L I E

AS I SAT there in front of the vanity mirror, staring back at those troubled eyes, I can't help but ask myself why the hell did I agree to this when I knew it wasn't a good idea to begin with.

I must've gone mad. That's the only explanation I could come up with.

Sino ba namang matinong tao ang papayag sa ganito?

Being the band's stylist sure pays a lot better than doing three jobs a week. It's even enough to cover five months of my bills and other expenses. But can I do it? Work with Rozach and everybody else?

I sighed because the answer was staring at me with stark clarity. It's impossible. At least waiting tables was a lot more comfortable, because I can be far away from them. And that brings me back to my question again. What am I doing here?

Hindi ko alam kung bakit ko pa sinusubukang mag-isip, when I'm already here. Napailing na lang ako habang iniikot ko ang paningin sa buong kuwarto kung saan ako pinatuloy ni Erika kagabi. She had to sneak me inside when I got here last night. I know it's because she wanted to be careful. Ayaw niyang may makakita sa akin bago niya masabi sa buong bandang nandito ako.

It's the most luxurious hotel here in town, at sa tinagal kong nakatira dito, I know well how private and expensive this place is. And they're staying here for a month—lahat ng kasama sa band tour.

Back in the days, Erika couldn't even afford an average hotel. Madalas, sa loob na ng sasakyan kami natutulog kapag may gig ang banda. But those were precious moments. We were happy despite the struggle we were trying to overcome.

Seeing the small tug on my lips pulled me to reality, instantly wiping that smile off of my face.

I suddenly remembered how brave I was last night to call my boss and tell him I quit and showed up here with a suitcase in tow, thinking I've made a sound decision. I wonder where did that courage go? 'Cause damn, I need it now. Mayroon na lang akong tatlong oras bago ako tuluyang magpakita sa kanila.

Hindi ko alam kung napag-isipan ko nga ba talaga ito. Should I just leave?

The shrill sound of the hotel phone ringing almost made my heart leap out of its cage. It seemed silly but I still clutched my chest as though to keep it inside as I reached for the phone to answer it, half afraid of who it could be calling. Wala pa naman sigurong nakakaalam na nandito ako, 'di ba?

"Morning!" magaang bati ni Erika sa kabilang linya. "Thank God, you're still here." The evident relief in her voice mirrored mine. "I really had a bad dream last night. Napanaginipan kita. You bailed on me and left this morning."

I chew the inside of my jaw while I eyed my unpack suitcase lying on the floor. Kung alam lang niya ang iniisip ko kanina.

"It's silly, I know," she said. "Anyway, kung ready ka na, come down and join me for breakfast, okay?"

"Dito?" Warning bells rang inside my head.

"Don't worry. Mamaya pa kakain ang mga alaga ko. They're probably still sleeping right now. Kaya bumaba ka na bago pa sila magutom."

I breathed a heavy sigh, remembering that small detail about them. They're not the most time-conscious people I know. But I still have to be careful, just in case.

I wonder how long this hide and seek will last, though.

"I'll wait for you in the lobby," sabi niya bago siya nawala sa linya.

I eyed my wristwatch as I replaced the phone on its cradle. Alas-ocho na pala. Isa at kalahating oras na akong nakapagbihis at nakaupo rito sa kuwarto, nakatitig lang. I almost forgot about breakfast.

I grabbed my crisscross bag and walked to the door with heavy feet I was almost dragging them. It's as if they're stopping me from stepping out of this room, which was ridiculous. Pinihit ko ang doorknob at dahan-dahang binuksan iyon hanggang sa magkasya na ang buong ulo ko palabas. I searched the empty hallway for any threat, and then I realized I probably looked stupid for doing this. They're staying at the top floor, for goodness! Hindi naman sila tatambay dito para abangan ako. They're too famous to be loitering around.

But still, I found myself running on tiptoes as I passed by closed doors to get to the elevator. It's only when the lift closed that I was able to let go of the breath that I didn't even know I was holding. Seriously, I didn't have to be so scared witless. It's been three years. Surely, they won't be as angry as they were years ago, right?

