I find frustration at some of the things that go on in my life. I don't cry as much as people think and I'm not as angry as people think I should be. Maybe that's some stereotype that people think...that schizophrenics are people with uncontrollable anger issues that go about screaming and destroying things while mumbling their madness aloud. Hell most of the time we're so afraid of what our mind produces that we dare not speak it to anyone but ourselves.

Analyzing the world comes second to my thought processes because I'm too busy trying to figure out what my mind means by showing me the things that I see or hear. My comprehension of these things isn't slowed, as a matter of fact; my comprehension is fine it's just that the mental illness stuns me at times.

Having full weeks and months without incident just to have one episode that totally undoes everything I think and feel about myself sometimes sets me back. Sometimes these setbacks are hard to come back from, other times it's something I'm able to say "It happened, move on". I always want to move on but it just seems to give me pause in my living. I know it has a lot to do with how I choose to respond to these things. I honestly wish that every moment that it happens would be super easy to deal with.

I wish those moments would come and go, that they would be nothing more than hiccups in the course of living my life – but they aren't. I suppose, I could rewire my mind to think so. Would it be like lying to myself? I'm a writer – I do this all the time and then turn around and lie to you for the purposes of entertaining you, but this is life – could I do that and be alright?

Or could I simply try to ignore that these things happen?

Sometimes the elephant in the room is actually the elephant in the room and there's no getting around that for me. It blocks all the exits, stifles the air and steals my breath. But by some force of magic...no, by God, I am called back to myself. Back to being the person I am – not lost in my mind but here and present to experience life as it happens. There are glimmers of hope that I get and hang on to. Some of them get turned into poems and short stories or stories to share with the people I meet. I don't mind the questions, I'm often happy to share because I know most people generally want to know what it's like.

I'm not a sideshow act however I think I have my moments and I am thankful that people haven't gone so far as to think so or treat me as such. I am just a woman with an illness that I am doing my best to understand in the middle of it all.

I seem to not end these things well...at least I don't think so. So I'll end with the written image of a "vision" I had and ask a question afterwards.

I watched Donnie Darko last night. It's a movie that I have loved since I first saw it years ago. The twisted story of how fate intervened to let a boy know what was going to happen to his family in his world. The story isn't as complicated as it seems – some have suggested that he, the main character, had a mental illness as well – but I don't think so. The dark bunny just may have been what manifested easier for his mind to deal with. Anyway, after watching the movie – I lay down on my bed and found myself ruminating on the numbers of things that keep me away from doing the things I really want to do.

There are many. Unlike Donnie's dark bunny, all of those things manifested themselves into the elephant I spoke about above. Why an elephant? I don't know. But I could feel its weight crushing me last night. Every thought getting heavier and heavier as I turned them over in my mind until there finally came some relief in the form of an anxiety pill.

I thought – "I do these things to myself" and I guess to a certain extent I probably do with the worrying but this isn't a pity party. I dealt with that situation in the best manner I could, given the skills that I've learned to deal with them.

-breathing techniques (in through the nose out through the mouth)

-find my five familiar things (blue dress, therapy plant, speakers, hello kitty, minecraft pig) {they have a significance to me}

-separation of reality and fantasy (elephants don't talk, they wouldn't be in a house and they don't criticize...at least I don't think so, who knows what the young pachyderm goes through growing up and as far as I know – from cartoons, elephant memories are impeccable...yeah, I'm grounded in reality)

But these things helped bring me out of the dark and back into self which is where I needed to be. My problems have yet to be resolved – it's hard to problem solve when you aren't feeling yourself let alone when you are busy giving voice to your doubts, worries and shortcomings.

So my question is this...and I'm not making generalizing sweeps of judgement...if it happens, it happens, it doesn't mean anything one way or the other to me – but have you ever given voice to your doubts and worries?

What is it like for you and how do you escape the feelings of anxiety that may accompany them?

That's all for me today. ( And yes, the elephant lingers and no, I am not off my meds...today is a push day - I am pushing to do the things I love regardless.)

I wish you much prosperity, hope and love.