Amelia's Orbiting Continuous Dance

    The church I live within is always sparkling, not in a literal sense but it still sparkles. It may be old and withered, the benches might be littered with cobwebs and the windows might be cracked, but it sparkles everyday. It sparkles in the light of God, of heaven. Though I wish, for Him, this building could be littered in gold and silver, and though I wish the building's structure was grand and and white large, it serves its purpose. Small sermons are held with few in attendance, but all deep in prayer and repentance. I guess the dirty walls don't bother those who only care about God's love and everything right, so does that make me unworthy? While I wait for Charlotte to finish her preaching, by focusing on that pole in the back slowly splitting apart and doomed to collapse, am I committing a sin? Guess I should add that to my notepad, I'm sure it won't be the last time those words show up within it.
    Charlotte doesn't know about it. She's too busy to pay attention to me, being the head of the church and all. That's probably good for the most part, I guess. Such a kind women, she gave me everything, my world. The defenseless three year old she found, sick, dying, was saved. I owe my life, and all I do is take advantage don't I? She gives me everything but what do I give her? Besides more wants and needs and crap to worry about, that is? She loves me but I don't give her any back, right? Do I truly love her? What if I'm just taking advantage, and lying to myself whenever I try to say otherwise? Is that a sin, too? Is there anything in the Bible that says so or something? I don't know, but it feels like it. Let that go into the notepad too, I guess. If it isn't a sin, then does it make me evil? Psychopathic? No no no, that's ridiculous. Hell, bloody hell, half of this crap my brain comes up with is ridiculous. Outlandish, false. It hurts, not physically, but it hurts in a way that makes me grab onto my head while my mind tries to fight itself. I know this crap is ridiculous but it won't stop, despite all the praying and all my effort. It feels like I only have two ways to gain relief. The notebook, and the dragons I fight.
    I write all my sins in a notebook, and I've found a special way to redeem every single one of them. When three pages are filled, which takes two days at most even with the smallest of my handwriting, I must go hunt and kill a dragon, a creature of the devil. It's not even much of a question of whether I will go or not. It's as cemented as going to Church on Sundays. I mean, sure it was easy considering my guardian's occupation, yet my point still stands that it's something I haven't missed in the past 10 years. No, no no sickness doesn't buy me out of either events. I fell ill with the flu, and three pages were filled, and it was a Sunday. That was an extremely dreadful day.
    I carry only two things with me before facing a dragon. The first, berries, grown at the Church's side. They're feral, but valuable. Soldiers, carrying battle scars, quietly come and pick at the dirt brown bushes often. Charlotte didn't mind, but I did. I learned quickly I would harvest them all, and hoard them so I would have a plentiful amount. Is that greed? That's a sin right? Wait, or is it gluttony? Either way, a sin.
    Excusing my worries, I gather the purple and blue berries. The purple berries heal you, makes you regain your stamina in an instant. They taste bitter, which I suppose isn't rare of medications. Blue, they increase your natural abilities. Particularly, your strength, speed, and endurance. They are sweeter in taste.
    The second this is my morningstar, a silver ball covered with spikes, attached to a short chain and a handle. It's metal shining in the sun, or it glimmering gently at night, I look and want to think of it as a weapon of good. Something that will vanquish evil , a gleaming force of good in the darkness. Heh, it's a silly thing to say.
    It's a useful weapon, indeed. Heavy, I wouldn't be able to so much as lift it if it weren't for the miracle berries. With many berries digested, I've been able to break a stronger dragon's scaly hide by slamming down the metal ball with my full force. I've been proud of that day since it's happened about a year ago.
    Charlotte is none the wiser. She assumes it was the soldiers who took the bushes' harvest. She never sees my morning star, as I hide it by giving it a shallow grave beside a tree trunk, easy to dig up and reburry every time. The clothes I fight in, I hid them and their rips and stains under my cloak. The berries, I keep them in my bag. Safe and sound, Charlotte never had a habit of going through my things. I've been blessed.
    Oh, I just noticed, when I wrote down about my greed and gluttony, I filled up another third page. Damn it. Oh, is it a sin of me to not want to kill this dragon for God? I'm really doing this for myself aren't I? Maybe to ease my pain, maybe for sadism. Why won't my mind just shut up? Why won't it?
    What I do know is that I probably won't get the chance to draw tonight. Even if I didn't fill the third page, I probably wouldn't have been able to draw anyways since I would have been too preoccupied trying to pray for forgiveness.

