H U R T

"TITA, 'wag na po kayong mag-alala. Okay lang po ako."

Narinig ko siyang bumuntong hininga. Pang-ilang beses na iyon sa pag-uusap namin, at alam kong nagiging frustrated na siya sa paulit-ulit na sinasabi ko nitong mga nakaraang minuto. But it's all I had to say to quiet their concern.

"Sigurado ka bang ayaw mong kausapin at sabihin sa nanay mo? Nag-aalala na sa'yo si ate, Alysson. Ilang buwan na noong huli kang bumisita. Kahit graduation ni bunso, hindi ka dumating."

I remembered that day—or more specifically, I remembered why I wasn't able to come.

I shook my head as if to dispel that awful memory out of my head, thinking about my mother instead, and sighed. I know she's worrying about me, they always did ever since I was a kid. And that's more reason not to tell her where I am and what I'm doing, because they will try to find me—no doubt—and do things that I refuse to accept from them. Dadagdag lang ako sa stress nila ni tatay, at hindi na sila bumabata para mag-alala pa.

"Ano'ng sasabihin ko sa kanya kapag nagtanong siya?" tanong niya nang hindi ako nagsalita.

"Sabihin mong busy ako sa pag-aaral ko at maayos na maayos ang lagay ko. Pangako, tatawag din ako."

"Na-mimiss ka na ng mga kapatid mo."

Pumikit ako dahil sa pag-init ng sulok ng mga mata ko. I also miss them a lot, all of them. Kung alam lang nila...

"Uuwi agad ako pagkatapos na pagkatapos ng trabaho ko," I promised instead, hating the turbulence in my voice. I can't deal with tears right now. Hindi niyon mapapanatag ang kalooban ni tita. AT katulad ng sinabi ko, oras na matapos ang isang buwang pinangako ni Erika ay uuwi agad ako.

Pagkatapos ng ilan pang minutong pag-uusap ay nagpaalam na ako at ibinaba ang telepono. I wish I could come home soon. I wish I was home and that I never left. I miss my sisters, lalo na ang bunso namin. Kung hindi ako nagkakamali ay magli-limang taon na siya. She was just so little when I moved out. Miss na miss ko na rin pati na si nanay at tatay. But I don't want to be a burden anymore. I'm a grown up now. Mas kailangan ng mga kapatid ko ang suporta nina tatay at nanay nang higit sa akin. I can provide for myself and I want to help them, financially. Kahit pakonti-konti.

I know they were very upset when I told them I'm moving out, especially my father. I know I really hurt his feelings because he did not talk to me for three days when he usually can't last a day. At alam kong hanggang ngayon ay masama ang loob niya sa naging desisyon ko. Kahit sinong magulang siguro ay hindi papayag.

But I tried to talk to him and made him understand... at kahit papaano'y hindi na niya ako pinigilan kahit labag sa loob niya.

Napabuntong hininga ako at inayos ang tupi sa kumot ng kama. I've been in this room for a whole day yesterday doing nothing. Ang sabi ni Erika ay may photoshoot schedule ang banda bukas. For being cooped up for 24 hours, I was actually looking forward to have something to do besides writhing in bed and staring blankly at the ceiling. 

Tiningnan ko ang mga damit na patong-patong sa single couch ng kuwarto ko. They were the dress that Erika told me to pick up the other night...

I quickly shut my eyes as the unwanted memories swam inside my head. Sleep had been non-existent for me that night. Sa tuwing ipipikit ko ang mga mata ko noong gabing iyon, bumabalik sa isip ko ang mga narinig ko. And I couldn't close my eyes without seeing them in my head. So I just curled up into a small ball and laid there in the center of that king-sized bed, leaving the lights off, feeling sorry for myself. Grieving for the things that had slipped from my fingertips. Needing the dark to lick my wounds. 

Why so full of drama, Ali...

I just shook my head and continued looking at the magazines that I asked for. If I'm going to be the band's stylist, I have to be at least updated about fashion trends and know what style would suit them and their album.

A sigh left my mouth again when I realized I still have no idea what concept or theme their upcoming album is about. So, I'm basically lost, so to speak.

Naalala ko bigla ang pinanood kong videos ng mga recent interviews nila sa youtube kahapon. I stopped watching their TV appearances since last year. Sa una, medyo kaya ko pang manood. I rarely miss a chance to see them sitting in one full show interview and watch them perform live or not. Pero habang tumatagal, nagiging mahirap na sa akin ang panoorin sila.

But yesterday, I broke that promise and watched again, attempting to have an idea about their next album. Erika mentioned they're already done with writing the lyrics and the song arrangements. Kulang na lang daw ay recording ng ibang kanta at ang paggawa ng music video para sa single ng album nila.  

"Your songs mostly talks about longing for a girl, relationships gone bad, long distance..." sabi ng babaeng host, si Isabelle. Isa siyang kilalang model turned host. She's known for her sexy body and stunning features, and even more with highlighted hair curled all over her bare flawless shoulder and her red lips that matched her red nails. Of course, pinaghandaan niya talaga ang exclusive interview niya sa vocalist ng banda. "Your fans want to know if there's an interesting story behind it." She smiled and Rozach returned it with his famous smirk.