How I wish it was the case.

Nandito na rin lang ako kaya dapat nag-iipon na ako ng lakas ng loob para harapin sila, lalo na si Rozach. I should be spending my limited time preparing for the time. I left knowing how he would feel and still, I did it. I walked out of his life without a proper good-bye like a coward. I know what the consequences will be, and I should face them with reasonable courage.

But even as I told myself that, I still couldn't shake that nerve. Ilang ulit akong huminga nang malalim sa loob ng elevator hanggang sa bumukas iyon. There's Erika, screaming my name for the entire floor to hear.

"Ali!"

"I've always wondered kung bakit hindi ka naging singer," I mumbled.

"I know, right?" she giggled and hearing that made me smile despite my distress. I realized I missed her.

Napapailing na lang ako habang akay niya ang braso ko. She took me to where the food was served in buffet and I tried not to gawk at the seemingly endless table filled with mouth-drooling food. Karamihan, sa cooking recipes ko lang nakikita at ngayon ko lang matitikman. Well, pretty much all of them.

Erika kept on talking about her dream last night as we walked and served our food. Nakinig lang ako nang hindi nagsasalita. Erika has always been a talker. It gets annoying sometimes but that skill, her strong personality together with her determination sent the band to where they are now.

I've lived in this town for three years, ever since I left actually, pero ngayon lang ako nakapasok rito. I mean, considering the little amount of money I had then, there was no reason for me to stay here. I thought I'd sleep on the streets that night. Mabuti na lang at mabait ang may-ari ng restaurant na pinagtrabahuhan ko noon at pumayag na patuluyin ako sa bahay niya sa loob ng anim na buwan bago ako lumipat.

I met Gemma after that. Kinailangan ni Mrs. Go ng bagong waitress at natanggap siya. I asked her if she wanted to be my roommate so we could split the bill, and she's more than willing to take the offer. Unlike me, she's there to look for a job to continue her studies. She's taking up Business Administration. According to her, she wanted to put up a business of her own, at gusto niyang palaguin iyon hanggang sa manahin iyon ng magiging mga anak niya hanggang sa apo niya. She had all her life mapped out. And I envy that about her, and everyone else.

"Ali, don't just stare at the food. Eat. Before they come down."

Erika's voice pulled me out of that spiraling thought. I smiled apologetically and attempted to eat with enough enthusiasm I could inject. Ilang bagay rin ang pinag-usapan namin habang kumakain. They were mostly safe topics, about the band, their future schedules and plan, her stressful work and mine. We managed to dodge things about me and my predicament, which I know she was itching to know.

Kung ako rin ang nasa katayuan niya, gugustuhin ko ring malaman lahat ng tungkol sa isang kaibigang bigla na lang nawala at hindi na nagpakita. I can absolutely understand her. And that's why I really appreciate that she wasn't asking anything.

She looked at her watch and when her eyes bulged alarmingly, I knew she's off. "Oops! I have to go." Mabilis niyang inunos ang laman ng baso niya at tumayo na. "I'll meet you later, okay?"

Mabilis akong tumango habang kumakaway sa kanya. But before she leaves, she took one look at me again and smiled thoughtfully. "Don't worry too much. I'm sure they'll be happy to see you."

I smiled through my doubt, because I know they'll be anything but happy and glad when they see me.

Medyo nagawa ko na ring rumelax nang kaunti sa mga sumunod na minuto habang kumakain ng mag-isa, Erika's half eaten food in front of me. Does she even have time for herself?

The band soared so high for the past years. They've achieved so many things, and even when they're hit with scandals and issues, they always manage to bounce back brighter and stronger. And I know part of it was because of Erika. We used to do it together for the band. I look for bars where they can perform for a night, sometimes a week. Kung minsan, ako rin ang naghahanap ng gig na puwede nilang pasukan. I used to do everything for them. But one night of disappearance, I dumped it all to Erika.