    In an hour, the sun is due to set. Fighting in the dark is not my strong suit, so I must act quickly. My robe is above my fighting clothes, and I already ate two blue berries before I leave, per usual. I have my little bag filled with the berries, more blue for when my opponent proves to be strong, and purple to heal me in case of crisis or weakness. All I need is my morningstar, my little trusty spiked ball, and I will be prepared to stalk my prey.
    I open the door from my room, Charlotte's lightly decorated living room shadowed in a dim brightness. Her church, standing in front the small house we both occupied, bell's begins to ring and echo. It's the beginning of the next hour, I have less time then I thought.
    My feet quickly scurry forward, my soft boots making little noise on the delicate carpet. I walk into and through the hallway, my usual route, until I arrive at the door. My two pupils shrink as I take in the unexpected visit, a meeting too early. Cold and shining, I admire it. Yet for a moment, I hate it. I hate it and everything it stands for, and what it's saying by sitting before my feet.
    My morning star, I reach my hand out to it. I grab it's handle, sling the weapon over my shoulder with ease. I stare at the closed door. Why? What did I do wrong to deserve this? Did I commit a sin to so large, God plans to take away my only means of redemption.
    Or perhaps, this is a test.
    I remember, Charlotte read to me at a young age, the Binding of Isaac. She told me that God was testing Abraham, and in the end, he passed, and the story ends happily. She told me, one day, I might be tested to God. It may not be in such a direct way, but it may happen. She told me if it happened, that she thought I would do fine.
    Yes. It must be a test. There is no other answer.
I must continue my fight to redeem myself. Even if Charlotte knows the danger I am putting myself in, and even if she is angered.

I open the door, and I see Charlotte's face. Despite the wrinkles of a middle aged woman decorating her face, it appeared no softer. It was fierce, stern. Her glowing, thin, dark blue eyes pierced into me, sweat creeping behind my neck. I'm on the higher platform, not yet having climbed down the steps that lead up to our front door. But I'm not higher. I feel no higher, at this moment I am lower than any dog could possibly be.
"The fresh air cools down my anger," she tells me, her hand brushing through her dusty gray hair. "So I waited outside for you. I feel this will allow things to go more smoothly, child."
"Listen-"
"Shush." Charlotte's voice snapped as her whole body freezes with a jolt. "I did not ask a question of you, did I, Amelia?"
"No."
"Then you do not speak." She pauses for a moment, before she sighs. "I don't like being like this, Amelia. I do not like being a mean figure in your life, but look. Look at you, going behind my back. Holding a weapon on delicate shoulders, with a man's grip. I'm disappointed. So very disappointed."
    My free hand begins to clench into a fist, as I am faced with a horrible nightmare. I shake, my tense body shivering as if cold, my teeth even beginning to chatter despite the warm air. I never wish to disappoint, not Charlotte. I want to tell her, I want to say everything. I have nothing to lose at this point, do I?
    I open my mouth, and Charlotte's teeth begin to bare.
    "Child, what did I just say? Stay. Quiet." Her angry eyes avert to the ground, her thumb raising and pressing up onto her chin. "I know what they are. Dragons, you have been chasing after, idiotically. I can't believe I haven't figured it out sooner. I should have known as soon as I smelled dragon's blood in your very room."
    I stay quiet.
    "So, what is it, Amelia?" Her voice, it's a sword freshly sharpened. "It's dragon's, yes?"
    "Yes" I cleanly state.
    "Damn it, Amelia!" Charlotte foot slowly raised from the ground, and came down with a stomp. "I honestly don't even know what to do with you, risking your life like this."
    She turns away from me with a short movement. "I want you to drop the weapon, drop your hoarded berries, and go into your room. I will figure out a suitable punishment."
    A test, this has to be a test. I can't lose my only redemption, I cannot. I'd die before than, I'd take a knife from the cupboard and dig into my skin and dig into my organs before then. I would commit suicide, a sin, before then. I would apologize in my last moments as the kitchen floor would become dressed in a coat of red, and my life slips out, like a mist, into the air above. But I wouldn't do that. That's a sin. Right?
    I have to keep fighting, but would disobeying Charlotte be a sin? Couldn't that be considered breaking one of those ten commandments? But who comes first? Charlotte or God? Charlo- no no no! I didn't mean that! Oh God, won't you forgive me.
    Yes, yes, I'll redeem that sin in my battle with the next dragon. Even if I have to push Charlotte and her worries aside.
    "No" I cleanly state.
    Her head, in a single exaggerated motion, twisted back to show me her merciless glare. "What?"
    I swallow my anxiousness, my guilt and sorrow, as some absurd emotion attempts to raise itself from the innards of my stomach to the top of my throat. Sudden, unexpected, uninvited, I feel as if I'm beginning to see nothing but the color red.
    "Don't give me that look!" I shout. "You don't know a thing! You don't know shit, Charlotte! About me, my fights, the dragons, anything! Just stay out of my way!" My face is hot, my tears are boiling, I can feel drops of sweat building on my forehead. The absurd emotion seems to escape my throat and shoot out of my body like vomit.
    Charlotte was speechless. Her body still turned from me, her wide eyes facing me, I could sense hurt. Or just surprise, maybe. Maybe fury.
    My wonders don't stop me from moving forward, stepping down the stairs, and walking right past her. Her gaze comes after me, and I hear her shout:
    "Come back here! Stop this nonsense right now! Amelia!"
    I hear her footsteps begin to chase after me. Damn it, damn it, damn it. Why won't this test become any easier? Why won't she stop? Why won't she stop? Please God, I'm sorry to ask, but please make it all stop.
    My own feet begin to make quick sounds in the grass, the berries and my youth assisting me. I speed ahead. However, right before I begin to ran at a fast pace, I felt something tug at my satchel. Charlotte's probably was trying to pull me back, stop me, but it was of no use.
    I'm off to fight a dragon.

