I walk through shadows of former selves, as past ghosts appear to walk through walls and I am reminded of my former lives as they appear before me with all the life I have given them. Dead things, truly dead things can never be revived by the lips of any man on this earth...whether spoken into being or resuscitated...we must let them be. So then what I am seeing is simply figments of a broken woman...fragments of a life lived.

There is a huge difference between me and her. She cries quite a bit and is unsure of her life and where it is headed. She thinks of death quite often – not just the act of being so but of causing it to her own person. Her mind, body and spirit is riddled with a pain she cannot put words to and the light of life is all but gone from her.

There are things she wants but fears she will never have. Things she desires with all her heart that will never happen in the manner she wants them to. She is a restless spirit full of hatred for her own being and ignorance of the way the world works. The hearts and minds of men have been revealed to her and she doesn't like what she sees. She thinks...the world would be better off without her.

Me? The sun shines brighter than any known light I have seen which leaves me with the desire to see the Lord outshine that which he has created. My smile has been a permanent fixture these past few weeks and I have received answered prayer which not only strengthens my faith in all things God but also gives me a hope that is indestructible and readiness to see the world change for the better.

There is no pain and what pain there is to deal with is nothing but a dull annoyance compared to the mood I am in. The light of the Lord fills me and threatens to spill over out into the rest of the world because I have been given Joy. This is not something of my own doing – this is deep seated and rooted within me. Whatever darkness there is that has been floating around me – immediately dissipates...where there is light, there can be no dark.

The desires of my heart are but a prayer away and I know that they will come. My God is faithful, just and true and has shown me this. I know he hears me. I know he loves me. And I know he wants me to be happy. He has shown me this. He has spoken his word of life into me with one simple name – Jesus and all is well.

I look to imprint my Joy on others. This world needs the Joy that I am experiencing and I dare to share it with those in need. I have seen the hearts of those who desire the same. I have met with minds that seek the same truth I have. I come to these conclusions...while the world certainly doesn't need me to keep spinning, it needs what I have. While I don't need the world, I want to help and while God doesn't need me to believe in him to exist, it is good to know that he wants me close to him.

I was thinking about something earlier – some introspection about my life and the things around me. This Joy I have that has disrupted every negative thought and thing that threatened to do me in. Is it real? Am I tricking myself into feeling this good? No. I recognize this Joy, this state of being as something not of me. But it is mine all the same. It is wonderful and refreshing.

And so I can check off that one thing of the list of things the devil stole that God has replaced.

Joy (√)

Next on that list is peace. And I have a bit of it but I want an abundance of it. I am a better woman than I was before. Happier, safer, more free (I totally wanted to say free-er) than I ever have been before. My train of thought is on the things that will better me and those around me. My heart dwells on all the love and lives that have touched me and that I have touched. My spirit abounds with so much Joy within that it has been hard to contain it these past few weeks.

I know some things that I didn't know before now. I know that no matter what one goes through that, that situation and circumstance is not the end of them. I know that while these things hurt us...they also shape us into something more. And I know that I must learn to trust the process of it all.

Trusting the process is hard. Especially when trust depends on what we see most of the time. The trick is to train yourself not to trust your eyes but the things your heart speaks to you. We logic all day long about what we see but there are times when the illogical things need to happen in order for us to grow and learn. In order for us to become more than what we are – better humans – there needs to be a great movement within. Now...that movement can be anything from uprooting from a job that pays well but is draining us emotionally and spiritually. It could mean removing yourself from a relationship that has lasted for many years but is hurting you physically. It could even mean separating yourself from the height of a friendship with people that do nothing but bring you down. These things are hard.

But don't you know that these things – the bad in the situation also trains you for the good to come later?

How???

Happiness and Joy in a workplace where you are accepted and your gifts, skills and talents are used properly can cause your life to rise to new heights. You may have gained some skills in that bad situation, learned for yourself to be more people friendly or how to manage time wisely. You may have saw and realized the thing that was killing you at this particular job and put an end to it but leaving. Seeking the things that you need in order to be fruitful where you are.

Happiness and Joy within a relationship can foster the love you have in healthy ways. It is rewarding to receive the love you give. Of course not everything in relationships is rainbows, roses and candy...we know this. But the sacrifices you make for a relationship ought to have some good side effects. Good things should happen in the process. If you are giving up something to be with someone- that person should be doing the same for you and your time together should bring you closer together. I have never been a person that believes in 50/50 relationships. I think that people and this is my own personal feelings about this – that people should be 100% when they enter relationships on both ends. Sure it's a beautiful thought of being completed by another. But there should also be a sense of healthy self-worth before you enter a relationship. We have this issue of letting people assign value to our lives when in fact they shouldn't. Good and healthy self-esteem is needed when you enter a relationship. Go in with your validation intact, don't look for another to validate you. The highest form of validation for any relationship you enter, is knowing that God loves. That's all that matters. If a relationship ends – it will hurt. Yes, that is a definite. But it shouldn't break and destroy you. And if a person is going out of their way to see that you are broken and destroyed – then you also have proof of why you shouldn't be with that person.

(I am awfully longwinded about this....maybe I should move on. I'm sorry, I'm speaking out of my heart and experience with relationships.)