I quickly cut off the bud of guilt before it bloomed inside me again. I think it was for good that I left. I knew Erika can get them to the spotlight. If I never left, I would only drag them down.

A couple who were occupying the table next to me caught my attention. Wala nang masyadong tao sa breakfast hall kaya sila lang ang napansin ko. The man was feeding his girl and she grinned to him with love that they could only understand.

I used to hate it when guys do that—feed their girlfriends. Instead of seeing it as a pure sweet gesture, I thought men train women to be submissive through that display of masculinity.

Rozach gets that about me. Hindi niya maintindihan kung bakit ayaw na ayaw kong magpasubo sa kanya when he attempts to. But then everything changed when I took care of him for almost two weeks when he sprained his arm. He showed me that it was not about submission. It's affection.

Somewhere in my head, I saw myself smiling like that—absolutely happy, with no care for the rest of the world. I shouldn't have made myself feel that happiness. Because all I've known now is sadness when I lost it.

I sighed. Ano ba 'tong pinag-iiisip ko?

Shaking that thought out of head, I fished for my pills in my bag. I looked inside it and was in the middle of calculating days when I heard a tiny squeak somewhere. Napaangat ako ng ulo, only to meet someone so familiar standing halfway across my table.

Theo's lips slightly parted as his eyes widened from instant recognition—exactly the look I was expecting to see.

"Ali," he breathed in disbelief.

I stood, completely forgetting about the open bottle in my hand. Nahulog ang laman niyon sa sahig. The pills sounded like thunders drumming on my dulled senses as they fell, tumbling down to the marble floor.

Mabilis akong umupo para pulutin ang mga iyon. Mas gugustuhin ko pang makipagtitigan sa sahig kaysa sa titigan si Theo. My heart was hammering so hard in my chest I had to take deep breathes. My clumsy fingers couldn't even grab the small pellets properly and I swallowed the torrent of curses when I realized they were shaking.

He must've seen it because he was bending to his knees next to me and picked up the rest and put them back in the bottle himself instead of handing them to me. He knew I can't. And then I saw he's looking at the label.

Agad kong binawi iyon sa kanya at itinago sa loob ng bulsa ko. "S-salamat."

He's frowning at me by the time I was looking at him again, and my heart pounded at the questions brewing in his eyes.

"Alam ba niyang nandito ka?" he asked, surprising me.

Hindi iyon ang tanong na inaasahan ko mula sa kanya, and I know it wasn't the first question he wanted to ask—out of many. He's too smart for that.

But I recognized the lifeboat he was throwing. "Hindi pa," I said, shaking my head.

He didn't say anything, just narrowing his eyes at my answer with anger in his eyes. It was a message, that I will be meeting him—them—soon. It was something I'm unfamiliar with.

Sa kanilang apat, Rozach's the crankiest and the twin, Kip and Kid, are the trouble makers. But Theo is the gentlest. Iilang beses ko lang siya nakitang nagalit—that's when he's forced to wake up and everytime he's starved.

But right now, he's anger was for me.

His mild curly black 'good boy' hair that I always make fun of was gone and was replaced with highlighted messy waves carefully braided into a top bun taming those curls. It somehow made a contrast to the soft feature of his face giving an illusion of a stranger.

Does he hate me too?

His intense stare was interrupted when his phone suddenly rang. He took his time to answer it. "'Tol," he said while eyeing me and something in his gaze that tells me it's him on the other line. Rozach.

Knowing that he's only a breadth away from hearing my voice made my fear seemed more real.

"She's asking for you. Where the hell are you?" He stifled a groan. "Be here at 9. Kailangan tayo ni Rika," he said that while throwing me a pointed look again. "Bilisan mo."

That scene almost put a smile on my face as I listened to him. Hearing him lecturing Rozach felt nostalgic. It felt familiar somehow, reminding me that this is Theo, my bestfriend. And it made my heart ache.

He looked at me again when he disconnected the call. "I have to go," he bit.

"H-hindi ka man lang ba kakain?" I asked. He has a glutton appetite and he's always the first out four to ask for food. I hate to keep him starved if he skips breakfast because I'm here.