    It's violet scales glisten gently in the moonlight, the only sounds surrounding it being the heavy sounds of air coming in and out of its nostrils. It silently ate the leaves of a short tree, it's dark red claws wrapping around the trunk. It's not the largest, and it's species isn't know for being the strongest. I've got this, an easy kill and an easy redemption.
    Still, I should eat a few more blue berries, just to be safe.
    I open my satchel, and reach in to grab my little bag of berries. My hand meets spare change, a miniature bible, a rosary, but no small bumpy bag.
    I dump the contents in a panic, chewing my lip, just realizing I made an echoing sound. I peek from behind my rock, and it hasn't stirred. But that's not even my biggest problem, no no no, the satanic dragon's obliviousness isn't my biggest worry. I have no berries, which my mind screams out to alert no one, just to torture me. I have to flee, I can't redeem myself. I can't redeem myself! Everything I did, running from dear Charlotte, it's for this bullshit! God, I- sorry! That was the beginning of a bad thought.
    Wait, Charlotte. That tug on my satchel, was that her?
    She took them from me?
    She sabotaged me? She sabotaged me and took the item in which I give my dependence. Does she wish for me to die? No no, she doesn't want that. She loves me, and she wants me to give up and retreat, I know it. I believe that, yes, I truly believe that. I don't believe that, I know that, yes, I know that. She swiped my berries thinking that I would give up before I even fought. She was trying to protect me in the heat of the moment, I know that.
    I must retreat now, as Charlotte must be hoping I do, but that same repeated thought plows it way into my head.
    This may be a test. Yes, God is testing me. He wants to know that I am willing to put my life on the line for His forgiveness. If I leave now, it's a sin. If I leave now, I'm doomed hell for eternity. Eternal fires and flames....
    I don't want that.
    I ate two berries already, right? The dragon doesn't look to strong, does it? I have my trusty morningstar, it should be okay, right? God's on my side, in the end. At least, if this is what He wants.
    I stand up, ready to face my opponent.

    The metal ball strikes against the scales, a heavy clank sounding.
Damn it! I missed!
    The chain whips back with the girl's gesture, as it's flung again, a lower aim.
The underbelly! God, let it hit it's underbelly, please!
    A larger body, out matching the girl in speed, jumps back. It's wings begin to flap, gaining a low altitude.
Oh Jesus, I shouldn't have let it get to this point.
    A loud cry echoes, as the beast surges downward, it's claw reaching for the girl. She strikes it's hand with her morningstar, not an inch of pain reaching the dragons skin. It's claw closes and grasps the ball of spikes. It's scales continued to protect it, no metal piercing deep into it's skin.
No, no, don't pull! I can't fight you
without a weapon! Please, you horrid creature. Just let me strike you're underbelly and be done!
    The dragon ripped the weapon away from her, dropping it on the ground, and once again speeding towards her.   
No. No no, no! No! God, stop letting this happen to me! I hate this! I hate this! I hate these fights! I hate this!
    The dragon's front claws wrap around her body, and begins to press. Her breath becomes irregular, she feels as if she's dying. Her body, already weakened from a long battle, covered in cuts and blood, was  beginning to fail. The screaming mind, the overwhelming pain, it felt like it wasn't to ever end.
    Her mind gave up, and she slipped into the eternal darkness.

I'm falling, I'm falling.
I'm dreaming, I can't feel anything, I can see my own small figure falling. Below me, there is lava shining gray. It's like liquid lead, waiting to poison me, take my breath away as I sink deep in. I'm falling fast, but the liquid keeps lowering itself. It's taunting me, torturing me, I'm forever stuck in fearful anticipation.
It's a dream, I'm dying, I know it. After this it'll be fire. I'll fall into fire. I'll fall deep into hell's fire and I'll never escape. I'm about to be punished for eternity, past time's end. Maybe I should enjoy these last moments of painless anxiousness.
    I speak to Charlotte, though she can't hear me. I apologize for being such a shitty, bratty child. I speak to the soldiers, apologizing for me wicked greed. I speak to anyone I can, and I apologize and apologize and apologize. I speak to God, and apologize.
    I fall into the silver lava, my body disappearing deep within, never to be seen or thought of again.
    There is nothing but darkness. My orbiting continuous dance comes to an end.