"Nothing," he paused and had that look on his face when his head is off to somewhere. "No. There's no story," he said shaking his head in a lazy, nonsense air that almost convinced me if I was anybody else. But it's me. I know him better than anyone.

He has difficulty of expressing himself. Para sa kanya, it's either violence or silence. Pero nang maging vocalist siya ng banda, nakita ko ang pagbabago niya. He loves music because it's how he can communicate. He found a way to be understood and he speaks through his music.

"Well, if there's any girl behind those songs, she really did a number on you," Isabelle commented with a good-nature laugh that made Rozach's smile widen.

"Nah. I'm too generous to stay in one relationship."

"Really?" Isabelle crossed her legs that had her dress climbing up higher her thighs, showing those smooth skin. "Then are you open for any relationship right now?"

My stomach knotted. I'm not sure if it's because I'm embarrassed for watching it or if it's because of entirely something else.

Goodness! The woman's flirting with him on a national TV and she's not even aware of it! And Rozach was just... into it.

Ni hindi ko alam kung papano ko natapos panoorin ang interview na iyon. I guess I just gotten better in tolerating pain for over three years.

Sa huli, wala rin akong nakuhang anumang impormasyon tungkol sa album nila. People don't really care about his songs and his music. That's a fact. They don't care about his past life. It doesn't matter if he had lines of exes behind or if he had broken millions—if not thousands—of hearts out there. All they want is a piece of him and all that matter is he's single and available now.

I let out a ragged breath as I stared at the photo of the four of them on the middle spread of the magazine, wishing something that could soothe the pang inside my chest. They were performing live in that picture. Sweats beaded around their forehead while they give their all to the crowd. Theo with his bass, Kip and his keyboard, Kid sitting behind his drum set, and Rozach rocking his electric guitar. Sa kanya ako napatitig nang matagal. And the longer I stared, the clearer my head became.

He must've moved on. Lumapis na ang tatlong taon. I left him and I broke his heart. He could hate me for it. Despise me. But he could love someone else freely. In fact, he did. Eight months since I left, he dated Iris, ang anak ng nagmamay-ari ng label na nag-scout sa kanila. They were a hot item then, with their unending on & off relationship. Nagtagal pa sila ng isang taon bago sila tuluyang naghiwalay.

Rozach can be in a relationship with whoever he wants. I want him to be happier, kaya nga ako umalis, hindi ba? He won't be pining for someone who left him heartlessly. He shouldn't still be in love with a girl who selfishly abandoned him.

Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm the one who haven't moved on from the past. Pining for the love I left without so much as looking back. It's me who's wishing that everything was different. It's me who's hurting to see the man I love so desperately waste his life on blaming me and hating a worthless girl like me.

I should just let him go, right?

Maybe, I should.

ERIKA didn't call or text me that day. Nagkita lang kami noong dinner at sinabi niyang naging busy siya buong araw kaya ganoon. Hindi ko rin masyadong nakita ang banda sa nakaraang mga araw, which was good. I didn't want to bump into them after what happened. Hanggang hindi pa humihinahn si Kid, I think it's better too lay low. Sabi naman ni Erika, okay lang kay Theo at Kip na magiging katrabaho nila ako. I just don't know if she mentioned this was only temporary.

Hanggang ngayon ay hindi ko pa rin nakikita si Rozach, but Erika assured me she was going to talk to him first. Hindi pa raw niya ito nakikita't nakakausap dahil nagtatago ito sa kanya dahil sa nangyari kay Patricia. Rozach knew he messed up and Erika won't forgive him for it. Para na nilang pamilya si Pat at...

I smiled at the way I naturally left myself out. Parang sanay na akong hindi na parte ng banda.

Before we separated last night, Erika told me to come to her room at eight in the morning dahil mayroon daw siyang gustong i-discuss sa akin tungkol sa trabaho bago ang photo shoot ngayong araw.

That's why I'm inside the elevator going up to her suite, ditching my breakfast. Late na akong nagising ngayong araw at late na rin ang sa eight o'clock meeting ko sa kanya. She's a very busy person, at ayokong gawing excuse ang pagkakaibigan namin para lang magpa-late. This is about work kaya dapat ay maging professional ako. Besides, I can still grab a breakfast later.

Nang bumukas iyon ay nagulat akong makita si Theo na umambang papasok ngunit natigilan nang makita ako. He looked as shock as I was. Ngayon ko lang din ulit siya nakita pagkatapos niya akong tulungang tumakas noong gabing iyon.

I tentatively smiled at him. It felt weird, testing the water with him. Para siyang ibang tao na hindi ko nakasabay sa paglaki. I even saw him running under the rain, butt naked when we were six.

But I guess, some unforgiveable mistakes could tear up and do irreparable damage in relationships—even in families.

Nang hindi siya gumalaw ay lumabas ako ng elevator para makapasok siya. But he remained still until the elevator closed and stood there with panic in his eyes. Hindi ko iyon naintindihan.

