***

"Mitch, time for dinner!"

This was it. I sat up and took a deep breath before scooting off my bed.
I couldn't focus on telling you any details about my bedroom since everything was slowly turning blurry.

Is this what it's like to be actually withering away?

I made my way to the stairs, afraid of falling since I could barely even walk right. I gripped onto the railing and slowly made my way down.

I was going to tell them.

I was finally going to tell them.

***
One year before...

"Morning, Mitch!" Kirstie greeted. As much as I hate to say it, I just couldn't deal with her today.

She's my best friend, but I just couldn't be near her anymore. It was getting too hard.

"I-I gotta go to the bathroom." I quickly said, Dodging her almost hug.

Did I feel bad? Yes.
But that's just what I had to do.

"Mitch? Mitch! What's going on?" She yelled, probably catching on to the many times I've swerved her. I stopped in my tracks and turned back at her, only to wish I hadn't.

She was beautiful.

I wanted to be like her.

But I couldn't. I didn't know why I was feeling the impulse to just take her hand and drag her to the next mall and have her pick out clothes for me.
The type of clothes she liked to wear.

I couldn't do this.

"Mitch?"

And I freaking hated that goddamn name.

"Nothing, nothing is going on, alright!? Just leave me the heck alone!" I replied harshly. She didn't seemed phased and grabbed my wrist and pulled me toward the janitors closet, slamming the door and turning on the light switch.

"Don't you dare! Tell me what's going on now! You've been ignoring me for weeks and you don't even like looking at me. Did I do something wrong? What did I do? If you just telling me, I'll fix it but you can't just--"

I rolled my eyes, and without thinking, the words slipped out of my mouth.

"I want to be a girl, Kirstie."
She stopped, her mouth still open from the words she interrupted, and looked at me in the eyes.

"Really?" She asked lowly. I dug my finger nails into my hands as I clenched my fists.
This could've been a very bad idea to tell my best friend I want to be a girl in a chemical smelling closet.

"Yeah..." I replied seriously. Her mouth closed and she quickly had a wide smile on her face.

"Okay! Oh my gosh, we should go shopping! Oh! Oh! I can change your pronouns if you want! We can change your name if you'd like! Oh my gosh, we should go shopping first though! Definitely shopping!"

Then the biggest smile formed on my face as I quickly wrapped my arms around her.

"Thank you." I barely whispered. I was shocked at her reaction, but it was very Kirstie.

She hugged my tighter and replied.
"No problem...Mitch. Oh wait! Sorry, uh...no problem soon-to-be-named."

***
End of flashback.

Now it was time for my parents.
I had stopped trying to convince myself that this was a phase.

Because this was not a phase. I remember pretending that I was a spy and had to go undercover as a boy for a long time. That's how I dealt with this. With being a guy.

I couldn't describe the feeling to Kirstie. The feeling of being in the wrong place, the wrong body. My mind just didn't work like the other boys I knew. I remember wanting to sneak into my mothers makeup and give myself full glam at six years old. I remember wanting so badly to wear a dress to prom, but I wasn't ready. Although sometimes people aren't ever ready, they just take a shot in the dark.

After I told everything to Kirstie, I remember her asking me, "when did you start feeling like a girl?"
Which is a very simple question. So I replied honestly, "I've never been a boy. Always a girl."

I'm just a girl that has some uh...grounding issues.
I eventually got to the bottom of the stairs with my shaking steps and a quiet sigh.

My parents smiled at me when I sat down at the table, I gave a small forced one back. I sat down on the old worsen seat and allowed my nervous foot tap to take over.
"Hey, I have something to tell you guys." I said, not even warming them up.

I'd been holding this in my mind for my entire life, I don't have the damn time to prepare them for it. It's just gonna fly out of my mouth. The truth tea will spill and it's going to burn their tongues.

My mother and father both turned from eachother and gave me their attention, which I was grateful for.

"What is it, Kissyboy?"

Then I saw an opportunity.

"I actually have a question." I said. My mother nodded for me to continue.
"Can you change my nickname?"

My mother laughed and smiled warmly.
"I knew the name would embarrass you eventually. I'll call you anything you'd like, darling."
She replied.

Say it, say it, say it, say--

"Call me Kissygirl instead." I said.