Just do this – learn from every relationship all the things you need from the other and the desires (wants) you have will be fulfilled. If you're not getting what you need, reassess the relationship...not your needs. The relationship. Your needs are important. And do be careful not to confuse your needs with your wants. Okay, okay, okay....I'll move on. LOL

Happiness and Joy in friendships is the same as in relationships. You have to manage your friendships as well. Take care of the people you love. Can you be selfless in the love you give? Sometimes our friends don't reciprocate because they don't understand. Communication is key in any form of relationship. How can someone change if they are honestly unaware of what is upsetting you? I know – I had the same thought "They know what they did!" Yeah...well...probably not. There are folks out there with relationship blinders on and with a hedonistic attitude towards relationships. Meaning, they only see what they want to see and only do what feels good. Nothing against these kinds of people...they've found some way to make themselves happy but the problem is – they don't really know how to make anyone else happy.

Rule # A (I hate it when people do this LOL) – Seriously though, get to know people. This is how you foster loving and caring relationships.

Rule Letter 2 (Okay, I'll cut it out) – Extend your friendship. Once you get to know them a little as an acquaintance and you feel good enough to do so, extend your hand in friendship.

Rule # 3 – Maintain your friendships. Call them, talk to them, and hang out with them. If something is on your heart about them or if they come to you with a concern, pray for them. Share your likes and interests with them...it's okay if you like different things...I promise you. I think if we only befriended people just like us then we'd just need to keep to ourselves because we are essentially friending ourselves. It's okay to have common interests as well. Common ground is always a good thing to start on. Communicate your desires with them and if you feel so inclined to invite them into your circle.

Rule # 4 – Leave the judgement by the roadside. You can't walk hand in hand with one you are constantly judging and criticizing for being themselves.

Rule # 5 – At all times, be honest and truthful. Your friend....a good friend will thank you for it. I have a friend that likes to ask this question: "Is it just me or...(fill in the blank about any number of personal issues)?" Now, as her friend, I speak in truth – "Yeah, it's just you." And then I fill in why it's just her. She's very sensitive to things like this but I'm convinced she asks me these things as a test to see if I would lie to her. LMAO. I am so serious. We're good for a heart to heart on her personality and life style at least three times a month. Men are a hot topic – we have argued over why she has not dated for so long.

There was one time while arguing that she polled us – her friends – and decided we were all wrong. Too quick with my tongue and lips...I said, we can't all be wrong all the time. I nearly lost my friendship that day. If I had not been able to be truthful with her about the subject and my honest to goodness feelings, which is what she asked for, I may be one friend less. Now there were some repercussions – we didn't speak for a while, turns out she was really mulling over all that I said and what another person told her as well.

I sometimes forget that not everyone appreciates or expects "salt" like that in the beginning of relationships or in long standing relationships. But what am I supposed to do?? Lie??? I'm too old to do that. There was a time when I was younger that I would lie to cover my own ass and to get people to like me...it never worked and I learned a few hard lessons. One – these people were willing to accept my friendship until I lied and lies are hard things to live down. I'm 40 and I still deal with the subsequent sting from having told a lie when I was 20. It's all in my head really. I think about it a lot and want to correct it but time has passed and so has this person. What can I do but take it to the one that holds forgiveness in his hands?

From those times – I learned that it's always best to be truthful. Always more respectable to be honest with people and with myself. Let me tell you – you're in a hard place in life when you start lying to yourself and believing the lies you tell. No joke.

What does all this have to do with anything? Woman are you even on topic?!

Changes happen. Good things come out of being tested and sent through trials. For some reason all of those things that are considered hindrances to your being fall away. With a little work, they may never show up again.

Trust the process.

It's going to be tough. It's going to hurt and it may even leave you with a few scars but what you'll have on the other side of the hurt, the pain and the scars is something far more beautiful and much more valuable. Pain is temporary and from what I hear – "chicks dig scars" or at least like to compare them.

There is a scripture in Isaiah 61:3 that talks about being given beauty for ashes to those who mourn. We mourn loss, people leaving, and the endings of things. At those times it's hard to find something positive to look forward to. But there is a promise in being given beauty...all the things that are wonderful to experience, the joys of life for the ashes...all the things that one considers ugly about themselves or the world at large. Mainly for ourselves to experience the increase and abundance that God is famous for giving.

It's hard work. But a fulfilling work. One that you can begin to see immediate results from. You come out stronger than you were before when you were in your weakness. You come out wiser than you were before when you felt as if you just kept making the same dumb mistakes over and over (*raises hand* I do this). And you'll come out more prepared than you were before – because now you now only have hindsight since you've already gone through it but insight into the next situation you face.

I look back on my life and I can see the changes. I can see all the conflict that I've come up against and how those things have shaped me into being someone more sure of herself, someone stronger than I was before and able to take on the things that come at me strong. I can also see the best parts of me shine through and not covered by my faults and failures. I'm better – it took a while to get here. And if I'm truthful – I'm still going through things. I'm not done. I'm still being worked on and am offering myself up to be so. All my aches and pains caused by the circumstances of life are bringing about a strength that I needed to withstand the things that come.

So what I am going to tell you in closing is this.

Trust is one of the hardest yet easiest things to give. It is easy to abuse and betray, just as it is easy to build up and nurture. We don't see things this way when we are hurt and chances are – we have been hurt. As we know, it takes something strong within us to forgive and trust all over again. Now we can go about our way and make people work for what we know we are not going to give up...that's called cruelty or we can just leave it Jesus' capable hands.

Having done this myself, I can tell you that it takes a great weight off your shoulders. It frees up mental space and it lightens your heart. There's no need to drag around all your burdens when there is one who would gladly take them for you. What have you got to lose?

I'm trusting in him for me and I'll trust in him for you as well.

May your hearts be set free to fly over the spaces you were once denied access to. May the wind carry as far as you wish to go. May your light shine in this world for all to see. May your soul be filled with an amazing glow.

I thank you for reading! It has been a pleasure. If you like, I will include you in my prayers. Just let me know. Be well my friends and be free.