"We already called for room service," aniya. "I only came here to make sure..." he trailed.

Make sure I'm here.

Did Erika already tell them?

The almost forgotten fear gripped me again, spreading through me from the thought, but Theo stopped it. "Sinundan ko si Erika kanina. And I saw you with her. I... I wanted to make sure you're here."

So, there really was a reason for my uneasiness. I shouldn't have relied on the thought that I was safe until Erika announced my return. Theo was too smart for this.

My guilt came back to me, scratching old scars. "Theo..."

"Erika told us she was hiring a friend and asked us not to ask anything," he interrupted. "Hindi namin alam na ikaw ang tinutukoy niyang kaibigan." His voice was growing hard with each word. "I don't know what you're expecting from showing up after three years. But don't expect any warm welcome from us or things will be the same. Marami na ang nagbago magmula ng umalis ka. Lalo na si Zach."

He didn't wait for my reply and stood up to leave.

I know. You've change, too, I thought as I watch him disappear.

He was my bestfriend. My childhood friend. We were together ever since we were kids. Lahat ng sekreto niya alam ko at lahat ng sekreto ko alam niya. I know all his problems, especially about his family. Kaya naiintindihan ko kung bakit nagagalit siya. We never kept a secret from each other. But I betrayed him. 

Hindi lang si Rozach ang nasaktan ko. Theo too. And if he could be this angry seeing me, ano pa kaya ang iba? Rozach would probably swear at me and... possibly hurt me out of anger.

That thought made me shiver inside. He can be pretty violent. Madalas siyang napapasama sa away noon. I would see him around school looking all dark and mysterious. Someone you couldn't trust to be alone with.

I was yanked from that memory lane when I heard my phone chirped and saw Erika's message.

Penthouse suite.
Come when you're ready, okay?

Renewed dread spread through me once again. My stomach churned as I closed my eyes, taking a calming breath. Ready. Kalian pa ako magiging handa sa ganito? I could never prepare my heart for this.

I looked at the time on my vintage watch. It's 8:40 and I only have 20 minutes remaining—all of those 3 years narrowed down to this.

Tumayo ako para lumabas at tinungo ang elevator. I've never felt this scared of the elevator, but despite the fear, adrenaline rushed through my veins. I reluctantly pushed the button, knowing that the revolving door was just a few steps away from me.

I have a choice here. Erika is not really a cold-blooded woman. She will respect my decision if I ever said no. She will understand if I back out now.

But I can't keep running away from them, can I? Someday, somewhere, I know we will meet again. I'm just delaying the inevitable. So, might as well be done with this.

The elevator opened and I gingerly stepped a foot in and the other, and the lift was closing and moving. I could already feel the beginning of the pounding of my heart like drums against my ribs.

This is bad.

I needed to calm down, kaya ipinikit ko ang mga mata ko at nag-focus sa paghinga ko. Deep breathing always does the trick when I'm near to panicking. But right now, it's not really working so well, so I had to do it deeper.

I urged myself to think of good things. And ironically so, they include people that I was so afraid to see right now.

Iyon ang ginawa ko hanggang sa makarating ako sa penthouse suite. Number of big bulky securities in black suits and dark shades heavily guarded the place. They seemed to expect me because two of them escorted me as soon as I stepped out of the lift. I felt ridiculously small between them.

They did the knocking as we faced the dreadful door. I almost held the knob back when it sprang open, and standing there was Erika with an excited smile on her face. She looked awfully thrilled about the situation. Siya lang yata ang tuwang-tuwa sa mangyayari.

"Come in, come in," aniya at hinila ako papasok habang nagpapaalam sa mga kasama ko. "Thanks, Ben!"

A spacious living room with a panoramic view of the vast sky and city below greeted me once inside. I've never really stepped in places like this so to be fully at awe was not out of ordinary. But Erika looked so used to everything she barely looked at the incredible view.

I stopped gawking and followed her close. She's talking about something so quickly I hardly catch up. My senses seemed to be in a state of obtuseness I couldn't process anything. My heart felt like it's all the way to my mouth.

