Our heavenly Father understands our disappointment, suffering, pain, fear, and doubt. He is always there to encourage our hearts and help us understand that He's sufficient for all of our needs. When I accepted this as an absolute truth in my life, I found that my worrying stopped.

Charles Stanley

Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.

Khalil Gibran

There is a beauty in suffering that I can't rightly explain with words. In the moments of our deepest trials and greatest endurance we find out who we really are and what we truly believe; for pain is but a physical measure of the weight of the soul and tears are the shedding of our former woes. It is there when these things are present that we are at the purest essence of self and become what we were born to be lovers of humanity.

Lovers period.

At our core, we are lovers.

In our condition, we will always have pain, burdens, trials and tribulations but what sets us apart from one another is how we choose to respond and react to these things. There will always be something that threatens to bring us down and knock us out – but for those moments we have to dig in our heels and lean on what we know to be factual and true within us.

I speak truths to myself whenever I feel this way, this way being down in the dumps and not especially high in spirits but since I know this I am taking the necessary steps to rid myself of the feelings –things I know will help me.

My truths:

God loves me.

I am loved.

My tears don't mean that I am weak.

When I am weak, He is strong.

My situations and circumstances are temporary.

Love abounds in me.

I am who God made me to be.

Writing is my therapy.

Creation is my healing.

Art is life.

and life is so worth it. I didn't always believe that but now I do.

My suffering has turned into survival and the instinct to survive all that has happened and is happening has kicked in. I know not to be afraid of the unknown but to be prepared for what may come my way.

My favorite truth aside from God loving me is that writing is my therapy. I have written things that I thought to be the epitome of beauty and things that have been so ugly that I have had to talk to myself about my thoughts lol. But it's okay – because as long as I live, there is room for me to learn; room to get better. Everything that I write won't be beautiful, won't be meaningful and it won't be soul searching but for those special moments when they are I thank God for it because I know He is the author of my skill.

So...today I give up the burdens that I have carried around with me and lay them at the Lord's feet because I know that in His hands my life means more than I can see, is more valuable than others think and is meant to be fully lived. I've read in my bible all the things that suffering produces:

Romans 5:3-5New International Version (NIV)

3 Not only so, but we[a] also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

From the base of our suffering we beget all of the things that enrich our lives and make us something more beautiful, more powerful and more human. Looking at the world today, it seems that we have forgotten how to be that (human), humans who love one another. I've come to terms with the things that have caused me to suffer – as "thorns in my side" but I wanted to write about suffering today because I find that as the seasons change so do the way people feel. So many of us are dealing with depression, anxiety and PTSD...so many are forced to go without at this time (as well as any other part of the year) and so many are fighting battles we know nothing about that it hurts my heart to think about it. But it's on my mind and my heart to feel and act now.

If I can't put myself to good use for others then what is my purpose? I want to help and there have been ways I have been doing so.

My church recently started a new ministry that feeds those in our community and within the church – it's a dinner we host once a month for those who can't get a home cooked hot meal and it's free. We are also in the process of making a food pantry. During these dinners we reach out to those that are going through hardships and try to service their needs as best we can. I think it's a wonderful idea because it puts us on the ground floor and gets our hands right into the thick of the issues that surround us: homelessness, domestic and drug abuse. We aren't setting out to be pioneers or anything – we just want to help; so we cook, we talk and we offer our building as a shelter for a few hours of the night so that some have a warm place to eat and fellowship. We also provide information to other sites that are doing the same thing and places that are actual shelters. It's a wonderful thing to be able to help, even on a small capacity.

One of the things I hope to do within my church is to start a group (support) for those with depression. I haven't yet worked out the details but it's in me to do so. It's something close to my heart. I've always said that if I had the money – I'd start a foundation of some sort to help those with mental illnesses get medication and the help they needed to make it through by giving them a fighting chance. Because when you are in the depths of depression the odds seemed stacked against you. I want to ease some of that pain.

I think my experience with this type of suffering will help me to determine what will be needed to do such things. I don't want to be just another program out there – I want to make an impact on lives. I need to make an impact on my life as well and I think this is just the thing to do it.

