There used to be a time when I would stand and look on in awe of the festivities and fanfare surrounding the holidays...becoming one with the spirit of Christmas, resolute in making it a good jump off into the New Year. I'm older now. While some of the holiday cheer does cling to me, it is not a permanent stick – as I suppose it is with everyone else. I find myself contemplating the same things Charlie Brown said in his Christmas special...why can't it be year round? Why only on Christmas?

What is it that drives people to behave and treat others with kindness this time of year but then return to their old habits afterwards? Is it the prospect of receiving gifts? Are we doing it because everyone else is doing it? Tradition – because we are used to doing things this way? I don't know and I can't answer for everyone. I probably shouldn't even lump us all together with the usage of the word "we".

These are just the things that go through my mind this time of year.

I think the holidays do to me what it does to a fair share of people suffering from and living with depression. We are brought up on this spiritual high and surrounded by this whirlwind of good feelings, time with friends and family we haven't seen in ages and taken into the arms of seasonal love only to be brought down and have love dissipate when it's all over. Like the effects of a high of any kind, we crash. What happens to the spirit of Christmas after the fact? Do we shelve what was left over for next year? Or...do we continue on in the spirit of the season, giving, spreading our hope, good will and cheer throughout the year? Probably not.

Back to that thing of experiencing a spiritual and emotional high around this time of year. I experience this a lot. Not just around the holidays but throughout the year with the various activities I am into. The excitement of beginning new projects, starting new groups and being tasked with things at my church – and then when I'm in the midst of those things I notice that the newness leaves but that I am generally happy to be doing them but when they end, I'm depressed but it goes much deeper than that.

I was reading in my bible about Elijah's depression. I'll share with you what I was reading.

1Kings 19:4

"Then he went alone into the wilderness, traveling all day. He sat down under a solitary broom tree and prayed that he might die. "I have had enough, Lord," he said. "Take my life for I am no better than my ancestors who have already died." This was after just after he experienced two great spiritual victories: the defeat of the prophets of Baal and the answered prayer for rain. Both of these things took great power, physical strength, an emotional outpouring and solid faith to do through the power of God.

His discouragement set in after these things were accomplished. After it was all done he had to flee Sanai because Jezebel (King Ahab's wife) issued a death threat saying, "May the gods strike me and even kill me if by this time tomorrow I have not killed you just as you killed them. "Them" refers to the prophets of Baal, a false god and his false prophets.

Elijah fell into depression.

I have prayed the prayer of Elijah many times with different words but with the same meaning. I have asked God to snuff out the life he gave to bring my pain to an end. I knew what I was saying at the time. I knew what I wanted of God but God also knew what he wanted of me. It seems God has had his way with me. I am still here. Many of us who have prayed that God take us away from this place, take us out of our misery, take us out of the world...are still here. Fighting. Living. Breathing. Doing what needs to be done.

Many times I have said to God, "I have had enough" or "This is too much to bear." And have felt a tiredness that I cannot explain deep down in my soul. Unable to move on from it while it hung over me – and shook me at my very core. I've acted on that depression, to not only cause myself hurt but harm to my family as well. And I think now – after all of that...what was the point? God still got what he wanted. I am still here. My family has been hurt and so have I. I've placed doubt in them, given them reason not to trust me and have ultimately changed the way they think of me. I know that this is my own guilt talking – but it's also what I see in them.

They are walking on egg shells around me this holiday season because they know that I am in a vulnerable state and I wish it weren't so. If I could take it back, I would. All I can do now is live the best life I can possibly live.

The depression is always there. Always a force to be reckoned with and I thank God for the resources and people he has led me to. Without them...I don't know what I would do. Where I'd be or what state of mind I'd be in. I'm thankful every day for them and you. I say my prayers all through the day and at night telling God of all the wonderful people he has blessed me with. Asking that he bring his blessings upon them and extend his love to reach their hearts. I can't change people but he can. I can't make people see the need in the world and prompt them to act on it, but he can. I can only do what is within my power to do and within reason.

God has given me us gifts that I'd like to talk about here for a minute.

Often times when we see people in harm's way, those who are hurting and those that are in dire need of help, we respond to that one of two ways. We either ignore the pain we see and say to ourselves...someone else will ease their pain. Someone else will come to help them. Or...we become that someone. Conscience, Compassion and Empathy are all gifts. I do believe that everyone has these things but don't show them, don't act on them and are afraid to. There have been people that I have questioned as to whether or not they possess these things and I am wrong to do so. I don't know what prevents them from helping others – it can't all be chalked up to selfishness. People are complicated beings. But I do believe that he gave us these things as gifts to use, not to simply hold on to and boast about them – but to put them into action.