Surprisingly, the place was neat—except for a few things lying around. Discarded leather jacket, towels, lots of papers and empty ashtray. Not one cigarette butt, I noted. Kaya pala wala akong naamoy.

"They're not allowed to smoke inside," biglang sabi ni Erika nang mapansin niya kung nasaan ang mata ko.

"May apat na kuwarto sa taas. One living room and an open kitchen with dining room," she continued. I realized she was giving me a quick tour around the suite. 

"Gutom na ako." I heard someone said. The voices sounded like buzz on my ear, but it grew clearer as we drew closer to the dining area.

"Kakakain mo lang, Kip." Kahit pikit-mata, I could tell it was his twin who said that.

"Nasaan na ba si Zach? He should be here hours ago."

My back straightened immediately. Hindi ko alam kung magpapasalamat akong wala dito si Rozach o kung madidismaya.

We were just entering the kitchen when I saw Kid asking Theo. "Ikaw, Theo. May alam ka ba?"

Theo shrugged while checking his phone. "Probably drunk somewhere."  

"Guys!" tawag ni Erika sa atensyon nila. Nahigit ko ang hininga ko nang lahat sila lumingon at nahatimik.

I desperately wished I could hide behind Erika, but it would be stupid when they're all looking at me in the same face that Theo did. Puwera si Kip, who looked so glad to see me.

"Ali!" He shot to his feet and ran to me. Mabilis niya akong niyakap nang napakahigpit. He was almost lifting my feet off the floor. "Where the hell did you go?"

I could only smile at him. Mabuti na lang at sinaway siya ni Erika. "Ibaba mo nga siya, at bumalik ka sa upuan mo."

Kip was still grinning cheekily while he took his seat. But his twin was not happy. They used to share the same smile when they see me. Today was a different matter, I guess.

"Ano'ng ibig sabihin nito?" tanong niya kay Erika nang hindi ako binabalingan. He wasn't even acknowledging my presence.

"She's your new stylist," Erika informed casually as if she just didn't drop a bomb to everyone.

Kid smirked, but he did that with no humor at all. "Rika, kaya na namin ang sarili namin. We don't need a stylist. Especially her." He's still not looking at me.

Erika rolled her eyes. "You have a fashion of a ten-year-old, Kid. Huwag kang magpatawa. Kailangan ninyo ng stylist, and I can't do the job with my hands full."

"Marami namang qualified sa position na iyan. We can ask Pat for a replacement. You didn't need to bring her back."

Now I can feel I'm sinking in my own skin. Kid was showing exactly what I was afraid of and nobody's stopping him, not even my best friend. Why would he? He shared the same opinion. 

"Kid, it's not your call who to hire and who I choose. You kicked Pat out, remember? So, don't be a dick." Kip visibly flinched at that. "We don't have any more time to waste for interviews and all. You have to prepare for your next album while on tour. At ngayong ayaw nang bumalik ni Pat dahil sa inyo, you don't get to be picky here, and I'm not really in the mood to clean up your mess."

I felt bad, listening to all of this. Kitang-kita namang ayaw ni Kid at Theo na nandito ako. And I feel like I'm wedging myself between them and Erika. This was not what I want.

I was so lost when Kid finally gave me his attention, and I instantly wished he didn't. The cold hatred in his eyes made me feel like I'm the lowest human being on earth. "You must be so desperate for a job, kaya tinanggap mo ang trabaho at hindi mo na tinanggihan."

"Kid!" Theo warned.

"Hindi ba totoo?" he all but shouted while flaring those angry eyes at me. "Baka nakakalimutan niyo ang ginawa ng babaeng iyan sa kaibigan natin? Ginago niya si Zach!"

"That's enough!" Erika shouted even before he could complete the words.

Lalong sumama ang loob ko sa narinig kong sigawan nila. I know Kid's hidden feeling for Erika, and seeing them like this—hearing them shouting at each other just because of someone like me...

