(Written Monday afternoon)

Life is not without its pains and issues. It seems the older I get the more crap blows in my direction...nothing new, right? What is different is the way I am handling it....yeah right. I'm still overthinking situations, worrying to death about my reactions and spinning false tales to myself to cope. BUT...then I calm down. Which is something new for me. I calm down and think with a level head – and pose facts of the circumstance or situation to myself. Then I come up with solutions. They roll through my mind like numbers to an accountant.

The current situation of love life has come to a screeching halt. I've never been a Ferrari ...I'm more a Camaro than anything. A classic fast car...keyword...classic. Take that to mean...an old girl.

I've never been so stressed out in trying to get to know someone. So...the thing I decided to do was... not to do anything! Nothing at all. I'm not a dentist to be pulling teeth the way I am. Not to mention it's all making me think that there's something wrong with me. I told a close friend of mine that I feel as though I'm wearing an invisible sign that blinks in red hot letters "Screw Me!" I'm beginning to think that I'm coming off the wrong way. Am I saying the wrong things, behaving strangely or sending mixed signals? I admit, kissing the guy wasn't the smartest thing to do. It has been forever since I have felt lips! But it was wrong to do it. Yet and still, there was no red light blinking in my eyes signaling the likes of an old time lady of the night. Kisses are innocent, right?

Well...not that kiss. Nothing innocent in that one. LOL

Damnit all this sexiness just isn't meant to be shared with the world. HAHAHAHA! Oh...I can laugh at myself. I misjudged my affections thinking I could just kiss a man and feel nothing. But it is as I said before – I cannot separate the two. Hormones are the worst...am I 16 or 41? What was I thinking? I need to just admire them from afar and pine away in solitude deep within my quiet sorrows while being the cursed poet that I am. Only to write about love, never to experience it again.

But...on the other side of the token...life is not without its charms.

Today, I woke up to my phone ringing because one of my friends was outside calling me from her car. My sunglasses were in her backseat from then night we went to the BBD concert...Bell Biv Devoe, those guys that sing, "That girl is poison..." song from the 90's. We laughed for a little bit about the antics of some of the concert goers and about how the guy that was seated in front of us made his way up on to the stage for a dance contest. It was actually a pretty cool concert. It is my second time going to a concert – the first one was New Edition...in the late 80's which is the group that Bell, Biv, Devoe came out of. Kinda full circle I think. I was groupie way back when...not so much a groupie now just an admirer of how those guys have grown into sexy adults. Amazing. Lol

Anyway...more on the charms of the day. Friends have been stopping by and texting me with some craziness and all out cuteness. It's as if they sense something in the force. Their "Ty-alert" is going off and they are responding with comedy. I like that. It's good to know people care and good to know that I have awesome friends that are picking up on stuff that's going on with me. Now, it may be that the one who showed up this morning sent out an alert...we did discuss the porch guy at some length this morning – so that could be it but that doesn't explain the friends that live out of state ringing me up out of the blue with "you were on my mind today". You know what – I am so much a push over that things like that just light up my life. I love it when people let me know they are thinking about me as often as I think about them.

I miss people a lot. The good ones, you know? It's good that I get to keep up with some on Facebook but nothing beats hearing their voices. My heartstrings play the sweetest melody when the loves of my life call. So there was some sweetness to my Monday, a day I was sure was going to be off since yesterday left me so drained emotionally and physically. It was Father's Day and Church Anniversary weekend. Trying to keep an upbeat attitude about it all was the challenge. My thoughts kept slipping off to what my father must be doing to celebrate that day and how he's never attempted to make contact with me despite my attempts to contact him. The words "oh well" come to mind but deeper than that – "it's a shame you don't know me" overshadows them. I won't feel sorry for him. This is his decision but it's something we both have to live with.

I thought about how my ex was handling the day. My daughter gave her dad a gift for father's day. And my son gave neither his biological father nor stepfather a gift or words. His biological father told his daughter...which is my son's half-sister that he has no son...because my son isn't reaching out to him. His step father, my ex, ignores him and can't be bothered to be a father figure for him. It was enough to stress us both out yesterday. So to lighten the mood my son told me "Happy Father's Day" last night. He hit me with a pillow a couple of times and then gave me a hug and said, "You're both, I love you". It should be noted that I have never given the rant of being both to my children. I've never wanted to be recognized as mother and father...I'm content with mother but what my kids see is a woman working hard to help them, rear them and support them in any way possible. All I could do was say thank you with a shrug. He told me to accept it and that I was the only one worthy to get both out of him. And again...it's a shame they don't know us.

It got me to thinking. Anyone who comes into my life as a lover, mate, or husband will HAVE to take us as a package deal. He will have to rise to the occasion and be what other men couldn't be to us. Who wants that responsibility? That's a lot to ask of someone who comes into our lives. I'm not so sure that I can ask that of someone. That's a hard thing...acceptance. Taking care of some that aren't yours as if they are yours. The thing of adoption into ones family structure and life is a deep thing to consider. In this day and age...who knows what love is anymore? Who knows what love beyond the physical means anymore, who wants to know and who can display it?

It's all well and good to have the interests of men ...it is. But my mind thinks of long term things probably when it shouldn't. I don't know. I have a grown son and a teenaged girl, both of whom I am overprotective of. They both get mama in sometimes unwanted and large doses. Not because I'm mean but because I love.

