Waking up never promises that the day won't be without its obstacles, hurts, pains and all out monstrosities but it is and remains a blessing to be able to open your eyes every day as this is something that is not promised to us. My eyes opened this morning and I felt good. I felt good about my life in general despite its aches and pains...but I am uncomfortable. I feel as though my skin is tight and too small for what is contained beneath.

I woke to feeling like I was ready. Ready for what exactly? More than what I've been doing. More than what has been asked of me...more than just existing. I want to live. I WANT TO LIVE!

The things that happen in this world threaten the simple act of breathing...the act of living. Fear creeps in and steals my joy, my peace and my willingness to go above and beyond what I am called to do because somehow or another I got it into my head that if I lay low in life that I would be overlooked by the evils that dwell here. To be so low on its radar that it can't see me but it strikes us regardless of what we do.

Evil likes to interact with its would be victims...come right up on your doorstep and knock on your door, sneak up under the covers where you're hiding and disguise itself as a friendly ---wolf in sheep's clothing. What defense or preventive measure do I have in case that happens? I'm finding out that love is a better deterrent for evil than I realized. In times like these where my depression threatens to take me under, where my anxiety runs high and where my mind is all but drowning....my faith in love hasn't wavered. It is my faith in love that keeps me still and above the tides of change...and we are changing.

My heart has this awful soft spot for people experiencing pain and anguish. It's as if I've internalized their pain. Mostly because I have – I make it a habit of putting myself in other's shoes so that I know and am able to connect with them and be compassionate towards them. How do you do that...put yourself in someone's shoes? Think. Feel. Act. It's the closest we will ever get to that situation short of actually bringing about those things for self to understand and realize. The simple act of thinking and feeling do it.

Life is this great big present that we all get to open each and every day. From the time you wake to the time you sleep – it is with you and even while you sleep, as you dream it still has its hold on you. Now don't get it twisted – life isn't easy, it isn't fair nor is it so complicated that we can't begin to understand the basic truths about it.

Everyone has one.

We will all spend some time on Earth.

Someone gave us this gift.

We have no right to take this gift away from another human being.

It can be hard – but never misleading. (Meaning it has never presented itself to be more than what it is...people do that.)

Those are things we know. Things we understand because we have experienced them. And we all experience life on some deeper level than what our surface emotions are able to articulate. And for those of us who can articulate – we are still at a loss of words for what happens to us, the changes that we go through, the things we've seen and the amount of "level ups" we get. It's hard to put words to all of that but we know what's happening.

I'm trying to put words to my emotional state right now as my "feel good" has worn away. Words that describe everything going within me. I did a lot of surface writing on Facebook about how I felt about what's going on around me and how I feel about that but I have yet to scratch the surface of what's going on in me.

So I will do so...not for your benefit but for mine. It's all I can do at the moment...

I'm such a mess and am trying to remain positive. What others perceive as ill will and a bunch of discontent that world will get over feels like war to me. People I love and care about want to divide into sides. It seem that we're either #TeamThis or #TeamThat. Never hashtag Team Together. And this Us vs. Them mentality weighs heavily on my mind, on my spirit and on my heart. This isn't what I want to be happening right now. I want peace. I want love and I want understanding. I want #TeamTogetherness. Am I wrong for wanting that? Am I wrong for wanting people to examine themselves so that in doing so – they see where they may hurt another. We can't continue on like this. I don't think we are equipped to deal with such things. Lies, deceit, pain, anguish...etc for long periods of time. For as tough as our skin is – we are pretty damn fragile when it comes to the shots that hit us at home, those things that take aim directly at us to hurt us. Which may be why mental illness even exist...because we are unable to cope with such ugly things. I know the truths – for some it's hereditary, for some it has developed over time...still doesn't change the fact that the ugly things of the world effects us.

It's all wreaking havoc on my person.

I haven't slept well in the last few days – a lot has been going on, outwardly and inward. Personally and socially. My mood isn't doing a rollercoaster ride – it's doing a downward decline because of what I'm seeing, hearing and experiencing all around me. It's not good for me, for any of us who have mental illnesses really. Triggers out the wahzoo and on top of that – a mind that comes up with every worst case scenario anyone can think of. I've shed tears over the loss of life on both sides of this breakdown in communication. All unnecessary deaths. Every last one of them had families to get home to. Every last one of them loved by someone, so deep that they are grieving their loss. Every last one of them had their lives stolen away.

Try as I might to remain positive it is hard. I look at the faces of my children and think – I brought you into this madness. Forgive me. I didn't equip you well enough to deal with this fire and ice...these extremes of society you were born into. Forgive me. I kept you away from the madness and told you that all people deserve love and respect, when the world is shouting at the top of its lungs – they do not. I brought you here. My children, I did this to you. Forgive me.

I wrestle with the best way to explain what is happening when I barely have a handle on it myself....because...life. It is everything we make it out to be and then some. It is every shadow and darkness and every dim to radiant light we see and feel. My children, monsters exist. They are everywhere you look and turn and sometimes – yes, loves, even in the mirror. And I think the world has forgotten that monsters are created. They aren't born. They are taught to be such. No child was ever born hateful. Ever. I don't care who says otherwise – no one is born bad. We all get the same things in the beginning – the one thing we all have in common...Life. And what we choose to do with it makes all the difference.

It has taken me 3 hours to write these words. Between the fits of tears, the second guessing of my words and yes – the negative voice that is loud in my head right now...it has been a hard go of it. I'm assured that this is just a matter of high levels of stress and triggers being set off. I'm assured that this will end – but that last time I heard a voice this loud, it lasted for two years and in those two years ...well, it wasn't pretty.

God be with me and also with you.

I assure you that I am doing all that I can to remain positive. I have laughed today – it was unexpected and I thanked the person deeply, though I should not have laughed as hard as I did at his joke...but still. I had a moment of joy. I am still a student of life, of its hardships and its blessings...and my two blessings are called Tieryn and Tyran. They have seen me through the toughest times with just their presence. They are my constant reminders of why I live.

There are those that have lost their blessings and to them I pray and offer my condolences. There are those who still feel the need to take life from others and to them I pray and offer peace. And then there are those who see it and can't believe what we are seeing and to them I pray and offer understanding. We are living in cruel times but it doesn't mean we have to mock them. We can be anything we want to be in this life...anything!

Be at peace.

I thank you all for reading and I pray you are all well.

I dedicate this post to the friend that I lost recently, Keisha Moore. She was an advocate for change and an advocate for the people. Her presence or lack thereof is of note in my life. And she will always be remembered for her "salt of the earth" qualities. Plain and simple – she told it like it is! I am missing her terribly.

To you all, love your loved ones, tell them and act on that love. Tomorrow is not promised...