I did a brave thing coming here to Wattpad to write about my life with an illness that still affects me. As I looked back through the entries of this memoir I noticed a change in myself – a shift or evolution in the way that I think and act, a burgeoning strength that could only come about from speaking about these things, and a resolve that is fierce and formidable...it confronts this illness every day of that I live. Now, what I will not do is sit here and lie to you and tell you that I am healed, no longer have the illness and am free of its sting. As much as I wish I could report that, I can't. I can only tell you that the therapy that I set out to seek for myself has been found within the pages of this memoir. Thank God for growth and wisdom, without them – I'd just be a woman still deep in her hurt and short of understanding herself and the things around her.

I won't lie to you, I haven't ever in this memoir and I'm not about to start now but, there have been times when I've wanted to run away screaming from this book. Much like I want to do in actual therapy but I press on and continue with what I feel is a good work sponsored by God himself. Folks, it doesn't get any deeper or better than that. Much of what I put here are things that I had to relive a few times to discuss with you all. From the abuse to the illness – I had to recount it all, which was only scratching the surface here – we dig through the surface in therapy – and share those experiences with you.

No one asked me to do this – not really. I do remember taking up a suggestion handed to me by a really cool friend who is also here on Wattpad, Robert Alvarez and I've been running with scissors since. Why run with scissors – because the act of digging into your hurt and pain to share with those who might benefit is a dangerous thing to do...not just for me but for those reading. Triggers are real things that happen to people who have experienced all types and manners of trauma. And it doesn't matter how big or little the trauma is – it is still trauma. It still has the same anxiety-inducing effects on the individual that has experienced it. So no one asked me to spill my life here – it was something that I wanted to do and on some level felt I needed to do. All of this was not only for my betterment but for your education and even to support you (those who have mental illnesses and behavioral disorders).

I've only been able to report my experiences with you because anything beyond that is just opinion and there are enough opinions about what people should do with their lives in the world – I don't want to be another voice saying nothing that matters, instead I want to say things that do matter to the people that need them (positive words). I remember back, in the beginning, crying as I typed up parts of this memoir and wondering if anyone out there in Wattpadia would understand. If anyone else felt what I was feeling, saw the things I saw, heard the things I heard...thought the things I thought. I was afraid that I was putting myself out there and no one would respond and if they did – that they would respond in a way that I couldn't take. But GOD is good and I haven't had much trouble with people leaving their comments. For the most part, everyone here has been a joy and a pleasure to talk to and for that, I am most gracious and thankful.

My experiences here with you guys has been one of eye-opening insight into the things that people are going through and has been as I said – a pleasure. You guys actually engaged me in conversation....can I tell you something. I don't talk much at home. When I'm online, my fingers do all the talking but verbally...with my voice...not so much. I spend a lot of my time alone and fighting myself with the things that are going through my head and my feelings at the time – that by the time I settle on what to say – the time for words passes and then I just have to act on the issue at hand. Most people around me have become "hip" to my problem with anxiety and forming words that they just issue yes or no questions LOL but for those that don't just want a yes or no answer, they are kind enough to be patient and wait for my response. They give me time think clearly rather than rushing me and getting me all flustered. My pastor is good for her patience with me. I swear that woman is truly an angel. Others in my church family are still learning and while some have taken the time to do so, I am still at odds with those that want to speak for me when they feel that I'm taking too long or want a particular answer. One of the things I hate with a passion is being volunteered to do things that I don't want to do – and that's with anything and anybody. I shut down and what little talking I do, turns into nothing at all ...and I distance myself from those that do this. I hate that it happens but I don't like being bullied into doing things or made to feel like I have to do something. It's just not good for my anxiety or emotional state period...as I'm sure it is with anyone. So I'm very mindful about what I pour my energies into and who I hang around. I can pick up "bully" from a mile away – or strong types that need everything to go their own way. I can't work with people like that.