That's when my mother stopped smiling. Her face was now laced with confusion.
My dad looked at me with the same curious eyes as my mother.

"What do you mean?"
She asked.

Yeah, my mouth wasn't opening anymore. I didn't exactly know what to say, do I just remained quiet.
Until my dad came and saved me.
"Nel, I think...I think this is more important then a nickname..." He said quietly to my oblivious mother.

That's when I realized what I truly had done.
My parents are my everything and more, did I just ruin that? Did I make them angry?
Did I make a mistake in telling them who I truly am and who I truly want to be?

My mothers face softened when she came to realization.
"I-I don't know what to say..." I started, "but my entire life has just felt really...wrong, I guess..."

"I didn't want to ever tell you because I didn't want you to hate me but I can't keep lying and I-"
I stopped then and noticed my eyes were stinging with tears.

"I really want to be a girl, mom..." I whispered. My father reached across the table and offered me a hand, one which I hesitantly took.

"I know this is a lot, b-but I just can't keep it in anymore, you know? I can't...I just can't--"

My mother stood up and quickly went to me as I began to cry.
I was still sitting as she leaned down and wrapped her arms around me.

"It's okay, it's okay..." She cooed, rubbing her hands on my back soothingly.
"You don't need to worry, honey...Its...it's okay. It's a lot, but don't cry. It's okay." She said pulling back and cradling my face with her hands.

Her smile was small, but it was powerful. She kissed my forehead and hugged me again.

"You know...I always wanted to have a daughter after I had you. But now I do."

***

I walked inside my school, Kirstie right next to me as we discussed a very, very important topic.

"Okay seriously, Zac Efron for sure would be a great father." Kirstie stated. I nodded dramatically before we both broke out in giggled.

"Wait, one sec. My neck has been itching all day, do you have a hair tie?" I asked. She slipped a black tie off her wrist and handed it to me.

I flipped my hair down and gathered it high on my head before lifting my upper half up again and putting the hair tie in.

"Ugh, I wish I had your hair. It has so much volume." Kirstie exclaimed as she reached her hand foreword and fluffed my long black hair.

"If you want this hair then use my hair products, Queen!" I said teasingly. She rolled her eyes and we began walking down the hallway.

"But they smell weird!" She defended. I began laughing quietly as I dodged through a few students.
Although someone must've have been in my blind spot since I crashed into somebody else.

"Oh frick! Sorry!" I quickly apologized, looking up at the person who I ran into.

None other then Scott Hoying. The school Zac Efron.

"No problem! I literally wasn't even paying attention."

Being the socially awkward person I am, stopped talking and just nodded.
"It's Mari, right?" He asked with a soft smile.

I nodded and made a confirming hum.
"Yeah. I mean, my full name is Mariola but Mari is easy to say, I guess. I mean like, you can call me Mariola if you want but it just takes longer not like, incredibly longer but um...uh..."
I gripped onto my blue sweaters that went longer then my hand since I like bigger ones.

Scott gave a laugh which made me smile.
"Sorry I uh...get really talkative when I'm in social situations."
I apologised, feeling heat rush to me face.

His smile never faded as he shook his head slightly.
"It's totally fine. Hey um, would you like to uh, get coffee or something sometime?"
I saw Kirstie being up with her jaw dropped and her eyes wide.
She began nodded and freaking silently behind him, making students give her weird and odd looks at her as they walked by her.

"Sure! Definitely. I don't know my...I don't remember my number but you can dm me on Instagram and then I can definitely give it to you!" I informed him, ignoring the butterflies I felt.

"Sweet! Um...until then. Also um..you look really nice today. Not that you liked bad yesterday or something but just like...you look nice. Okay bye." He quickly walked off to his friends who were down the hall.

Kirstie rushed up to me and squealed loudly as she jumped up in down.

"Oh my gosh, Mariola! Zac Efron asked you out!"

I rolled my eyes although my red face gave away I was equally as excited.

I grabbed her wrist and went down to my locker, us gushing and squealing like five year old girls the entire way.

****

That probably was not exactly what you wanted, but that was what happened lol. I actually really liked writing that.
Hope y'all liked reading it. :)

Also...sorry for updating at 1 am when I usually update in the mornings, but I've been doing ish today.

BUH BYEEEEE.
***