamahan niya ako sa loob at siya na rin ang tumawag ng room service.

Nang matapos siya ay agad na hinanap ng mga mata niya kung nasaan ako. "I'm sorry... for what happened," she said when she saw me and the sympathy in her voice nearly undid me.

Sympathy of any kind frightens me. It makes me want to hold onto it and cling to it. But it's not the right way to be strong.

Right now, her sympathy was wrong. It's wrong for feeling sorry for something that I deserve. It's wrong to want and grab that sympathy when I know I don't have the right to.

Umiling ako. "Stop apologizing. Hindi mo naman kasalanan ang nangyari. Galit si Rozach at naiintindihan ko siya." Galit siya dahil sinaktan ko siya.

Mali. Mas malalim pa sa sinaktan.

Tumabi siya sa akin sa sofa ng kuwarto ko. My room was not nearly as big as her room, but it was spacious enough. May maliit na living area, banyo, king-sized bed, cabinet, at vanity mirror. It was cozy and I like it. But still feels foreign.

"But I'm the one who brought you here," aniya. "You're my responsibility. More than that, you're my friend."

"Kaibigan o hindi, hindi mo pa rin kasalanan ang nangyari. I'm here because you needed someone right away. You didn't have a choice. You didn't have time."

Nagsimula na siyang umiling. "I did have a choice, Ali. Alam mo iyan.  I can just hire someone—"

"But you needed someone you can trust."

She sighed.

"Listen. You don't have to feel guilty about what happened, Erika. And believe me, it was okay. I knew it will happen. Hindi lang talaga mapigilan ni Rozach na saktan ako. Pagkatapos ng ginawa ko... You were right. He's changed." I shook my head and smiled, bitterness filling me up inside. "He couldn't even hurt me back then. Ni hindi niya kayang tiising hindi ako kausapin ng isang araw. Ayaw niyang nagtatampo ako sa kanya kaya ginagawa niya lahat maging masaya lang ako. He's silly like that. Pero ni minsan, hindi niya ako sinigawan o pinagalitan kahit pa alam kong sagad na siya." But today, he did more than hurt me.

"Pain changes people."

"I just don't want to regret what I did." Pero pagkatapos ng mga nakita ko... I'm beginning to thing everything I did was useless. All of it.

"Ali..." she sighed when words failed her. "You know how against I was when you decided to leave. Pero naintindihan kita kung bakit kinailangan mong lumayo. I know it's hard... it was hard for me, too. No one had it easy. Nasaktan si Rozach, pero higit naman na masakit sayo ang nangyari. From the day you knew until the day you left. You were forced to leave, kahit labag sa loob mo. Even if I still think it's better if you stayed, and I still do, as your friend. Pero naiintindihan kita, bilang ikaw. At balang araw, maiintindihan ka din nila."

I smiled and reached for her hand, giving it a squeeze. "Salamat, Erika. Pero siguro tama si Rozach." I took a deep breath to ease the tightness in my chest. "I shouldn't have come back. Hindi ko na dapat tinanggap ang trabaho."

"Ali..."

"I know you meant well, Erika. Pero ayoko nang guluhin kayo... lalo na si Rozach. He wants me gone. Siguro nga hayaan ko na siya. Mukha namang nakalimutan na niya ako." Nagsimula siyang umiling. "No, Erika. He deserves better. You know that. Ang gusto ko lang maging masaya siya. Ayaw ko nang ipagsiksikan ang sarili ko sa buhay niya. He's already troubles as it is. Besides, I might ruin his mood at maapektuhan ang album nila. I don't want to be the one who ruin their career. It's the least thing I wanted to do."

"Hindi ko na ba mababago ang isip mo?"

I smiled but sadness clouded her eyes. She realized I already made up my mind. This time, I'll be leaving to give Rozach what he wanted.

MAAGA akong pumunta sa gym kinabukasan. I only did a mild walk on the treadmill and a bit of yoga. It's part of my therapy... so I can have a better endurance, according to my specialist. Para daw hindi ako madaling mapagod ay kailangan ko ng exercise araw-araw, pero iyong kaya lang ng katawan ko. So spending an hour in gym was enough.

After eating breakfast, taking my meds, and a shower, I was all prepared to go to Erika's room to have that final farewell. Bukas na ang alis nila para sa sunod nilang concert. Dalangin ko lang na sana ay pabalikin pa ako ni Mrs. Go sa restaurant niya. Or maybe it's time to move on from them, too?

I guess leaving is my addiction.

"I really can't handle more work if I let her go."

Natigil ako sa akma kong pagpasok sa kuwarto ni Erika. Nakaawang ng bahagya ang pintuan niya kaya rinig ko ang boses niya mula sa loob. Lumapit pa ako nang marinig ko ang pangalan ko. But who's with her?

"Can't you be a little nice to Ali?"

"I can do a lot of better things than pretend nice, Rika. That's not how I want to waste my time."

"Rozach!"

Napaatras ako nang bahagya sa narinig kong pangalan.

"Kinausap mo man lang sana ako bago mo siya inalok ng trabaho," nasa boses ni Rozach ang galit. 

"Because I really need her, Zach. I know she hurt you—"

"That was a long time ago," he interrupted harshly.

"Exactly. It was a long time ago, Zach. If you really forgot about it, then you can at least work with her and be civil. Okay, maybe you don't need to talk to her at all. But please, don't be too harsh on her. Kahit man lang para sa akin at sa banda."

"Why?" Napahilig ako sa dingding sa narinig kong pait sa boses niya. "Why are you protecting her? She left you too and made you do all the work. Iniwan niya tayo sa ere, Erika! Hindi ka ba nagalit sa kanya? You think she will grow gratitude overnight? You think this will make her stay?"

"Hindi mo alam ang sinasabi mo, Rozach."

"Hindi mo alam ang ginagawa mo, Erika. You know better than trust that woman again!"

"I am still your manager and I decide what's best for the band!"

"We can quit. Anytime. And you know that."

My heart pounded. Ano'ng ibig sabihin ni Rozach?

I didn't even realize that their heated conversation was over. Hanggang sa makita ko na lang na bumukas ang pintuan at lumabas mula doon si Rozach. His wild and angry eyes settled on me and it darkened with something more violent. Hateful.

What more do I need to see to believe that I am the most unloved person in his eyes now?