It's almost 10:30pm and I'm up thinking about this that I probably shouldn't be thinking about but I can't help it. I'm doing that thing that causes me to over analyze the world around me and feel everything that is happening. I'm tender folks - heart on the sleeve and all. Let's see what we can make of this night. I always write when I feel like this so I decided to do an open, free writing session here, no edits, no polishing just the flow of words from my brain to my fingers - forgive me if it gets emotional.

At a time when I knew I was sick and did nothing about it because I could do nothing about it, I was close to self-destruction. Out of control feelings and notions swarmed around me in a dark haze and I could see no light within the thick smoke that threatened to suffocate me. I drank more and smoked even heavier at that time. Nothing was as it should be or would ever be the same again. I was a woman on a razor's edge.

I want to sit here and tell you how happy I've become, how every day that I wake up the sunlight strikes my face and leaves me feeling renewed at the start of my day but I can't. I said I would be as honest as possible with this.

I have heavy dark curtains in my room that snuff out any source of light that tries to invade my space. Although unintentional - they go with the décor of the room, the light canceling panel is built in to keep that pesky sun out. But the truth is - I'm better in sunlight. Not uber chipper or dancing in a garden of wild flowers perfect but better - I smile and somehow manage to find it within me to enjoy the day.

Every day is not doom and gloom. But every day is a struggle to get out of bed, even when I know I have things to do and people waiting to see my face.

My family lives on this razor's edge with me. For a while there - they didn't know if I'd make it. Hell, I didn't know if I'd make it. So much of the goings on of the world at large and the world in my personal space and time threatened to see me end. They'd wonder if that was the last day they'd see me and made sure to let me know they loved me. I wasn't so sure of that then. My mind was a mess, my emotions were all over the place and my body was in pain - the type of pain that comes to you when your depression manifests itself physically. High blood pressure - sciatica - migraine - eating disorder - heart trouble kinds of things.

My body was brought to a breaking point, it couldn't take anymore and I found my stress levels increased and blood pressure through the roof - 200s over 100s... there is a doctor in an emergency room here in St. Louis that believes that I suffered a minor stroke due to all the things that had just overwhelmed me. I thought I was on my way out.

Thoughts swarmed and swam in and out of my mind. I began to think - no one cares (not the ones I wanted to care...husband and friends), no one needs to see me like this or have me in their lives. I'm hurting everyone, it's my fault, there is nothing anyone can do, God doesn't hear me, the devil won, I can't go on like this, It. Would. Be. Better. If. I. Were. Not. Here. No one wants ME - they want a version of me I can no longer give them...but no one wants ME. They want to take and use and abuse and lie and steal and cheat and swear I let them do it and tell everyone it was my idea and convince me that it's my fault, that my life choices are my own, that I'm not sick....that I'm doing it to myself.

And I fight this shit and these feelings and thoughts and actions EVERY SINGLE GOD DAMNED DAY OF MY LIFE and I am TIRED! But I get letters from friends and family, I get texts, emails and phone calls asking me to keep them in my prayers, I get whispers in the ear and pulled to the side for mini conversations and knowing looks or gestures (my kids do this) for me to pray for them. Please pray and I think - God doesn't hear me anymore, I can't but I do it anyway because I want to help...you understand I want to help. I want to do anything that takes me away from the pain, from the grief, the second guessing, the suicidal thoughts, the blame, the reason I feel so insignificant in this life...so I do it and hope to God that he hears me.

Right now - there's a little boy in Texas with Leukemia and his family is worried sick about him, there's a woman in Northern England with anxiety attacks that make her feel like she's drowning too, there's a close family member of mine living with a disease that there is no cure for...my God why? Why so much pain and why do I feel it all? All of it...every single drop of it. It weighs on me because I want these people to be better - I want the world to be better....I WANT TO BE BETTER.

But I'm not - I'm sitting here crying and typing things out of the over flow of my heart and I can't figure out for the life of me why I can't stop. It's no one's fault but possibly mine. I don't know why I'm like this. I wish I did but I don't.

So...if no one minds - I'll keep posting things to try to help me figure out the path of my life and where it's going because right now - its dark and there is very little light to be seen. I'll keep praying in the hopes that one day God will bend his ear toward me and hear my cries and ...I promise

I promise I'll keep living to do it all.

Thank you for reading, as unpolished as this is - I've decided to leave it as such.