Earlier today....

Somewhere, I believe, there is a door I'm supposed to walk through but I haven't yet. Maybe there are people waiting to welcome me with open arms and kind words ...biting at the bit to lavish me in compliments but I'll never know because I don't know where that door is. I feel as if my window of opportunity is just hanging above me in the universe and that it's slowly beginning to close. Some sense of urgency has washed over me letting me to get a move on before it's too late...before the good things run out or spill over into another cup that isn't mine.

Now all of this could just be the anxiety spilling its poison into my coffee and my life but I don't rightly know. And then there's the over analyzing of things that have yet come to pass. I don't know – is there a statute of limitations on blessings – you use it or you lose it clause attached?

Worrying and picking apart a future I have yet to live and is without a doubt the most dangerous thing I can do to myself. My history says so. How do I combat it and with what do I combat it with? My mind says – what about all that stuff you learned in therapy, why don't you use that? Something tells me I'm gonna need something more – that very thing that I just questioned.

I know the answer is faith in God. He has after all planned it all out for me and all I need to do is trust in his direction. His track record is impeccable after all so I should have nothing to fear. He has never led me astray. So why this fear? Because in my humanness – where I can see nothing beyond a second into the future – I am frightened as to what awaits me on the other side.

There is something picking at me – something that should really be my motivation but is sparking question upon question in my mind and picking apart the person that I am. Fear. It is the killer of many a dream and fear I may be one of its victims.

Some would say that fear comes from not living right. I don't know what right living is without someone's personal opinion attached to it. I'd like to think that I'm doing right by the one that matters most. My life hasn't been rolled in roses and embellished in gold but it's mine just the same and I think I'm doing okay.....Oh but the damn doubts I have kill me. All the "what if's", the have and have nots, speculation and scrutiny is just something I'm not ready for. But maybe I'm thinking about this too much.

I think the Lord would let me know if I were on the wrong path in some way, shape or form. I truly believe that – experience has proved this. Like I said before his track record is flawless but I think the thing that has me shook is the fact that while I'm moving and shaking, plotting and planning that there are those that would see me fall and fail. They have blatantly said so. And while I do all this planning – things just seem to be moving at a snail's pace and it feels like nothing is happening. I can't rush perfection and I won't. I know the good stuff takes time and doesn't come easy. But the anxieties I have are playing on fears and that needs to stop.

I consult in him.

I place my trust in him.

Have faith he'll show me what to do

And pray at all times -not just when I need something or when things are bad bit to talk to him when things are good, to let him know I'm thinking of him, to give thanks and to ask if there's anything I can do for him – these things I do not out of obligation but out of a desire to do so. He always responds when I do. Not because he has to but because he wants to. In that we are similar, in that we connect and in that I draw closer to him.

Later today...(oh say... about an hour ago)

I guess I'm experiencing some turmoil with my issue because of the opposition I'm meeting. He's leading me to do something great and has shown me something I think he wants me to do.

I'm being too vague – let's not do this...

Recently, I sat down with my therapist and we discussed the future. Where I see myself, what I see myself doing with what I've learned and how I plan to do that. I expressed a desire to educate and consult others like me. People who have mental illnesses and just want to talk about it with people like them, people who want to know if there are others like them, people who just want to know if there is hope – if it gets better or will it always be "this or that" way. And not just people like me – the friends and family members of those who have mental illnesses. I spoke all of this to her and without any further explanation or description of what it is I am talking about – she stands up and walks over to her file cabinet and says to me, "There are some people I'd like you to talk to, some people I'd like for you to meet. They can get you certified to do what you want to do." She said she came by that information that she was giving me recently herself to use for her own purposes but that she would give me a copy of what it was.

It is called Bridges.

Building Recovery of Individual Dreams and Goals through Education and Support, a program of classes and support groups exclusively conducted by and for individuals with mental health diagnoses.