"Nandiyan ba si Erika?" I asked to break the awkward silence. Pero tumango lang siya.

Okay. So much for trying...

"Galing ka sa kanya?" I tried again.

"Uhmm..." His eyes darted at the hallway and back at me and I noticed he was tapping his shoe. An unconscious habit he does when he's anxious. 

Anxious. Why would he be anxious?

"Theo. Ayos ka lang?" He seemed weird today.

"Ha? O-oo naman."

I repressed myself from rolling my eyes and just pointed at his anxious feet. He looked down at it and stopped it abruptly.

"Old habits die hard," sabi ko sa kanya bago ko siya iniwan at hinanap ang suite ni Erika. Nasa harap na ako ng pintuan ng kuwarto ni Erika at kakatukin ko na lang iyon nang marinig ko si Theo.

"Sandali—!"

The panic in his voice made me turn back to him and everything happened in seconds. Theo's eyes went into full panic while he looked at the door and just then, I felt it's wrenched open. I felt it rather than see it because of the air that burst from the inside. Halos nilipad na ng hangin ang ilang hibla ng buhok ko sa sobrang lakas ng pagkakabukas na tila galit ang nasa likod niyon.

And then, I was staring at his eyes.

Rozach. The man who'd been my love and my life, once upon a time.

He was standing there between me and the door, looking stunned, to say the least and the air just didn't seem to be there anymore for me to breathe in.

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang nakikita niya sa mga oras na iyon habang dumadaan ang mata niya sa akin mula ulo hanggang paa. But I know I'm not the same Alysson that he used to know. My black hair was longer now than the pixie hair cut he used to love. I don't have that same youthful glow that he could probably remember I had, and whilst the year had been generous for his muscles and all, it didn't for me. My bones were just so prominent on my face, around my wrists, my shoulders, and my clavicles. I know I don't resemble the same girl he used to know.

Pero hindi lang ako ang may maraming ipinagbago. Rozach too.

Fame hardened him. Or maybe something else. He looked meaner now than I remember. But of course, the last time I saw him was months and months ago, mostly on TV shows and promotional band posters.

I realized he's so big up front. I thought he only had that average muscle body type, but those videos lied. Broad shoulders, trim waist, slim hips and strong legs against that simple white shirt and faded jeans. He's all sheer bulk and he stood at least 6 feet over me. He's overwhelming. Brutally beautiful and intimidating.

Second was his hair. He liked his hair longer, but now it's rather short. Buzzed on the sides and at back while the top was longer it's flopping down across his forehead. He certainly didn't have that piercing all over his left ear. Or that tattoos that hugged his muscular arms. The last time he tried to get near a needle, he almost passed out. And then that face... that damn beautiful face and his beautifully shaped mouth. He had a short beard that covered his jaw and it made him look even more intensely masculine.

The only hint of softness left in that hard, beautiful face was his long, thick lashes and his eyes that I know would be full of hatred. He had been staring at me with gentleness that I don't deserve. Nor do I expect.

"Ali!" Someone gasped and just like that, we both shattered.

The spell was broken. 

His eyes turned murderous faster than a second as if that gentleness was never there seconds ago.

"Zach," I said looking at him even though it terrified me to meet his eyes as he hovered over me like an avenging angel.

With that lethal body, he could easily crush me. Right now, right this second. He had the power and all the reason to break me. To hurt me. And that evil, vindictive glint in his eyes says he'd like to try. Very much.

My heart pounded painfully in my ribs when I saw his lips moved to say something, but someone pulled my arm while someone was nudging my back, pushing me inside.

"Rika!" I heard Rozach's voice thundering in the hall. Nilingon ko ang pintuan at nakita ko si Theo doon na tila pinipigilan siyang pumasok. "Don't you fvcking stop me!" Rozach roared.

"Huminahon ka muna!"

Iyon ang huli kong narinig bago ako paupuin ni Erika sa sofa ng kuwarto niya. She cupped my face. Nakita kong lumalakbay ang bilog ng mga mata niya sa lahat ng bahagi ng mukha ko bago siya bumuga ng hininga.  "You're in shock."

Pagkatapos ay tumayo siya at bumalik labas. I could still hear the commotion outside when the door opened, at nawala agad ang ingay nang sumara iyon.

These hotel rooms are fvcking sound proof.

Sinuklay ko ang buhok ko nang mahulog ang ilang hibla sa mukha ko, at napagtanto kong nanginginig ang mga daliri ko. The shock that was shielding me was settling down and I could feel the rising panic from the pit of my stomach.

Shit!

Mabilis akong umuklo. I trapped my head in between my knees and tried to do steady deep breathes. I didn't realize seeing Rozach again would be this intense. Walang-wala ito sa nai-imagine kong pagkikita namin. I haven't seen him for three whole years and yet his impact seemed even more powerful and potent than it had been. I forgot how he could make any room seem to shrink whenever he walked in and how he could easily dominate everything else around him.

Maybe because you forced yourself to forget the man you loved so much.