It's not always about helping the homeless or the needy family. Sometimes the needy family is closer to home, sometimes the one in dire need is you. I'm not saying disregard those you see elsewhere. If you can help them, then by all means do so! This will fill you with a feeling that you've never experienced before. But do look closer to home as well. Look at your family and friends. And then if you are brave enough...look in the mirror.

Is the person staring back at you in need?

Is your conscience an active part of your daily living?

Is your compassion set so that even you know when you are being too hard on yourself?

Sometimes, we have to do a little self-ministering. Yes. That's what reading the bible is. Now while I believe that we can minister to ourselves – I know, that I know that I know – that God leads us even in that.

I was lying in bed the other night – listening to my thoughts. My thoughts were racing with all manner of accusations, cop-outs, doubts, negative self-talk and even suicidal thoughts. They were coming so fast but I could hear each and every one of them clearly. This was my anxiety and schizophrenia at play. It was enough to bring tears to my eyes. So then another stream of thought kicked in and it was "don't listen", "that's not true", "you are loved" and directly after that the words depression, bible and Elijah came to mind.

Now I know from studying depression before that Elijah and Jesus both had their bouts with anxiety and depression...but I never really got that deep into the story of Elijah. So I looked him up in my bible. And there I saw it. His words and it was as if I was being talked to ...like ...Look Ty, my servant went through the same thing and I still used him to carry out my will.

And the thing is, I get so frustrated with myself at times and I think that I am disappointing God and I'm constantly apologizing for having mental illnesses, like it's something I did to myself. It's not. God loves me through it all. My default depressive thought is that I'm being punished – along with that is that I must apologize for everything thought that isn't pleasing to God. But ...he's God and he knows my thoughts before I know them and I am not a pile of ash. He hasn't struck me down. Also along with those thoughts I've asked God; why he made me like this?

And whenever I do – these verses comes to mind –

Isaiah 45:9-12

""What sorrow awaits those who argue with their Creator. Does the clay pot argue with its maker? Does the clay dispute with the one who shaped it, saying, "Stop, you're doing it wrong!" Does the pot exclaim, 'How clumsy can you be?' How terrible it would be if a newborn baby said to its father, 'Why was I born?' or if it said to its mother, 'Why did you make me this way?'"

"This is what the Lord says – the Holy One of Israel and your Creator: Do you question what I do for my children? Do you give me orders about the work of my hands? I am the one who made the earth and created the people to live on it."

This reminds me...who am I to question how the Lord has made me and that he is Creator of all. I am the work of his hands, a unique and beautiful creation that he took his time to make. I, the clay, cannot shout from the Earth – God what have you made of me. Why did you make me like this? Why am I not like everyone else? My life was given to me in the way he wanted me to live it and I am doing my best with what I have been given. I think, it is up to me to make more of the gift he has given me.

I cannot blame God for what he made of me, I can however, thank him for making me at all. For giving his lump of clay air to breathe and for sustaining my life ever since. I will do this every day that I live.

So in closing – I just want to say and ask. Be cordial with one another every day, not just during the holidays. Enact good will towards men every day. If you are a giver, give of yourself every day – and give to yourself every day. Be a gift to someone else. And in the midst of all of this – don't forget that you need care too. Ministering to yourself – praying, reading the Word and doing things that are in a direct alignment of God's will, will help you do better and be better. I wouldn't tell you to do things I myself am not doing. I ask for guidance almost every day and feel that much closer to my maker.

Listen to your hearts as you show your love and display your gifts this season. Also, listen to your wallets as they warn you that you are doing too much. Overspending can set you up for depression and other issues. Remember what this season is for. The three kings of the orient that visited the newborn Jesus gave what they had – because it was within their means to do so. They gave out of the fullness of their hearts as a representation that the Newborn King should have it all. You understand? Good.

Heavenly Father, as we give of our time, talents and other resources given us this Christmas, we'd like to thank you for the ability to do so. We'd like to thank you for the ultimate gift of love that you gave in Jesus Christ and pray that we may display, his love for us with others. We ask that you place your hands on all who may not be feeling well, those who are ill and those who are in need – that they too might experience your healing in their lives.

Our Lord and Savior, we love and thank you whole heartedly for shining your light in the world, that we may know the true meaning of the season.

In Jesus Name we pray,

Amen