So I don't know that I am ready for all of this. It would be nice...very nice to have a friend of the opposite sex to do things with. Movies, outings, dinners, travel...or just have a nice time with doing nothing if that's the case. But I need to be exactly that first. Friends. I like getting to know what I can of people. Maybe I'm barking up the wrong tree. I could easily make friends with a woman to do all of those things without the pressure of intimacy or physical contact. Or maybe I just need to face facts and state what I crave which is companionship.

Today is Mental Health Monday, the day that I see my therapist...no doubt she's going to have a field day with me on this subject. She'll shoot holes in my cravings and ask what it is that I really want and whether or not I really think I need that in my life right now. We'll look at it from my personal beliefs and spiritual beliefs...we'll talk about the pros and cons and then she'll ask me if I've prayed on it.

I have been getting on God's nerves with this. I think Jesus must insert ear plugs when I go to talk to him about this stuff because I must sound like a broken record. But last night I took to asking Jesus a bunch of questions...not sure if it threw him off his game or not. Lol Some stuff I asked out loud...and it was as if hearing myself ask the question triggered answers. Other stuff...I'm still mulling over, wondering if Jesus is just going to let me find out for myself or provide me with what I need as far as confirmation goes.

I asked a few questions that made me think about ...well...me.

What is it about me that attracts men? Is it all physical or does conversation have anything to do with it?

Why can't I close the deal? Deep down am I constantly looking for someone better than who is vying for my attention?

Am I too eager? Does that come across and overshadow who I really am? Is that eagerness a turn off?

What do I really want? Is there a happy medium or do I have to choose one thing and be done with it?

What do I do to ensure that my mind is taken into account? Dress differently? Speak and behave differently? I honestly don't know how else to make myself look as plain as possible...I think I'm doing a really good job of it lol The day porch guy met me, I looked a mess. Blue sundress, different colored crazy socks, Nike flops and a t-shirt over the sundress because the air conditioning made me cold. I was standing outside with flat hair because of the heat...curls just wouldn't hold up with my glasses slid halfway down my nose.

I looked effectively like somebody's mama. LOL. But he says he was enticed. I talked to them while they worked as they engaged me in conversation. His uncle was the first to speak to me. He asked me how I was doing and if I could see his vision for the design of the porch. I said yes. From there we talked about life and love. His woman was in the hospital...he called her that. She was/is fighting for her life and seems to have lost her will to live and it hurts him to see her like that. He wants to hate her but loves her too much. That was some deep shit. And I understood it perfectly.

We talked about my involvement with church. He brought it up. As if I had a sign on me that said, Church Lady...he asked me about what I do and what it meant to me. We talked about God and what we believe is a fallacy where church is concerned. They both met a large portion of my family and it turns out porch guy was close friends with my twin cousins. St. Louis is entirely too small. We chatted about that for a good while and then his attention turned towards me – he asked me a lot of personal questions. Stuff I wouldn't even answer if my therapist asked but I did anyway.

How do you get that much information out of a complete stranger ...I don't know. But he shared his life with me so I felt the need to do the same. His uncle let me know that he picked up on the mutual attraction between us. His nephew walked off to his truck and his uncle told me, "Everything's going to be alright, no harm done". I nodded my head because I knew that he was telling his nephew that I was still interested in him. He looked up and winked at me. I nodded a yes. He wandered back over into the conversation and asked me yet more questions about myself.

Same with another guy that I met at Wal-Mart the other day. What is the point of asking questions of people if you don't really want to know them? Why ask for phone numbers, names and such if you don't care to know them? My friend in Indiana told me Wal-Mart was the wrong place for pick-ups. He said that if I had have said Target then it would have been a different story. LOL But he is correct, Wal-Mart has a culture all its own. I hate that place. I really do. But I go because I have to.

I asked myself a pretty serious question just now.

Is it true that women look for men that are like their fathers in some aspect of dating and am I doing that? Am I looking for a man that is distant, doesn't want anything good? Worse yet...is that what I am attracted to?

My stomach just tied itself in a not at the prospect of there being some truth in that. God I hope not. I'm thinking about the qualities of the men that have come in and out of my life and ...I'm scared. 10 years with a person is a long time not to know who you are to someone. 10 years is a long time to waste between two people especially if one of them is everything that you don't need.

In the beginning, he was...towards the end he was not. Maybe I wasn't what he needed or wanted in the end either...well...I wasn't. Oh well...It's a shame, he never really knew me...even in 10 years' time. Or maybe he did and he just wanted to change all of that.

Whatever...

I'm questioning a lot and I don't know if that's a bad thing or a good thing. It may be good that I get to the bottom of this stuff so that I don't fall back into a pattern I'm used to...I guess. But more so, it may be good that I face this stuff so that I know exactly what I want and need in someone.

Life...what are you doing? I appreciate the change of pace. My snow globe has been shaken and the chips are falling where they may but goodness...it has yet to settle and I wonder what will become of me by the end.

I realize now that I have a lot to think about. I can only try to save myself from imminent heartbreak, which is why I opted for the safety of friendship. But...there is heartbreak in that as well. What will become of this cracked, bandaged and glued together muscle of mine? Only time can tell.

A Message To All  My Crushes...

As I weather these times with a beating heart, I pray sincerely that it not fall apart. Torn and beaten into submission, its rhythm thrown off...abrupt palpitations like that of a cough – Love whispers wake me and I scoff. For if love was ever awakened in my soul – then I know beyond a reasonable doubt that I am solid, I am whole. But this infatuation, this lust of men and dreams...it all falls apart, it all rips at the seams. It all just rips at the seams. Awaken O love, the sun shines for thee...Awaken O love and set this captive free...set this captive free.