Pumikit ako at itinaboy ang boses na iyon. I just focused on doing my deep breathing exercise. Ginawa ko iyon hanggang sa marinig kong bumalik si Erika.  "Ali! Oh my God! Ano'ng nangyayari?!" Mabilis niya akong dinaluhan.

I waved her off. "I'm okay. It's just... panic," I tried to say in between breathes.

"Are you sure? Do you need something? I think we should go to—"

"Erika, stop." Tiningnan ko siya. "I'll be fine." Huminga ulit ako nang malalim. "Si Rozach?"

Tumango siya kahit na mukhang hindi pa rin kombinsido na ayos lang ako. Seriously, I've had this from time to time and I know when it's serious and mild. "Pinapakalma na siya ni Theo. I think he needs some time."

"Bakit siya nandito? Did you tell him?"

"I planned to talk to him later. Pero bigla siyang dumating kanina. He was so pissed when he came. I think one of the twins spilled at gusto niyang kompirmahin ang totoo kaya niya ako pinuntahan."

Pinakiramdaman ko ang sarili ko sandal bago umupo nang maayos. "How are you feeling? Okay ka na?" nag-aalalang tanong niya. Mas lalong sumama ang templa ng mukha niya nang Makita ang buong mukha ko. I know I looked a sight. Sanay na ako, and I realized she's not.

For a moment, I saw something moved in her eyes.

"Don't you dare think I can't do this job," I warned her.

"Nag-aalala lang ako sayo."

"Ikaw ang nagdala sa akin dito kaya panindigan mo, Erika."

She smiled at that. "At least you haven't lost that. Mas bossy ka pa rin kesa sa akin."

Only when it comes to those men. 

"Okay. Hindi ko na babawiin usapan natin. I know I've made the offer and I don't want to look like a scam."

Ngumiti lang ako sa sinabi niya. I didn't dare tell her how scared I am right now. Pero kagaya ng sinabi ko, hindi habang buhay ay kaya kong takbuhan at iwasan ang nakaraan.

"But you have to tell me if Zach tried to do something, okay?"

"Erika, you know him. Kahit galit iyon, hindi siya gagawa ng masama."

Her face hardened, giving me a glimpse of her professional side that she had never let me see. "I told you. He's changed, Ali. He's worse than what you can imagine."

I DIDN'T understand what that means, and I was too exhausted to ask her about it. Pagkatapos ng ilang paalala mula kay Erika tungkol kay Rozach ay bumaba na kami para kumain. She wanted to call room service, but I insisted na bumaba na lang kami. I felt so stifled inside kahit na napakalaki ng presidential suite na iyon.

Over breakfast, she told me what I've had to do before the photo shoot. It's a good thing that she sent me to do some several errands because it helped to clear my head for a while. Saglit kong nakalimutan si Rozach, at ang pag-aalala sa muli naming pagkikita.

But the nagging feeling was still there.

I was a huffing mess when I got to the location later in the afternoon. Isa iyong bakanteng lote na puno ng taniman. Behind it was rows of mountains and the glow of the sun was giving a rustic vibe which was needed in the concept of this photo shoot. Ang alam ko ay isa itong sikat na international brand ng denim wear at ang banda ang napili nilang endorser dito sa Pilipinas.

I should slow down, pero gusto kong tapusin kaagad ang trabaho bago pa dumating sin Rozach sa shoot mamaya. I won't be needed in the photoshoot, sabi ni Erika. It's her another way of keeping me away from trouble. But I've learned and long accepted that trouble always finds me in my most vulnerable time.

The place was packed with busybodies moving around, setting up the tents, preparing the platform and all. Iniisip ko kung ganito ba palagi? I still can't help myself comparing it from before, kahit alam kong ang layo ng kaibahan ng noon at ngayon. 

"Oh, thank God, you're here!" Si Erika nang makita agad akong papasok sa loob ng studio sa kabila ng dami ng tao. Bahagya pa akong nagulat na makita siya rito. She told me she's coming later with the band.

"Late ba ako?" I asked her in alarm.

"No, no. You're just in time. Actually, marami pa tayong oras. I was just worried you're not coming..." Her pained eyes got through me.

I know she's being excessively redundant at alam ko ring sinisisi niya ang sarili niya sa nangyari kanina. But it's starting to make me feel bad when she does that. It's as if she's expecting me to flee anytime.

I know. It's a lasting aftereffect of my choices.

I tried to smile at her. "Masyado ka nang nagiging paranoid. I will be fine. Hindi naman maiiwasan iyon. Magkikita't magkikita pa rin kami kahit na anong iwas ko."

"Are you sure you're okay? Hindi ba masyadong nakakapagod ang trabaho mo?"

I lifted the shopping bags in my hands. "They're nothing."

Huminga siya nang malalim at ngumiti na rin. "Basta, kapag may ginawa si Rozach sayo, just tell me immediately."

I laughed. Ilang ulit ba niyang ipapaalala sa akin iyon? "Erika, hindi na siya bata para pagalitan mo." She's always been a mother to us, dahil maliban sa siya ang pinakamatanda sa amin ay siya rin ang pinakamaalaga. It's one of the several things that Kid liked about her.