They offer classes to those that are interested in heading up things of this nature – things that I want to do now. In the near future I will be taking a course that is about a year long and meets once a week for about 2 hours. I'll be learning everything from exploring strengths, coping, treatments, medications, self-advocacy, communication, hope and success with people who have a mental illness diagnoses, whether receiving treatment or not.

And I'll be doing that to accomplish some of the things I want to do...

For instance...

-I want to take memoir and break it down into groups were I can sit with young people, adults, older people – just people and discuss in depth the things and issues on their minds and hearts.

-I want very much to reach as many people as possible to find out how I can serve them and the community at large and possibly even start a community project with all of these awesome people. Because they are awesome, illness and all...I'm going to say, I have met some highly creative people that are dealing with mental illnesses and I wish I had just half of their creative juices coursing in my veins.

-I want to do some projects online as well where I can reach a wider audience and not just those in my city and I am truly hoping to do that.

And I get to...me?! The first leg of my process comes very soon – like next week. I had a meeting this morning with one of my counselors ( I have two) and she wants me to be a consultant and mentor in her group that she's starting next week. It's a group for women and we'll be discussing mental illnesses as they affect women differently than men. And I am, if I am honest with you and I always am, scared to death.

I don't speak well in front of groups, people will be asking me questions – very personal questions and the spotlight will be on me! *faints*

Well...this is why Project Schizo started – to gain exposure, to get me used to speaking with different types of people, different age groups and dynamics. To meet you guys, to bare my naked soul to the world and have them pick me apart ...my god I feel like a Frida Kahlo painting right now, the one called A Few Small Nips...only the bird isn't holding the banner, its eating me alive – we'll just call that bird that I believe is a raven, FEAR...fear has climbed into my skull and mucked with my brain, entangled my emotions and threatens the leave me a puddle of shaking goo.

See...I'm excited to do it – I want to do it! But I'm afraid I'll fail and some of the people I thought to be supporters seem to think so too. I guess this is why people say not to share your plans with others. They will either rain on your parade, steal from your fruit stand, throw rocks at you or compete. I think even all at once.

I need to shake this feeling. I've been trying to call on my experiences with delivering poetry on stage. But that was so long ago...and I was in a different frame of mind. The first time I was drunk..lol and the other times were at my church's Gospel Poetry Night that I put together and I was so comfortable with all those awesome peoples that I forgot about the fear...I was still nervous though but nowhere near as bad as I am right now.

What do I talk about??? What do I bring??? Am I responsible for the cookies??? Where's my inhaler!

*takes a moment to breathe*

You guys think I'm joking – meanwhile my mind is running with this in the opposite direction. I know that God put this together, all of it – I'm just looking for the 3rd thing ...if there's a third thing...please don't let there be a third thing...I don't think I can handle it.

(Yet later still...about 20 minutes ago)

Before the babble...I know he has put this together, it's just too close to my dream, to my hope and wishes that I have for myself. You guys don't know – when I say this is matching up...right down to the people I'm working with...tell me again how God isn't real.

Alright, I need to focus. Maybe there is something else I can do to get used to talking to people. Maybe in the way of a Youtube account for Schizo. I've been thinking about that for a few weeks now, the problem is – I'm pretty boring. Who would watch LOL. Man...if I were photogenic. I've made Youtube videos before for poetry and messing around with my girls (niece and the daughter...yes, "the daughter" and her brother is "the boy".

Look at that...I forgot all about the haters. You guys don't know – I'm so close to singing Kumbaya it's scary. You guys writing is therapeutic, at the beginning of this I was a mess and here we are at the end and I'm breathing and thinking a little easier on these things.

I get to do some awesome stuff for some great people. I know they're great – they were great before the illness, maintained their greatness during the illness and will continue to be great afterwards. Shame on me for not looking to my blessings first. I almost pulled out Rorschach blots to lighten the mood of this post. I'll save that for another day.

This thing is pretty long so I will end here.

Thank you for sitting through my small anxiety attack and mental break. Thank you for understanding that this is a process and journey that I'm on and I am asking you along for the ride and above all, thank you for reading.