Sometimes that's a hard question to answer. There's a lot going on that very few, and sometimes, no one understands or even knows about. So coming up with a short answer to that question just doesn't happen.

I keep hearing these words in my ears and I think it's a quote from a movie or something but it goes – "What's wrong with you is no little thing." Can't remember where I heard it, only that I did. But it rings true of me. Schizophrenia is no little thing.

There are times where I've felt if I turned the wrong way – my head would just fall off. Unscrewed and unhinged where it matters most. I thank God he takes the whole person into consideration and not one thing. But then here's the thing – what kind of God would he be if he held an illness and its effects against me. Love is his thing – effectively. And knowing that – gives me all the strength I need to get through this life.

So what's wrong with me?

Well...there is no short list but I'll try to make one.

-there simply isn't enough time in the day to count all the things I do wrong

-too much time and enough fingers to count all that I am doing right.

-I feel everything on a level of sensitivity that most don't and it is both a blessing and a curse. (mostly blessing, though)

-not enough understanding in the world towards people like me

-too much division amongst those that consider themselves normal and those of us who think we are not (we are different – nothing more)*

-the thought that there is something wrong with me – when there isn't

*I am not perpetuating the division by stating that we are different. I would love for everyone to be viewed as the same – but the fact of the matter is, is that we ARE different...not worse off, not bad – just different.

For the first few months after my diagnosis – my mother would say "What's wrong with you now?" in exasperation whenever she found me crying or upset. I really couldn't give her an answer then – my emotions were just too much for me to handle and articulating what was wrong just wasn't working. I was upset that she thought that it was a run of the mill thing, that she thought I was doing this to upset her, that her worldview of mental illness was one that was arcane and outdated. That she seemed to think I was doing this to myself.

I wasn't. There was actually something wrong – I just didn't know what it was until a professional told me what it was. It took us both getting educated on my illness(es) to understand what was happening and why. We are still on the journey to discovery and what a journey it has been. We've grown!

She understands and has opened her mind. Not to say that it was closed tightly, but it was on a one way track down thoughtville. This is why it is so important to know what's going on with you. So that you can help others know as well. We had a whole moment where she would just ask my sister (a RN) what was happening and my sister would then find out for herself the information my mother needed because there was a time where I couldn't tell her. It was a guessing game until I learned how to communicate what was going on with me.

But while I was going over the long list of what was wrong – I forgot to go over the list of what was right. Remember me saying up there how that list could be counted on one hand because it was that short...well let's see.

What's right With Me?

-relationship with God is stronger

-relationship with mother is solid

-family now knows and understands what mental illnesses are (I'm not crazy or cray-cray)

-friends ask questions rather than assuming the worst

-constantly educated on the ins and outs of my illnesses

-higher self-confidence

-communicating effectively

-reaching out to others and learning from them as well

-actively seeking out my happiness

There are more things too but we'll stop there, this will end up being a post as my mind just came up with a bunch of stuff LOL I am amused by that. I'm doing better than I thought! But as I sit here and think about an answer to that question all I can come up with is this:

I am a woman who has gone from not knowing who she was to loving every fiber of my own being. I've spent time in darkness where I felt there was no salvation for the person lost and buried there to knowing what's it's like to spend more than a few moments in the sun. I am sensitive, caring and observant of those around me and with myself and have new found priorities and goals for my life that I didn't have before. So what's wrong with me?

Nothing – nothing at all. I'm just different, as we all are. And if we are all the same in our differences – then the stigma that something is "wrong" about us needs to be removed. Our lives are more than what others seem to want to make them out to be. Though we aren't in control of how other's see us, we can definitely live in truth to let others know we are not afraid and unashamed of who we are.

There is a bible verse that I learned – one of my favorite Christian rappers lives by this and has a book out called Unashamed. His name is Lecrae. Anyway, the bible verse I want to share is from Romans 1:16

"I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes: first for the Jew, then for the Gentile."

When you live your life unashamed of who you are, you're beliefs and even where you've come from – you open yourself up to others that can see a strength and a light in you. You connect with others and are fulfilling a purpose in your life that breaths love, beauty and faith to your life.

Now this isn't to say that my beliefs need to be your beliefs. No – I'm simply sharing what I know works best for me. My life has been made better for it. I would hope that everyone has something in their lives that lends them the strength, love and faith that we need to get through this life. Adopting my beliefs won't necessarily do that for you – you have to discover on your own what works and is best for you.

But I do want to boast on His goodness and tell you that: God is love and love never fails. And as a love that never fails – he will be there with you throughout your moments of trouble and sorrow and even in your moments of happiness and joy. He is my keeper and I love him for it.

As always, I thank you, you guys are amazing and if no one has said it today or ever – I love you!

I'll see you soon!