The thought of Kid made my chest feel heavy. Ako lang ang napagsasabihan niya ng mga sekreto niya—which only revolves around his feelings for Erika. He must've regret sharing his emotions with me.

"Kahit na," ani Erika na nagpabalik sa akin. "He's nastier now, but he's still the same troubled Rozach I know. Alam ko pa rin kung ano'ng magpapatiklop sa kanya. Kaya kung may ginawa siya sayo, just tell me. That's not a request. That's an order."

Napailing na lang ako. Sure, she does know more about Rozach's unstable mood swings while she knew nothing about Kid's feelings for her. Or maybe she was just feigning innocence.

Oh, what I'd give to know what could tame Rozach Fortaleza. I would even trade Kid's secret if that would mean knowing what ticks him. I bet, pasasalamatan pa ako ni Kid kapag ginawa ko iyon.

"Anyway, Kian is waiting for you." She pointed at someone among the crowd and nudged my back softly with a smile. I was about to ask her when will the band would arrive, but a staff was already taking her attention.

I sighed as I walked away. Hindi ko mapigilan ang pag-usbong selos sa dibdib ko. How I wish I had those years I've missed to know more about his life, how he coped with knowing that the family who raised him was not his real family. That he was the son of one the famous Fortaleza brothers, Anton Fortaleza who was an ex-marine and a husband to Rosalyn Vasteras. May apat silang anak, and Rozach was the eldest fifth member—an illegitimate son that Anton didn't know exist until Rozach's mom died.

When the media got hold of the story, naging maingay ang pangalan ni Rozach Fortaleza. Siguro isa rin iyon sa dahilan kaya nakilala ang banda. It's ironic how a bad story can turn someone famous. Iniisip ko pa lang kung ano ang pinagdaanan ni Rozach nang mga panahong iyon...

I remember he used to ask his mom why he had a different name from his two sisters. They all carried his father's name—Esguerra. Pero ang tanging isinasagot lang sa kanya ng nanay niya ay apelyido daw ng lola niya ang Fortaleza. He knew her mother has something that she was not telling him, but he accepted that lie.

But by the time he knew the truth, I wasn't there anymore.

"It's for the best, Ali..." It's for the best.

Bitbit ang mga dala kong mga accessories na ni-request nila para sa shoot, nilapitan ko ang lalaking tinutukoy ni Erika. He's wearing a laidback maroon open neck shirt and khaki pants with his back turned to me. He looked like he was looking at something on his phone. For a hesitant moment, I was in doubt if he's the right guy I'm supposed to talk to.

Nagkibit na lang ako ng balikat. Ngunit bago ko pa makuha ang atensyon niya at makausap ay nakarinig ako ng tawanan mula sa likuran ko. I absently whirled around to look, and I regretted it immediately. 

Rozach was half-sitting, half-standing on the edge of a long table, a cigarette trapped in his lips while he was sandwiched between two models—both tall, long-legged, gorgeous morenas, and barely clothed with their tight tank tops and short shorts.

Shit! Mabilis akong luminga-linga, hinahanap kung saan naka-park ang RV nila. But I don't see it anywhere. I thought, mamaya pa sila darating. What's he doing here so early?!

His bored face instantly changed into an intense grim when he realized I was there, his eyes boring into me. I bit my lip as I felt that pang sliced through my chest. I realized I will never see his eyes shining for me again like they used to. He will always have that look in his eyes every time he sees me now.

That made me lower my gaze and I didn't dare meet his gaze again as I kept walking despite my weakening knees, immensely aware of his stabbing stare at my back. What if he decided to confront me right now? That possibility filled me with dread.

So? Just tell him what he needs to know.

I mentally shook my head, rejecting that idea. What he doesn't know won't hurt him. At mananatiling lihim iyon.

Hindi ko alam kung papaano ako nakalapit kay Kian nang hindi nawawalang ng panimbang. But I was glad I did.

Nilapag ko sa bakanteng bahagi ng mesa niya ang mga paper bags, doing my best to ignore Rozach and the pang in my chest. A girl approached me and asked if they were the accessories they were asking. Tumango ako at hinayaan siyang silipin ang laman ng mga iyon.

"These looks great!" sabi ng babae. That made Kian look at us. May suot siyang dark shades kaya hindi ko makita ang buong mukha niya. I'm not even sure where he was looking when he smiled.

I inhaled. My work here is done, kaya pwede na akong umalis. I swear I'd fly if I ever had wings, but that's a silly desperate thought. Hinayaan ko na silang mamili para sa gagamitin sa shoot. I was about to turn when someone held my wrist. "Ikaw ang stylist ng banda, tama?"

I looked at Kian as he took off his shades with his free hand. Saglit akong tumango habang sinusubukan kong alisin ang kamay ko sa kanya. But he didn't loosen his hold. He just smiled evenly instead and introduced himself. "Kian, by the way." Saka niya lang ako binitawan para makipagkamay sa kamay kong hawak niya kanina.

"Alysson."

"Nice to meet you, Alysson. This is Lily." Kumaway naman sa akin ang babae.