I bit my lips hard to keep the tears at bay. I expected all the harsh words. I can even accept them. But I don't want this. I don't like to see them fighting over me.

Kid sighed when he saw how upset he made Erika. "Look, alam naming kasalanan namin ang nangyari kay Pat. But we really don't need a stylist. Tapos ang usapan," he said firmly and walked out.

Balak ni Erika na sundan si Kid, pero mabilis ko siyang pinigilan at hinawakan ang braso niya. I shook my head when she threw me an irritated look. Agad na lumambot ang mukha niya. "I'm sorry."

Tumayo si Kip at muli niya akong nilapitan at niyakap. "Ako ang kakausap sa kanya." At lumabas na. Theo stood up too and left without a word again.

"Hayaan na muna natin silang huminahon," Erika said when we were alone. Apparently, she was taking this so calmly than I expected her to be. "They can't do anything. All the legal process was done and I'll make sure they won't do anything like what they did to Pat. Kalimutan mo na lang mga sinabi nila. Kid can be an asshole when he's emotional."

I just smiled. Angry people tend to say what was the deepest emotion in their heart. Kid was mad at me because of what I did to Rozach. And I admire him for his fierce loyalty to his friends.

If I were him, I wouldn't forgive me too.

WALA akong ginawa buong maghapon pagkatapos ng nangyari kanina sa penthouse kundi ang mag-isip. Tatanggapin pa kaya ako ng boss ko kung babalik ako? I think it won't be too late if I go back now?

I haven't seen Erika again after that morning. I believe she's somewhere talking to important people with the band on their platter.

I sighed. I know Erika wanted me to brush it off, but I couldn't really forget everything that Kid said and his anger. It's been bothering all day.

I looked at the window. The clouds were gone now and the sky was spilling velvet blue everywhere. Night was coming and I still have no idea if Rozach and everyone was back. Ang sabi ni Erika, walang schedule ang banda ngayon. So, that meant they can do whatever they wanted to do today.

A thought sneaked its way to my head and planted itself there. Did Kid tell Zach about me?

Mabilis akong bumangon at hinanap ang cellphone ko. I don't know if Theo still owns the same number, but I prayed it was. Pero bago pa ako makatawag ay biglang tumunog iyon. Erika was calling me.

"Erika," mabilis kong sagot. I feel so agitated. I know it's just time before Rozach knew I'm back. Pero mas gusto ko pa ring makita siya sa oras na iyon.

"Hi, Ali! Can I ask for a favour? Pwede bang kunin mo sandali iyong mga damit sa RV? I need to check them. Pakilagay na lang sa kuwarto mo, and I'll just pick them up as soon as I come back from here. Iniwan kasi ni Pat doon. Alam mo na, baka mangamoy sigarilyo kapag napabayaan doon."   

"Walang problema."

"Thanks!"

"Uhm, Erika..." pigil ko bago pa niya maibaba tawag. "Alam na ba ni Rozach?"

I heard her sigh. "I don't think so. Pinakiusapan ko silang 'wag na munang sabihin kay Zach. It would be better if I tell him first. Ayokong maulit ang nangyari kanina. I don't want to put you on the spot like that."

"But he might do something..."

"Alam kong minsan agresibo siya noon. But he's changed, Ali."

That made me frown. Bago ko pa matanong si Erika tungkol doon ay nagpapaalam na siya sa kabilang linya. "I'll see you later, okay? Ask for the lobby for the key." And she disconnected. Ni hindi ko man lang alam kung ano ang itsura ng RV nila.

Nasa isip ko pa rin ang sinabi ni Erika paglabas ko ng kuwarto hanggang sa lobby. But eventually, I lost it somewhere in my head when the valet handed me the key with a message that it was parked at the back of the hotel. Kinailangan pa niyang tingnan ang ID ko para daw kompirmahin ang pangalan ko bago niya ibinigay iyon.

This was my first assignment from the manager, and I was worried I wouldn't recognize the RV trailer as I walked around the hotel. But then, I was worried for nothing because I spotted it as soon as I stepped to the open space where it was parked. Sa tingin ko'y isa iyong space para sa expansion ng hotel kung sakaling gustohing palawakin ng may-ari ang building.