So I'm finding that in dealing with people and experiencing the things I've been put through, throughout life, that my inner strength is becoming more and more prominent. There are times when I do have to force my voice to be heard about matters that concern me. I will raise my voice or be adamant about my position on things. I always refer back to scripture where one particular 2 Timothy 1:7 says that we were not given a spirit of fear but of power, love, and of sound mind. It has become sort of a mantra for the days when I feel like less than nothing or am having trouble with my emotions and mental state. That is my encouragement.

I titled this part The Power Within because as I've looked back and over my life, there has definitely been something at work within me to help me make it as far as I've come. I recognize that something as God always. He pushes me forward and challenges me daily to rise above the anxiety and confusion my mind likes to dish out. I'm better for it. I'm not as bad as I was in the beginning, a lot has changed and changed for the better and I'm glad of it. I'm doing more in the way of my writing career and leaning on him every step of the way. I'm reaching out to others more about the things I've gone through in the hopes that it will help someone or at the very least give them a sense of community...you are not alone in the things you are going through. There are people like me who understand and want to help in any way possible and yes, there is God who is The Physician. Trust and believe me, he has guided my doctor's hands in everything they do regarding me. I'm a witness to that.

There is a power within us all to overcome our worse demons and hardships as they enter our lives. I stopped smoking a month ago. Haven't picked up a cigarette since but I've been eating and drinking everything cinnamon flavored lol It's me rewiring my brain to not think of the menthol taste or minty taste of the cigarettes I smoked. I'm eating Hot Tamales candy right now because I have an urge to smoke and it is actually helping me with the cravings. Candy isn't the healthiest thing but it was either this or chocolate and I figure ...the cinnamon would be a better for me health-wise lol

I'm at war with other demons in my life as well. I have this hidden anger that has been making itself known when I am around certain members of my family and it's due to the way they treat me. The same with those I have been calling my friends – I'm beginning to see now with my own eyes just how much trust I can put in them. I don't ask for much out of anyone and I've learned not to expect anything from people as well but when people tell you with their own mouths that you can come to them and then they do something completely different it's enough to put you on edge. I'm working on this though. I distance myself from that too. I pour myself into the people that care and are showing me how much they do. They listen to me and don't mock me or the illness. I'm good with people like that. I put myself into my other work as a youth leader. The kids listen to me and they ask questions and I love it. They get it. Their young souls have a broader scope of empathy than I could have fathomed. I love those guys and it feels good to know that they care too.

I want to leave this part on a good note. While we are all struggling with something or through something or know someone that is – empathy and compassion can bridge the gaps in communication. Sometimes, all a person wants or needs is just to know how much someone cares for them. Like Job, he had friends that tried to help – but in the end put blame on him for his circumstances, their silence and closeness would have been enough for Job. A friend doesn't always have to offer up kind words – actions speak the loudest and clearest of any you can come up with.

You guys have been amazing and wonderful to talk to. I feel like I'm leaving but I'm not so sure that I am. I am trying to think of something else to do after Nanowrimo here on Wattpad. I guess I need to try to finish up the books and work on the sequel for Of Flesh and Blood. Or do something completely different and take the older things down. This needs some fresh thought. I was kicking around another memoir of sorts, specifically for writing and life but am not sure whether to do that here or on a blog somewhere...also, I really want to utilize my Youtube and Periscope accounts. What to do, what to do??

I'm sure I'll come up with something but I am completely open to suggestions. This is part 99! The next one will be 100 and the end of this memoir. I want to do something special...but what??? Come on brain think! Maybe one last video for the memoir? A free write? A mixture of both?? I'll think on it.

Until then my friends and loved ones...my love is with you, my prayers are always at your side – my strength is yours if you need it and my heart is yours if you need a good place to hide. As friends go, I'm not much to look at but I more than make up for that with my love and should you choose to befriend me...you'll have another friend in him up above.

(sucky poetry with a heartfelt message lol )

Be kind to yourselves you are the only you there is and please to be kind to each other...love is the greatest of commandment given. Love.

Until next time! Thank you for reading.

Ty