"I'll take these," ani Lily at binitbit na ang mga shopping bags. "Ihahanda ko na rin ang ibang gagamitin."

Hinintay ni Kian na makaalis si Lily bago ako binalingan. "Can I ask for a favor? I mean, that's if you have nothing important to do."

I stopped the urge to look at Rozach and those girls who were practically rubbing their boobs all over him.

"I already asked Rika, at pumayag naman siyang magpa-assist ako sayo—unless may iba kang gagawin." He slowly rubbed the back of his neck, looking uncertain, while he rocked back on his heels and I realized he was feeling rather shy about this. "Wala kasi ang assistant ko ngayon, she couldn't come, unfortunatel. And I would really appreciate a hand...?"

I offered him an understanding smile to slightly ease his shyness while extricating my hand from his grip. Hindi siugro niya na-realize na hawak pa rin niya ang kamay ko kaya mabilis niya akong binitawan. "Sorry."

"It's okay."

"I also want some of your honest and professional opinion, since you're someone who obviously know the band. Actually, Erika said maybe you can help."

I sighed, and smiled again trying to shove that disturbing warning in my head. "Sure. It's no problem. Kung may maitutulong naman ako..." I trailed, hoping against hope that I wouldn't get into Rozach's way as much as possible.

"Thanks," he said smiling, showing his impressive white straight teeth.

Mayamaya ay sinasabi na sa akin ni Kian ang gusto niyang resulta ng photo shoot. While looking at the monitor that has his ideas, he pitched me the concept of today's photo shoot. But I couldn't really focus on anything. It's as if my whole senses were trained on the other corner, nodding stiffly and repeatedly to whatever he was saying.

Suddenly, one of the leggy models giggled like a teenager who had her first kiss and the shrill irritating sound made my shoulders tense. I wonder what Rozach said—or did—that amused them so. Annoying curiosity got the best of me, kaya hindi ko napigilang tingnan sila. Rozach was whispering to the girl on his left and she's giggling while playfully slapping his chest—an old excuse to run her greedy hand on him. And then his dark eyes flew to mine while he still had his lips on her ear.

Kian abruptly stopped talking when he noticed I was distracted and turned to them. "Girls, why don't you get your make up ready? We're starting soon," aniya nang tingnan niya ang relo niya.

One pouted dramatically while the other rolled her eyes as they reluctantly left the rock star. I tore my gaze from his bored face before returning back to the monitor in front of me and trained my eyes to the colorful graphics that Kian was explaining to me.

I wasn't even aware I was clenching my fists so hard until Kian reached for my elbow. Medyo nagulat pa ako nang marahan niya akong hinila palapit sa tabi niya. "So, you can take a proper look. You're standing too far," paliwanag niya nang bahagya akong lumayo sa hawak niya. He smiled. "You're jumpy. Do I scare you?"

Bahagya akong natawa dahil sa sinabi niya. I'm on edge, yes. But he's reading it all wrong. Nasa kabilang dulo nakatayo ang dahilan ng kaba ko. Now that he's alone, my tensed nerves suddenly felt more wrung out than they've been at first. But I didn't dare tell him that.

"I'm sorry. I'm just all new to this," I just said, which was partly true.

His eyes flared with interest. "Really? So this is your first time?"

I wanted to say no, not really. That I worked with the band way before this. That I used to conceptualize their 'image' even before they became the rock gods they are now. But I stopped myself and nodded instead. I don't want to bore Kian with my stories. Not when Rozach was standing there with his hovering eyes on us. Besides, I still don't know the rest of his name which still makes him a stranger.

Itinuon ko na lang ang susunod na tanong ko tungkol sa problema niya sa photo shoot para mapabilis ang trabaho. For a while, I managed to lose myself over work. I realized I've missed working in this field. And I find it quite surprising that I still remember details about each of them.

Mayamaya ay narinig na namin ang paparating na RV at isa-isang bumaba roon sina Theo, Kid at Kip. Theo scanned the crowd and he only stopped when his eyes landed on me. Ganoon din si Kid nang makita niya si Erika. He did that pa-pogi gesture he always does before when he sees Erika. He ran his fingers through his long sleek hair and smiled at her. Tiningnan ko si Erika at nakita ko siyang iniikot ang mga mata niya. "You're late."

"Si Zach?" tanong ni Theo kay Erika.

"Kanina pa siya nandito."

Nagtatakang nagkatinginan ang tatlo. Kip turned and saw me, and then he was nodding his head as if he just thought of something that made sense before he waved a hand at me. Nginitian ko siya at ang kakambal niya kahit na isang supladong tingin ang natanggap ko sa kanya.

Isang babaeng staff ang nakita kong nahihiyang lumapit at kinausap si Rozach, and then she was whisking him away with her to prepare for the photo shoot. In just a plain army green shirt and dark jeans, he's dressed much the same as every man around here, yet he still stood out from them all by dint of that sheer commanding presence. People skirted and scampered around him as he cuts through the busy crowd with his easy and relaxed stride. He had that effect now, where girls would stop to ogle at his rockstar-studded look and physique and blush when they're caught staring, while boys wish to be his best friend. Or simply wish they were him.