I wondered why they chose to park their RV in here. Mas mabuti kung sa parking basement na lang sila nag-park dahil mas private doon at iwas media. I mean, they're famous now and they can easily catch attention. Paano kung may makakita sa kanila at bigla silang minanmanan? They should be more careful.

Walking closer to it, I examined the band's name painted on the trailer. Radical. Kahit hanggang ngayon, naaalala ko pa rin kung paano nabuo ang pangalang iyan and it never failed to make me smile.

It was after the first month since Rozach and I started to see each other. We were still hiding our relationship from our friends, and if I were to ask why—I couldn't remember exactly. Maybe it gave us the thrill of dating secretly, kaya gusto naming isekreto iyon.

Nasa cafeteria kami noon, with the band sitting altogether in one table. I was doing my Chemistry homework but Rozach was distracting me too much. He kept chasing my hand under the table and when he does catch it, he'd draw little circles on it.

God, it used to drive me crazy! Wala na halos akong natapos sa homework ko noon dahil sa kanya. So I just shouted 'Radical' out of frustration. Hindi ko alam na tinatanong na pala ako ni Kip kung ano ang ipapalit nila sa pangalan ng banda nila. They're used to be called 'Foxtrot.' They thought I was annoyed, kaya tinanggap na nila agad ang Radical.

I shook my head at the memory. Kung alam ko lang na sisikat sila nang ganito, I should've suggested something else.

But Radical still has a ring on it. It also suits them, unexpectedly.

Looking at the keys on my hand, hinanap ko sa tatlo kung alin doon ang pambukas sa pintuan.

I can't see what's inside because of the heavily dark curtain blocking the tinted windows. Ipinasok ko ang susi, and I heard a noise as soon as the door slightly opened.

Natigilan kaagad ako. I felt reluctant all of a sudden to go inside. Paano kung pagkamalan akong magnanakaw o mas malala pa doon?

Erika still hasn't introduced me yet to the whole staff kaya hindi ko sigurado kung itutuloy ko pa ito.

It's okay, Ali. Just tell them you're the new stylist and Erika needs the clothes now that's why you're here.

Mas weird kung aalis kaagad ako.

Binuksan ko na ang pintuan at pumasok. The voices grew louder and clearer once I'm inside. It belongs to a girl and she was moaning.

Chills crawled all over my skin when realization hit me. Iisa lang ang imaheng pumasok sa isip ko. And it's something that will make Maria Clara blush beet root. Just thinking that we're only separated by a door made my fine hair stand on goosebumps.

Shit! How can they do that in here? Alam ba ni Erika 'to? Are they permitted to do that here?

I suddenly felt like a voyeur standing here and listening to her moans and that creaking sound inside. It's so awkward. Gusto kong bumaba na kaagad, but then I saw the layers of plastic-wrapped clothes lying on the sofa just steps away from me.

I could reach them without making any noise and possibly leave without being caught. Boldly, I took the chance to take a step, and then I heard her again.

"Rozach!" the girl moaned and I instantly stilled, my feet freezing on the floor.

"Yes!Yes! Yes!" the girl cried louder and I pictured him with some woman while my heart dies a little bit more.

Hindi ko iyon nakayanan. I turned away fast and something crushed down the floor, creating a harsh sound against the silence of the night.

"What the—" someone grumbled.

Hinayaan ko na ang nabasag na baso at mabilis na tumalon sa labas. I quickly hid at the back of the RV and held my breath with one hand on my mouth. Mula sa labas ay ramdam ko ang mabibigat na yabag, and it sounded like the hard thud of my heart.

I should run before Zach found me hiding out here. I don't want him to see me this way after three years. Kung puwede lang, ayoko nang makita pa niya ako. I should run away fast!

But my knees felt so weak under me, I don't think they can carry me back to the hotel. I'm not even sure if I can walk without stumbling.