Now all I need is money lol. It's okay that I don't have any right now. These things tend to need to be small in the beginning anyway. Trial and error but not too much because these are people's lives I would be dealing with. I can do what I can do for now and branch out later and right now, the people in our community need to know that they have a voice that can be heard.

I've grown through these things...I don't dwell as much as I used to on my circumstances AND I'm trying my best not to let it knock me down too much for too long. I've talked to some of the younger people in my church about depression and we are on the same page. They understand, have experienced it and want to help as well. I love this work. I understand it and can relate.

All things are possible if we believe they are and all things are definitely possible through Christ.

So a quick update:

I'm surviving and thriving.

I am looking forward to the New Year with great hope!

I am over heart ache and failure. I know I won't always succeed and am not always meant to – but the fact that I learn through the times I am knocked to the ground says something huge to me. I've even taken to applying my life lessons accordingly.

No more horrible outlooks on life. Life is what it is and will do what it does – teach.

The writing is coming along, though I haven't yet finished the book or started any editing...its going. I have stepped away to regain myself and to be able to proceed with "fresh eyes", as they say.

My family is ever supportive of the things I want and need to do. It really just took me talking and explaining how I was feeling for them to understand what I needed. The communication piece is major in situations like these and I'm glad some things have been resolved.

Therapy is awesome. I tell myself every time that it's easy because I am being upfront and honest about all the things that are going on with me. I suffered a bit of denial there for an instant and got myself together with the Lord's help. Sometimes the recalling of memories is God letting us see what has happened and giving us insight into why things are the way they are or...because you simply needed to remember. I call that revelation, having some knowledge imparted on you in a divine way. And why not through a memory? He just really helped me to see and understand something that was hurting me and I'm glad to have His attention.

Last but certainly not least – I feel a sense of peace. Like all of the things that I've been fighting against no longer exist. Like there is just air on my pathways and no obstacles. I have this unshakable feeling of joy. It was something I felt I had lost and had been robbed of but now it's like I have been restored and renewed.

I smile more now – pics on Facebook wouldn't show you that but I do. I laugh too...a lot more than I did before. I don't know guys...I just feel....good! Even on those days that offer me crap, I smile and have a reason for smiling. My joy is deep seated and embedded into my bones, my own soul. I have been waiting so long for this. To just see a break in the clouds – even if it's just a sliver of sunlight – I cling to that little bit of sun. I've become so forward with the things I need of myself that I don't hesitate. I have stopped depriving myself of happiness because that what I was doing every time I gave in to the depression and every time I sunk in low with the anxiety. Rather than lift myself, I allowed myself to be taken by the undercurrent. Not anymore.

There is a sense of purpose installed in me – so solid that I feel it. I don't know if you know it or not but God is real and I am living proof of that and so are you!

You are here the same as I am. You have struggled and seen better days but you are still kicking and screaming – and that is you not giving up. Please continue on. For every time life wants to throw something at you – have your bat in hand to be ready to knock it out of the park. For every time life tells you no, throw your tantrum and scream YES! For every time something in life wants you to believe that you are suffering because of it or them....let it or them know – they have to live with you, not the other way around. You, yes you are a force to be reckoned with. Because you didn't go through all that life had to give you for nothing. NO!...Honey, you made it because you believed that you could and refused to give in.

Let nothing or no one convince you otherwise.

We are all suffering with or through something – but it's how you choose to react that dictates the end game. So....are you gonna throw in the towel or let the big bad thing looming over head know that God equipped you well for this life and the proof is that you are still standing?

I don't know about you – but my friends (YOU) kick ass. My friends (YOU) know when they've been licked and they have yet to see the day when that has happened. My friends (YOU) know that the day they are licked – that it will be a cold day in hell.

Boy am I glad to know you!

So, keep up the good work. Keep smiling, singing, dancing, and prancing all over the place because it's the first step in your recovery. Nothing has to be so bad that you can't see a way through it. Remember, your tears may endure for a night, but JOY comes in the morning. Let every morning be joyful, not just because of the season but because Jesus is the reason every day.

I don't mean to be preachy but I'm telling you – once you know where your strength lays all other formalities are just that. There is no reason to fear, no reason to fret and no reason to worry. You are in His mighty and capable hands and YOU have been prepared and well equipped for the life you are living. So live it!

May God Bless and Keep You

And as always,

Thank you for reading.