I didn't realize I was watching them when Kian called my attention. Ilang sandali pa kaming nag-usap bago niya tinawag si Lily para sa ilang pagbabago. I appreciate that Kian listened to my suggestion, kahit na hindi ako isang professional na Fashion stylist. While it's true that I had once been the band's stylist long ago, it still doesn't make me a pro. Besides, I was a BS Education undergraduate.

"Alysson, pwede bang pakihatid ito sa kanila?" Lily said as she pushed the materials on me and left. Napilitan akong kunin ang mga iyon bago pa sila bumgsak. Ni hindi man lang niya ako pinagbigyang tumanggi. But then, I already promised Kian I would help. 

God! I'd really like to kick myself right now for being a doormat.

Tiningnan ko na lang ang pangalang nakasulat sa itim na clothes cover. KIP. I sighed in relief. Hindi ko alam kung kaya kong kausapin at harapin si Kid ngayon pagkatapos ng mga nangyari noong isang araw.

Lily was already delivering clothes to Kid's tent. Naglakad na rin ako papunta sa tent ni Kip nang may lumabas na babae mula sa loob. Tumigil siya nang mapansin niya ang dala ko. "Iyan na ba iyong susuotin ni Kip?"

Tumango ako at agad niyang kinuha sa akin ang damit. "Sige na, ako na ang bahala." She dismissed me with a friendly smile before she went back inside. Hindi na ako nagtagal doon at umalis para dalhin ang sunod na damit. Pero agad akong nahinto nang mabasa ko ang nagmamay-ari niyon.

ZACH.

What the fvck!

Mabilis kong hinanap si Lily sa paligid, pero hindi ko siya makita at lahat ay abala sa kanya-kanyang mga ginagawa.

Sinubukan kong humakbang, pero hindi ko magawa. I just can't do this. I have to go.

Paikot na ako nang makita kong may lumabas na staff na babae mula sa tent ni Rozach. Nakita niya ako at agad na napansin ang dala ko. "Bilis, bilis!" she said hurriedly while waving her hand, commanding me to come quick.

Wala na akong nagawa. I swallowed down my unease and walked. Rozach's tent looked uninvitingly forbidden and ominous and it grew even more threatening as I took heavy steps towards it. Hinawi ko ang pintuan pagdating ko at agad ko siyang nahanap.

He looked so breath-taking now that he had his make up on. Naka-braid ang mahabang buhok niya sa gitna at naipon iyon sa isang maliit na man bun sa likod. It kept his hair away from his face, defining the shape of his head and his bone structures, which only brought out his lethal charms. If I weren't so afraid of him, I'd be completely captivated all over again.

Katulad kanina'y napapalibutan na naman siya noong dalawang modelo na ngayon ay umiinom ng wine. Wala na ang short shorts at tight tank tops na suot nila. In place was jeans and midriff tops. At least, they were covered enough to be decent as they sat on each of Rozach's strong thighs. Gusto kong masuka.

"Ilagay mo lang doon," agaw ng babaeng staff na tumawag sa akin kanina. "Bilis na."

Swallowing, I turned to cautiously regard Rozach as I walked inside. His eyes never moved as he regarded me with a bored expression that I find torturous. Halos hindi na ako humihinga habang ipinapatong ko sa rack ang dala kong damit. I kept my hands as steady as I can because I know, I feel, Rozach was still staring at me. Unabashedly. Kahit na may kalampungan siya—hindi lang isa kundi dalawang babae.

Just as I'm about to turn and leave, one of the models knocked over her wine and it spilled on my jeans and splattered off the floor and onto my shoes, pati na rin sa sapatos ni Rozach. He hissed and moved away quickly, his eyes snapping at me.

"Oh my God! Girl, mag-ingat ka naman, pwede?!" the girl said with her high-pitched voice and slammed the glass on the table, while the other model giggled like it was something funny and entertaining.

"Sorry," I said, my words were barely a whisper. Hindi ko alam bakit ko sinabi iyon kahit na alam kong hindi ako ang dapat na humingi ng pasensya.

"What are you still doing? Maghanap ka ng panglinis dito!" asik pa niya habang inuumang sa akin ang open toes pumps niya na mukha namang hindi natapunan.

I breathed in deeply, reining the temper I could feel rising inside me, and grabbed a tissue that was on the vanity mirror. I don't want to make a scene or cause any scene, lalo na habang nasa harap ni Rozach. It's my official first day in this job, kaya kailangan kong pagbutihan.

I squatted down on my knees in front of them to wipe away the mess. I just want this over quickly at nang makaalis na ako.

Una kong nilinis ang paa ng babae, just to shut her up. Kaonti lang naman iyon kaya mabilis ko ring natapos. And then I fixed my eyes on the wet surface of Rozach's black shoes as if they were the most interesting thing I've ever seen and dabbed the tissue on it. Ramdam ko na ang pagkakabasa ng medyas ko dahil sa wine.

"Ito pa oh! Ayusin mo naman!" angal ng isang babae habang dinuduro ng paa niya ang isang sapatos ni Rozach na nasa ilalim pa ng upuan.