Narinig kong bumukas ang pintuan at kasunod n'on ang boses ni Rozach. "Ikaw lang pala," he said in a not so surprised voice, though he sounded almost irritated.

My heart almost stopped from beating. Mariin kong ipinikit ang mga mata ko. I know he didn't mean me because there's no way he'll use that gentle tone when he sees me. He's talking with someone else.

"I came to pick up something," someone said. I couldn't quite identify who it was because my heartbeat was louder than their voices.

"'Told you not to fvck your sluts in here."

Rozach chuckled. "You jealous fvck," he said teasingly and I had to close my eyes at the sound of that voice, painfully reminding me of those times when I was so tempted to call him just to hear his voice. God, how I've missed it. 

And then the door closed and more footsteps inside. I dropped my hand and let out a ragged breath. And that's when I felt it—the knife of intense jealousy wedged on my chest. It's so painful I had to press my eyes close for a moment to keep the tears at bay. But it was no use. Hot fluid leaked down my eyes.

Shit, Ali! It's not like this is anything new to me. Alam kong nagkaroon ng maraming girlfriend si Rozach. He fvcked plenty of girls after me. Women throw themselves on him every chance they got and I know very well how he enjoyed the attention. I've seen him bring dates on every music awards and I've seen more than three names.

So why am I feeling this?

Because it was the first time you witnessed it, even though you didn't actually see them. But you were there.

I crushed that small voice whispering, not because it's not true. It is true. I didn't hear rumors this time. I heard them. And it's more painful than the news I only see and read on TV.

"Hanggang kailan ka magtatago diyan?"

I gasped when I saw Theo stepping in front of me. His frown knotted when he noticed I was crying. I looked away quickly to swipe the hot tears from my face with the backs of my hands.

He sighed and handed me something. "Take these."

Saka ko lang napansing dala niya pala ang mga damit na pinapakuha sa akin ni Erika. Tiningnan ko siya nang may pagrataka.

"Erika thought you might need some help," paliwanag niya.

"Thanks," I mumbled, taking them from him. Agad kong naramdaman ang bigat ng mga iyon nang bitawan niya sa braso ko. Pagkatapos ay walang imik na siyang umalis.

I stalled to balance the weight properly on my arms, using that escape to compose myself. I could easily carry this before, but after losing some pounds, I don't think I can carry things that weighs more than me now.

Inaayos ko pa ang mga dala ko nang biglang bumalik si Theo, taking me by surprise again. "Gusto mo bang magpahuli?" he sounded annoyed. I almost rolled my eyes on him, but the familiar look of concern in his eyes stopped me.

"Heto na."

With my arms full, I trudged behind him, never looking back. I felt like if I do, I'll only kill myself twice tonight.

Panaka-naka ay sinisilip ako ni Theo. He's doing it so subtly so I don't notice, but I do. Nakikita niya sigurong nahihirapan ako at alam kong gusto niya akong tulungan, because it's just the way he is. Always a gentleman. He can't even make a girl cry. But he's holding himself back now, because he's angry at me.

I didn't know he can hold a grudge too.

Pero kahit na ganoon, I can still understand him.

He just walked beside me all the way inside. Hanggang sa makapasok kami sa elevator. He never asked though, if I need help. And it was okay. It's not his job anyway.

Sa tagal naming magkaibigan, it's the first time we had this conversation—where we never talked.

Katulad ni Erika, alam kong marami din siyang tanong at gustong malaman. And I was just glad he didn't ask. Because I don't think I want to answer them.

But because of the silence, my head couldn't stop swimming back from what I've heard out there.

"I told you not to fvck your sluts in here."

Theo said that. That means, hindi lang iisang beses nangyari iyon.

The clothes suddenly felt heavy in my arms. Should I really do this? I wonder again. Can I really do this? Umpisa pa lang, mabigat na.

The lift stopped and opened on my floor before I could answer my question. Ngunit bago pa ako makalabas ay narinig ko si Theo.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

I'm not sure if he's asking about the clothes, but I nodded anyway and smiled even though we both know it was a lie.