My brows knotted as I struggled to crawl farther, reaching forward to clean his other shoe. Hidi iyon ginawang madali sa akin ni Rozach. He must've liked seeing me where I am right now. On my knees. Beneath his feet.

I didn't dare look up and see the satisfied glint in his eyes.

Kagat labi kong pinunasan ang sapatos niya. I was almost through when suddenly, someone was pulling me on my feet. Nagulat ako nang makita ko si Theo na galit na galit na nakatingin kay Rozach. "Do you really have to be an asshole?"

"Hindi pa siya tapos, Theo," Rozach said lazily as he regarded me like I'm some shit he's disgusted to even step on. Kinuha pa niya ang wine ng isang model at nilagok iyon. "Let her clean up the mess."

Hindi siya pinakinggan ni Theo. He just tugged my arm, pulling me to go with him and get out of there. Pero mabilis na tumayo si Rozach na halos malaglag ang dalawang linta sa sahig, at hinatak ang isa kong braso. Napaigik ako sa sakit.

"Leave her alone, Theo," he snapped with his clenched teeth, warning flashing in his eyes. "Kung anuman ang gusto kong gawin sa kanya, wala ka nang pakialam doon."

Theo stepped into his space and stood in front of him, still not letting go of my arms. "You leave her alone," he challenged.

I realized we were taking unnecessary attention. Tumigil na ang iba sa gginagawa at pati ang dalawang modelo ay nakatunganga sa nangyayari. I reached for my courage and inserted myself between them before the situation goes out of hand. "Taman a iyan," giit ko habang nasa dibdib nila ang dalawang kamay ko.

Against my palm, I felt Rozach pressing in. He's not backing down. Laking pasasalamat ko nang may tumawag na staff sa loob. "Theo, we're ready for you!"

Hinarap ko siya Theo nang hindi siya agad umalis. Behind me, I could feel the heat from Rozach's body, and it burned every inch of my skin like how he used to.

Ignoring the sensation, I cleared my throat. "Theo, it's fine. Bumalik ka na doon." At tinanggal ko ang hawak niya sa braso ko. He looked at me with a briefest uncertainty before he reluctantly let me go and stalked off.

Saka ko hinarap si Rozach. His fingers were biting on to my skin as his hold on me tightened and I fought not to wince from the pain.

This was the first time he ever touched me after three years. The first time I was this close to him. And it still feels the same. I could still feel the erratic beat of my foolish heart. My lungs grow weak each time I breathed him in. And my eyes were always drawn to his eyes.

I wish I could erase that anger in his eyes. But I don't know how.

I'm half-afraid and half-tired. Kapag nagpaliwanag ba ako ngayon, pakikinggan ba niya ako?

But I don't want him to know the truth...

"Zach..." Natigil ako nang lalong humigpit pa ang hawak niya sa akin at hindi ko na mapigilan ang sakit na bumabaon sa buto ko. I reached for his hand on my arm and tried to extricate his hand, but he only firmed his hold, throttling my veins. "You're hurting me."

Something flashed in his eyes before his lips flattened mercilessly. "I'm hurting you?" Isang sarkastikong ngiti ang nabuo sa labi niya. "Baka nakakalimutan mo kung sino ang unang nanakit sa'tin." Pain radiated from where he had me trapped as he leaned closer to bit every word. "You hurt me first."

A slice of pain rips through my chest. Mas masakit pa iyon kesa sa diin ng kamay niya sa braso ko. "This is not the time or place to talk about that, Zach. Please." I was pleading. But I sounded hurt and in pain.

He pressed hard enough that I feared he might break my arm. "Kung iniisip mong mag-uusap pa tayo, nagkakamali ka. If you wanted to disappear, you should do it properly. Hindi ka na dapat bumalik pa." At mabilis niyang binitawan ang braso ko. He almost pushed me away I could've stumbled on my feet if I weren't fast enough to hold on to the table next to me.

I massaged the area where his hand was, knowing it will leave a mark on my skin. Dumapo doon ang mga mat ani Rozach at lalong nagdilim ang mukha niya. "Get out!" he barked.

Kitang-kita ko pa ang pagtitinginan ng mga staff doon at ang bulungan at tawanan ng dalawang modelo.

Naramdaman ko ang pamumula ng leeg ko hanggang sa mukha ko. I know it was the tears I was trying to contain since I stepped inside. Hopeless tears that just wanted to be free. At hindi ko napigilan ang pagpatak ng isa. At ng isa pa.

Rozach didn't like the sight of it. Humakbang siya palapit sa akin at halos sigawan na ako sa mukha. "I said, get the fvck out!" he gritted, halos pumutok na ang ugat sa leeg niya sa pagpipigil ng galit niya.

I sucked on my breath, turned on my heels and ran with my chest hurting. 

I know he will punish me for hurting him. And I thought loving him from far way, remembering him every painful day would be enough to atone for it. I thought living with numbered days would be my punishment. Pero nagkamali ako.

This was his punishment. I'm still in love with a man who hates me.